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Bare with me for a bit - I'm a tad drunk at the moment when writing this.
I first started playing starcraft when I was only 7 years old. I still remember when my dad bought the game just because his friend at work had said it was the best strategy game ever. Naturally I would sneak at the middle of the night to try and play through the campaign, trying to figure out why in a certain mission marines could transform into goliaths. Of course my Mother would disprove but I'd continue anyways finding any roundabout way to playing a few games of starcraft (going so far as "hacking" my father's passwords to play on his account).
After I turned 8 I had a computer of my own and for the next few years I'd do nothing but play broodwar online - granted it was only UMS but I would continue playing those modes, until of course I came across a guy by the name of gO)Wizard after hanging out in x17.
It was around this time I was about 15 in middle school. But it was through him I discovered the fantastic world of 1v1. Before I was always so timid and naive of the thought of it for the simple fact that my first multiplayer game ever game was me building ultralisks on an island map (and coincidentally being destroyed by mass mutalisks). Because of him I managed to learn about the flash vs jaedong finals, the timings of all the races and what defined a "good" player from a "ungodly" player. I became faster, understanding hotkeys and the necessity of greed. Because of him? I became a medicore C player within a year, but a challenging one nonetheless.
Unfortunately I would later lose contact with gO)Wizard.
With the arrival of SC2 I found myself always hitting masters. "Why?" I would always say to myself. My macro was shit, I couldn't micro and my own plate of B.O was limited. Yet again and again season after season I would be in masters. Eventually I would hit GM towards the end of WoL but still I was unsatisfied "My macro is shit, I would no doubt lose to Wizard" and so I would continue practicing.
Even now in LoTV, where I have a much higher understanding of starcraft than what I ever would of accomplished on my own in BW I STILL have this urge that nothing I do is good enough, I need to play faster. My 300+ apm is being wasted. I continue to struggle in tournaments and I continue to practice mindlessly for 30+ games as I struggle to not only beat those I'm matched against, but also against that invisible opponent I've set for myself who went by the name of gO)Wizard. If anything I am more unhappy now that I've hit GM on all 3 servers than I am having been the simple person playing UMS on US east on BW. Yet I continue playing.
to this day I still thank the person known as gO)Wizard. Only because of him I became infatuated with competitive play. I didn't care about balance or how the interaction of units or compositions worked, my only thought process was "How the fuck do I beat this snarky zerg player?!" And I continue that line of reasoning, with a few additions to the list.
 
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I think it's funny how this blog is about being "cursed" with a self-criticising attitude, in the title you say you feel like crap, yet you're thankful to the person that made you infatuated with the competitiveness of these games.
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I too had a mentor-like person in one of the clans I was in when I was new. I played against him many years later and won. Chances are, you're much better than Mr. Wizard now. I think you need to appreciate and be proud of how good you've become, while still keeping that self-critical side of yourself that will look for mistakes in your play and finding solutions to them.
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Funnily enough I have the same feeling about RPGs. When I play an RPG I go into super munchkin mode trying to make everything perfect. Maximum amount of XP, best equipment, best party composition, etc. At the same time I also hate to play like that. I hate the mindless grinding and forcing myself to load a save game when I lose out on some xp (for example because a monster got killed by an NPC). I always keep thinking "why am I doing this? Why cant I just have simple fun?" but then I do it anyways.
I guess some people just like to torture themselfs with video games.
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Maybe you need to find another gO)Wizard? Perhaps a team of gO)Wizards, looking for someone who can reach GM in Korea.
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Being self-critical is by no means a bad thing as long as you are objective in your approach. People who are very self-critical are more likely to improve and succeed in whatever it is they set out to do. But as others have said, it's also healthy to acknowledge and be proud of how far you've come, taking moments to reflect on and appreciate the journey you've had.
On January 10 2016 23:22 RoomOfMush wrote:
Funnily enough I have the same feeling about RPGs. When I play an RPG I go into super munchkin mode trying to make everything perfect. Maximum amount of XP, best equipment, best party composition, etc. At the same time I also hate to play like that. I hate the mindless grinding and forcing myself to load a save game when I lose out on some xp (for example because a monster got killed by an NPC). I always keep thinking "why am I doing this? Why cant I just have simple fun?" but then I do it anyways.
I guess some people just like to torture themselfs with video games.
Um... Bro are you seriously comparing StarCraft to single-player RPG games? I would hardly consider playing against top GM opponents every day to be "mindless grinding". Bad analogy.
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Nothing new. Many players played 24/7 at high master ranking. After getting promoted to GM league they left sc2 after two weeks. I know this "phenomenon" since HotS Release. Some people changed their 24/7 to 1/7 since GM promotion. GM is really the dealbreaker.
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On January 11 2016 23:37 Dingodile wrote:
Nothing new. Many players played 24/7 at high master ranking. After getting promoted to GM league they left sc2 after two weeks. I know this "phenomenon" since HotS Release. Some people changed their 24/7 to 1/7 since GM promotion. GM is really the dealbreaker.
It's not the deal breaker, it's the goal. Once you've reached it, where to go to ? Those people generally realize that there is very little chance that they'll ever "go pro" (maybe they didn't even want to go pro). Their goal was to get GM, they've played hours and hours to get there, much much more than people who just "play for fun". They forced themselves to play to the point where they stopped looking at sc2 as a fun activity, just as a challenge. And once they beat that challenge, well, there's not much left for them.
I actually have a few friends that had exactly the same behavior with running. They weren't very fit at the beginning, took up running just for fun. Then, as they got fitter, they gopt the idea of going for a marathon. After a couple of years of "soft prep", then a hardcore preparation of several months, they ran the 42km in around 3h35min. Since then ? They stopped running altogether. They "beat the game", and have now moved on to other things. It's the same for some sc2 who get GM I think.
To clarify, I'm not saying that all GM's stopped seeing the game as fun. But some of them do. And seeing how many hours, how much energy and time they invested in it, I think it's somewhat understandable. It's just not a "game for fun" anymore, just a challenge. Because you don't play a "game for fun" when you don't want to. You don't force yourself to play a "game for fun" even when you feel too tired, or want to do something else. You do it because you want to beat the challenge. And once it's beaten, there's not much left. Think of it as a "consuming passion" if you will !
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Keep in mind that goals usually evolve. For a gold player who aspires to getting to platinum, once he reaches that goal he may often find that he's already craving to become diamond. Maybe OP will now decide that he wants to win a big foreign tournament or that he wants to become a top streamer and make some regular income, perhaps also putting him in a position to become noticed in the e-sports world for future non-player job opportunities.
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This blog is 'conflicted':
- you make it sound like you're trapped in a pattern that's not good for you -> and then you thank for meeting that guy
- you say you play mindlessly -> but if it was truly mindless, you wouldn't be aware of it. You'd think you're doing it right, grinding out games.
So, just admit to yourself, what the fuck is bothering you actually, if anything? 
You see you have room for improvement, do you want to go for it? Is it still satisfying?
Continue improving if you want it, don't if you don't. Play casually if you wish that, there's nothing shameful about choosing not to obsess over becoming (really) good at SC. Life offers a lot of other things in its buffet, but if you like SC, go for it. Whatever you choose is right
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Feeling too self-satisfied can keep you from improving, not being satisfied with how good you are can be part of what motivates you to get better at the game. If you really don't like it maybe just re-evaluate how seriously you want to take this game or how important it is to you to be good at it?
Also I'm not saying you should never feel good about yourself, just merely pointing out that dissatisfaction is not an entirely negative thing.
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EPT
