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Germany / USA16648 Posts
Here I am, sitting in Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport Terminal 2F waiting for my connecting flight and typing this up. I arrived here from Bremen, Germany about two hours ago on my way to Nantes.
Background info on me: I was born in Germany, my mom is French, my dad is German. They separated when I was not even one year old, but my mom staid in Germany and I grew up with her as a single parent (I didn’t have any contact with my dad for about 10-12 years, but we have a really great relationship now). November 2011 my mom reached her age of retirement and about one yer later she moved back to France. Back to the place her father was born and of which he and his mother and had told my mom so much about when she was a kid. Belle-Ile-En-Mer, the biggest island of Brittany (about 18x7 km, with about 5k permanent residents and many more during the summer months). Back in 1989, when I was 7 she bought herself a home there, most of my childhood vacation memories are from this place. I guess her plan had always been to retire there and so she did.
Two days ago she died. Well, actually probably four days ago, but more on that later. Friday, about 5:50 PM, I am still at work for some totally bullshit reason, I get a call from my mom’s phone. I know something is probably wrong from that point on, because she almost never calls me on my cell phone. When she calls, she calls at home.
Officer x: Hi, this is officer x of the Gendarmerie Nationale in Belle-Ile. Are you J.?
Me: Yes, speaking.
Officer x: The son of Mrs. A?
Me: Yes.
Officer x: I’m terribly sorry to tell you this, but I have some bad news regarding your mother.
Me: Yes?
Officer x: She passed away, I’ll let the doctor say more.
Officer x passes the phone to the doctor x.
Doctor x: Hi, this is doctor x of the emergency services. Your mom died of natural causes related to her illness.
I’m like wtf are you talking about, my mom isn’t ill. But obviously she (still) was and way more than she had let anyone know…
About 25 years ago she had breast cancer, but it was treated without too much of a problem and she was fine. Then a couple of months after she had moved back to France in November 2012 (so maybe in like March or April 2013) she called me to say that she had breast cancer again. Which she apparently had known or had at least suspected for many months already, but had not done anything about, because she wanted to move and get settled first. Or so she said. She told me that she had felt something hard in her breast. As a retired M.D. herself, who had already survived one breast cancer she really should have known better and done something about it asap. I don’t fault her; this is merely a statement of fact.
Anyway, she started chemotherapy in late spring/early summer 2013 (I think?). She originally told me that she would be getting chemo and would receive surgery afterwards. However, she didn’t actually get surgery once the chemo ended. I was told that the cancer was in remission and surgery would not be necessary, but that she would be getting anti hormonal drugs instead. This was all I knew.
I saw my mom about twice a year. I would usually travel to France for Christmas, and then once either in spring or summer. In total I saw my mom for maybe 3-4 weeks per year since she had moved back to France. She was always pretty thin and had lost some more weight and complained about being tired all the time while she was getting chemo.
Last time I saw her was in the first half of May. She seemed reasonably well to me. Still pretty thin (many pants at least one size too big), but not in any sort of way that would have alarmed me. Her hair had grown back well; she wasn’t wearing a wig anymore. Now that I think about it, the day I was notified of her death (two days ago, Friday), was exactly 6 weeks after I last saw her; I left France on May 15th.
We talked about once or twice a week on the phone. Last time I called her was on Monday to tell her that my package for her was ready and that I would be sending it on Tuesday. Her cell had broken and since she wasn’t too tech savvy she had sent me her SIM card. I had bought her a new cell, installed and configured everything for her; also added some of her favorite German sweets (salted liquorice herrings from Katjes, fucking disgusting if you ask me, liquorice is already bad enough as it is, no need to ruin it further by selling it salted…). When I called on Monday it took her way longer than usual to answer the phone. I had let it ring at least 10 times and was about to hang up when she finally answered. She told me she had been in bed and wasn’t feeling well, because she had some sort of stomach flu. I didn’t give it much thought, because these things happen. Well, two days later she was dead.
According to the doctor who examined her body on Friday she had already been dead for probably about two days. She was found by her gardener, who had an appointment at 5 pm to discuss some stuff to be done. She didn’t answer the door. Since he did a lot of work for my mom he has a key to the garden. And my mom usually doesn’t fully close the sliding door from the kitchen to the garden in summer, so he entered via the kitchen and saw her lying on the living room floor next to the couch. He called the cops immediately and they called the doctor. And at about 5:50 pm they called me…
I am her only child (and she is an only child too) and she hasn’t had a partner for at least 10 years, so I will have to do everything. That’s not the worst thing, however. My grandma still lives. My mom’s mom. She is 102 years old and still in amazing health relative to her age. She still lives in her own apartment, although she has been starting to show signs of dementia. Not Alzheimer’s or anything, but she knows what’s going on. When you ask her what day of the week it is she won’t know the answer though (for example), she doesn’t know what happened last week etc.
My mom and grandma lived about 150 km apart and my mom used to visit her about 2-4 times per month for 1-3 days to check on her. She was thinking about either having her live with her or put her in a home nearby, so that she could visit her most days.
We haven’t told grandma yet that her daughter is dead. I told the cops not to notify her, I have to be the one to do it. There is no one else who should, I think. This will be my task for tonight. Maybe the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. How will I do this? And what will I do with grandma? I cannot take her back to Germany, she doesn’t speak a single word of German.
As of right now it is 2:39 pm. My plane leaves at 5:05 and arrives at 6:10. Then it’s about one hour of driving from Nantes Airport to La Baule, where grandma lives. So about 4.5 hours until I have to tell her the worst news of probably her life.
I haven’t been able to cry yet, but I bet I will when grandma does.
 
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My condolences. Words only mean so much and I couldn't help but feel that this song seems oddly appropriate.
+ Show Spoiler +
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Austria24417 Posts
My condolences. Hang in there.
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Wow that's tough  . Condolences.
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Sweden5554 Posts
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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I'm sorry for your loss. Good luck with your grandma.
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ALLEYCAT BLUES50121 Posts
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51484 Posts
Good luck and stay strong.
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Japan11286 Posts
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United Kingdom10443 Posts
sorry for your loss, Be strong and know your mum is always watching over you.
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So sorry to hear - stay strong
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My mother is me, I don't know you but I can only think it is the same for you, sincerest condolences.
Let this thread be an occasion for all of us to go hug our mum, virtually and/or for real, so said mums feel it.
Please, when you do cry from all that pain. don't fight it off.. let yourself be submerged, we want to trust you to come out stronger, the alternative would destroy you further I fear.
We are what we are, pure emotion is what you are right now and that is solemnly the hardest thing there is to deal with, but you can and you will.
Know that you are not alone in this, we are all together in this.
+ Show Spoiler +When I saw the title of your post, this music is what I held unto to not get my own emotions make me shift in disturbing shiver/chills (chills I feel while writing this very post and will indeed accompany me all through the days I think you will be submitted to this overload). Stay strong +1 (but do rip up some things do cry out like a hound in the night (don't hurt yourself or others but the rest is fair play in my book). So sorry for your loss
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I'm sorry for your loss
Best wishes to you and your grandma <3
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TLADT24920 Posts
Sorry for your loss I don't really want to imagine what it feels like to lose someone so important.
As for your grandma, either you'll have to find a place close to yours so that you can check up on her daily, do all her shopping etc... (no german interactions) or you'll have to move to France and take a job there. Either way, it's a rough decision to make so I'll wait for a while before doing anything.
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My condolences.
I lost my dad a few years ago, it's a strange feeling.
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I'm sorry for your loss
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Netherlands13554 Posts
So sad. My condolences Carnac.
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United States996 Posts
my condolences. sorry for your loss carnac.
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Sorry carnac. The worst deaths are those that are unexpected. My condolences to you <3
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Seeker
Where dat snitch at?37024 Posts
My condolences. I hope you and your family will be able to get through this difficult time.
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My condolence. This must be hard for you
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Carnac, I know what you're going through, I went through the same pain when my mother passed away. One thing I learned is that you're going to be grieving and fall into a depressed state for a while, but you need to keep head strong and also be strong for your grandmother. My grandmother is still currently depressed from this and it's already been 6+ years, but I visit her every week and make sure to try and keep her spirits up. Losing a mother is hard, losing a child is harder.
I know everyone is different on how they handle this, but if you ever need to talk to some one about it, I'm open to PM's. It's going to be a tough time for you and your grandmother, you just need to keep strong and always keep looking forward. Life is precious.
I'm sorry for your loss, just keep your head up.
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My sincerest condoleances, friend.
Be strong.
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Germany / USA16648 Posts
Thanks guys. We told grandma. Of course she is devastated, but overall it went better than expected.
I have the best help I can hope for, which I didnt mention yet. My mom's cousin (the son of my grandmother's long deceased twin sister) is my godfather. He and his wife are doing so much now. They picked me up from the airport. Then we went straight to grandma and told her. Then his wife made us all dinner. Tomorrow we will go to the funeral home and make arrangements. My godfather and his wife already talked to them on my behalf before I could get here.
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Sorry for your loss.
On a lighter note: your mother had good taste, salted liquorice herrings are so legit.
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Sorry for your loss. Strength telling your grandmother and dealing with all necessary arrangements.
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
<3 Carnac. Our thoughts are with you man.
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Wow, really sorry for your loss. Hope you are able to stay strong and find some space to really grieve.
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Sweden33719 Posts
So sorry for your loss... Even just thinking about this is hard enough, can't imagine what it feels like actually going through it.
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my condolences to you and your family
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I am so sorry to hear this.
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Thank you for sharing this incredibly human experience. I can feel what you are going through. Hang in there.
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Germany / USA16648 Posts
Anyone know what kind of mobile internet to get for my laptop while I am in France?
Right now I am using my phone in roaming mode, this will quickly get pretty expensive...and it's cumbersome.
Laptop only has wifi inbuilt, so I need a USB broadband modem and a sim I guess? Any pointers? I will need it for let's say 2-3 weeks for now.
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
: ( be strong as she was. it took me months before I cried, but it will happen. still feel guilty for not talking/visiting her more.
my heartfelt condolences.
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That really sucks Carnac. >_< I hope she's resting peacefully. It really hurts when they don't tell you they aren't well and they try to get through it on their own. I understand they want to protect us and not make us worry. I know the feeling.
;/
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On June 29 2015 07:26 Liquid`Jinro wrote:
So sorry for your loss... Even just thinking about this is hard enough, can't imagine what it feels like actually going through it.
+1
reading about it is brutal...
can't imagine living it.
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Sorry to read about your loss. As the others have mentioned, thinking about it is hard...experiencing it is unimaginable.
It is a positive thing to hear that you've got your Uncle & Aunty / Godparents looking after you and your Grandmother for now.
Take Care and look after yourself.
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Sorry to hear! Hope you and your family are doing okay in this time of mourning
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That sucks so much T_T my condolences
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I'm sorry for your loss . Hang in there !
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Katowice25012 Posts
Sorry to hear Carnac, thoughts are with you.
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Korea (South)11579 Posts
T_T! I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. RIP Carnac's wonderful mom
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Bisutopia19239 Posts
Your mom must have been amazing because we all love you Carnac. Hang in there.
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My condolences to you and your family. Losing a family member is always rough
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Wish you the best in life. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
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So sorry mate. That's awful.
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
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Calgary25980 Posts
Really sorry for your loss Carnac.
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"I haven’t been able to cry yet, but I bet I will when grandma does."
And if you still don't after that; it's time to read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. I know im probably a bad person; but I can't envision myself crying when my maman dies....we never got along that well -_-
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Sorry man
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EPT![[image loading]](http://www.imgion.com/images/01/Bear-Hug-.jpg)
