EPT
Emotional reciprocation is a decent way of elevating attraction but a terrible foundation for a relationship. That type of rapport is by definition dependent on the other person, propped up by the external reinforcement of the environment. It is a fragile feedback loop: you feel as great as the other person feels and vice versa. As soon as something bad comes along to disrupt the party, it disrupts the escalation and leaves both parties cold. Just as emotional reciprocation primes a couple for ever-increasing affectation, its interruption usually leads to a downwards spiral. This loss is expressed with phrases such as “I don’t care for you as much as I used to”, “The feeling is gone”, and other such nonsense, as if love was a novelty labeled with an expiration date. And I want to emphasize that it is nonsense. Emotional reciprocation is necessary for most relationships to flourish, but it fails as long as it is the measuring stick for the relationship.*
Here are two useful case studies for studying this phenomenon from a distance.
Nothing super exciting just a problem, who do i ask out. Girl a or b. Not sure on the best way to explain it so excuse it being all over the place. Im 19 girl a is 18 and b is 17. A is 5ft 8 brunette b is 6ft blonde both are skinny but not extremely. I have known them both for almost 10 years. Both have similar personalities except girl b is quite shy and jumpy but becomes confident when she knows people or is with me. If i asked them out i would say 85% time yes with a and 99% with b. They both are equally attractive mostly since b has braces and gets the odd stress spot but would say in a year or two would be equal or better looking. Main problems are that they are sisters and b would probably be upset if i went out with a. So as i see it i have four options ask out a. Ask out b. Find someone else. Wait and see what changes. Excuse poor layout sent from old battered phone.
He provides as much relevant information as he possibly can. Sadly, none of this information is useful for leading to a final decision. We don’t know how it relates to his desires and his values. Does he prefer brunettes over blondes? Maybe. Does height factor as a preference? I dunno. Of course, most 19-year-olds are more capable of hooking up with a girl than articulating why they choose her over someone else. So it comes as no surprise that when confronted with a choice paradox, he turns to other people to help him. Multiple perspectives could help him come to a proper result, but not without informing his audience who he is as a person.
Now assume one girl had showed undeniable interest in him. He’s already mentioned that both are highly likely to saying yes; both roughly fall into his personal criteria of attractiveness; their personalities are similar except for one thing, which is irrelevant when it comes to interacting with him. If he liked A more, his post would be focused on how to maintain the friendship with B when she found out. If he liked B more, he’d been talking about something not previously mentioned. Then the logistics of setting up the date, and making sure all involved parties are happy, would come into play.
This is a negative example of how emotional reciprocation affects judgment. His fundamental problem is that since neither girl has ‘chosen’ him (i.e. given him enough emotional leverage to fall into one option), he cannot make the choice himself. There’s no gap in attraction strong enough to contribute to his thought process. If he had a stronger sense of self, then he would have already selected one girl and be more concerned with the potential fallout. Instead, he is frozen and convinced that analyzing the secondary facts is the solution out of his rut he’s in. In short, he should be asking himself “Why are I asking strangers whom I should like more?”
I'm currently single, my last relationship ended a few weeks ago. (We were together for about 2.5 years, but had to split, because she had to move to a town hundreds of kilometers away from my place. We tried to make things work, but seeing each other only once a month was terrible, so we decided to go separate ways.)
An old (female) friend of mine moved back into my town. Since she's back, there's something strange happening when we meet each other. We have always been getting along quite well, but suddenly there seems to be more. She's showing interest. (looks, touches) Tomorrow, we're going to spend the evening together. And I'm kind of nervous, because I've got the feeling that we might...collide. I guess, I'll just let things happen, but I've never had sex with a woman I knew for such a long time.
An old (female) friend of mine moved back into my town. Since she's back, there's something strange happening when we meet each other. We have always been getting along quite well, but suddenly there seems to be more. She's showing interest. (looks, touches) Tomorrow, we're going to spend the evening together. And I'm kind of nervous, because I've got the feeling that we might...collide. I guess, I'll just let things happen, but I've never had sex with a woman I knew for such a long time.
There’s nothing wrong with what he’s done. His breakup is sensible. His feelings for his old friend are understandable. There is no malice or selfishness in his intentions. Yet there’s a problem in his narrative, small but insidious, that threatens to ruin whatever chemistry they might have. Notice the line of reasoning in the last part of the paragraph. First, he realizes that she is doing things that indicate sexual interest. Then, he realizes he is similarly attracted to her. Afterwards, he wonders whether their next encounter might lead to sex. Finally, he gets worried about what might happen after this hypothetical romp. This kind of thing happens all the time. When people haven’t seen each other for a long time, their sense of the relationship quickly change upon meeting again. A lot of passion can flare up when the comfort of familiarity is mixed with the newness of the actual difference.
The question I would ask him in person is, why did her perceived attraction to you generate that response? Why did your thoughts about sex, and all it could entail, not exist before you noticed the touching and the looking? Was she not physically attractive enough? Did she not pass your standards in terms of humor, intelligence, imagination, etc.?
From his perspective, it seems like something changed within their friendship. From my perspective the answer seems simpler (and could be wrong as a result). She is communicating interest of some sort but may not feel compelled to admit it in person. What’s important is his interpretation of it: she is doing x, y, and z, therefore she must be attracted to me. But why is he returning the affection of an old friend in the first place, particularly if nothing before that point inspired lust? Because he is unconsciously mirroring her interest in him, which set off a feedback loop.** So he rationalizes his newfound attraction (which was a response to her apparent attraction, which may or may not have been sexual in nature at that point) by positing that a fundamental shift has occurred in their relationship. Once only old friends, they are inexplicably becoming closer to lovers than pals. Here is self-fulfilling prophecy at its best.
Is that a bad thing? No. As long as they remain in the rudimentary stages of connection, it is more than sufficient to fuel their relationship. If it ever goes past that part though, it will become increasingly difficult to justify the existence of the relationship. As it goes through the typical highs and lows, both parties may mistake the lack of passion as a sign that “things aren’t working out”. What it really indicates is that relationship was built on a self-defeating foundation.
* It’s closely intertwined with the three primary motivations behind getting romantically involved with someone: desiring the experience of desire, desiring the experience of a relationship, and desiring a person. That is an interrelated subject that tackles a different set of concerns, mainly the distinction between inspiring someone to be their 'best self' and unconsciously substituting a personal projection in place of the other.
** This is the primary reason I brush off indicators of interests (an old term originating in the pickup community) and tell people to ignore IOIs in general. They are useful to realize when a girl is attracted to you, but that is the extent of their usefulness.
People too aware of IOIs begin to rely on them to determine when it’s safe or appropriate to show interest in a girl. Never mind the fact that initial negative reactions do not correlate with actual interest (this arises from the erroneous assumption that men and women have the same internal relationship with their emotions), it is not healthy to base your emotions on the state of the environment. Additionally, they depend on emotional reciprocation to dictate their romantic life instead of personal values and boundaries. Such individuals go through predictable patterns of intense attraction followed by breakups, subsequently blaming their exes for failing to maintain expectations. Sorry but all your failures share one thing in common: you.
