|
Just some incoherent rambling, I've almost drunk a bottle of wine and don't plan to stop, so I guess I'm reasonably drunk now. Not drinking alcohol won't make my life better anyway, so fuck it.
Pretty much my whole life has been a struggle with social phobia. It's not that I lack contact to other people, in school I was invited to almost all parties, drank and went out often. I got along (and still get along) with pretty much everyone, but at the same time no one was ever interested in me and I never felt that I was loved or just simply liked by anyone (It's not like anyone would've ever said something like that to me). I guess the phobia is caused by myself thinking that everyone hates me. 4 years ago I started building up social contact. We were 4 friends and I began to feel that they liked me, so my social phobia got way better. But when I started going to college 2 years ago, our contact became sparse.
Well, one friend I haven't seen since August of last year. We planned to meet each other soon (my last words to her were "See you next week"), that didn't happen, she had no time because of work. I wrote her in January, but she didn't respond. She seems to have a boyfriend now, so I guess she just simply moved on. Now I fear contacting her.
Another friend I haven't seen since July went to South Africa, I wrote her a letter in march and she even seemed to be happy about it. She messaged me afterwards and we exchanged a few words. She has been back for 2-3 months now, but I fear contacting her.
I still have some contact with the last one. He's never been much of a talker (me neither), so we don't really have anything to say to another. We still play D&D from time to time though. However he plans to move to Berlin in August and I fear I will lose contact to him as well.
And it hurts me to think that the people I cared about so much don't seem to care about me. I tried to keep up contact with them, but they didn't try to keep up contact with me. I now know that I overvalued our friendship, we didn't even do that much together back then, but still they were the best friends I ever had in my life.
About 2 months ago I found some new friends and we chatted a lot to each other on facebook, but to me they seem hesitant to meet me, we haven't seen each other since the end of may and for over a week now we only exchanged a few words (I wrote both of them today and they went offline afterwards). Now I again feel like everyone hates me and it get's worse every day.
However the only counter-example I have to everyone hating me is even worse.
I knew that he was interested in me the very second I saw him glancing at me, but I was absolutely not interested in him. I thought I could just talk with him and get away before anything serious happened, so I had a short conversation with him, but didn't expect him to pull me and kiss me that fast. He just exploited my inexperience. At that moment your brain just stops working. We had sex afterwards, but weirdly enough that's not what leaves me shaking to this day, it's my first kiss that I wasted. I knew he wanted sexual contact, I had time to leave the place, but I somehow didn't. So I feel like it's my fault. He even lightly stalked me afterwards (he acts like I'm everything he ever dreamt of, even though we've only talked to each other for half an hour). Just yesterday (after a few weeks of silence) I got another message of him on facebook. I don't really care about those messages, I only fear him to come over personally, since he knows my address and is physically way tougher than me. I used to not lock my door, but nowadays I do it even while I'm inside or if I'm just leaving for a minute.
I just don't know what to do, I find no joy in life, even making music, which used to fulfill me before, doesn't make me forget my troubles anymore. I don't care that much about that one guy kissing and having sex with me, I just want the people I care about to not hate me.
|
There are people who care for you, even if you don't see it or even if you don't feel it. However sometimes or in some peoples lives, or almost constantly to the point it feels like always, you feel as if you don't deserve to be cared for or that no one cares for you despite what logic and reason say.
Someone out there truely cares for you, if you want to believe that or not is up to you. But the fact of the matter is someone out there really does care and would essentially, die for you out of love/care for you. You may not see it or it may not be apparent right now but hopefully one day you will as in my opinion that's what life's meaning is, love - the kind in which you care for someone no matter what and will live for them.
To be honest I don't normally talk to anyone about any sorts of these things because from my personal mental state, it's never worked for me. No amount of reading what others have written or encouraging stories or words I read will move me from my state of mind - which isn't in the best of places as compared to your average person.
One thing I will tell you however is that you use the word hate, as if it had no meaning.
Love and hate are two words that are thrown around like micro and macro, people have no understanding of that power that these two words have or what their true meaning is - from my point of view..
No one hates you. For you to think that would be along the same lines of you think everyone loves you, they don't. I refuse to go into more detail as to how no one hates you, but you thinking that someone hates you is literally you having an ego, in the nicest way possible - if that makes sense..
You said you were worried about contacting your friends, what if they share the same feelings/worries and even more so.
You seem like a sensative soul which can be good and bad in the sense you will be honest to most and those you care about and be hurt much more then the regular person when you are lied to. What you do is completely up to you and only you can decide if someone hates you or not as you are "ASSUMING" they do which from my experiance, generally means you're guessing which means you're taking a chance, aka a chance that you're wrong.
Nothing in the end I say or offer in terms of advice will help you, but in the end you are who you are and that is more than enough. Love, hate.. These are words that you apply to what you feel, you can't apply them to what others feel.
I hope you don't mind me, I'm just a straight naive virgin guy who hopes he will only kiss one girl in his life and give himself to only one. I hope your first kiss will be more of a benafit to your overall well being rather then a distant bad memory.
|
1. If you want a friend, be a friend.
2. You're never truly alone.
|
It's not your fault, that guy sounds a bit rapey. Though get used to guys idolizing you like that based on limited contact. A kiss/sex will turn some guys into obsessed puppies that'll follow you around until you ignore them enough (or adopt them).
People don't hate you, at worst they're just busy or apathetic. A lot of it probably comes from how critical you are of youself and once you can turn that around you'll start seeing that people actually enjoy your company. Act like everyone's your friend and a lot will be. I used to have social anxiety and drifted away from my high school friends. Life is just busy and though I still like a lot of them we don't really keep in touch. You'll make new friends and they'll be more suited to you now as they'll like you for who you've become, not who you were.
|
Friends drift from each other, that's natural. When you go into new places, when you go to new jobs, you meet a lot of different people and the people who your world centers around changes. Your old friend from high school suddenly doesn't come up in your mind as much as the exciting new coworker who shares all his/her tastes with you, that's natural. It's not that they don't care about you, they do: it's just that there's other priorities and pressures and they can't always be there to help you with yours. Many years from now, when you've all started new lives, you might find yourself having reunions with them and it'll just be like old times for a little while before you all go back to your own lives. That's just the way the world is.
I don't know if you'll really believe someone on the internet, but I really do know the feeling when everyone you used to know separates moves on, and it seems like you're clinging onto something that isn't there anymore. It's not that you overrated your friendships it's that they found other friendships and assumed that you did the same. And it hurts that you haven't, but you also have to know the only way to move on is to do the same. You will never grow unless you do something you are afraid of. Trusting someone, putting yourself out there might really be the most terrifying thing you can do, but know that you will be a better person for being able to do it, even if the first few attempts may fail horribly. People will always disappoint you, but if you believe that you need to also believe in the opposite, in that people will surprise you, and trust me when I say that if you put yourself out there, you will find friends one day. Just don't give up. You will find new people to care about.
And you should know that people who are brave can be brave not because they're not afraid, it's because they recognize that they are afraid, take a deep breath, and do it anyway. You can be brave too. It's a quality everyone has, you just need to nurture it.
And lastly, respect yourself. There are parts of yourself that you like, and you need to not be ashamed of it. You're allowed to like yourself, and what you like about yourself others will like to. It's not at all your fault that you had sex with that guy, you couldn't have known better and if you keep battering yourself as if you could have you'll never get anywhere. Say no. Stand up for yourself. Look in the mirror every day and look yourself in the eye and tell yourself that you deserve love and love will come to you and even if today is total shit tomorrow will be better, because you will be better and you will be stronger. Say it even if you don't believe it. Say it until you believe it.
|
Have you tried seeing a therapist? What about medication?
Both of them are well worth trying.
|
|
|
Thank you all for your encouraging comments. Of course it's not much, but they made me feel a little better. 
I guess I'm somewhat hesitant about friendship now as I haven't found any real friends at college yet, they're great people, but I don't feel all too connected to them and I won't have a lot of close social contact later in my field of work. But I'll go to university next year, maybe it'll change there.
On July 02 2014 16:37 zlefin wrote:
Have you tried seeing a therapist? What about medication?
Both of them are well worth trying.
I haven't, yet. I've wanted to see a therapist for years now, but I'm a little hesitant, since I fear talking about my problems with other people and don't want to take time away from more serious cases.
On July 02 2014 17:47 tenacity wrote:
Are u a guy or a girl?
Well, what do you think? 
|
I do find my self thinking the same thing and i wonder why is this. I have found out that sometimes people do feel uncomfortable when i not around. I had the best looking girlfriend, i got payed way more what most people got, i am better at games. So they feel bad looking at my gf, they feel bad when speaking of work, they can't really speak with authority about games... I do understand them. Please do not take this a bragging. I have nothing to brag about. Those people enjoy life way more then i do. In fact i do fail miserably at life. Earlier in life, i was the one everyone would call, everyone seemed to enjoy spending every day with me, but now it is a different story. It took me some time to figure it out.Your position might be kinda the same. You are a girl who obviously play games, chances are you are somewhat attractive. Males might feel awkward around you as they want you but can't have you, females might feel that as a girl gamer you are probably way more interesting than them. I guess i don't really have anything constructive to say... just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I know i often feel that i am the only person in the world that failed such a big a time in life.
|
On July 02 2014 16:37 zlefin wrote:
Have you tried seeing a therapist? What about medication?
Both of them are well worth trying.
As far as I can see, there is nothing actually wrong with her. She needs emotional support, not medication.
|
1. Stop caring about what people think.
2. Find people that do care about you. Care about them
Real friends are hard to come by. I'm in a similar situation to your as well, what helped was gradually killing my need for validation. However I'm still pretty lonely in a sense that I never ever open up to people. My best friend, my only real friend, I've known since 7, and been in the same school with him from then till 16. We've also been in the same class 6 times, so we had a lot of time together. As much as I want a fulfilling relationship, I flake a lot on girls that ask me out, or girls that i've asked out.
We all have ups and downs man, it's called being human. Don't sweat it, it gets better if you want it to. You've always got us to talk to
|
On July 02 2014 16:37 zlefin wrote:
Have you tried seeing a therapist? What about medication?
Both of them are well worth trying.
for the sorts of issued described in this blog i'm for seeing a therapist and against medication.
i also think "journaling" can be therapeutic. and its something you can do your entire life.
i'd recommend journalling and this book... which can form the foundation of your daily journal.
http://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462
some nice simple straightforward strats..
the "childhood excavating" is a bit much .. but it can awaken parts of yourself you alienated long ago.
one of the best things you can do for a chronic malaise is to spend more time outdoors.
|
I mean it's not like you can just get anti depressants over the counter anyway... You go to a reputable psychiatrist and then he/she prescribes somethingg appropriate, for it was therapy without medication. Seeing a therapist may be stigmatized, but many without any mental conditions. Marital problems, exam stress, work stress etc. There's zero reason not to get help, people may snigger at you behind your back, but a few months from now when you're happier and more productive, you win.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
