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Hello TL,
It's been a while since I last rambled on about myself at length on an internet forum, so I thought I would give it another shot.
Maybe you read my last blog; probably not. I don't blame you. Let me summarize my situation: I have no personality, no friends, and no social skills. I'm going to school, where I mostly sit in my own little bubble ignoring the people around me and occasionally making an awkward attempt at conversation, which never leads anywhere.
As I was lying in bed trying (and failing) to fall asleep this evening, I was feeling sad about the fact that I never really talk to anyone about my life. I see my counselor on April 2. Until then, I get to keep everything to myself. Then I remembered I can write a blog on TL! The nice thing about writing a blog is that even if nobody gives a flying fuck about me or my life, I still get the chance to express myself instead of internalizing everything.
So, with that in mind, I'd like to engage in some excessive complaining.
My birthday was a little over 2 weeks ago. You know who cared? My parents. Nobody else even noticed it. I guess that's my fault for not telling them. I was really hoping someone outside of my family might know. It seems like it would show that they cared about me, at least a little bit, enough to take the 5 seconds to click on the thing in the top right of their Facebook page that says it's my birthday, and write me a generic message. Yeah, nobody did that. It may seem stupid, but I was pretty sad about it.
I'm now 23 years old. Should I be happy about that? I should have graduated by 21. Nope, failure. When I was a kid everyone would always tell me how smart I was. That was my thing, all the way through high school. I may not have been attractive or popular or athletic, but I was "the smart guy". At least, to my face. The rest of the time I was probably "the weird quiet guy with long hair that smells weird", but I'm happier not knowing about that.
I wonder what all those people would think of me now. I'm a total fuckup. I suppose that's what they would think of me. That's definitely what I think of myself.
People still tell me I'm smart. Like, that's the only good thing anyone can come up with about me. I had an appointment with my doctor this past Friday. I told her I had been feeling like I have nothing to offer other people, no reason for them to like me or want to be around me. She gave me the "you do have value" spiel, and the centerpiece was "you're smart". Is that just some kind of generic fallback people have when they can't think of anything else positive to say? Is it because I wear glasses? I definitely don't feel smart. In fact, most of the time I feel pretty damn stupid.
I have to wonder, why is it that I have nobody to talk to? Is it really because nobody's interested in me? Or is it because I'm always so hesitant to share my life and my thoughts with other people?
I take voice lessons. This past Friday I went to my lesson a few hours after my doctor's appointment. I told my voice teacher I was feeling a bit down. She's a great person - the opposite of me in pretty much every way. Accomplished. Social. Likable. Skilled. Female. Anyway, she said I could talk to her about it if I wanted to. I politely declined. I don't know why. I guess I felt like I didn't want to dump all my burdens on her. Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe she was just being polite, and didn't really care to hear about my pathetic emotional issues. Then again, maybe not. In any case, I spent about 20 minutes crying alone in my car after that. It didn't make me feel better.
I think there was more I intended to write about, but I seem to have lost my train of thought. I guess I'll conclude here and go back to bed.
Thanks for reading, hope you all have a better weekend than I.
 
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Hey man. Happy Birthday!
Even if it comes a tad bit late. =)
My advice:
Spend your time trying to find what you really like doing.
You will fail completely at some point if you're just trying to meet other people's expectations.
Don't ask yourself constantly what other people think of you. If you find yourself doing that, chances are that's because most of the people sourrounding you are doing things you yourself don't really believe in. Don't try to please them.
If you start to find and do things you really like, you will like yourself better and thats the basis for other people to have meaningful connections with you.
Like just now. You shared something honest about yourself. And it made me care enough to register just to post a reply.
One additional thing, from personal experience (i'm 33 and struggled with the same kind of shit you're describing):
Work out! It works real wonders in surprisingly short periods of time if you do it for your own mental and physical well-being (as opposed to pleasing other people's eyes - that's just a beneficial side-effect). If you don't know where to start: Just go for a walk (30min - one hour) every day. If you feel like doing more: Try Calisthenics.
Best of Luck!
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 I think meaningless descriptors like "smart" and "nice" aren't as bad as they might seem at first. It means people have a good impression of you though they don't know you. The hard part is to let them know you, and I'm afraid it has to be through tangible mediums (which may require being interested in stuff that doesn't particularly interest you at first). If you're in music already, maybe try theater, dance, or something of that sort.
Anyway I'm much like you from the sounds of it; but I guess in addition I'm hypocrite who gives advice and is too chicken shit to follow it himself. Sorry you're feeling so bad, hope it gets better. 23 is young, there's plenty of time to make changes. Hell, things will change even if you don't purposely make them.
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avoidant personality disorder? What does your doctor and counselor really say?
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You take voice lessons. So that sounds like an interest you have (?), expand that. You will meet people with similar interests so you have a discussion point to start at. I agree with the sentiment of just doing your interest and things tend to fall in line from that.
The second advice about physical exercise is also good. A lot of scientific studies show improved moods etc when in decent or better condition. Doing a group activity for this might also be a contact point, but only if you are willing to try to interact. Not as big shot as going after your interests.
(I have always been interested in computer gaming, so my connections are through that. I've been playing on and off in clans for a decade now. Take cares of what social needs I have. Though I find it unsatisfactory now a days and am considering picking up a physical hobby where I meet the people I talk to.)
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Hey there! I've sometimes felt I was in a similar situation as you are now, and I just want you to know that things will change without you realising them.
There are three things you should do:
- Be kind to people; you can start off easy...liking a person's status or photo on facebook, and wish your facebook friends happy birthday on facebook, even though they're not 'friends' but merely acquaintances (and include smileys :D); hold a door open, or the elevator, give way to cars trying to get into your lane, recommend books, movies, tv shows or video-games to anyone you know might share your interests. You don't have to go out of your way, but even things that take the slightest effort may not only make someone's day, but they will make YOU feel good.
- Self-improvement; seriously the poster above who mentioned gym? Do it, now. Letting off steam by lifting weights, constantly working towards a goal and seeing yourself improve gives an almost life-changing boost of self-confidence. I know because I felt great when I took the decision to go to the gym a mere 3 times a week, and now that I stopped, I feel like shit.
- If someone offers you to let out your feelings. Do take that chance. You will find that many people actually enjoy helping others.
PS: Happy Belated Birthday!
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I take it that you're in college now since u say u should have graduated by 21. Anyways, in nearly all colleges there are a lot of diverse people that are bound to have the same interests as u, even if its just like a handful of people. If you were in high school, i'd understand that u have nobody to talk to since the diversity is much lower, but in college, you should at least attempt to join some societies or gatherings like ones related to gaming or something( I'm going to suspect that you're into gaming since you're on TL).
I guess the important thing is to find out what u like doing and try to meet more people who have the same interests. Also, when you're carrying a conversation with someone u just met, just try as hard as you can to keep the convo going. Even if it's a dumb question, just ask and keep the conversation flowing. Even if someone wants to be friends with u and tries to talk to u but u answer in a short manner and u don't ask questions back, they're going to have hesitations about u.
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Hmm, I'm 25 and I feel like I'm kinda like you, personality-wise, but I would say I'm doing fine. I accepted some time ago that I actually don't really look for a lot human of interaction (except with my family), and that's it's perfectly fine as it is.
My advice would be to either:
- accept who you are, find something you enjoy doing and find new things you might enjoy, regardless of whether or not society values those things. Don't care about what other people think, what other people want.
- if you really miss human interaction and would like things that many take for granted, like friendship, love, etc.., you're gonna have to change.
If you want to change, start with small things, like for example your outter appearance. I know it sounds superficial and shit, but if you start to dress better and take care of your hair, hygiene, physical shape or something, it will act as a kind of shell and armor of self-confidence and you will be able to take more steps forward from there. That would be my advice, and that's what I'm trying to do myself right now, and I think it's working.
Don't dwell on the "am I smart or not?" internal debate, it doesn't yield much. I thought I was smart too, then later on I found out that there are smarter people than me (duh), then again later on I decided that it didn't matter much. Your intelligence is only a small part of who you are, don't let it define you.
Oh, and as a last piece of advice, get a pet. A cat or a dog is someone who'll make your life happier, without much investment on your part. You just have to love them, which I find easier than to love humain beings (but that's just me ;D).
Edit: Oh also:
You say "is it because nobody is interested in me?". It will sound a bit harsh, but it's related to the 2 alternatives I gave above: either you decide that other people are not that interesting themselves and that you're fine being alone, OR you decide to make yourself interesting. That's the only 2 ways I see it, people won't go find you and find you interesting by themselves if you don't give them reasons to.
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+ Show Spoiler +On March 16 2014 16:24 Rostam wrote:
Hello TL,
It's been a while since I last rambled on about myself at length on an internet forum, so I thought I would give it another shot.
Maybe you read my last blog; probably not. I don't blame you. Let me summarize my situation: I have no personality, no friends, and no social skills. I'm going to school, where I mostly sit in my own little bubble ignoring the people around me and occasionally making an awkward attempt at conversation, which never leads anywhere.
As I was lying in bed trying (and failing) to fall asleep this evening, I was feeling sad about the fact that I never really talk to anyone about my life. I see my counselor on April 2. Until then, I get to keep everything to myself. Then I remembered I can write a blog on TL! The nice thing about writing a blog is that even if nobody gives a flying fuck about me or my life, I still get the chance to express myself instead of internalizing everything.
So, with that in mind, I'd like to engage in some excessive complaining.
My birthday was a little over 2 weeks ago. You know who cared? My parents. Nobody else even noticed it. I guess that's my fault for not telling them. I was really hoping someone outside of my family might know. It seems like it would show that they cared about me, at least a little bit, enough to take the 5 seconds to click on the thing in the top right of their Facebook page that says it's my birthday, and write me a generic message. Yeah, nobody did that. It may seem stupid, but I was pretty sad about it.
I'm now 23 years old. Should I be happy about that? I should have graduated by 21. Nope, failure. When I was a kid everyone would always tell me how smart I was. That was my thing, all the way through high school. I may not have been attractive or popular or athletic, but I was "the smart guy". At least, to my face. The rest of the time I was probably "the weird quiet guy with long hair that smells weird", but I'm happier not knowing about that.
I wonder what all those people would think of me now. I'm a total fuckup. I suppose that's what they would think of me. That's definitely what I think of myself.
People still tell me I'm smart. Like, that's the only good thing anyone can come up with about me. I had an appointment with my doctor this past Friday. I told her I had been feeling like I have nothing to offer other people, no reason for them to like me or want to be around me. She gave me the "you do have value" spiel, and the centerpiece was "you're smart". Is that just some kind of generic fallback people have when they can't think of anything else positive to say? Is it because I wear glasses? I definitely don't feel smart. In fact, most of the time I feel pretty damn stupid.
I have to wonder, why is it that I have nobody to talk to? Is it really because nobody's interested in me? Or is it because I'm always so hesitant to share my life and my thoughts with other people?
I take voice lessons. This past Friday I went to my lesson a few hours after my doctor's appointment. I told my voice teacher I was feeling a bit down. She's a great person - the opposite of me in pretty much every way. Accomplished. Social. Likable. Skilled. Female. Anyway, she said I could talk to her about it if I wanted to. I politely declined. I don't know why. I guess I felt like I didn't want to dump all my burdens on her. Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe she was just being polite, and didn't really care to hear about my pathetic emotional issues. Then again, maybe not. In any case, I spent about 20 minutes crying alone in my car after that. It didn't make me feel better.
I think there was more I intended to write about, but I seem to have lost my train of thought. I guess I'll conclude here and go back to bed.
Thanks for reading, hope you all have a better weekend than I.
Dude, your story is so similar to mine I could have written this, in fact it was my birthday 2 days ago and no-one but my family noticed. But you know what, we went bowling, it was fun, you can be happy with the little things as you go along and find your place.
+ Show Spoiler +
Cheer up!
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Find a sport or a club or some kind of group hobby. Go and make your best effort, even if you're terrible. When a new person joins my ultimate team, they are always terrible and usually too shy to speak much at all for a while. But so long as they have a good positive attitude then everyone respects them, wants to help them improve and wants to get to know them. I mean it.
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I think taking voice lessons from a female you consider respectable is a pretty tough and ballsy thing to do. I can't really make myself sing in front of anyone even if I do some other things you don't (like, apparently, talk to people). So, your balls aren't the problem.
I would start by just being nice to strangers if you aren't already. Ask people how they're doing when you walk by them on the street. Hold the door open for people (doesn't just have to be women!) when the opportunity presents itself. The other day I was going through the self checkout at the grocery store and had a conversation with some guy about "which came first, the bacon or the pork?" Which I admit was a pretty stupid question (he came up with it), but I was still able to stand there and talk about how awesome bacon is for a few minutes while I paid for my stuff.
It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to just say whatever comes to your mind, and you'll probably never see the majority of strangers again so there's very little risk. I got to a point in my life where I realized I wanted people to be nice to me, so I started being preemptively nice to everyone I came across. Occasionally (like at the grocery store) it develops into a longer conversation. With all that practice, it got really easy to bullshit with people and make friends quickly at places like work. None of this came naturally to me a child/adolescent, but it was a realization and transition in my life that I identify very strongly with "growing up."
As a final point, if you think you "smell funny," take more showers, be more diligent about washing yourself in the shower, and start using some cologne. There is no way feeling like you "smell funny" won't undermine your confidence when it comes time to talk to people.
Cheers, and good luck!
EDIT:
On March 16 2014 16:24 Rostam wrote:
I have to wonder, why is it that I have nobody to talk to? Is it really because nobody's interested in me? Or is it because I'm always so hesitant to share my life and my thoughts with other people?
I just read this part again, and no. You're going about it backwards. It is you who pretends to be (or genuinely is) interested them. Don't forget that everyone else wants to "share their life and their thoughts" as much as you do. If people are comfortable talking to you, you will be comfortable talking back. This is also how you identify people with similar thoughts/interests/etc. and make friends.
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On March 17 2014 01:35 jrwh wrote:
As a final point, if you think you "smell funny," take more showers, be more diligent about washing yourself in the shower, and start using some cologne. There is no way feeling like you "smell funny" won't undermine your confidence when it comes time to talk to people.
Cheers, and good luck!
I also feel i "smell funny" when i use some decent cologne because no one gives any decent feedback that it suits me and they(girls) like my smell(cologne).. Thus the shower doesnt help. :|
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On March 17 2014 01:55 webas wrote:Show nested quote +On March 17 2014 01:35 jrwh wrote:
As a final point, if you think you "smell funny," take more showers, be more diligent about washing yourself in the shower, and start using some cologne. There is no way feeling like you "smell funny" won't undermine your confidence when it comes time to talk to people.
Cheers, and good luck!
I also feel i "smell funny" when i use some decent cologne because no one gives any decent feedback that it suits me and they(girls) like my smell(cologne).. Thus the shower doesnt help. :|
Ask your mom or your sister then. Point blank. It may not be the same for everyone, but I know my mom is expecting some grandchildren at some point and would never steer me wrong on something like that.
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My arm's separated so take this comment to heart, it took a bit to write it.
Don't be so down right now, that makes things worse. I didn't want to see a psychologist when I got down like this, but I also had people to vent to, and I got through it on my own. That said, see a psychologist if you can. He/she will help you a lot more than you can help yourself, and I realize that now. See a life coach for a bit too. These people can help you get back on track when it seems like you feel you can't get back on track.
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Don't dwell in negativity. That will not help you. Suffering can help you develop a greater compassion for others, but if you don't display that compassion, you didn't learn anything by suffering. If you're depressed, fine, be depressed if you want to. But don't sit in your room and do nothing. At least pick up around your room, dust the shelves, organize stuff, make a healthy meal for yourself. This is one of the biggest changes you can make, to do positive things even when you're depressed.
It's good to have interests. It allows you the chance to meet others who you have something easy to talk about with. It breaks the ice. And yes, there is ice everywhere that must be broken. Most people have ice to break when interacting with others. Some are just more practiced at it.
Forgive the past. No use will come of punishing yourself for what you perceive was a mistake or failure. I remember when I was more depressed than I am, that I sometimes thought I deserved what I had because I was such a failure. These kinds of thoughts should be avoided. If you notice yourself thinking negatively or internally criticizing something, make it your goal to stop that thought from finishing its sentence, and then forgive it. If you have a page of negative thoughts running, don't write a story in your mind, cut it at the page, or as soon as you can.
Here's a scene from Hikaru no Go (a very powerful anime about Go and the development of identity and self-confidence) which I sometimes refer to when I'm forgetting to do these things. (Ep. 67)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/tyf1VdR.png)
Do what will make you improve. You know there are ways you can improve. Pick one and go for it. Start with my suggestion of trying to be productive despite the pain. I know how hard that is from experience.
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Look man, people will only like you if you have something to offer them. People want to be around those who are fun (doing activities you enjoy), genuine, and caring.
Like right now, your story has absolutely nothing to offer others, and is based around self-pity. I don't care at all about your self-pity, why? because I am selfish, just like the rest of the world. Unless someone else is going through the same thing as you and you are both supporting each other, self-pity is generally a terrible idea. Out of the obligation of being "nice", we are forced to say "it's ok", or "you are still nice guy", or "you are still smart", and these are all things you hate because you know we don't actually give a shit.
So just ask yourself : how can you be of value to others? And if you can't, how can you become someone who can provide value to others?
The ironic thing here is, you should focus on providing value to yourself first, by pursuing something you like and being the best at it.
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Look at all these responses your post is garnering! I doubt there are tons of people in the EXACT same place as you but I can say I was a social outcast in high school. I was "smart" and a "nice guy" which meant zero to me.
One of my biggest problems is that I was in my own way. I wouldn't let me mood improve or gain any confidence because I kept myself down. I would focus on the negative and boil in a sadistic stew of emotion.
I can't offer you any advice to connect with other people but I would ask you to realize that people aren't so different from you. The same red blood pumps in all of our veins. If you keep putting in effort towards connecting with other people you will make it happen. You'll fail again and again (hopefully while laughing maniacally) and then eventually learn how to relate to others. You might find there are a lot of people out there you DON'T want to connect to. The most important thing is to keep trying. Everyone has a place on this ball of mud. You just have to find yours 
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On March 18 2014 02:23 biology]major wrote:
Look man, people will only like you if you have something to offer them. People want to be around those who are fun (doing activities you enjoy), genuine, and caring.
Like right now, your story has absolutely nothing to offer others, and is based around self-pity. I don't care at all about your self-pity, why? because I am selfish, just like the rest of the world. Unless someone else is going through the same thing as you and you are both supporting each other, self-pity is generally a terrible idea. Out of the obligation of being "nice", we are forced to say "it's ok", or "you are still nice guy", or "you are still smart", and these are all things you hate because you know we don't actually give a shit.
So just ask yourself : how can you be of value to others? And if you can't, how can you become someone who can provide value to others?
The ironic thing here is, you should focus on providing value to yourself first, by pursuing something you like and being the best at it.
I agree. You need to be a little selfish to improve yourself. OP, any other thoughts that might be holding you back? e.g. "improving myself instead of helping others is selfish" etc.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/cHeRI3Y.jpg)
