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I've recently started a small job as a tutor for two teenagers that are suffering from a nerve disorder. The intended set-up is that I help structure their education: remind them of homework, help plan for tests and other things, although in practice I'm effectively a private tutor that helps with math homework and such.
There are two kids, one is a nineteen year old boy and the other a sixteen year old girl. I call them kids because they honestly look younger, they're evidently behind on both physical and emotional development. They're both in lower school grades than is typical for their age as well. (they're in special schools for handicapped children)
They have an assortment of conditions, from asperger syndrome to dyslexia to developmental coordination disorder. What is most obvious is that they are extremely oversensitive to stimuli and frequently are too tired to absorb any information.
And their mother has similar symptoms.
So, for some reason I managed to get this job, but honestly it's awful! I'm clearly not suited for this and the only reason I haven't given up yet is that I've only barely started (visited 10 times or so) and I want to give it a few more months.
The first problem is that the girl didn't enjoy working with me, so after a few tries I stopped getting asked to help her. The eventual reason that her mother gave me was that she had trouble understanding me and that I didn't manage to present my ideas and suggestions in a properly simple manner. Which might be true, but I did try a lot to improve on this over the few times I worked with her, but I guess I felt I wasn't given the chance to demonstrate that. And she also was "afraid of boys" or something and I also thought she was a bit scared of me, which personally I don't understand (I'm nice  ), but apparently that played into why she would never give me any feedback on whether she actually understood any of my explanations and it ended up not being very fruitful.
Their mother is also the most chaotic person ever. Literally every time I get there there's something: either she's surprised that I'm there because she forgot about the appointment (this gets on my nerves nowadays, it happens a majority of the times if you can believe that). She's also always tired, she mentioned that she was especially tired literally every time I visited there(how? she doesn't work), and therefore unable to help me actually do my intended job of creating a structured environment for her kids. I'd do so myself, but I wasn't too sure about making agreements with them behind her back, so I wanted her cooperation, but she can't do anything. I was there today and as usual they hadn't eaten yet, hadn't prepared for my visit.
And for the boy, who is my main project, so to say, it's just really difficult to work with someone who is sooo on and off at times, where nothing you say can get through because he's too tired. He also works more slowly. I feel kind of bad for getting paid fairly well for just sitting there while he does math homework at about one equation per five minutes. And again, he's unstructured and unreliable. I send him emails that he doesn't respond to, we agree he's going to do X which he won't do and I don't really have the will or the authority to scold him for it, they know I am scheduled at some date and yet his room is a mess, he has to search for the right school book for five minutes while I just sit there uncomfortably.
I don't cope very well with chaotic environments like theirs, and it's very stressful for me. One of the reasons I did take this job is that I'm oversensitive myself as well (can't be in crowded rooms, can't work in large groups) and it's quite problematic for me, so I thought that maybe I could relate to them and have useful things to tell them, but what's the point? Every time I get there they're all so spaced out anyways that nothing I say seems to get through. I know it's not their fault and they can't help having these issues, and in the larger scheme of things my problems being a private tutor really pale compared to their problems trying to live their life, but it's still a bit tiresome and takes a lot of energy.
 
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Well I applaud you for making effort. Maybe you're not the solution, and if you are maybe you're not teaching them the right things. Could help him clean his room?
It doesn't sound like you understand them. At this point, they've probably had professionals who are trying to say, "oh do this equation, oh you're not using space properly in your room! this is so bad!" but maybe they just need to sit back and see that maybe the answer for them is not to learn the curriculum that average people learn.
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It's very hard to help someone who doesn't want/appreciate help.
Godspeed Grumbels
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You're a cool dude, Grumbels.
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Do you have a supervisor or coordinator? It sounds like you're a little over your head and someone other than you needs to take a look at the situation.
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Some people are not equipped to conform to societal standards, it's waste of time to try and get them to act "normal". If you feel there's no merit to hammering out math in the current setup, I'd try and share some organisational knowledge. Their reason for being tired is probably the same as yours.
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On February 27 2014 06:16 Japhybaby wrote:
Well I applaud you for making effort. Maybe you're not the solution, and if you are maybe you're not teaching them the right things. Could help him clean his room?
It doesn't sound like you understand them. At this point, they've probably had professionals who are trying to say, "oh do this equation, oh you're not using space properly in your room! this is so bad!" but maybe they just need to sit back and see that maybe the answer for them is not to learn the curriculum that average people learn.
I agree that learning to clean his room, and maybe fix easy meals if mother doesn't, is probably way more helpful and useful to him than trying to learn math. Maybe something like learning to take care of a plant too... poor kid needs something to feel proud about.
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On February 27 2014 11:21 Mothra wrote:Show nested quote +On February 27 2014 06:16 Japhybaby wrote:
Well I applaud you for making effort. Maybe you're not the solution, and if you are maybe you're not teaching them the right things. Could help him clean his room?
It doesn't sound like you understand them. At this point, they've probably had professionals who are trying to say, "oh do this equation, oh you're not using space properly in your room! this is so bad!" but maybe they just need to sit back and see that maybe the answer for them is not to learn the curriculum that average people learn. I agree that learning to clean his room, and maybe fix easy meals if mother doesn't, is probably way more helpful and useful to him than trying to learn math. Maybe something like learning to take care of a plant too... poor kid needs something to feel proud about.
You hit the nail on the head with the last part. The key is to feel proud and happy. If the kid has something tangible to look forward to, everything will start going better. If things aren't going well, bypass the mom grumbels. If she fires you, so be it, you having this job is about making a difference in the kids, though I understand the money is important also. Find a simple project for the kid that he can get emotionally tied to, a plant is perfect. Get one that is not hard to kill but not too easy either. Let him take care of it, and every time you come by and the plant is thriving, give the kid some kind of treat (a star or a redeemable point of sorts). Make him care about it, he will begin to associate you with the new found emotional attachment and things may just go better.
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On February 27 2014 08:09 Jerubaal wrote:
Do you have a supervisor or coordinator? It sounds like you're a little over your head and someone other than you needs to take a look at the situation.
Yeah, not sure if I'm suited for this. I am still unsure about the best approach.
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You sound like a really nice and intelligible guy, but something really needs to change if the expected progress isn't there. Maybe it's that you really aren't suited for that kind of an environment and someone else would be more capable in your place as you said. It really sucks for all parties involved, but it's not really anyone's fault.
Like Jerubaal said, if there's someone you can go to for further instruction that might be the best idea. Maybe there's some meds they can take that allow them to better focus or help with the loss of energy?
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yeah I agree with above replies. Math seems too hard for them.
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So some additional information: they do operate on a normal intelligence level. The boy is planning to go to university in the future and he's currently at the highest difficulty level for high school. I don't know if math is too difficult for him, but it's certainly more difficult than it should be due to his slower pace (I'm trying to highly encourage him to better structure his answers to exercises so that he doesn't get too bogged down in doing equations).
Nevertheless, I'm not so sure about his future at university, although obviously it's not for me to decide. I can't make decisions for him, I can just advise. One thing I had to do was to write an overview of possibilities for him to become more aware of his options at university, for now this meant a list of "open days" and trial-courses he could do. I'm very worried about this being demotivating for him, however, and I feel badly for saying this, but I think he needs to be confronted with the reality of university, even if it's a negative experience, because it would force him to grow up and decide on having more ownership of his life. He lets people make all his decisions for him, and I don't think university will end up a good experience for him unless he somehow learns to actively works towards creating the best environment possible for him.
I have to be very careful about not imposing my own ideas too much though. As a group the three of them are basically just like me, except 10x worse, so I thought that in a sense it could be thematic to work for them and try to help them with their problems, but I'm a bit cautious about possibly imposing my own views on them. (i.e. "don't start university if you lack agency and let your mother plan everything for you" -- which is one of the reasons my early university experience was a failure).
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Have you received any training to tutor/educate/work with people who have mental disabilities?
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On February 28 2014 01:27 Dknight wrote:
Have you received any training to tutor/educate/work with people who have mental disabilities?
Nope, but I do have earlier experience with it.
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Sorry to hear but doesn't surprise me. When I was at uni, I did something similar minus the mental illness of the kids. Basically same thing happened, the kids did not cooperate want to learn and eventually it failed. However I had many success stories of helping kids get into good universities and stuff.
Unfortunately if they don't want to be helped you can't help them.
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On March 13 2014 14:13 Dracover wrote:
Sorry to hear but doesn't surprise me. When I was at uni, I did something similar minus the mental illness of the kids. Basically same thing happened, the kids did not cooperate want to learn and eventually it failed. However I had many success stories of helping kids get into good universities and stuff.
Unfortunately if they don't want to be helped you can't help them.
I wasn't very happy with their attitude. For instance, I was supposed to discuss directly with him when our next meeting would be, but as is typical he ignored my emails and messages and in the end I had to contact his mother to see about our next meeting. (we didn't have any meetings for two weeks as he was on vacation) But then when I was on the phone with her she asked him directly about it, and he said he decided he didn't want to have any more meetings.
Like, at least have the decency to respond to my emails. And why can't he tell me in person about his decision to not see me anymore instead of me having to hear about it like this. And why do I have to hear that there is an apparent problem with my tutoring skills at this point in time? Why didn't he give me any feedback about it before? (and all I heard before was that everything was going fine) And how am I supposed to properly function as tutor for someone that doesn't prepare for our meetings at all.
I really think he didn't want to be helped and having a private tutor was mainly an idea by his mother.
It was similar with his sister. She used to smile and be friendly towards me, but then suddenly cut off the meetings with her mother telling me that I was using too complicated vocabulary and such, and then afterwards she used to sort of hide in the corner of the room not looking at me anymore whenever I came to visit for tuition for her brother.
It's annoying for me, since although I felt that I had some problems with my approach, I did do a lot of research and I tried to improve. I didn't like that family too much as a group, so in a sense I don't mind not having to deal with them anymore, but I also prefer doing a good job for something I'm paid for, and I honestly did think that in the long term I could have a positive influence on his life. And I guess I felt like I wasn't given the chance. (I only met with him about five times anyway)
But of course it's his life, his money.
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EPT
