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About 6 months ago I volunteered with a NFP (not for profit organisation) who organise mentoring relationships with young people living in full time registered housing. Typically these young people come from abusive families or have their primary care giver (s) imprisoned. I am not sure of the exact number of kids in this situation but it is in the thousands.
The young man (let's call him James) I was matched with is a keen gamer and is addicted to minecraft. He is about 15 years old but psychologically I would put him at much younger. He is smart and has a dry sense of humour. I have struggled to connect with him outside of gaming, while also pursuing the objectives of the volunteer program. The main objective is to get the mentee involved in some sort of community activity, something outside of "the system" where they can form organic friendships. This "system" for a young person from an abusive family usually involves little to no schooling (James gets less than a day of schooling per week with a tutor), drugs and alcohol abuse during developmental phases, crime, and usually involvement with the police and then ultimately prison and the associated recidivism.
In order to connect with James it was easy for me to buy minecraft, and kerbal space program, and learn the basics so that when he sat me down in his filthy room to show me his latest achievements I knew what he was talking about. We even played multiplayer a few times and had a skype call going. The fine line I found myself walking in the first few months of getting to know James was trying not to condone his addiction to his computer while also needing to build rapport and trust, making sure he saw me as a friend instead of a worker, someone from outside.
Getting a commitment to do something fun that wasn't playing computer games was harder than I had imagined, and I now know a little bit better the frustration that many of my friends have expressed when I would rather play one more game than spend time with them. Today marked a milestone as I finally discovered a mutual interest outside of gaming which was the
ocean. James is quick to claim expertise in all things and so I lay the challenge out to him that I could duck dive longer. Here's hoping that as a non smoker I can win that challenge  . From a swim I hope to go snorkelling with James, an activity which I personally find quite healing and surreal, especially in deeper waters, where suddenly one's mortality is so keenly felt and the awe of nature can take over. Scuba diving is also on the cards but not until he is an adult as it is too high risk.
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Some musings
Unlimited access to computer and internet has done dreadful things to James' social development and stymied the natural desire to learn. I think it is an escape for him and the digital fantasy world he experiences for most of his waking hours crosses over into our conversations where he makes outlandish claims of expertise in any discipline we talk about and specific bizarre claims like knowing Notch personally (minecraft creator) and inventing gaming platforms for Google. When gently pressed for more details he becomes vague and trails off. I am doing some research into conversational techniques to allow James to express whatever he is expressing through these lies in a more authentic way.
The paid workers who stay in the registered unit with James and three other young people seem to have very limited say in the way that he lives his life. They complain about his poor hygiene, sugar addiction, and gaming addiction but can't or won't help him form more constructive habits.
I see a lot of similaririties in James and I. Honesty challenges, gaming addiction, frustration with the systems we find ourselves in. In time I hope I can pass on some of what I've learnt and already spending time with him has made me think more deeply about my own upbringing.
 
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Sounds like you're doing a good job man, being a mentor isn't easy,
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Mentoring. No better way to help somebody with role model problems. No harder, more time-consuming way either.
I'd just like to thank you for being a great person. It's so easy to donate your words and your money to a cause, but the one thing that is hardest to donate is your time.
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Johto4991 Posts
On February 11 2014 22:47 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
Mentoring. No better way to help somebody with role model problems. No harder, more time-consuming way either.
I'd just like to thank you for being a great person. It's so easy to donate your words and your money to a cause, but the one thing that is hardest to donate is your time.
As a broke student like me, it's sometimes much easier to donate time than donate money, since i need every single Cent to pay for my place to live, whilst always having some free time on my hands.
But for someone working in a full time job, you're probably right, then money could be the "easier choice". And of course, when you're someone who doesn't like to come out of himself and spend time with strangers, it can be very hard, to do such a commitement.
I personally never did something like in OP, but i always enjoyed spending time in my Clubs, like the chess club i'm in, where i help in the team that organises our two yearly chess tournaments and my sports club, where i give practice sessions for first- and secondgraders. It can be really rewarding to do so, if one sees, that it matters to someone.
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i suggest learning and taking him to gym, it is quite an intense and invigorating experience that a gamer can respect (since everything is boring compared to gaming)
also getting him into computer activities that are professional skills is good. minecraft players can enjoy computer programming or modelling, animation
i guess these things arent social but they give you a drive for living other than gaming
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how about trying to connect to him through the game? Maybe like play the game with him, see what his behiavor is like IN the game. Then after developing a form of trust do something like say, hey I need a break lets go get some food (excuse to get him into an environment around people and off of the computer). If he trusts you, he won't say no.
It sounds like you already are trying to connect with him through the game so it looks like you are going in the right direction. This is going to take a really long time though, this kid needs a stable person in his life and it is most likely going to have to be you if you want him to stop playing minecraft so much
edit: also take note of what the accomplishments he strives towards and is excited by the most is in minecraft. Noticing what he likes in the game can also be an indicator of what he might like outside of the game
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Good for you, it's nice reading stories of people doing stuff like this. Sounds like a tough challenge to get him off the computer... maybe try some games that can be played in real life? Like he might enjoy going to a chess or Magic cards tournament.
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Thank you for doing this. I had a few great teacher/mentors for various things in my life that helped me tremendously. I wish i had some mentors later, in high school and college, it would have helped a lot.
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You probably already know this, but obviously the minecraft addiction is not the cause of his problems and the ultimate goal shouldn't be to drive him away from it. Trying to give him other interests is a good thing though, but I'd try to put more emphasis on solving his underlying problems (which you briefly describe) than being forceful about his minecraft 'addiction'. It's just his means of escaping his fears and eventual trauma, alike the blatant lying. Perhaps you could try to widen his perspectives intellectually by making him interested in philosophy, psychology or morals and ethics. It's cool that you're using his lying nature to spur him on however, I don't think I would have done that.
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I am not sure what James' past is like but he sounds similar to me at age 15. I am a lot better now, but I feel like at that time of my life what caused me to become a video-game hermit was social anxiety and social insecurity. I was afraid of males who were "more popular" than me, I was afraid of losing the friends that I had (which caused inaction/playing it safe, so I did lose them), I was afraid of authority figures, and I was so nervous around girls that I actively avoided them.
Swimming sounds awesome. Maybe you should see how James interacts with his peers, as well. I wish I had been confident in myself at his age... I never was a chronic liar, but to me that only indicates that James is perhaps so insecure that he doesn't even want to tell the truth about himself, lest he be put down. It's great that you are trying to get him to form organic friendships though, hopefully he is successful.
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One thing that I found when I first got instant messenger programs like ICQ, AOL, and MSN Messenger was that I was a much wittier and bolder person online than I was in real conversations. Over the years I had a couple epiphanies about my type of humor, and combined with the confidence I managed to display as a jr high and high school trumpet soloist, I have become much closer to my original "online self" than I was when I first started chatting to classmates (and girls) online. I daresay I have even crossed that line in terms of potential. The wit is there when I look for it. The confidence goes up and down just like everyone else.
My point is, perhaps there is a similar situation here with James. Is he a different person in his online dealings than in his personal and "real" life? Try to identify qualities he has online as he interacts with others, and then maybe encourage those qualities in your own conversations with him. If the online him is the him "under the shell," so to speak, then show him where the shell is so he can break it.
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An addiction to minecraft while severely damaging probably isn't as bad as drugs. My little brother plays minecraft. I won't defend gaming addiction as I have it too.
What you're doing is great. I wish I could get into this too.
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I think I'm more like "James" than I am like OP. I'm still not very good at being the "every man's man," you know. I will say that there's a difference between getting someone "pumped' on fake confidence and actually helping someone find his or her appropriate social grace's. The fake confidence one is where you just ask the questions that are easy for him to answer and laugh at the jokes when he needs you to laugh. That's what a person who lacks confidence doesn't get, a chance to fail and still not feel like a fuck up. The more realistic one would be to find a way to make him see that he is not the mastermind he thinks he is.
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Sports, man. sports saved my life from computer addiction. there must be some sport he has an interest in ... !
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get him to really learn to code, he will thank you in the future when he lands a job
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EPT
