EPTI'm normally in physical discomfort when thinking about stuff like this, but my adrenal gland decided to do something different for the time being and my hands aren't shaking like they normally would be.
So this is about a crush I had way back, a crush I still kinda have, but she wasn't ever really like a real girl. One of those pussy-on-the-pedestal idealization things.
she was older, and i only knew her through the internet. she liked cool music, music that made me feel more nuanced emotions and thoughts than the stupid middle-school-angst shit, or so i felt. in retrospect, high-school me still had emotionally deaf and socially retarded moments pretty frequently, but at least i could feel "infinite" listening to cool indie music (broken social scene and cut copy and stuff), like that perks of being a wallflower scene with hermione not knowing who david bowie is. anyway, she was really artistic (even made cool music herself!) and always emanated a cheerful, innocent vibe. but i also found out that she liked smoking weed, and that made me want to try it out myself (earlier in middle school, i had resolved that acid would be my one and only illegal substance. since then, i've had to revise "my one and only
to "one of my only"). she was unknowingly my role model, insofar as i had modeled her. but i didn't really understand her relationship with weed; how could i?
i hadn't smoked weed yet, and everyone has their own first high. what it's like depends how you take it (bong rips killed me my first few times) and what you do with the people who get you high. most important though is your head at the time and how ready it is for a bunch of dank chemicals. my first time (with a bunch of high school friends), i got silly as fuck and laughed at nothing until i was sore on the way to watch The Hangover. the projector's 48 shutter flicks a second imparted an interesting strobe effect to my wiggling fingers, which I stared at for the duration of the movie. weed made colors intense, food delicious, and sounds awe-inspiring. all-in-all, a pretty stereotypical good firsttime to gateway me into being a stoner for awhile.
and then i get on irc stoned and stupid as fuck, and embarrass the shit out of myself in front of my crush. spamming HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at the dumbest shit repeatedly, and worse, talking about the fact that i was high (god i was fucking dumb) while she lamented that this is not what being high should be like. like damn that stung, when you suddenly realize you've been acting like a complete idiot in front of someone you respect. i felt her disappointment compounded with the sense that she was way above my level, artistically, emotionally, and intellectually, and i just felt this despair that everything i loved about her would be out of my grasp forever.
we never really talked one-on-one much, just happened to be on the same irc channel, and posted on the same forum. made me sad and cringey for awhile, but i got over it and just decided to admire from afar and let this particular love go unrequited. my relationship with weed grew deeper too. often, it still makes me want to just waste time in stupid ways, but it's nice when it decides to make me want to create or resynthesize thoughts instead. i can remember more and more interesting high-thoughts when sober, and sometimes they even seem kind of compelling! but maybe i'm just becoming perma-high. i dunno. i know my relationship with weed and music and art ended up still pretty different from hers though, it's hard to emulate idiosyncratic creativity. and i shouldn't want to anyway, which is another thing i've decided since. but in a way, she was my muse and i'll love her forever <3
anyway intrigue ilu im sorry im so awkward sometimes, ill try to be less creepy though i know this isn't a very good start
