EPT“Dude, this is an intervention!” one of them yelled at me.
“Happy surprise intervention!” I yelled at Jeff.
Jeff sank to his knees and started bawling his eyes out. My friend Steve walked over to him and asked him why he was crying. Through his sobbing, Jeff managed to tell Steve that I told him about the surprise intervention party earlier and ruined it for him. What a snitch! Steve started consoling him.
“Jeff, we’re here because you’re heading down a dangerous path. We don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Idk what you mean.” Jeff replied.
“It’s the acronyms, Jeff. Its the internet memes. You’re using way too many of them.” Jeff’s face turned red.
“Do you even lift?” was his reply. The poor bastard. In a fit of rage he grabbed the nearest table and flipped it over, causing many of the plates and dishes on top to smash on the floor.
“I’m flippin tables!” He roared. Everyone backed off in fear and cowered in the corner as Jeff destroyed his own living room. He grabbed a priceless bonsai tree I gave him and threw it on the ground, breaking all of its branches.
“Oh shit!” I yelled. “His power level, IT’S OVER 9000!!!”
Jeff took a chair to the windows. “All your base are belong to me! Roflroflroflrofl!!!one”
Steve got up from the crowd and ran toward Jeff in a desperate attempt to tackle him. Unfortunately for him, Jeff actually did lift, mainly so he could ask others if they even lifted. He grabbed Steve in a chokehold and slammed him on the ground.
“You mad bro?” he asked in a deliberately irritating tone to a now powerless Steve. Our last chance of leaving this godforsaken apartment within the next hour or so was just rendered incapacitated by Jeff. I knew I had to step up. Steve had no impact, except for when he hit the ground, but I knew I still had a chance. I got up from the bunch of scared sissies still trembling in the corner and walked up to Jeff.
“So Jeff,” I started. “I hear you like...BATTLETOADS!” I grabbed my lucky Battletoads cartridge out of my pocket and dangled it outside the closest window.
“Nooooo!!!” Jeff pleaded. “Not the Battletoads! I’ll do anything!”
“Goodbye, old friend. You’ve served me well.” I dropped the cartridge out the window, never to be seen again. Jeff clenched his chest and stumbled. I knew I had to act quick.
“You know, Jeff, I used to be an adventurer like you...”
“OH GOD NOOOO!!!”
“BUT THEN I TOOK AN ARROW IN THE KNEE!” Jeff collapsed. He knew he had been defeated. The others in the corner watched as I heroically dismantled Jeff in the stupidest way anyone’s ever seen. My instinct to teabag him kicked in but I luckily managed to stop myself in front of everyone else.
“Jeff,” I began. He managed to tilt his head up at me using the last of his energy he had left.
“You just lost...THE GAME.”
