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Apologies in advance, this term really ended up being a lot more work than I had anticipated so I wasn’t able to blog like I would have liked to. However, I did finish pretty well for my freshmen ear but a shitty grade in physics prevented me from being on the deans list. Oh well, just happy to be on summer break. My plans are pretty simple, I’m going to learn linear algebra through the MIT open courseware, begin to learn how to draw, work on my writing, and begin making games through unity. The only one, which I haven’t started, yet is the unity game development mainly because it is the hardest one to do. But I fee like with time I’ll be able to get through a lot and hopefully figure it all out before the start of the term because I would like to have created my first game by then. My main reason for this is because I’m at a school, which does coop, and I want something to separate myself from the rest of the would-be game designers at my school. Linear algebra I have started and while difficult is interesting and I’m making some solid progress so far. The lectures from Gilbert Strang are extremely interesting and I think are extremely well crafted, especially when compared to my own professors. My plans for drawing are to follow a book, which I got from amazon. Relatively simple stuff because I’m awful at drawing but it is something, which I would like to get better at.
For the writing portion of this list I am going to begin something that I first heard about from day[9]. When he was talking about this he was referring to StarCraft 2 practice when you just focus on one element of gameplay. But then while watching his “Why We Like It” series and getting to listen to Tristan talk about his writing I thought it did make sense to apply it to other areas. So I figured the summer would be a really good place to just start working on this stuff. So for today I decided to work on writing that centered around a battle. If you have any questions comments or criticism please let me know!
Battle writing attempt 1:
Liam quietly stalked through the jungle in dead silence. Around him the bugs were silent as if they knew something that he didn’t which worried him. He looked around for a predator only to see the bushes unmoving and the birds flying away. He found the tree nearest to him and began to climb it. It was natural for him finding one foothold while moving against the rough bark. Butterflies swirled around him in the midst of the climb only to fly away when he turned to look at them. At the climax of the climb he began to look around to see something strange moving through the forest. Something large and in unison was traveling through the forest to his left side. On his right there was utter silence but their was not something right. It was tense; the birds actively avoided the area and quickly flew high. It was exactly what they would do if they sensed him, though; fly high to avoid his arrows.
“I guess the animals may know me to well” Liam muttered to himself once again looking to his left to see what was moving through. What ever had been there had moved faster than he had anticipated and now was directly underneath him. The leaves where in his view so he quickly jumped down a few branches, while making sure to remain silent. Looking down he now saw an army quietly stalking through the forest. They all had a green coat on with a mocking bird etched on to left peck, with brown pants. Some wore the pants long and others had them rolled up to avoid the heat which was palpable that day.
Looking past the army he now saw another army hiding in the trees about to fire. They were where camouflage that focused around looking like the bark with a few leave throughout, had it no been for their rifles they would have been unrecognizable. Liam realized that this entire army was about to be shot down if he did not take any action. He took his bow that had been wrapped around his shoulder and quickly drew an arrow from his quicker. Looked for the nearest rifle and shot at the barrel hoping to get it stuck in the rifle. It barely missed but still hit the rifle and immediately war cries went off from both sides with the camouflaged army firing and the green jumping into cover in any place possible. Bullets flew from both sides of the forest while Liam remained silent above wondering if he had done the right thing. Before he was able to come to a conclusion he looked down to see the general from the green army staring at him silently while bullets whizzed by him. He pulled at a pistol and took aim; Liam began climbing the tree yet again knowing that their was a vine that he could use to cross to another tree. He grabbed the vine and began to cross when he felt a shot go just knick his head leaving a small cut. He landed onto a branch of the next tree and looking back saw the general grinning and turned back to the fight.
Liam pulled at his bow looking to see if he could get some kind of revenge on the general but felt a rumbling in the forest. A giant boom came from the camouflaged army side and with it came a cannon ball that exploded into the green army. Liam recognized that he had to stop the cannons from destroying the forest. He may kill the animals in it but only what he needed to survive. Quickly he jumped from tree to tree in search of the cannons using the sound to guide him. Soon he had found three cannons and had no idea how to take them out. If he tried to go down and fight the ten guards he would lose since he had no ability with a sword> he could use a bow well enough but the knife and dagger were still foreign to him besides when skinning an animal. Quickly he damned himself for not learning how to use a knife earlier on in life. He didn’t want to kill them but he knew he would if he had to. He looked at the cannons and saw that they were actually all supported by one large wood frame rather than one like most cannons. He looked around to find any weaknesses of the cannons and found that they were using a contraption to both load and fire the cannons. It worked by having a ramp which would take the three cannon balls and then properly place them in to the cannons. After that the cannons would be raised or lowered according the person in charge and then a button lever would be used to initiate the spark. It allowed for the cannons to be fired more than most teams would be able to and made it so only one person had to know how to operate the machine. Looking for weaknesses he saw that the machine depended completely upon a pulley system. He looked for the most exposed rope and pulled out his bow once again. This time taking his time, he pulled back slowly with his fingertips and pulled the string back to his ear. Took a deep breath to make sure that his breathing would affect the shot and released. The arrows soared through the air and broke the rope and with it the three cannons could no longer function with the aid of the machine.
The guard in charge looked above to see a blur moving through the trees and back down to see the entire pulley system broken. Silently he cursed and ran to the general. Liam looked back to see the guard and running and wanting to avoid the cannons being repaired took out another arrow from his quiver and shot at the mains legs hoping to would him. Instead the rushed shot the guards torso in a lethal blow. Horrified Liam looked away and promised to himself he would never miss a shot like that again. He retreated further into the forest and away from the ongoing battle in silent horror.
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Work on your editing. Right away I can tell you I don't need to know...
Liam quietly stalked through the jungle in dead silence. Around him the bugs were silent as if they knew something that he didn’t which worried him. He looked around for a predator only to see the bushes unmoving and the birds flying away. He found the tree nearest to him and began to climb it. It was natural for him finding one foothold while moving against the rough bark. Butterflies swirled around him in the midst of the climb only to fly away when he turned to look at them. At the climax of the climb he began to looked around to see something strange moving through the forest. Something large and in unison was traveling through the forest to his left side. On his right there was utter silence but their was not something right. It was tense; the birds actively avoided the area and quickly flew high. It was exactly what they would do if they sensed him, though; fly high to avoid his arrows.
I don't need to know why the soldiers rolled up their pants, or why Liam took a deep breath before a shot.
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On June 22 2013 19:06 Alabasern wrote:
Work on your editing. Right away I can tell you I don't need to know...
Liam quietly stalked through the jungle in dead silence. Around him the bugs were silent as if they knew something that he didn’t which worried him. He looked around for a predator only to see the bushes unmoving and the birds flying away. He found the tree nearest to him and began to climb it. It was natural for him finding one foothold while moving against the rough bark. Butterflies swirled around him in the midst of the climb only to fly away when he turned to look at them. At the climax of the climb he began to looked around to see something strange moving through the forest. Something large and in unison was traveling through the forest to his left side. On his right there was utter silence but their was not something right. It was tense; the birds actively avoided the area and quickly flew high. It was exactly what they would do if they sensed him, though; fly high to avoid his arrows.
I don't need to know why the soldiers rolled up their pants, or why Liam took a deep breath before a shot.
Thanks for the edits. Are you saying you don't need to know because you don't want to know these details once your in a battle scenario and those details are better elsewhere?
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I know that I always try to make every word and sentence serve a purpose while writing, and avoid visiting the Department of Redundancy Department as much as possible. You've kinda done both here. A lot of the information I'm given feels superfluous and you also constantly talk about silence (silent six times, silence twice) and quiet. Is it really that important to ram that home to the reader?
Also a linebreak between paragraphs is your friend during the editing/revising stage.
Ex:
He looked around to find any weaknesses of the cannons and found that they were using a contraption to both load and fire the cannons. It worked by having a ramp which would take the three cannon balls and then properly place them in to the cannons. After that the cannons would be raised or lowered according the person in charge and then a button lever would be used to initiate the spark. It (insert brief summary of how it works here) and allowed for the cannons to be fired more than most teams would be able to and made it so only one person had to know how to operate the machine. Looking for weaknesses he saw that the machine depended completely upon a pulley system.
Read it aloud with and without the strikethroughs. Which feels more organic?
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On June 23 2013 02:46 TheTenthDoc wrote:I know that I always try to make every word and sentence serve a purpose while writing, and avoid visiting the Department of Redundancy Department as much as possible. You've kinda done both here. A lot of the information I'm given feels superfluous and you also constantly talk about silence (silent six times, silence twice) and quiet. Is it really that important to ram that home to the reader? Also a linebreak between paragraphs is your friend during the editing/revising stage. Ex: Show nested quote +He looked around to find any weaknesses of the cannons and found that they were using a contraption to both load and fire the cannons. It worked by having a ramp which would take the three cannon balls and then properly place them in to the cannons. After that the cannons would be raised or lowered according the person in charge and then a button lever would be used to initiate the spark. It (insert brief summary of how it works here) and allowed for the cannons to be fired more than most teams would be able to and made it so only one person had to know how to operate the machine. Looking for weaknesses he saw that the machine depended completely upon a pulley system. Read it aloud with and without the strikethroughs. Which feels more organic?
Ya your definitely right it is a lot more organic that way. Also didn't notice the intense redundancy that you have pointed out with regards to the silence etc. Thanks for the feedback!
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I want to know what's occurring but it's always better to "show not tell." Describe the environment or conditions of the soldiers skin sweating rather than describing "it was a hot day." But remember this is easier said than done.
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On June 23 2013 08:29 Alabasern wrote:
I want to know what's occurring but it's always better to "show not tell." Describe the environment or conditions of the soldiers skin sweating rather than describing "it was a hot day." But remember this is easier said than done.
re this, i think about things like this a lot, when people say "show dont tell" etc. but i feel like generally the way we perceive the world is not really like,
"i can see the skin of the person that i am looking at glisten with a thin layer of sweat, it is hot outside"
and it is more along the lines of
"it is hot outside."
there is nothing wrong, i feel, with describing something for what it is, ie a hot day, because generally that is how people will think about it being a hot day.
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thanks for the feedback, both of you are definitely right that i don't show enough in this and i tell instead of tell. thanks for the feedback!
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EPT
