Edit: I'm 22 years old, Electrical engineering student (if that is even relevant) Also, please do leave any kind of feedback upon rating the post. I'll try my best to improve any future posts Before it actually starts: I have a blogger but thought that its about time I would let other people read my posts.. back then my posts would mainly be for reflective purposes but I think I might need words of encouragement...or even harsh words that need to be said. This is actually the most recent post but the context should be there for you to understand.
Anyway..here we go.
I NEED TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND SNAP OUT OF THIS SELF-IMPLOSION.
Here I thought it would be over when I had told her already how I felt and that I was still okay with remaining as friends with her if she was okay. I'm fucking good at lying to myself aren't I?
I've been too occupied (more than I generally am) with a girl whom has been aforementioned in my previous posts (not on TL..yet). Not because I still like her, but because I think to myself if her words are forever.. or 'for now'.
I need to stop wondering about that and get a firm grip on myself that its never going to happen. I'll admit it. Even though that she has told me that she can't reciprocate the feelings I told her I had. I still constantly think about her.
I think to myself.. "How are you going to feel the day she finds herself a boyfriend? Surely you won't be happy.. but can you tell yourself that you'll be okay when the girl who you thought was the light at the end of your dark tunnel, the butterflies in your stomach, the silver lining to your grey clouds, the caffeine in your coffee, the person who I felt could've been my other half.
I knew where I messed up. I knew what it was that had placed me in every guy's nightmare. The 'friend zone'.
She became the lesson I wish I had learned much earlier. The one who got away? No. She's one who made me realise that I need to stop being in my comfort zone and just being the 'friendly cute guy'. I honestly wish I wasn't THAT guy when I first met her. Its too little too late to realise these things when you're already too late. She doesn't feel the same about me. She doesn't even know WHY I like her. But would those reasons change her mind if I told her? I highly doubt it.
To you, readers. I will highlight these reasons for one day I will reflect upon this and think to myself if I was just smitten.. or these feelings are true.
I love that she is an ambitious person with hopes and goals. Every time I listen to her speak of her goals or what she is on the way to achieving. She makes me strive to become the best I can be to achieve what I really want in my life. I love that we share the same sense of humor. It is very cheesy, lame jokes that make me laugh. Not because of the joke itself, but the novelty of the attempt of it being funny. We both love using song lyrics in sentences whenever it fits in context.
There's just all these little nuances that I like about her.
But in all honesty. This little implosion I'm having has to come to an end. It's done. I wish the chase wasn't over but part of me wishes the chase would still come to a positive result. In this case definitely would not end well.
Thanks for reading. My situation sounds childish and pathetic but I assure you that it weighs more on me than people think.
Well you either stop spending time with her (or at least reduce it to a minimum) and start looking around for other girls to distract you (there are "better" girls than her out there trust me) or you keep spending time with her, suck it up and still look around for other girls (probably more difficult).
I had the same issue with a girl in high school when I was 16. We were friends for almost our entire life but I started liking her in high school when we spent more time together (some common classes). Obviously back then I was your typical awkward high school kid and I had no idea what to do so after a few months, I told her that I liked her and that's when she told me "I like you as a friend blablablabla" and I was like "Okay". The next 2-3 years were hard because since we were still friends I had to endure the sight of her with all her high school boyfriends and whatnot. After high school we went to different universities so we couldn't spend a lot of time together and that's when I realised that there are many other great girls out there, you just have to look for them.
It's not easy, but you have to do something. Good luck!
Don't talk so bad about yourself. You're awesome man! When I was in a similar situation I would take all the energy (mostly negative but who cares it's energy and energy can help you destroy limits that would otherwise hold you back forever) and try to make the best of it.
I'm sure my situation won't help you too much because how we handle the situation is so dependant on our personalities but if you want to read it, look into the spoiler. + Show Spoiler +
In my situation that meant: I was overweight and liked sports - I would triple my distances cycling because at some point the pain was so strong that I wasn't able to think anymore. After three weeks of basically ignoring everybody and especially her I lost 15kg, gained alot of self-respect and made a much better (and attractive) impression to the lady. Yesterday she thought you're going on her nerves but she might just wake up tomorrow and think: "damn that guy... I want him" Now it might not help with her but your life is not about her even if it feels like that in the moment.
It's all about you. Don't change for her because you feel like you need to be the bad boy instead of a friend. Be comfortable with your style, your passions, your life. The girls will come and maybe a few months down the road you'll have every choice while she looks back to this very day thinking "why didn't i take him when I had the chance?"
"When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you"
There is something good about it aswell. Love is not only a pain, it's a gift. You're robbing yourself if you try to fall out of love. Sometimes it hurts, but sometimes she smiles and life is amazing. Enjoy that moment.
I have some advice for you. You must open your heart to her. I' m assuming you want this whole situation to change, you are here friend and would like to be something more. She apperently only wants to be your friend. This is friendzone 101 my friend. If you keep things just as they are, you will keep being stuck in this loop like a bad techno song. And you don' t want to listen to the same song so...
Prepare a sheet of paper where you should write the following: how you meet. what tickled your pickle. How you got in this situation with here. What makes you desperate to have her. What you would like to do with her. What would your plans for the future would be. How you imagine yourself happy with her. How you would try and overcome any problems between you two. After you have done this, re-read the paper and correct it and make notes. After you have done that, take the piece (or pieces) of paper, and Burn them. Yes you read correctly, burn them.
Now take another piece of paper. write down the following points:
- how we met. - How you feel towards her. - How she feels towards you. - Why it will never work. - Why you can' t stay friends. - Why you feel sorry but you have to move on with life. - Why you hope that she will be happy even without your friendship.
Now elaborate all these points on a nice long essay. Make a copy, and hand her one of the copies. If instead you wish to say all these things to her, take at least the piece of paper with the points, so you can remember how to procede incase you get stuck. GL
On June 04 2013 20:49 Greyhawk wrote: Thanks for your words of advice, Linwelin. Very much appreciated!
I usually don't like girls so easily.. but..I just keep thinking that i have this mindset of:
"When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you"
must rid myself of that.. :/
You're absolutely right and I know exactly what you mean and as I said in my first post, it is not easy and you most likely won't completely forget her (you don't have to). However, if you meet some girl who seem interesting (or hot), give her a chance. Talk with her, get to know her better. After a while, you will meet some girl who will replace your "friend".
When you meet that other girl though, don't do the same mistakes you did with your "friend" and ask her out and stuff instead of just being her nice guy friend (which is an entirely different subject).
Oh and just fyi, my "high school love" and I are very close friends now and being able to be friends with her without any romantic feelings is pretty great. Even though I wouldn't mind dating her, I never think about it and have had other girlfriends etc. It took me like 5 years to reach this point though, it's not easy.
I have some advice for you. You must open your heart to her. I' m assuming you want this whole situation to change, you are here friend and would like to be something more. She apperently only wants to be your friend. This is friendzone 101 my friend. If you keep things just as they are, you will keep being stuck in this loop like a bad techno song. And you don' t want to listen to the same song so...
Prepare a sheet of paper where you should write the following: how you meet. what tickled your pickle. How you got in this situation with here. What makes you desperate to have her. What you would like to do with her. What would your plans for the future would be. How you imagine yourself happy with her. How you would try and overcome any problems between you two. After you have done this, re-read the paper and correct it and make notes. After you have done that, take the piece (or pieces) of paper, and Burn them. Yes you read correctly, burn them.
Now take another piece of paper. write down the following points:
- how we met. - How you feel towards her. - How she feels towards you. - Why it will never work. - Why you can' t stay friends. - Why you feel sorry but you have to move on with life. - Why you hope that she will be happy even without your friendship.
Now elaborate all these points on a nice long essay. Make a copy, and hand her one of the copies. If instead you wish to say all these things to her, take at least the piece of paper with the points, so you can remember how to procede incase you get stuck. GL
I've actually already told her how I felt and everything. This was the aftermath of it all. How I told her I was just fine with staying friends with her despite how she couldn't reciprocate. I valued the friendship so much that I was so hesitant to tell her in the first place. At this point in time though. We're still really good friends and we still keep in touch. I just always wonder the 'what ifs'.
that happened to me too. Long time friend who i fell for and in turn realized i was the "cute friend dude" which is actually such a lame position to have.
I've j ust been loving the people who are still in my life more and replacing her with that. I like the line about how you are "looking for things to make her the perfect and only one for you." That's true in my experience. Once the emotions are gone then those thoughts change a lot.
Really like pebble444's advice. I'm goign to try that but probably not the burning part.. hey but maybe... GOod luck GreyHawk
it's silly to wish you weren't 'that guy'. unless you're some horrible shit smelling nerd bridge troll who twitches at the thought of eye contact, you're probably totally fine and can get girls. since someone was inspired enough to name you after myself, i can reasonably assume you are not a total fuck up.
maybe you putzed around for months while thinking of your horribly lame way of explaining your feelings instead of saying hey, let's grab dinner and drinks together and blew your shot. there's also a good chance that you never had one in the first place because you're not her type (since the friendzone is a lot more easy on the ego than 'you never had a shot', that's why you hear that explanation all the time. people often make a hot or not call as soon as you meet them)
whatever the reason, she said no, so stfu and move on with your life (to be more blunt, that means ignore romcom inspired advice like what pebbles is saying, since in reality it is insanely desperate and creepy)
the point is, instead of tripping out over this, instead of taking it as a message that you have to drastically alter your lifestyle, persona, start PUA (dont ever fucking do this for christ's sake), don't really worry about it. the only thing that you should take from this is that when you like someone, don't fucking wait to do something about it. and when you muster the gumption to do something, don't say, 'hey i like' you--ask them to get a drink, coffee, dinner, etc. dont trip out over someone not liking you. just count it as their loss and worry about finding someone who nicely compliments who you are instead of altering yourself to someone else's expectations. it's your life. it's supposed to be about you.
also, while you need to not be around her for a bit until you get over this, i wouldnt totally cut her out. shes' still probably a cool enough person you'd wanna be friends with, no? i was in a similiar spot in hs, and then we grew apart for a year or two over college. eventually we reconnected and she's now genuinely my best female friend. Eventually I realized that while she is pretty, nice and funny, she's also totally insane as far as relationships are concerned and we would 100% never get along in a relationship for many reasons. your brain has an amazing way of concealing cold hard facts like that when you're infatuated with someone. she's still a great friend though
On June 04 2013 23:03 QuanticHawk wrote: it's silly to wish you weren't 'that guy'. unless you're some horrible shit smelling nerd bridge troll who twitches at the thought of eye contact, you're probably totally fine and can get girls. since someone was inspired enough to name you after myself, i can reasonably assume you are not a total fuck up.
maybe you putzed around for months while thinking of your horribly lame way of explaining your feelings instead of saying hey, let's grab dinner and drinks together and blew your shot. there's also a good chance that you never had one in the first place because you're not her type (since the friendzone is a lot more easy on the ego than 'you never had a shot', that's why you hear that explanation all the time. people often make a hot or not call as soon as you meet them)
whatever the reason, she said no, so stfu and move on with your life (to be more blunt, that means ignore romcom inspired advice like what pebbles is saying, since in reality it is insanely desperate and creepy)
the point is, instead of tripping out over this, instead of taking it as a message that you have to drastically alter your lifestyle, persona, start PUA (dont ever fucking do this for christ's sake), don't really worry about it. the only thing that you should take from this is that when you like someone, don't fucking wait to do something about it. and when you muster the gumption to do something, don't say, 'hey i like' you--ask them to get a drink, coffee, dinner, etc. dont trip out over someone not liking you. just count it as their loss and worry about finding someone who nicely compliments who you are instead of altering yourself to someone else's expectations. it's your life. it's supposed to be about you.
also, while you need to not be around her for a bit until you get over this, i wouldnt totally cut her out. shes' still probably a cool enough person you'd wanna be friends with, no? i was in a similiar spot in hs, and then we grew apart for a year or two over college. eventually we reconnected and she's now genuinely my best female friend. Eventually I realized that while she is pretty, nice and funny, she's also totally insane as far as relationships are concerned and we would 100% never get along in a relationship for many reasons. your brain has an amazing way of concealing cold hard facts like that when you're infatuated with someone. she's still a great friend though
Quoting this to reinforce it, because this guy wrote up everything that needs to be said about this. From a guy who's fucked up a few times, these are things I learned the hard way.
And thank god you said to not take up PUA. Christ all fucking mighty
Lol you have some messed up feelings at the moment right Blog was all over the place.
Has she actually told you "we will never be together" or "i dont like you in that way" because if not, you need to tell her these things brah. Man up, grow some balls and just say "i REALLLLLLLLLLLLY like you, do you wanna go get something to eat/coffee/cinema" and make some moves.
However if this has already been done, then you have to face facts, can you stand being with her knowing that she will never love you like you love her...it isn't healthy to do so if you think you "can", you might end up snapping and doing something rash. Or do you stick around for a while longer and try make some more moves and show her what she is missing etc.
friend zone is easy to get out of one way or another, just bump up the romantic signal:friend noise ratio as much as possible.
girls aren't very good at reading signals, you really gotta make the full width half max real small, no broad peaks.
Also you gotta make your signal have a short rise time, girls get hella confused if you have a pulse after a time delay. They also are paralyzable "friend" detector systems; you give even a single drop of being a friend and they fucking restart that long ass dead time to turn into a "not friend" signal again.
On June 05 2013 09:27 N.geNuity wrote: friend zone is easy to get out of one way or another, just bump up the romantic signal:friend noise ratio as much as possible.
girls aren't very good at reading signals, you really gotta make the full width half max real small, no broad peaks.
Also you gotta make your signal have a short rise time, girls get hella confused if you have a pulse after a time delay. They also are paralyzable "friend" detector systems; you give even a single drop of being a friend and they fucking restart that long ass dead time to turn into a "not friend" signal again.
Well played with the sinusoidal analogies, it made me chuckle a little bit haha!
Lol you have some messed up feelings at the moment right Blog was all over the place.
Has she actually told you "we will never be together" or "i dont like you in that way" because if not, you need to tell her these things brah. Man up, grow some balls and just say "i REALLLLLLLLLLLLY like you, do you wanna go get something to eat/coffee/cinema" and make some moves.
However if this has already been done, then you have to face facts, can you stand being with her knowing that she will never love you like you love her...it isn't healthy to do so if you think you "can", you might end up snapping and doing something rash. Or do you stick around for a while longer and try make some more moves and show her what she is missing etc.
I've told her how that i really like her however she couldn't reciprocate but was hoping that I would still be friends with her. I valued the friendship too much so I told her that it was definitely okay. But I'm still thinking about her etc. hence the nature of my post.
Thanks for your post though. Means a lot that there are people in the same position as I am that are there with words of support!
On June 04 2013 21:01 pebble444 wrote: I have some advice for you. You must open your heart to her. I' m assuming you want this whole situation to change, you are here friend and would like to be something more. She apperently only wants to be your friend. This is friendzone 101 my friend. If you keep things just as they are, you will keep being stuck in this loop like a bad techno song. And you don' t want to listen to the same song so...
Prepare a sheet of paper where you should write the following: how you meet. what tickled your pickle. How you got in this situation with here. What makes you desperate to have her. What you would like to do with her. What would your plans for the future would be. How you imagine yourself happy with her. How you would try and overcome any problems between you two. After you have done this, re-read the paper and correct it and make notes. After you have done that, take the piece (or pieces) of paper, and Burn them. Yes you read correctly, burn them.
Now take another piece of paper. write down the following points:
- how we met. - How you feel towards her. - How she feels towards you. - Why it will never work. - Why you can' t stay friends. - Why you feel sorry but you have to move on with life. - Why you hope that she will be happy even without your friendship.
Now elaborate all these points on a nice long essay. Make a copy, and hand her one of the copies. If instead you wish to say all these things to her, take at least the piece of paper with the points, so you can remember how to procede incase you get stuck. GL
This. In addition to hitting the gym, and try to move on and ask someone out / hit on some other girls. I'm not saying be a manipulative douche bag and use that to get back at her, im saying move on and show that you can have a vibrant social life just by putting yourself out there. Show her that she's really missing out on a great guy. And if she doesn't respond, then at least you've got a healthy social life and confident in your physical body, and your already on the path to rebuilding yourself from a rejection.
QuanticHawk's advice is even better, but some people dont bounce back that fast, and need to create that distant before they can switch off the gushy gushy lenses. Thats why I think putting the friendship on break is necessary.
this, of course, is just armchair advice from the internet. :p
I have some advice for you. You must open your heart to her. I' m assuming you want this whole situation to change, you are here friend and would like to be something more. She apperently only wants to be your friend. This is friendzone 101 my friend. If you keep things just as they are, you will keep being stuck in this loop like a bad techno song. And you don' t want to listen to the same song so...
Prepare a sheet of paper where you should write the following: how you meet. what tickled your pickle. How you got in this situation with here. What makes you desperate to have her. What you would like to do with her. What would your plans for the future would be. How you imagine yourself happy with her. How you would try and overcome any problems between you two. After you have done this, re-read the paper and correct it and make notes. After you have done that, take the piece (or pieces) of paper, and Burn them. Yes you read correctly, burn them.
Now take another piece of paper. write down the following points:
- how we met. - How you feel towards her. - How she feels towards you. - Why it will never work. - Why you can' t stay friends. - Why you feel sorry but you have to move on with life. - Why you hope that she will be happy even without your friendship.
Now elaborate all these points on a nice long essay. Make a copy, and hand her one of the copies. If instead you wish to say all these things to her, take at least the piece of paper with the points, so you can remember how to procede incase you get stuck. GL
This. In addition to hitting the gym, and try to move on and ask someone out / hit on some other girls. I'm not saying be a manipulative douche bag and use that to get back at her, im saying move on and show that you can have a vibrant social life just by putting yourself out there. Show her that she's really missing out on a great guy. And if she doesn't respond, then at least you've got a healthy social life and confident in your physical body, and your already on the path to rebuilding yourself from a rejection.
QuanticHawk's advice is even better, but some people dont bounce back that fast, and need to create that distant before they can switch off the gushy gushy lenses. Thats why I think putting the friendship on break is necessary.
this, of course, is just armchair advice from the internet. :p
I already do go to the gym and she's well aware that i have a vibrant and active social life..but I guess I actually am missing 'something'...not that it should matter anymore, I should be moving on!
EPT
