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Im sure many of you had had this feeling at one point or another in your life...
Let me explain.
A year ago i was really aspiring to become really good at starcraft 2.
I started beating pros now and then in playhem, i joined team mouse control (their b-team)...but then i started my studies (game artist during the day, and a few evenings in the week i was studying for paramedic) and slowly i got less time to put into sc2.
The weird thing is that sc2 was my life for a very long time...playing all day with only one goal..to become the best.
But when my studies started i had less time available..and after a long day of school (if i didnt have to go to evening classes) i really didnt look that much forward to stressful master league level 1v1's.
I kept saying to myself..once i finish my evening classes i will have more free time...then i will put it all into starcraft 2!
Now i passed my exams for paramedic a month ago (oddly enough i didnt even feel happy about it..even though half my class failed the exam)...and i still cant find that willpower to tackle on the ladder and become the best starcraft player ever (not that i ever would..not with this attitude..but for a long time this was my one and only dream).
It feels so shitty. Im top of the class currently in school (Game Artist) ...i can more then likely find a job in the game industry when i graduate, this whole course is a walk in the park for me..i score the highest points while the rest of the class is working their ass off, only to deliver mediocrity (yea that probably sounds arrogant..but just saying as it is).
Yet it feels like there is something missing in my life. Recently i even tried to become good at poker..reading books from gus hansen and david sklansky..doing pretty good at MTT's even though im a total fish at the game.
Yet i feel depressed when i play a poker tournament, listening to the same soundtrack on youtube i would play when playing starcraft 2 in the past....when i get remembered of those days when only one thing really mattered, becoming better.
Right now i got so much things going on in my life that i cannot focus anymore on the things i really want..but at the same time i have come to a point that doing so and giving up on everything else would be the same as running downhill and forget about the hardships it took me to climb that hill.
ps: I really make myself look like a idiot whining about things everyone goes through..but anyway..for me it helps to write these things down from time to time, and advice is always welcome. Maybe i should just drop all the none-sense in my life and just go for one thing only and try to excel at that.
tl;dr alot of whining and ranting about the complexity of life.
 
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Canada13378 Posts
Life, its always kinda hard isn't it?
I dont know what advice I Can really give but seeing a counsellor can really help you with the issues you face. For me its been anxiety lately , really bad anxiety 
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Well, it is ultimately you who knows what makes you happier, perhaps not even you know it that well. School/work as a priority and SC2 in your spare time would generally be the safest choice for your future but it could also leave you regretting not having put enough time into SC to fulfill one of your bigger dreams. I would give you the same advice I heard many pros give in interviews: if you see you are becoming really good without concentrating solely on gaming, then you can consider pursuing it as a career. I don't know what they study or what their grades are, but there are some very known players who put up good results even while studying (Vortix, Lucifron, Suppy, Nerchio etc.)
One more thing, what kind of game artist is that class for? 3d/2d? I don't want to scare you but what you are saying (breezing through class and expecting to get a job quite easily in the industry) sounds quite different from what I've heard from people who made it there. Building a portfolio (which is something you should think of only after at least one year of experience gained from very hard work done on your own) is all what matters, it's pretty much one of the few (intellectual) jobs where degrees are not needed and self-education that can be proven is likely to be rewarded. Unless there's not much competition for the position you are aiming to land or there is a small studio getting started, the standards are usually quite high, but not nearly impossible.
I'm in a quite similar situation to you, I've done some meaningless 3d modelling courses that only scratched the surface of what that means and the degree you get at the end is worthless. Self taught people with good portfolios will easily land jobs over those who only got familiarized with the concepts in some courses. This whole thing is a matter of practice, you may end up knowing in theory how to model, unwrap and texture certain objects or what a normal map is but until you've gained hours and hours of experience, your work will still look subpar compared to what is expected from a portfolio and you won't know why. That's what I'm doing almost full time now, improving my skills and building a portfolio but I'm always regretting not going competitive with games when I had the time. After 8+ hours of learning/working on stuff daily, there's nothing more frustrating than losing at something I used to be much better at. And I can't risk my future for a childhood dream (I'm in the last year of university now). I don't know if my post has any relevance or if it ended up being a rant about myself but the moral is: I feel you, bro 
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On April 30 2013 08:23 ne0lith wrote:One more thing, what kind of game artist is that class for? 3d/2d? I don't want to scare you but what you are saying (breezing through class and expecting to get a job quite easily in the industry) sounds quite different from what I've heard from people who made it there. Building a portfolio (which is something you should think of only after at least one year of experience gained from very hard work done on your own) is all what matters, it's pretty much one of the few (intelectual) jobs where degrees are not needed and self-education that can be proven is likely to be rewarded. I'm in a quite similar situation to you, I've done some meaningless 3d modelling courses that only scratched the surface of what that means and the degree you get at the end is worthless. Self taught people with good portfolios will easily land jobs over those who only got familiarized with the concepts in some courses. This whole thing is a matter of practice, you may end up knowing in theory how to model and texture certain objects or what a normal map is but until you've gained hours and hours of experience, your work will still look subpar compared to what is expected from a portfolio and you won't know why. That's what I'm doing almost full time now, improving my skills and building a portfolio but I'm always regretting not going competitive with games when I had the time. After 8+ hours of learning/working on stuff daily, there's nothing more frustrating than losing at something I used to be much better at. And I can't risk my future for a childhood dream (I'm in the last year of university now). I don't know if my post has any relevance or if it ended up being a rant about myself but the moral is: I feel you, bro
We get modelling, level design and game design mainly (and the basics of animation, script/storyboard etc..). But you got a point. I might be certain that graduating wont be a problem..but getting into the industry will require alot of dedication and hours from my side, but i know what dedication is from playing starcraft 2. Its just that i sometimes feel thorn because i dont know what i want in my life.
I got my degree for paramedic, should i find a job there? but what if i cant handle the daily stress, and do i want to do a job like that for the rest of my life?...
Maybe i should go back to sc2 and try, as you say it, to fulfill my childhood dream, but what if i just dont have what it takes...
Maybe i should dedicate myself to fencing, because i enjoy that sport almost as much, if not more then starcraft! but than i would need to train alot more and get better results...
Maybe...this...maybe that.
Choosing one thing means sacrificing other things. Same with becoming a Game Artist, i would need to put my spare time into tutorials and self-education, besides the stuff we learn at school. Everything just seems overwhelming at times, i want to find a job in the game industry, but at the same time i got friends expecting me to do volunteer work with the red cross almost every weekend, i got a job this summer vacation to work as a paramedic, i need to do fencing training atleast twice a week (or i will never improve, and i want to improve!), i need to go to school every day, and when i come back from school i got this game project to think about that i need to put time in and attend weekly meetings (because im god damn project leader)...and i need to work on my graduation project for school. All this leaves no time to do anything else. While i sometimes wish i could switch off all this; and just do one thing again. STARCRAFT. because somehow, now more then ever i just feel nostalgic to those times, when massing 20-30 games every day was the only thing i had to worry about.
I guess its just anxiety. Thanks for your post btw! Games are awesome, making them is the best. 
edit: Have been sick and sitting at home the past 4 days..might be that im simply contemplating too much on things because im not doing stuff all the time as i usually am. God i hate being sick.
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Putting something aside for a year, with a dedicated date set to add it back in and let something else (you should decide before hand) go might be what you need.
you've got plenty of time, don't let all the good things overwhelm you. focus, master, retain and start focusing on something else. much more relaxed and easier to see improvement/change that way.
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Better that you have a lot of things going for you and going on in your life such that you don't have the time nor enthusiasm to play SC2 than having an empty, boring, pathetic life such that SC2 is your only savior and hope.
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Don't try for your childhood dream. You have to be a bit of an adult here. You were a pro, you were mouz b-team. It's better for you to have a lot going on and find happiness that way than you find it in sc2. Being on the B-team is really no way to live when you can be a successful game artist. Ultimately I can't choose for you, but all the professions you have chosen are a combination of 2 out of 3: stressful, don't pay well, or not in demand. If you love them, more power to you, but from what I'm looking at, you have an obvious choice here. You need to learn to be a top notch paramedic and artist before sc. Give yourself 2 years, 1 year at both. If you hate them both so much you can't go on, go back to sc2, and in two years see where the scene is. I can't tell you how poor of a choice becoming a pro-gamer is; if you have to ask, don't be one is the best way to describe the situation that I've seen on TL.
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On a smaller and less intellectually substantial scale, I'm facing a similar problem.
In my case it's the knowledge that if I really applied myself to something, then I am confident that I could become excellent. The problem is, that would require me dropping so many facets of my life that I've worked hard to achieve. In situations like this, I've been told things such as "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." While I hold that saying with more regard than most, the world is always far more complicated than such a one dimensional ideal.
Here is the only (hopefully) tangible advice I can give you. If you are the type of person that I'm assuming you are, from a couple paragraphs, then consider the following. What is the main reason why you play/want to play SC2? In other words, what do you get from it? Maybe the feeling of victory is something that you cherish and actively seek out. Maybe the blood and sweat you put into your passion is all worth it when you know that you are playing at a high level. Whatever the reason, you need to make a decision.
Are you prepared to potentially hinder everything else in your life, because of whatever you get from playing SC2 at the highest level?
Will you enjoy SC2 knowing that you'll never be one of the best, and you are just happy being "good"? I'm not here to judge, but you don't strike me as this type.
If you answered no to both of these questions, then my advice is to quit playing SC2 altogether. If you are the type of person I think you are, then you will never be happy playing SC2 without actively striving to become better. And if you are not prepared to become the best for whatever reason, then don't torture yourself in pretending that you are playing strictly for enjoyment of the game. Whatever your choices and reasoning, just try to make sure that it's congruent with the reality of the situation, not what you deep down know isn't possible.
And well, if I was wrong about you, then gl hf anyway!
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Yea thanks for the advice.
@artisan I should probably just do that
@Birdkiller I guess this is true. Still...starcraft 2 is awesome! and its still way better then playing a mmorpg all day! I can honestly say that playing starcraft has really learned me real-life applications, it learned me strategic and deductive thinking for one, and also tenacity.
@docvoc Yea not mouz, but mouse control (the team with players like sushi, poyo, darkomnicron). But thanks for the advice, i should indeed just do that, its just a shame knowing that im already 23 and that age does matter in sc2. I guess this is also the reason why i checked up on poker, because that is something where age is less important :D.
@rad301 And yes indeed. There is nothing better then getting a rush out of winning, see all your hard work pay off, rising in rank, slowly reaching the top of a mountain. I once finnished a season top 2000 of europe and top8 in my master league division, but the skillgap between players there is insane. And i think there are not many players who can bridge this gap by just playing 5 games each evening... so yea, i can try, but i know i will not be able to become good enough to really compete at the higher levels, maybe i can mess up some brackets but it would never be more then that. Thanks for the post, it was really insightful. I will put starcraft on a hold for a little longer. Focus on other things first.
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Oh the joy of falling in love with something that doesn't give you $$$/career.
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I usually feel empty-ish if I'm not focused on a game, hobby, or goal as well, just need to find something to OCD over again and you'll be fine!
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EPT
