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The Cat Who Went To Heaven

Blogs > KurtistheTurtle
Post a Reply
KurtistheTurtle
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States1966 Posts
April 25 2013 04:10 GMT
#1
I read a book sharing the name of this blog entry when I was in 3rd grade, and it made me cry like a baby. I haven't thought about it for a long time, pretty much until yesterday. I came home from work and something was up with my cat - dilated pupils, lethargic, strange meow, and unable to walk or balance correctly. My mom keeps a lot of plants around the house and my cat has this habit of eating them (she likes bleach too) so I hoped she'd just ingested too much of some newer plants that got moved inside due to weather and made her sick like she does sometimes.

But in my heart I knew it: she was dying. As soon as I got home I rushed upstairs straight to her, I don't know if she could see me but she could hear - I said her name like I always do and she meowed. I started petting her head and she purred like a motor boat.

Eleven years. This cat has been with me for just over eleven years. She sleeps with me most nights and I spend large portions of the day with her on my lap or chilling nearby. I decided that no matter what, she wouldn't die alone. I'd be there for her to ease her as much as possible no matter how much it hurt.

My family kept up in the vain hope she'd poisoned herself and she'd be better in the morning, setting up her litter box/water/food bowl/warming blanket all in close proximity. I think all the light bothered her so she crawled into my brothers room under her dark bed. We set her up in there, encouraged by her activity, and everybody else went to sleep. 11:00.

Say what you will, there is a heaviness that settles on the human heart in the presence of death. I couldn't sleep, so I called up my girlfriend and distracted myself at some point. 12:00, 1:00, 2:00. Then at 2:30, I heard her meow - but it wasn't a regular meow, the meow was weak, scared, and pierced my heart with one thing: I'm alone. I'm scared. I'd heard both before, but never in the same wail. I put the phone down, went into my brothers room, and carried her into my room up onto the bed she slept in so often. I made sure she was comfortable in the heating blanket, slowly talked to her to sooth her, and gently stroked her. I softly murmured her name so she knew I was there.

She started breathing choppily and heavily, occasionally falling out of consciousness and awakening with that meow. More than once I was ripped from sleep, any breath could be her last. I kept murmering her name, but silent tears wet my pillow.

This continued until closer til 4 or 430 am, when suddenly she awoke and reached her paw up to set it on my face. In one of her rare lucid moments, she looked straight at me. I said her name, held her, and she hoisted herself up into my arms. The effort caused her to pass out but from this point, whenever she woke up, she didn't meow.

Her breathing slowed and became deeper, and I was given hope. She was fighting with everything she had. Slowly, I drifted off until my mom woke and came to check on her around 5am. When she heard us talking, she meowed weekly as if to say "hi! I know you're there!" I drifted off on the fragile wings of ignorance. At 5:30 I jerked awake - her breathing had become harsh and I knew something was up. I ran off to get my mom, and we both came up to her.

Slowly, her breathing became more and more shallow until 6am rolled around and my dad came in. The entire time I kept repeating her name, and slowly I descended into tears. My mom was in a similar place. We were with her. At around 6:10, her regular breathing stopped. My dad, a doctor, felt her pulse. Every now and then she'd gasp in another breath. At 6:15, she completely stopped breathing. Her heart kept pounding for nearly two minutes after, and I couldn't help but shout her name and shake her while tears rolled down my face.

What happened next was her eyes glazed over and she started contorting in agony, her body moving in unnatural ways. Her mouth opened wide as if to scream, and then she fell onto the bed, still. I just sat there and cried silently while trying to keep it together in front of my parents.

After that, I couldn't sleep. I've lived a gentle life, and this is the first time I've seen somebody so close to me die in an agonizing, traumatic way. Despite missing an entire night of sleep and a scant 6 hours the night before, I couldn't sleep. I thought the whole "flashback to an awful moment thing" was just in movies, but every time I closed my eyes to sleep I relived the night until her final agonizing moments. I saw her, I saw it happen all over again until...she just remained there on the bed. The only thing between me and the truth of reality was mindlessly going about tasks and watching netflix until work. I barely kept it together, came home, pushed myself through another one of these workouts in the final week of insanity.

Now I'm here. I would journal, but I need feedback. No I don't, I just need to tell the whole story and confront it. I've talked with my mom, my girlfriend, some closer coworkers, but this is for me.

The part that hurts the most is how hard she fought to keep living, how hard she tried until the very end - she wouldn't accept death. It just came and ripped her away from me. I take solace in the fact that she genuinely loved her life in my house so much she didn't want to leave.

I can't ever know, but I hope she was aware enough to know that I was there with her the entire time. The worst part was the powerlessness, there was nothing I could do to ease her pain or help her. Despair, I was truly despairing

Even now, I can't sleep or close my eyes. I'm going to watch a movie until exhaustion, then wake up again early tomorrow and work another double. I'm sorry for such a depressing blog. Writing this, I hope, will help, but all that remains is sadness beating at me like waves from the ocean. I've bared my soul, and I still bear horror at the nature of my cat's death.

Even though she was an annoying as hell sometimes, I truly loved that damn cat. I have no regrets about her life day in and day out over the past 11 years, but the nature of her death has affected me in a deeper way I haven't resolved. Even now, I'll glance at imaginary movement out of the corner of my eye hoping to see her there. I've never truly given a shit about religion before if it didn't have immediately practical and beneficial effects for me or somebody else, I don't care what you believe, I want you to feel joy and be happy now and after. That's me before, I'm the same now.

I love you, Rexi, I miss you. I'm so sad you're gone so suddenly. I hope you're still there, somewhere, happy. I hope you're the cat who went to heaven.

*****
“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
Plexa
Profile Blog Joined October 2005
Aotearoa39261 Posts
April 25 2013 04:25 GMT
#2
RIP.

Really moving blog, thanks for sharing this with us.
Administrator~ Spirit will set you free ~
MaestroSC
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
United States2073 Posts
April 25 2013 04:51 GMT
#3
saddest blog ever =...(

I need a hug now and it isnt even my cat.... for some reason I am much more moved/emotional when it concerns animal deaths than i am with human deaths... i think it has to do something with my belief that animals are inherently good and people are inherently bad...

especially the older i get... i become even less affected by human death, but if i + Show Spoiler +
watch marley n me... i bawl like such a bitch every damn time the dog dies even while repeating the mantra to myself "ITS A MOVIE ITS A MOVIE ITS A MOVIE" its like watching ur best friend/own dog freaking die... bah


anyways this blog was the most ...touching (?) blog i have ever read on TL...and its about a cat. thanks.
KazeHydra
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
Japan2788 Posts
April 25 2013 05:06 GMT
#4
my cats are getting old...and I haven't spent much time with them these past few years due to being away for school. I'd be really sad if they died while I was away
"Because I know this promise that won’t disappear will turn even a cause of tears into strength. You taught me that if I can believe, there is nothing that cannot come true." - Nana Mizuki (Yakusoku) 17:36 ils kaze got me into nana 17:36 ils by his blog
DarkPlasmaBall
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States44243 Posts
April 25 2013 05:23 GMT
#5
At least you were with her until the end ♥ Pets are so good at loving us and we take them for granted for far too long.

On April 25 2013 13:51 MaestroSC wrote:
saddest blog ever =...(

I need a hug now and it isnt even my cat.... for some reason I am much more moved/emotional when it concerns animal deaths than i am with human deaths... i think it has to do something with my belief that animals are inherently good and people are inherently bad...

especially the older i get... i become even less affected by human death, but if i + Show Spoiler +
watch marley n me... i bawl like such a bitch every damn time the dog dies even while repeating the mantra to myself "ITS A MOVIE ITS A MOVIE ITS A MOVIE" its like watching ur best friend/own dog freaking die... bah


anyways this blog was the most ...touching (?) blog i have ever read on TL...and its about a cat. thanks.


I watched Marley and Me a week after my yellow lab passed away (I was the one who had to make the call on putting her to sleep too... and she was the dog I had grown up with). That movie turned me into a wreck for quite some time.
"There is nothing more satisfying than looking at a crowd of people and helping them get what I love." ~Day[9] Daily #100
Capped
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United Kingdom7236 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-04-25 11:26:47
April 25 2013 11:25 GMT
#6
Holy shit that made me shed tears. (in a totally, non-manly kid of way)

Ive had cats all my life, ive experienced their death all my life, ive had 3 kittens who have died at young ages (3-4 months) and 3 cats ive had for 7+ years die on me, its heartbreaking, it really is. One that gets me is we had this deformed little kitten, really strange "flattened" body and his ribcage was sorta like a barrel, really small too looked only a few weeks old after 2 months. One day it just gave up and died, like it just started breathing really heavily and not moving, couldnt lift its head, it was horrible. It died 10 minutes before i left for school and i just didnt go, i called a friend got some weed and spent the whole day trying to forget. Ive had to deal with it alot, i dont feel comfortable talking about my older cats deaths, 2 died within a month of eachother, im happy to say another lead a good long life, but its still sore.

If anything, thank you for writing this blog, my current cat (see blog ) is ill right now, im not sure whats wrong but she's limping heavily and cant move around a whole lot, her paw is hurt and her "thigh" too, ive given her a couple of days to see if she gets better, she's more respnsive now, the first day she just slept, not even purring / eating / anything, now she'll eat and purr if i talk to her / stroke her but still cant walk on that leg. ive decided after this blog im taking her to the vet, today. I really dont want to have to see another friend die.

Thank you for sharing

EDIT: Never seen marley and me, but watch Hachi, that film made me cry like a girl
Useless wet fish.
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
April 25 2013 14:40 GMT
#7
As a guy with an old cat who has seen more of the dark side of the world than I have, I've always been afraid of her never coming back, and us finding her dead somewhere away from us. If she dies, I'd like the cat I've known since I was 3 to die near me :,(.
User was warned for too many mimes.
where
Profile Joined February 2011
144 Posts
April 25 2013 15:15 GMT
#8
Man I love cats, this made me really sad. Thanks for shaing with us.
B.I.G.
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
3251 Posts
April 26 2013 03:19 GMT
#9
Yeah dieing always sucks. Sounds like you're cat had a happy life and was able to share her last moments with the ones she loved. Considering that we all gotta go in the end i guess this is one of the better ways to go..
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