EPTThe Choice
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity. - W.B. Yeats
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity. - W.B. Yeats
I have a choice now. I wrote my last blog about college choices, and to be honest, I'm back to square one. I'm between U of Miami, and Rhodes. I'm travelling to heat of Miami, because I need to see the school, I need to see my Father's friend, and I need to see my crazy family. All of those things are pretty normal, aren't they. What happens to some kid in the South isn't much of anything new or different, when I have so much. I have enough.
Honestly I just had a fight with my girlfriend. She was crying on the phone, and if I could cry, I would have. The tears flowed through the phone it seemed, and the only thing I did to make it better was say that being realistic is no fun. To be honest, she's right, dating me when I'm in college will rip up both our hearts. During her hardest highschool years, I'll have stolen away to some school 14 hours away and I'll have taken her heart for the ride. 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, 9 weeks a quarter. There won't be any weekend trips to Miami for her, and there won't be any way of getting her heart back once I'm there for good. I have to choose that though, I have to choose to hurt her. I'm already a thief, but I guess I don't have enough.
Once upon a time Jacob told Esau, when asked how much he had, "I have enough," in response to Esau's statement, "I have much." Right now, I don't feel like Jacob. I feel like my ambition is making my love fall apart. I want so much. I want too much. I want a college of my dreams, I want the love of my life, and the storybook ending, all of this and I'm just a highschool grad. Fuck me. I don't know when I came ot be so entitled, but I'm sure as hell entitled now. I guess I'm spoiled, I wanted love, I got love, I wanted college, I got college, I wanted choices, I got choices, and all of this in a span of two years. I got accepted to college, my heart was accepted by another, but now it seems I can only have one. Having my cake and eating it to? That isn't Jacob, now is it?
I'm going to Miami to visit, and all I want to do is hate it now. I want stasis, and I want the feeling that I can stay with what I have. I feel like an overreacher; I want what I can't have, and I have what I've always wanted. I want so badly to hate it, but I know I'll probably find the place exactly as I found the rest of my life. In great condition, perfect for living in, and probably a great fit for me. I wonder TL, is this normal?
This is a short blog, I'll probably write one on Sunday about my trip and everything that happened. This isn't an emo-rant blog, I'm being real here when I say that this crossroads in my life and I wonder how well I'm going to handle it.
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