EPTIt has a strange effect... I'm sitting in front of my computer, watching a movie and... there's something on the edge of my vision. Every time. It becomes more pronounced with every passing minute, but it's never really possible to make it out of the corner of your eye. Every time I turn to face it, it's gone. I'm left staring at the wall, my gun pointing at nothing. My hands are shaking, but that's probably just the caffeine. You can picture me, sweat trailing down my temples, a half-smoked ciggarette hanging out of the corner of my mouth, and my hand shaking as if I never quite learnt how to aim properly. Imagine being on the other side of the gun. Can't be something you'd want to see in your life time. Well, at least I have my pants on. As if that's a relief.
I must've knocked over my ashtray with my elbow. It's shattered, ash and butts are spilling everywhere, and amidst them lie porcelain pieces, as if they were the tops of a city's buildings in a remote corner of the desert that nobody even remembers any more.
Have you been to the desert? The paling sun makes everything look bleak. Or maybe it doesn't, I've never been to the desert. The sun does tricks, however, it rises and it sets and it rises and it sets and it rises and it sets... when I go out during the day, everything looks bleak. Old gray Soviet-era buildings, cracked roads, aging cars, the people, the trees, everything... It's almost surreal. But then again, I feel like I'm THERE the most when that happens. I don't know why. I don't want to know why. But it's a good feeling. This is where I belong. After all, even my worn shoes look bleak, my jacket looks bleak, everything does. This is where I grew up.
And yet, there's something just outside my field of vision, rippling reality. What is it? I desperately need to know, but I can never quite face it. I can never see it. Maybe if I focus on a spot in front of me long enough, and quickly turn my eyes... No, that doesn't do the trick. What is there? Do I even need to see it? Will curiosity finally kill the cat? I don't know the answers to either of these questions. They're slowly draining me, both mentally and physically. I've lost a lot of weight during the past few weeks somehow, despite eating like a pig. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My eyes hurt. Everything hurts.
Sometimes I try to go to sleep. Put on some jammies, snug up with a blanket in my bed. I just read a book till I doze off. I wake up grasping for air about five minutes later. Fully dressed, sitting at my computer, the gun neatly placed beside the mouse. And the ripples... they're slowly draining from my eyes. Maybe, I can go to sleep like that. Only one way to find out...
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Obviously, none of this is real, please don't call the cops on me.
