EPTHow to be as manly as kollin
A few months ago, as I sat on the top of Mount Everest, having clambered up it's slopes with my hands tied behind my back, I realised there was a big issue on TL. A lack of manliness. Yes, you heard me. Manliness. You see, aside from me, Kiett and Intrigue there are very few manly men on this forum. That's a huge problem, as for many years I considered TL to be a shining bastion of manliness in an otherwise dark and desolate landscape. With the advent of HotS, I fear that has changed as gamers around the world go weak at the knees when they see Kerrigan, and some poor lost souls even have...dolls...of her image. This is clearly not manly behaviour. I ask you, how many bricks have you eaten in the past week. If the answer is less than 21, you clearly are not very manly. Do you drink a mixture of glass, absinthe and extremely strong horse tranquilliser with your bricks? If not, you clearly are not very manly.
Luckily for you poor sissy pants girly woman, I have compiled a handy cut out 'n keep guide for how to become as manly as Kiett, the manliest man in all of TL. If you follow this five step guide then ladies will swoon to your feet, where you can proceed to crush them to a pulp to punish their emotional weakness.
1) The first step of this guide is to consider what you are wearing at this moment. If it is anything other than a sheen of oil thick enough to cover your throbbing manhood, you are a sissy pants girly woman. If you do not have a necklace of fire on, you are a sissy pants girly woman. If you do not have iron spikes rammed into your back in an attempt to emulate a porcupine, you are a sissy pants girly woman. Take heed of what I say and you can start the long path to being a man.
2) How many women have you slept with over the past day? If you are like me, the number will be over 10. If the number is less than 10 you are either a sissy pants girly woman or you have not applied enough oil to your body to make your ripped muscles glisten. Which brings me nicely onto my next point...
3) Do you even lift? If there is one thing that my lifetime of being a manly man has taught me, it is that lifting is the most important aspect of being a manly man. You should be lifting AT LEAST 99% of the time. Having sex? Lift the woman. Sleeping? Lift the bed. In a class? Lift the teacher. This should the your body to the point where you literally cannot fit into clothes, which links into point one rather well as you will now be forced to oil yourself up.
4) I'm sure you get into arguments over the Internet, assuming you are not a complete sissy pants girly woman. Much like an argument in real life where you should be screaming indistinguishable and completely vile swear words into your opponent's face, in an argument on the internet there is no reason to not type in capitals. If you are a TRUE manly man, you will mash your face across the keyboard to add to the effect of your hands being so muscled they cannot type properly. Constantly try and bait the other person into getting angry with comments such as 'r u 4 rela brah?'. The 'brah' part is the most important, as that signifies you are a bro, and probably get laid a ton. Also, constantly refer to how often you do get laid, and how you love to blaze weed at the same time. That shows those fucking losers who is a real manly man.
5) While my final point is slightly connected to the previous one, I like to have nice round numbers (like my manly man balls) and that is why I am giving it a separate paragraph. Whenever you are playing Terran on the ladder (the most manly of the races) make sure to call your opponent a 'fucking trash nerd' if you lose. You can also infer or explicitly state you think he should be out partying like you on this particular Saturday night. Constantly rant (remember the all caps) how he plays this game all day just for ladder points, and probably is a neck beard or something.
Now that I have given you the tools you need to become a manly man, it is time for you to lay down your daisies and your mini yoghurt pots, and embrace what it is to be a true manly man. If you ever feel disheartened, keep an image of myself in all my manly glory seared into your eyeballs. Good luck friends, and may only the manliest of you survive.
