This is my attempt at putting some of my thoughts together right now, between the tri person relationship that is going on, my thoughts on the philosophy of human beings as real people, as opposed to treating them sort of as NPCs, and how feminism has affected me in this way.
So i am in a pretty strange situation right now. I'll try to give some background and keep it reasonably short:
I am currently studying at a campus university in the UK, and am heavily involved with community projects to improve the local area, as well as in local politics, where Carl and I are standing as candidate for the local council in the next election, on May the 2nd.
In order to do this, me and a few friends have slowly built up a reputation and contact list with the university and local community, which gives them more trust that the things that we say we want to do will actually happen and be committed to. This in itself is by far the hardest part i would say, because long term projects at a university, where no-one lives there for more than about 4 years are rare, and very fragile.
I thought about changing the names of the people involved, but i am actually not going to, because i do not mind if they read this. They know i have a lot of respect for them, as i hope will become clear.
These three people are:
Mani (Me) - I am 21, i study politics, i've got a background of parents from spain and france, but i have lived in Britain for most of my life. I am in my third year, taking the second year again, because depression stole a large chunk of my second year away. So i will be at uni here at least 1 more year.
Grace - 21 also, from a background that is as peculiar as mine if not more so, in her third and final year. My, for lack of a better word, "girlfriend", since september. I say it like this, because the fact is she didn't want to call it that, we always knew that our relationship was a strange one, and we accepted that our relationship would be poly-amorous.
The way i use that term, is different from polygamy in that polygamy is the practice of having multiple dedicated partners. Usually married. This suggests that although you can sleep with multiple people, those people are clearly defined. In a poly amorous relationship this is not the case, and although some people might choose to create rules, i prefer just to let the relationship explore its own possibilities, and not constrain anyone. PROVIDED, people actually talk to each other openly.
Carl - One of my best friends here at uni, he came to university as an undergrad quite late, as he is now 31. Until just very recently he had a girlfriend outside of the university, with whom he was having a semi-open relationship. Him and I have had many conversations on the subject of philosophy, politics, gaming, technology, feminism and pretty much everything else under the sun. He has also been sleeping with grace off and on since about april of last year, which i have always known about.
So, recently, life has started to fall apart a little bit. Carl has had a string of misfortune, with his girlfriend, and a family tragedy, all coming at the same time as his dissertation, and the local politics Green Party group work that has been going on.
I'd just like to say how much of a bullshit expression "family tragedy is". It gives almost no information at all, and takes out the actual emotion involved. Someone died. It fucking sucks. No-one can know how other people feel about this situation, as everyone deals with it differently, and every relationship between complex (read 'all') human beings is absolutely unique.
On top of this, it was dissertation season, which for anyone who hasn't been to a british university, is a rather unpleasant time to be friends with a lot of third years, when you are in your second. Essentially, my reaction was to try to support grace and carl and my other friends and housemates as much as i could. Cooking meals, giving massages, proof reading, all the good stuff, and i'd like to think i helped them at least a little bit.
Carl's reaction to the overload was to go into a hole and stay there, which is fair enough, some people need to do this, i have in the past. As such i would just keep inviting him to join us for meals, or social occasions, and even just turned up at his house offering him food once or twice.
In the mean time, i was becoming slowly more and more depressed, because my relationship with grace was deteriorating, as she was too busy and stressed, as i was as well, and she was becoming a little bit jealous of my housemates. This is because i was turning to two of my female housemates for comfort; we would spend a lot of time together, mostly talking and cuddling. I have never had sex with any of my housemates, just in case you are wondering.
I got through this period, in part thanks to my wonderful housemates, but to a large extent thanks to the thought i had at the back of my head, saying:
"don't worry, life will be back to normal soon"
Unfortunately, when it comes to human beings, there is no normal. We are lying to ourselves if we think there is a "base state" of mind, that we diverge from. Instead we just meander around many different plateaus of thought, continuously establishing a new "base state" and working from there.
That is how it is with attraction, with love, and with thought.
As you might have guessed, my relationship with Grace has continued to deteriorate. The fact is she no longer wants me as a partner. Obviously, this is pretty heartbreaking to me.
I'm actually going to stop there for a while. I will try to add more to this blog later, or make a new one, because i want to write about what Grace means to me, and how important our friendship has been, as well as where it might be going, as i do not know, and these blogs might help me understand.
Sorry that this story is unfinished, but it is true, and that is how true stories sometimes go.
Edit:
Let me just add on some thoughts that i actually had planned on writing about from the beginning.
What i am learning from my situation, is that it is really hard to be angry with someone, when you understand that their emotions are difficult for them, and that emotions are really hard to control. I don't blame grace for wanting to be with carl right now, i can understand that, he is a very captivating person, one of the best people i know, who can be a real force for good in the world.
It just sucks for me, that it takes some of my happiness away.
Last night, with grace and I having officially broken up, having admitted to me what i already knew, that she wanted to be with Carl. Carl came over. We had a smoke. We talked about how life was falling apart. I told him that i didn't blame him for the grace situation. That i'd accepted that we are all individual thinking units that have stupid fucked up emotions sometimes that we can't really control.
On March 31 2013 22:30 Surili wrote: because i want to write about what Grace means to me, and how important our friendship has been, as well as where it might be going, as i do not know, and these blogs might help me understand.
I'm sorry for your situation .... but this exactly happens all the time, when people don't want change happen to them. People tell themselves how important the girl/boy is, oh and the friendship!!!! It's soooo precious, the friendshipis so important. In reality, it is always like this:
Bro: Hey man, I love Girl_A, she is important and the friendship. I will never love another woman. She was the one. Me: Bro ... she's neither special, nor did the friendship really mean anything to you, be honest to yourself. You'll see in <insert_number> of months from now on, when you've stopped being in contact with Girl_A. She'll be but a bitter aftertaste of the past and you'll not even give a single fuck about it anymore. You'll be all over Girl_B and think, what the fuck did I do with Girl_A. (Months later) Bro: Hey, I've met this new girl and she's the one, she is important and the friendship........
Interactions between people are complex, you are right, but they are never overly unique or special. The same shit happens all the time, just not to you (hopefully). No girl is the special one, you'll feel for other girls just as much in the future. Maybe just move on and pursue your housemates? They seem to be pretty nice and supportive of you. Why not go for it and see what happens?
Interesting blog, I appreciate how you are open to "polyamorous" relationships. In my opinion that shows a real accepting love. My only problem is why is it ok for her to sleep with this guy and you can't cuddle and get emotional support from other people?
Also, i really like Kuni's post. It's really nice to hear that you always do get over someone..I've thought that one girl was "perfect for me and that she was all that matters with three different girls. Everytime there is someone new, as Kuni says, it feels like she is the one. Makes me wonder why i even bother with it
On March 31 2013 22:30 Surili wrote: because i want to write about what Grace means to me, and how important our friendship has been, as well as where it might be going, as i do not know, and these blogs might help me understand.
I'm sorry for your situation .... but this exactly happens all the time, when people don't want change happen to them. People tell themselves how important the girl/boy is, oh and the friendship!!!! It's soooo precious, the friendshipis so important. In reality, it is always like this:
Bro: Hey man, I love Girl_A, she is important and the friendship. I will never love another woman. She was the one. Me: Bro ... she's neither special, nor did the friendship really mean anything to you, be honest to yourself. You'll see in <insert_number> of months from now on, when you've stopped being in contact with Girl_A. She'll be but a bitter aftertaste of the past and you'll not even give a single fuck about it anymore. You'll be all over Girl_B and think, what the fuck did I do with Girl_A. (Months later) Bro: Hey, I've met this new girl and she's the one, she is important and the friendship........
Interactions between people are complex, you are right, but they are never overly unique or special. The same shit happens all the time, just not to you (hopefully). No girl is the special one, you'll feel for other girls just as much in the future. Maybe just move on and pursue your housemates? They seem to be pretty nice and supportive of you. Why not go for it and see what happens?
You have a point of course. As for why i don't pursue my housemates... I won't rule it out, and they know that. I love them to a very great extent, but i also know that we wouldn't work as relationships for external reasons, so i am happy to just be friends with them, and save all the pain that would inevitably happen. We've lived together for almost two years now, talking quite openly, i think we can accurately judge that it probably isn't a good idea.
On March 31 2013 23:05 Japhybaby wrote: Interesting blog, I appreciate how you are open to "polyamorous" relationships. In my opinion that shows a real accepting love. My only problem is why is it ok for her to sleep with this guy and you can't cuddle and get emotional support from other people?
Also, i really like Kuni's post. It's really nice to hear that you always do get over someone..I've thought that one girl was "perfect for me and that she was all that matters with three different girls. Everytime there is someone new, as Kuni says, it feels like she is the one. Makes me wonder why i even bother with it
The reason it is like that is because i accept that Grace does have her own feelings. The fact that i am okay with it doesn't mean she is. It isn't a tit-for-tat relationship. just because i am able to deal with these conflicting jealousy emotions doesn't mean that she can and still be happy.
I can tell her how i feel, how i see that it is something worth fighting for, but it is her decision if she thinks it is best for her. I do not begrudge her or Carl the need to find comfort in each other's arms. Carl can give her something that i cannot or will not.
Havent you watched enough romantic comedies to know that these kind of relationships dont ever work...ever? There is always a point where one of you will get jealous and start having contempt for one another. Iam all for free thinking unique individuals....the problem is "carl" is the only one of you who is actually grown or biologically speaking, fully developed brain. Being as old as you are now means that relationship never had a chance, its science
On April 01 2013 00:09 FromShouri wrote: Havent you watched enough romantic comedies to know that these kind of relationships dont ever work...ever? There is always a point where one of you will get jealous and start having contempt for one another. Iam all for free thinking unique individuals....the problem is "carl" is the only one of you who is actually grown or biologically speaking, fully developed brain. Being as old as you are now means that relationship never had a chance, its science
I think "science" as you called it just committed mass seppuku, for having its honour abused in the way you just did.
Didn't i say i wasn't overly jealous? I don't think your argument is cogent at all. I'm sure in most cases relationships don't survive when they are poly amorous, some of those that fail will be caused by jealousy.
Now replace the words "poly amorous" with "monogamous", and you shall see that it is the same.
Most relationships do not survive. They last for as long as they do, and we try to call our past selves liars about the way we were feeling at the time, persuading ourselves that we "never really loved them" or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that human beings find it difficult to get along for long periods with high levels of intimacy in most circumstances. We just deal with that, and keep trying.
You took that break up rather well. I wonder whether or not you did it for yourself or for your friends sanity. You need to sit down with Grace and talk to her about what you need from her so you can keep this transition is as damage-free as possible.
On the subject of a poly-am relationship. Stay away from them. Yes, they seem like a great idea, and yes they keep you with the best parts of being single with some of the best parts of being in a relationship; however, they leave off the rest of the best parts of having a committed partner. Saying to another, "I love you," but I want to also love other people takes away all the emotional intimacy of, "I love you." I feel like, though it is a traditionalist point of view, the ability to be honest about open love, while a step in the right direction in some people's minds, is something I view as a mortally wounding scar on two people's intimacy.
On April 01 2013 00:09 FromShouri wrote: Havent you watched enough romantic comedies to know that these kind of relationships dont ever work...ever? There is always a point where one of you will get jealous and start having contempt for one another. Iam all for free thinking unique individuals....the problem is "carl" is the only one of you who is actually grown or biologically speaking, fully developed brain. Being as old as you are now means that relationship never had a chance, its science
I think "science" as you called it just committed mass seppuku, for having its honour abused in the way you just did.
Didn't i say i wasn't overly jealous? I don't think your argument is cogent at all. I'm sure in most cases relationships don't survive when they are poly amorous, some of those that fail will be caused by jealousy.
Now replace the words "poly amorous" with "monogamous", and you shall see that it is the same.
Most relationships do not survive. They last for as long as they do, and we try to call our past selves liars about the way we were feeling at the time, persuading ourselves that we "never really loved them" or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that human beings find it difficult to get along for long periods with high levels of intimacy in most circumstances. We just deal with that, and keep trying.
Well apparently you can't read, "where one of you will get jealous" translated to you as me saying "you" were jealous, when 1 post above you said she had some jealous feelings she couldn't get through. Its clear you're not a "real thinking" thing but rather a retard who is giving himself way too much credit. And how is what I said even an argument when you fucking agree with me 1 paragraph later. Its okay bro, I get it, you're heart broken, just don't let that get in the way of your thinking since you clearly can't think properly to begin with.
On April 01 2013 00:16 docvoc wrote: You took that break up rather well. I wonder whether or not you did it for yourself or for your friends sanity. You need to sit down with Grace and talk to her about what you need from her so you can keep this transition is as damage-free as possible.
On the subject of a poly-am relationship. Stay away from them. Yes, they seem like a great idea, and yes they keep you with the best parts of being single with some of the best parts of being in a relationship; however, they leave off the rest of the best parts of having a committed partner. Saying to another, "I love you," but I want to also love other people takes away all the emotional intimacy of, "I love you." I feel like, though it is a traditionalist point of view, the ability to be honest about open love, while a step in the right direction in some people's minds, is something I view as a mortally wounding scar on two people's intimacy.
glgl, I wish you well.
I don't really understand what you mean. How does it detract? Don't you have to believe in some sort of destiny/fate to believe that it is likely that there is 'someone' for me? As in, that there is no-one more suited for me that one particular person who is out there somewhere?
That is what saying that relationships should only be between 2 people means to me, denying the idea that there are others who are equally or more suited to you than the one you have at the moment. Not that i am saying that i don't believe in love at all, or that relationships between two people cannot or should not work, just that suggesting that we all follow the same pattern does not actually have any basis in the way we act or the way that we exist as an animal within an animal kingdom.
Tim Minchin expresses it much better than me in song form: You only need to listen to the first half of the video, with the song in it, but i'd watch it all if i were you anyway.
On April 01 2013 00:09 FromShouri wrote: Havent you watched enough romantic comedies to know that these kind of relationships dont ever work...ever? There is always a point where one of you will get jealous and start having contempt for one another. Iam all for free thinking unique individuals....the problem is "carl" is the only one of you who is actually grown or biologically speaking, fully developed brain. Being as old as you are now means that relationship never had a chance, its science
I think "science" as you called it just committed mass seppuku, for having its honour abused in the way you just did.
Didn't i say i wasn't overly jealous? I don't think your argument is cogent at all. I'm sure in most cases relationships don't survive when they are poly amorous, some of those that fail will be caused by jealousy.
Now replace the words "poly amorous" with "monogamous", and you shall see that it is the same.
Most relationships do not survive. They last for as long as they do, and we try to call our past selves liars about the way we were feeling at the time, persuading ourselves that we "never really loved them" or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that human beings find it difficult to get along for long periods with high levels of intimacy in most circumstances. We just deal with that, and keep trying.
Well apparently you can't read, "where one of you will get jealous" translated to you as me saying "you" were jealous, when 1 post above you said she had some jealous feelings she couldn't get through. Its clear you're not a "real thinking" thing but rather a retard who is giving himself way too much credit. And how is what I said even an argument when you fucking agree with me 1 paragraph later. Its okay bro, I get it, you're heart broken, just don't let that get in the way of your thinking since you clearly can't think properly to begin with.
Apparently i came off too strongly before, i didn't mean to offend you. I simply meant that i didn't get jealous, and i have been in open relationships before, where i didn't get jealous either. Why then is it certain that we will reach a "point where one of you will get jealous and start having contempt for one another".
Grace did get jealous, but that doesn't mean she was destined to. I am not unique in the way that i am when it comes to jealousy. All jealousy is is a special kind of fear anyway, and the way we should deal with that fear is by confronting it, like all fears.
It is certain because eventually at one point in either of your minds(or one of the other partners minds) that they want to be with someone exclusively, it literally just happened to you where she choose carl over you. Things like that never change, never will. When it comes down to it, these types of relationships aren't bad, but they will always end. Even from my understanding in polygamy is that most of the time all the wives/kids from said wife, live in a house separate from everyone else.
It is just a bit of nature with nurture. I was in a similar situation with my wife back when we were first dating. She didn't want to be exclusive and went on a few dates with other guys, I was fine with it at first, but eventually I got sick of it and told her either, "knock that shit off or I'm gone." As said above even when combining "the best parts of being single with the best parts of a relationship" it still won't work in the end. Eventually people get tired of it and want something "deeper" or they move on to someone they feel can provide them something "deeper"
On April 01 2013 00:43 FromShouri wrote: It is certain because eventually at one point in either of your minds(or one of the other partners minds) that they want to be with someone exclusively, it literally just happened to you where she choose carl over you. Things like that never change, never will. When it comes down to it, these types of relationships aren't bad, but they will always end. Even from my understanding in polygamy is that most of the time all the wives/kids from said wife, live in a house separate from everyone else.
It is just a bit of nature with nurture. I was in a similar situation with my wife back when we were first dating. She didn't want to be exclusive and went on a few dates with other guys, I was fine with it at first, but eventually I got sick of it and told her either, "knock that shit off or I'm gone." As said above even when combining "the best parts of being single with the best parts of a relationship" it still won't work in the end. Eventually people get tired of it and want something "deeper" or they move on to someone they feel can provide them something "deeper"
That is your experience, and i'm not discounting it, but i think that is not an honest look at what jealousy is, nor is it really trying to deal with it.
I once read a really interesting opinion piece on the subject, available here.
The first point that the author makes is, as i suggested earlier, this has nothing to do with poly relationships, jealousy exists in all types of relationships, and we either deal with it or we break up.
The second point, which i have taken an extract from, is a bit more complicated:
"The stuff that most often comes up in any relationship is around fear of loss or fear of pain and how we each respond to that. Clamp down and try to control? Pull back and try to escape? Lash out and try to hurt first, or worse, or in revenge? Feel inadequate and try to get reassurance?
That whole package—which is basically a whole lot of variations on “fear”—we call jealousy. That’s one problem. Even the name we use for that package of emotion acts as a mask that tries to protect what’s underneath it. “I’m jealous” is somehow easier or more acceptable to say than “I’m terrified.” Sort of like how “I’m angry” is seen as somehow more powerful than “I’m vulnerable.” This is the product of a messed-up patriarchal culture and messed-up ideas about what’s really powerful, because trust me, vulnerability is incredibly strong.
Then we make it worse. We decide that jealousy must be avoided at all costs. Pull out “jealousy” and all of a sudden you have a nicely packaged reason to make your partner do anything you want. Don’t see him more than twice a week or I’ll be jealous. Don’t touch her in front of me or I’ll be jealous. Don’t wear that dress, other men will look at you and that makes me jealous. In short: don’t do anything that triggers my jealousy, and then I won’t be jealous, and then everything will be fine. We will have successfully avoided jealousy."
I do not plan on ignoring my fears. I go mountain climbing regularly, despite having pretty awful vertigo. I'd love to say that the vertigo has gone, but it hasn't. i have good days and bad days. Some days i'm out on the rock and i can't move, except for the fat that my legs are shaking almost uncontrollably. Other days i don't even notice. But all those times i make it to the top eventually, usually, no matter how cliched, with a little support from my friends.
Both love you -- I love you too But I don't really see, why can't we go on as three
You are afraid, embarrased too, no one has ever in your sweet short life child Said such a thing to you Your mother's ghost stands at you shoulder Got a face like ice -- just a little colder Saying you can not do that it breaks all the rules You learned in school But I don't really see, why can't we go on as mmm three
On April 01 2013 01:07 Japhybaby wrote: Both love you -- I love you too But I don't really see, why can't we go on as three
You are afraid, embarrased too, no one has ever in your sweet short life child Said such a thing to you Your mother's ghost stands at you shoulder Got a face like ice -- just a little colder Saying you can not do that it breaks all the rules You learned in school But I don't really see, why can't we go on as mmm three
Did you write this yourself? Otherwise do you have a source?
On April 01 2013 00:43 FromShouri wrote: It is certain because eventually at one point in either of your minds(or one of the other partners minds) that they want to be with someone exclusively, it literally just happened to you where she choose carl over you. Things like that never change, never will. When it comes down to it, these types of relationships aren't bad, but they will always end. Even from my understanding in polygamy is that most of the time all the wives/kids from said wife, live in a house separate from everyone else.
It is just a bit of nature with nurture. I was in a similar situation with my wife back when we were first dating. She didn't want to be exclusive and went on a few dates with other guys, I was fine with it at first, but eventually I got sick of it and told her either, "knock that shit off or I'm gone." As said above even when combining "the best parts of being single with the best parts of a relationship" it still won't work in the end. Eventually people get tired of it and want something "deeper" or they move on to someone they feel can provide them something "deeper"
That is your experience, and i'm not discounting it, but i think that is not an honest look at what jealousy is, nor is it really trying to deal with it.
I once read a really interesting opinion piece on the subject, available here.
The first point that the author makes is, as i suggested earlier, this has nothing to do with poly relationships, jealousy exists in all types of relationships, and we either deal with it or we break up.
The second point, which i have taken an extract from, is a bit more complicated:
"The stuff that most often comes up in any relationship is around fear of loss or fear of pain and how we each respond to that. Clamp down and try to control? Pull back and try to escape? Lash out and try to hurt first, or worse, or in revenge? Feel inadequate and try to get reassurance?
That whole package—which is basically a whole lot of variations on “fear”—we call jealousy. That’s one problem. Even the name we use for that package of emotion acts as a mask that tries to protect what’s underneath it. “I’m jealous” is somehow easier or more acceptable to say than “I’m terrified.” Sort of like how “I’m angry” is seen as somehow more powerful than “I’m vulnerable.” This is the product of a messed-up patriarchal culture and messed-up ideas about what’s really powerful, because trust me, vulnerability is incredibly strong.
Then we make it worse. We decide that jealousy must be avoided at all costs. Pull out “jealousy” and all of a sudden you have a nicely packaged reason to make your partner do anything you want. Don’t see him more than twice a week or I’ll be jealous. Don’t touch her in front of me or I’ll be jealous. Don’t wear that dress, other men will look at you and that makes me jealous. In short: don’t do anything that triggers my jealousy, and then I won’t be jealous, and then everything will be fine. We will have successfully avoided jealousy."
I do not plan on ignoring my fears. I go mountain climbing regularly, despite having pretty awful vertigo. I'd love to say that the vertigo has gone, but it hasn't. i have good days and bad days. Some days i'm out on the rock and i can't move, except for the fat that my legs are shaking almost uncontrollably. Other days i don't even notice. But all those times i make it to the top eventually, usually, no matter how cliched, with a little support from my friends.
I didn't take 3 paragraphs to explain this but I assumed that is what you were referring in your mind about jealousy. Jealousy in a relationship isn't like a normal "jealous" like the article says its the fear aspect which is exactly what happened here. I can only infer from your story written above and the snippets you've added later on, but she was the only one seeing someone else correct? Then once you started being "seen" with people she viewed as a threat(whether she admits this or not, that is exactly what happened assuming you've said everything and weren't seeing someone.), even if only as a true friend and someone to vent too, she started becoming hostile towards you. She seems to have lied and been fine with it being "open" or poly w/e you wanna call it, as long as she was the only one seeing someone else.
Also, I understand you're just trying to say it is just my experience and its only 1 experience, a typical "Yahoo Answers" search will show you it is not. The internet is a tool and using that you can infer that a very high percentage of these types of situations end in what you experienced and what I wrote about. I would be very surprised if you are able to find anything positive happening as a result of this type of relationship, it is just destined to fail. I can't go back in time or teleport, just like unless you're raised into a religion where this is acceptable and perceived as okay and even then there are still divorces in Mormon polygamy. Hell history has shown that even Kings had trouble maintaining this short of life style.
I don't mean for this to sound preachy, but it is something you just learn about as life goes on. You also don't know if Carl has issued an ultimatum or anything behind your back, I'm not trying to suggest anything so please don't take it that way. I just would be a betting man that he, intentionally or not, might of caused this because who do you think she'd turn too to vent about this? I'd bet again Carl, and unknowingly or not he might of convinced her to do something that he didn't intend for this to happen. It's easy to say you forgive him and all but we'll just have to see what happens as time goes on.
On April 01 2013 02:35 FromShouri wrote: I didn't take 3 paragraphs to explain this but I assumed that is what you were referring in your mind about jealousy. Jealousy in a relationship isn't like a normal "jealous" like the article says its the fear aspect which is exactly what happened here. I can only infer from your story written above and the snippets you've added later on, but she was the only one seeing someone else correct? Then once you started being "seen" with people she viewed as a threat(whether she admits this or not, that is exactly what happened assuming you've said everything and weren't seeing someone.), even if only as a true friend and someone to vent too, she started becoming hostile towards you. She seems to have lied and been fine with it being "open" or poly w/e you wanna call it, as long as she was the only one seeing someone else.
Not quite true, i had a full on 5 day fling myself, and almost multiple more.
As for the rest, you might be right, i will ask her, and time will tell i guess.
On April 01 2013 02:35 FromShouri wrote: Also, I understand you're just trying to say it is just my experience and its only 1 experience, a typical "Yahoo Answers" search will show you it is not. The internet is a tool and using that you can infer that a very high percentage of these types of situations end in what you experienced and what I wrote about. I would be very surprised if you are able to find anything positive happening as a result of this type of relationship, it is just destined to fail. I can't go back in time or teleport, just like unless you're raised into a religion where this is acceptable and perceived as okay and even then there are still divorces in Mormon polygamy. Hell history has shown that even Kings had trouble maintaining this short of life style.
I don't really understand what you mean, the fact is historically Polygyny (1 man, multiple wives) was by far the most common form of relationship. It is also probably the most common form of animal relationship. suggesting that monogamous relationships stand the test of time, is simply false. What is more, Polygyny is still common today, especially in the arab world. I am not saying i agree with it, although i wouldn't actually have any issue with it if the other way around was also socially acceptable there, and it was fully consented to by all parties.
On April 01 2013 02:35 FromShouri wrote: I don't mean for this to sound preachy, but it is something you just learn about as life goes on. You also don't know if Carl has issued an ultimatum or anything behind your back, I'm not trying to suggest anything so please don't take it that way. I just would be a betting man that he, intentionally or not, might of caused this because who do you think she'd turn too to vent about this? I'd bet again Carl, and unknowingly or not he might of convinced her to do something that he didn't intend for this to happen. It's easy to say you forgive him and all but we'll just have to see what happens as time goes on.
It might be that he "unknowingly" convinced her. There isn't any chance that he did it on purpose i think. You are right to say that he might have caused this, that is to say that his existence caused this, but he didn't do it on purpose. After all, he is the one who originally got us together. I guess i should have said that before.
On April 01 2013 01:07 Japhybaby wrote: Both love you -- I love you too But I don't really see, why can't we go on as three
You are afraid, embarrased too, no one has ever in your sweet short life child Said such a thing to you Your mother's ghost stands at you shoulder Got a face like ice -- just a little colder Saying you can not do that it breaks all the rules You learned in school But I don't really see, why can't we go on as mmm three
Did you write this yourself? Otherwise do you have a source?
noway, I wish i could write that well. It is from a song called "triad" by david crosby from crosby stills and nash. It's about three people being in love so i thought it was relevant. I like how the lyrics kind of imply that theoretically you could just love both people enough for none of this to really matter
Uh it really sounds like Carl is a bit of a greaseball. Goes to uni at 31, starts fucking a 21 year old and then basically charms his way into her life whilst charming her boyfriend into liking him even though he balls her and eventually steals her away.
I'm really not one for this polyamorous malarky. Having a gf is all about being her numero uno, as far as I'm concerned! But if it works for you, good luck in finding another polyamorous relationship...
On April 01 2013 09:43 sc4k wrote: Uh it really sounds like Carl is a bit of a greaseball. Goes to uni at 31, starts fucking a 21 year old and then basically charms his way into her life whilst charming her boyfriend into liking him even though he balls her and eventually steals her away.
I'm really not one for this polyamorous malarky. Having a gf is all about being her numero uno, as far as I'm concerned! But if it works for you, good luck in finding another polyamorous relationship...
Agreed. The age difference kind of irks me too.
On March 31 2013 22:30 Surili wrote: This is my attempt at putting some of my thoughts together right now, between the tri person relationship that is going on, my thoughts on the philosophy of human beings as real people, as opposed to treating them sort of as NPCs, and how feminism has affected me in this way.
Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything relating to what was described above.
On April 01 2013 09:43 sc4k wrote: Uh it really sounds like Carl is a bit of a greaseball. Goes to uni at 31, starts fucking a 21 year old and then basically charms his way into her life whilst charming her boyfriend into liking him even though he balls her and eventually steals her away.
I'm really not one for this polyamorous malarky. Having a gf is all about being her numero uno, as far as I'm concerned! But if it works for you, good luck in finding another polyamorous relationship...
On March 31 2013 22:30 Surili wrote: This is my attempt at putting some of my thoughts together right now, between the tri person relationship that is going on, my thoughts on the philosophy of human beings as real people, as opposed to treating them sort of as NPCs, and how feminism has affected me in this way.
Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything relating to what was described above.
Yeah, it turns out what i wanted to write about wasn't what i ended up writing about.
I will get back to doing the more philosophy side of this story at some point, i just needed to compile what had actually happened to sort my shit out.
As for the age difference. Carl's age has never really been a problem for any of us, he is just a student like us, dealing with a lot of the same shit.
Thanks for all the messages guys, i am very interested in people's opinions, and they really help me consider my situation from different angles.
EPT
