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Before I get down to what I originally planned to write about, I'd like to make a note on the word "school". Is it just me or does it seem like it should be pronounced "shool"? Semantic satiation is weird.
Anyway, I'm on my last year of highschool/secondary school now and I had the time today to think and reflect upon the past 4 years. It does seem weird to me that I actually managed to learn something about myself throughout the years, and looking at what I have written in my journal, everything seems so surreal. The years have slipped by and things hardly feel any different. It's so hard to grasp the idea that I am moving on with life. I've always thought that people who wrote about their experiences were attention-grabbing narcissists, and in a way, I still do.
I have been plagued by this disease that involves me constantly running away from my commitments. It has led to my career in this school to be disappointingly unsuccessful and insignificant. Although I never actually expected to be the poster boy or anything like that, I always thought that I would have at least won a prize or something similar while representing the school.
The first instance of this sickness was when I decided that I would no longer spend any more of my time on my extra-curricular activity. In Singapore, students are forced to sign up for one and are expected to commit to it. Mine had something to do with indoctrinating nationalist dogma, and was never anything more than that. To me, the entire business was part of a stupid regime which vertebrae was weak-minded sheep. It was militaristic in nature, and as such did not promote individual thought. I knew that it was a mistake to join, and I cannot remember why I joined in the first place. I had an intense hatred of the whole thing.
I ran away. I started to skip training sessions or whatever self-aggrandizing name it had.
There was another occasion where I ran. It was one of the most asinine things I've ever done, and up to now I feel nothing but regret and sorrow for having done so. It was another extra-curricular activity, but it was entirely different in nature compared to the first one I had.
It was some club that revolved around journalism and writing. One thing that I honestly disliked about the whole affair (which constituted of very pleasant discussions about local issues) was that it was about journalism and writing of that sort of nature. I enjoy writing, and I have been influenced by Ray Bradbury to think that writing is a celebration of words and life. However, I had a natural aversion to journalistic writing for I felt that it was not what I wanted writing to mean to me.
I guess I'm inclined to side Vonnegut's take on the matter, that "Newspaper reporters and technical writers are trained to reveal almost nothing about themselves in their writing.", and as an eager and raw schoolboy, I had in my head too many opinions that I wanted to thrust at the world. The blunt way to put things would be that writing about matters that I had very little interest in in an objective rather than a subjectively way annoyed me greatly. Thus, I ran.
I know that I actually had no real reason to run (or at least that's what I've been influenced to believe), and that all these excuses are weak and pathetic. I missed out on a huge number of opportunities that would have come my way if I stayed.
I was weak, and have never been anything else.
 
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This type of introspection, at your age, is pretty amazing
Usually people don't start getting these thoughts until they pick up alcohol (or heroin, but alcohol usually comes first)
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On February 19 2013 22:37 Shady Sands wrote:
This type of introspection, at your age, is pretty amazing
Usually people don't start getting these thoughts until they pick up alcohol (or heroin, but alcohol usually comes first)
Lol... this is Azera not just some random uncultured kid 
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Azera is the cream of the crop when it comes to being cultured
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I can't detect sarcasm D:
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On February 19 2013 22:59 Azera wrote:
I can't detect sarcasm D:
And to be quite honest this is exactly what I would have expected from you. ^_^
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*something about not getting western humour*
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Here's a good question: is there any particular reason you change your displayed location?
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On February 19 2013 23:04 MasterOfPuppets wrote:
Here's a good question: is there any particular reason you change your displayed location?
Yeah I like how simple it looks w/o the country
Edit: I know what you're trying to imply, or at least I think I do.
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You seriously should try gonzo journalism
Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson, and try to do something similar in Singapore. If nothing, in the sheltered world of Sing media, you'll stand out
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Gonzo journalism sounds pretty cool, I'll have to read up on it. I'll look for that article now.
Edit: Apparently it's a novel
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On February 19 2013 23:12 Azera wrote:
Gonzo journalism sounds pretty cool, I'll have to read up on it. I'll look for that article now.
Edit: Apparently it's a novel
Yep, it's a book. It's quite useful for someone looking for an easy process of writing to emulate, as opposed to simply a style of writing, insofar as its a book where the author quite clearly shows how he got to the finished product.
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You ran away because you were afraid of following your dreams because of a negative self image, lack of confidence, and being afraid of what people would think about you. And your still doing the same thing. Your running away from commitment by blaming your past for your current results. Take responsibility for your present results, tell anyone who gets in your way to fuck themselves, and make an absolute decision to spend all of your time excelling at whatever it is you want to do. But most people don't know what an absolute decision is . Lets say you want to be a professional athlete and you make an absolute decision to become a professional athlete. If you've made the decision to be a pro athlete if a situation arises where you would either watch a movie or study your sport, exercise for the sport, etc...and you feel like you would prefer to watch the movie you would say fuck that and go partake in the activity related to your sport. If you can't do that, your a coward and its your fault and nobody else's that you get whatever you have coming to you.
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On February 19 2013 23:05 Azera wrote:Show nested quote +On February 19 2013 23:04 MasterOfPuppets wrote:
Here's a good question: is there any particular reason you change your displayed location? Yeah I like how simple it looks w/o the country Edit: I know what you're trying to imply, or at least I think I do.
Well now you've made me curious.
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Seems to me you need a reason (a why) to pursue writing. If you hate writing in a way that is being dictated by someone else, maybe you should try expressing your views in another form - short stories or even novels if you have the patience. You may express your opinions about society's issues in analogies and post them in forums like TL/your own blog/or even to enter competitions on your own (don't have to be representing your school). Potential money making tool too...
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I feel very similarly. I suppose that you could say (for myself) that not caring is synonymous with being weak or at least goes along with being weak. Being a high school senior I look back and kind of grimace at all of the things that I didn't do. (Whether it was not doing extra curricular activities or not being a part of something in general--I hardly post on TL, but I've been lurking here since SC2 was announced.) More or less I would just like to say that you're not alone in how you feel and I'm sure most people feel like this a little bit.
I'm just running away from high school long enough to be able to run away to college where I'll probably just continue to run away, but I should stay optimistic.
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There is definitely still that touch of highschooler. You and I have that, the want to sound elegant but the hatred of sounding like something we didn't intend for. Especially as highschoolers, we, or at least I, want to punch my way through the world; I want to push my ideas out in beautiful writing, get to the core of what I think, and push that ultra-concentrated emotion out there. Unfortunately, for me, and I'll just extrapolate it to you even though you are a superior writer, I just get caught up in trying to get that emotion out without adulterating it. To be honest, I feel like for you and me it's too soon to really think we have fucked up that bad. Running away isn't retreating, it's a change in the way we want to do things. Get your feelings out there, we should know how you feel.
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On February 19 2013 22:15 Azera wrote:
Before I get down to what I originally planned to write about, I'd like to make a note on the word "school". Is it just me or does it seem like it should be pronounced "shool"?
You schould learn German.
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Last year of secondary school is the 2nd year of high school. You have JC1/JC2 (11th/12th grade) left!
Dodging CCA practice isn't a good thing. Any sort of group, be it extra-curricular or not, relies on your attendance and participation to some degree. It reflects poorly on you to sign up and then simply run - and you waste others' time by putting yourself so outrightly before them. In 2 years, you won't be able to run anymore - and seeing how people act in that circumstance is a better test of character than a thousand introspective blogs.
PS: that doesn't mean you should enjoy UYOs, I hated my 4 years and I can't say I always practice what I preach on this.
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On February 19 2013 23:04 MasterOfPuppets wrote:
Here's a good question: is there any particular reason you change your displayed location?
he's an internationalist now 
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Its strange i have had thoughts along these same lines recently I have shriked alot of reponsablities and am activly being very minamlistic right now.
I see the direction your coming from and i enjoyed your writing very much alot of deep thought like aspects to it.
But your only looking at a courter of your life wait and see where it leads you.
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Ch makes a cha sound. It's one of those letter pair thingys. Also I ran too.
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Thanks for sharing, everyone.
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TLADT24920 Posts
interesting. I find self-analysis is really important because it helps you to see where any problems lie and can guide you to fixing them. It sounds like you know what the problem is but haven't planned to commit to fixing it yet. It also sounds like you want to pursue your own way of writing and your own course in life which is ok of course but you have to learn to stick to commitments. I can't say much for the first extracurricular activity but the writing one you ran from, it might've provided you with insight into how to improve your own style. Life is all about experiences and the more experiences you have, the more improvements that you can make to your life 
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EPT
