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I am guilty.
Maybe two months ago, I was driving my car. It was two in the morning, I had had a light beer two hours before. I was a bit tired but not that much, a bit lost because the usual road home was closed, so I wasn't really sure where I was. I was driving a bit fast I guess, 53 or 54 km/h instead of 50, and as it was dark it and I was tired it wasn't really necessary. Large straight road in town, green lights.
Suddenly in front of me a hobo is crossing the road. Was he drunk ? Was just being parisian and crossing at the stupidest time possible just because it's in the local culture like I often do ? I'm not sure. He saw me and the other cars around me getting there, stopped in the middle of the right lane, hesitated. I was going fast, I wasn't sure, so I didn't stop. I didn't even brake really, or so little.
A police car was close, they asked me to pull up. Long story short, I was hold up a few minutes during which I was copiously lectured, and then let free without any charge, despite earliest threats. I gues they thought I earned a lesson.
My mind wasn't at rest that night. I felt guilty I guess. I could have killed that guy. I made one stupid decision and I could have killed a guy. I fucked up bad.
But that wasn't the only thing. I was happy that the police let me go, but I felt guilty for feeling happy about it.
I was also thinking that I was feeling guilty. I was analyzing my feelings, wondering why I felt bad. I was rationnalizing, and fighting those raionnalizations because I found them immoral.
I was thinking that it was good that I was feeling guilty, but that I was a horrible human being for finding solace in that. I got afraid to drive for a week, but I still did it, and got over it pretty fast.
I felt guilty for thinking more about my own feeling than about that man I almost killed
Tonight, to months later, I randomly remember about it. I had forgotten for so long. I don't feel guilty anymore. I think I should.
I fear I have learnt nothing. If I'm the same situation one of these days, or in ten years, maybe I'll do the same mistake again, and the man won't be so lucky this time. I almost write "I won't be so lucky this time". I am a terrible human being, am I not ?
And yet I live on, untroubled, or so little. Maybe that's what being a sinner means for Catholics, being able to live with the knowledge you are guilty. I wish I could believe sometimes, instead of believing that god doesn't exist, instead of having as my only religious feeling the sadness of God's silence.
All the help I can get come from books I guess. Does Kafka really help me here ? Maybe.
Still, even if I was religious, how could I dare ask for forgiveness. When you're guilty you have to take in the guilt alone. It seems like humans are made for it, that's a consolation I guess.
Of course I'm overthinking it. Maybe it has to do with my depression. I hope it doesn't. Maybe i'm a wimp. In fact I am, I have so little will, but I'm not sure i am in this precise case.
Maybe I'm writing this blog to show the world and therefore myself that' I'm not a bad person.
And still I lie, I get angry and lazy all the time. And sometimes I get guilty over those too.
There is no end to those thoughts I guess, and still I'll have forgotten about all this in a week.
I am guilty, and I wish I felt it more.
  
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You ought to let go. Not forget, and definitely never do something like that again. But let go. Feeling guilty doesn't help you, and it doesn't help anyone else.
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I could not help but read that and imagine you as some sort of contemporary Meursault. I enjoyed it very much. It's ok though, guilt is not as useful as acknowledgement, and you've written this blog, so there's a start!
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Why on Earth are you feeling guilty? What is it that you have done? You have just driven a car, is that a sin now? If someone is walking stupidly on the road, it is their problem. It's not like they have no way of knowing that there may be, you know, .... cars?
I think that you are the victim of the current state of society, where stupidity is glorified and everyone is given the right to be protected from themselves. Also the very fact that the police went after you, not him is fucked up. If it really happened as you say and you had green, he ouhgt to have red, right? Then he was the one who was putting you in danger by his stupid behaviour.
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On February 07 2013 07:12 opisska wrote:
Why on Earth are you feeling guilty? What is it that you have done? You have just driven a car, is that a sin now? If someone is walking stupidly on the road, it is their problem. It's not like they have no way of knowing that there may be, you know, .... cars?
I think that you are the victim of the current state of society, where stupidity is glorified and everyone is given the right to be protected from themselves. Also the very fact that the police went after you, not him is fucked up. If it really happened as you say and you had green, he ouhgt to have red, right? Then he was the one who was putting you in danger by his stupid behaviour.
Im sorry but if u drank a beer before u took the car, and it is night and u are driving more than the limit and someone crosses over the street u brake or u take a detour so u have no chance of hitting him.
To reply to OP, the whole point of the story is that if it is dark and u are not sober, drive slowly and be carefull, if uve done that since the accident then uve learn ur lesson and should not feel bad.
While if u still do the same thing and next time u hit somebody then u should really feel deep guilt.
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We all make stupid decisions, even ones that could have had lethal consequences. The entire idea that something could have very easily gone differently, that we could have caused the death of another had random factors gone the other way is quite scary; as it should be. But as you write this blog you realize that you made an error, and even though you don't feel so bad and you don't think about it all the time -- I'm sure you'll be reminded of it when a similar situation occurs.
Your story sort of reminds me of when I was in middle school -- about 10 or so years ago -- my idiot friends and my idiot self decided to play the choking game. We figured out that if you cut off oxygen to your brain for long enough you get like a mini-high; days after this miraculous discovery, and after extensive testing with a small group of friends -- we expanded this practice to some other friends. At the time I was physically much larger and taller than most of my friends, so the task of putting people in headlocks fell on my shoulders, or arms, as it were. So we go through a few people, things go as they ususally go; you go in the headlock, wait a bit, I let you go, then you get your awesome middle school high. There was one friend who was a bit apprehensive of partaking in our activity -- rightfully so, he was usually someone who was more appropriately cautious and usually avoided doing stupid shit like we did; however, as one of his friends after another went, a combination of curiosity, and light peer pressure (you know, stupid shit like "hey dude it's fun", "you should try it", ect), he eventually decided to try it out. The result for him was far different, I'm not sure what I did differently; but I distinctly remember that for the most part people would make general muffled choking sounds, as well as resisted a bit against my arms, sort of a instinctual reaction to having your oxygen supply forcefully cut off; but he was dead silent, and offered no resistance to the headlock after a short while. Luckily at this point I knew something was off, so I let go, and to my absolute horror, he fell face first to the ground, and began to convulse. We all rushed to check him out, make sure that he was okay -- after a few seconds he stopped moving completely. Lucikly, do everyones relief; he came around -- reporting that he had blacked out. After we were sure he was okay, we all pretty much went to our respective homes, and never talked about that day ever again -- nor did we have anymore interest in playing that game.
To be honest I don't remember how long it effected me, today it rarely passes into my mind, and even when it does I don't feel guilty for almost seriously injuring or killing one of my best friends. To be fair, you have to cut off the oxygen supply for a while to actually kill someone, but at the time I didn't really know that, I was absolutely sure that I had nearly killed him. It was a valuable lesson, especially at that age, but for it to have a meaningful impact on my life it doesn't have to haunt my every waking second.
It will make sense for those feelings of guilt to slowly fade away, and even if you don't think about it often, it can still have power where it counts. I hope that this is some consultation, and that my story doesn't hijack your thread 
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Well if you were religious it'd be easier since you have a chance of redemption later on (but you'd feel guilty for existing :p)
Like almost everything guilt vanishes with time, it's normal and you don't have to mortify yourself for that. What you did wasn't really big on the sin ladder and it's normal to forgot.
Tho learning from your mistakes is something everyone should aim to (especially in starcraft) and accepting our failures is quite hard since society (especially education) considers that failing is the worst thing in the world. That doesn't change the fact that it happens all the time to everyone, with more or less consequences regarding the fault and the circumstances. Just try to avoid to do the same mistakes. If it happens again, try harder, don't give up.
There is no perfection lies, lazyness or anger happen (for the second it's even good imo :D). Just try to limit those to the amount you feel it fits you.
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I am kind of confused. You were stopped in the middle of the right lane or was he? And you sped around him or what??
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Hm from what I read at school for me kafka's would be about the last thing I whould read when feeling depressed (well tbh I don't know too much about real depressions, but few books have mad me feel so bad when I read them).
About driving: Maybe I'm a bad driver, but in about 10 years of driving I've experienced several situations similar to the one you described, both as driver, and pedestrian, some of which were probably caused by my stupidity, but luckily and slmost miraculously, no one got severely injured. Looking back, driving experience is invaluable and I don't think you can be a perfect driver right when your 18 (or whatever age it is in france). Dunno if this applies to you though.
What's more important, you can't expect everyone to behave perfectly either, and I might be entirely possible to behave perfect and still getting involved in an accident, at worst with someone dying. Of course you should pay attention and don't drive/live with a mindset of "as long as I'm not legally responsible, everything else is fine". But as the police didn't do anything but lecture you, I'm fairly sure this means you're not guilty in this situation. In a legal sense.
Still, bottomline for save driving: Be aware of yourself. Don't drink before driving, If you're unsure what to do, then brake or even stop.
Now about feeling guilty by your own standards: You don't have to feel guilty that police let you go. They did so because they had no reason to hold you back, and as long as your state has reasonable laws, that's good news for you. I think that's legitimate egoism. And this forces you to judge your actions yourself. Or talk about it, which I encourage you to do in reallife aswell, preferably with someone you trust. I'd say you should replace the word "guilty" with "responsible". You're responsible for your interactions with others in both a good and sometimes a bad way. You can't be perfect all the time, but you shall learn from your mistakes. Don't look at it the way of "I almost killed someone", but more of a "We were lucky nothing worse happened, and this will raise my awareness for making such a situation less likely to happen again" or at least "life is sometimes random and there's no shame/guilt in rolling a 6 at the right time".
Also (as a christian, but protestant and not catholic), I'd say there's a difference between being a sinner and doing sins. If you can ask for forgiveness probably depends on your religion, but if possible you should still ask the people towards who you feel guilty for their forgiveness, as is encouraged in christianity.
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You're not guilty, you pretty much just feel like so
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@ jrkirby : Well, yes, I will. Maybe thinking about it will help somehow.
@ farvacola : I think I'd feel sad if my mother died though :p And thanks 
@ CrazyF1r3f0x : thanks for your story, it helped quite a bit I think.
@ sAsImre : I do have lots of trouble accepting failure, that's a flaw I have.
@ QuanticHawk : the guy stopped in the middle of the right lane, I was on the left one and went on full speed.
@ Mafe : Thanks for the advice ! I'm starting to be quite an experienced driver in fact, I have had my license for 6 years and I drove one year and a half with my parents before. First time I was pulled by the cops.
About the guilt I understand your perspective. I consider it myself too, but I think it's the guilt that interested me here. I mean I wrote "honestly" if such a thing is possible, but there was an intent as a blogger I think.
@ josemb40 : is there really a difference though ?
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From what you said it sounds like you drank one beer. Thats honestly not even close to enough to impair you driving by a significant amount. The hobo was either oblivious, intoxicated, or stupid. Or maybe even all 3. There really isn't any reason at all to feel guilty about this.
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since you're one of those people who have read everything i'd like to have read haha, here is a good quote on the failure topic:
All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho (1983).
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United States24770 Posts
On February 07 2013 08:37 corumjhaelen wrote:
@ QuanticHawk : the guy stopped in the middle of the right lane, I was on the left one and went on full speed.
So the road was clear/green/etc, you drove past a jaywalking pedestrian, and then a cop pulled you over? Yea, you should start to slow down whenever in doubt like that (not necessarily slam on the brakes so you don't get rear ended) but the cop should be talking to the pedestrian in that case rather than you.
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you didn't hit the guy, be glad not guilty.
people make mistakes, you can't always escape that fate.
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So say you had hit him. Then you would feel really horrible for real. I'd look at the situation as a splitting of paths. Maybe something could have gone a little differently, and then you would feel so bad, but it didn't. Because it didn't, feeling bad about it is visiting more harm on yourself than the situation requires or deserves. Just use this as an indication of the amount of forethought required to eliminate this situation in the future. Then you will have dealt with the problem as per it's inherent parameters.
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I'm the opposite. I can't stop feeling guilty about things, even really trivial things which should not induce guilt.
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On February 07 2013 06:38 corumjhaelen wrote:
All the help I can get come from books I guess. Does Kafka really help me here ? Maybe.
This struck me as strange as well. I love Kafka, but the man himself would answer NO to your question.
Ein Buch muß die Axt sein für das gefrorene Meer in uns.
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I agree with a lot of the people here... you have to forgive yourself as I believe we would definitely forgive you too! But yeah, do your best in the future to not take this for granted.
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On February 07 2013 11:16 micronesia wrote:Show nested quote +On February 07 2013 08:37 corumjhaelen wrote:
@ QuanticHawk : the guy stopped in the middle of the right lane, I was on the left one and went on full speed.
So the road was clear/green/etc, you drove past a jaywalking pedestrian, and then a cop pulled you over? Yea, you should start to slow down whenever in doubt like that (not necessarily slam on the brakes so you don't get rear ended) but the cop should be talking to the pedestrian in that case rather than you.
Don't know about the US etc, but in Sweden, the car is pretty much always considered "responsible" since it's the more powerful actor so to speak. Obviously in ridiculous cases (which this might be if the hobo just walked out in front of a car) the driver might be blameless, but it's always considered the responsibility of the driver to not run people over, you have to always be ready to break or handle the situation accordingly because if there was a chance you could have saved the situation, the blame will be on you.
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EPT
