EPTI am ultimately struck with the idea that I am incomplete. In everything that I do, I realize that I need someone to complete me. Now, we could argue about who this person is, whether there is only one person or many who could fill this void is irrelevant to me. The fact is that I am incomplete. Now, this does not mean that I cannot be happy. Quite the contrary. But in every pleasant, normal, or awful experience that I have, I can always look back and say, I wish that I was with my other half when that happened.
So with being incomplete, I want to know what kind of person I want to end up with. So here is where I look back. Let’s talk about my first date. Ever. But before we do that we need to talk about the environment I was in. Let’s go back to the summer before I started 9th Grade. Was not in high school yet. It was 2006 (I think). I was coerced to go to “Church” camp… Since I am more of an introvert, and since it was in a completely different state (I knew no one), it was always awful for me. I hated it, but it seems things were about to change for me.
But I have to be honest. A girl had never been interested in me at all up to that point, ever. I can’t blame them either, I was a little on the chubby side, with a big nose, and moobs (which I have always been made fun of for—still hurts too, was the toughest thing for me to write in this). I was no catch. And I was definitely not built for the pool environment that summer camp was. Before this, I had gone out with one girl, but I only found out much later that it wasn’t because she liked me. It was literally just because her friend had a boyfriend (of course, it was 8th grade… it is what a lot of people do then). Alas, the point here is that I never ever knew of a girl really liking me at all. It was a novel concept. I didn’t know how to handle it either.
So, back to church camp. And don’t ask me why these things always happen at church camp. It ended up there was this one girl who we’ll call… Amy. Turns out she actually liked me. Thought that I was cute. Liked my ears, which I would have never expected. Thought ears were pretty trivial in the looks department. But what do I know! She was definitely cute though, but it is so long ago that I don’t even remember her that well. I just remember what I thought, and I thought she was pretty! So it turns out we decided to keep in touch after getting really close at camp (on AIM guys – this was 2006… remember)? I don’t remember the exact dates, but I do know that at camp she was my first kiss ever!
Here I am, heading back to my hometown, virtually 300 miles away from her. Almost no chance of really seeing her, but we all know that almost is never enough! So we talk everyday on AIM, and eventually we end up going out. Super Long distance relationship. But it never felt wrong, it always felt right. I don’t even remember what we talked about, but there were plenty of haha’s and lol’s, so I am sure it was fun. I was just so happy someone actually liked me!! It never happened before. She even sent me copies of pictures she took at camp. I need to find those…
Well, it turns out that I was heading back up to around where she lived. My mother’s whole family more or less lived there, about thirty minutes from where my (back then) girlfriend lived. So I did what any young-gun boyfriend would do in 2006, I got on AIM! Messaged a few smileys and told her that we should hang out, go to the mall (the natural hang out place), and maybe see a movie. So that is exactly what we planned on. No cell phones or texting necessary. Home phones and payphones! Well, turns out I needed a ride to the mall, and my uncle took me (probably laughing on the inside too).
I got to the mall and (after a few minutes) met Amy. And her mom too. Said hello! Then we went to see a movie. It was Flyboys, which I don’t know about you, but I thought that was a great movie! On another note it is from 2006 so my year counting was right! We sat in the back, and watched the movie. I don’t know about her, but I was just giggling on the inside. I had my eyes glued to the movie not because I was that into it but because I was too nervous and scared and shy to look over at her. My first date with my girlfriend!!! I was too scared to even kiss her, but that didn’t matter because I was with her.
So the movie ends, we talk for a little bit more, and we call our parents on the payphone to pick us up. Said our goodbyes. And I left on cloud nine. Turns out my uncle picked me up on the way back. Asked me how it went. And I was grinning from ear to ear! I remember him just smiling, probably thinking I was so young. I probably had a smile on my face for a good week at least! I still smile just thinking about it. It just felt so right. It was so innocent, but yet it meant so much to me.
Well, sorry guys, but life isn’t always a fairy tale. Amy and I ended up breaking up. All the stupid things that matter when you just get into high school made me think like an idiot. I was afraid no one would believe that I actually did have a girlfriend 300 or so miles away. That no one would see how I thought she was cute. And that it would just be another thing that people would make fun of me for. On top of that, long distance relationships are tough. So we broke up. Pretty dumb decision by me, but hey, that is just what happens sometimes in life. You do dumb stuff.
So what made me think about this again? Well, in short, my uncle. Turns out I was talking to him at Christmas. Between now and then, he died of lung cancer – never smoked a puff either. Told me not to smoke too because he knew how bad lung cancer could make you feel. Was the nicest man. When he passed on, it was just something I didn’t really accept. It didn’t compute, I could recite to you that it happened, but it didn’t hit me. Then I thought back to my first date, and how my uncle and I shared some smiles about it afterwards. Then it hit. I just… I can’t put into words what it was like to realize that the man who drove me to my first date was gone. It was so sad, and I am going to always miss him.
This whole ordeal of memories made me think that I really haven’t felt like I did when I went on that first date – I’ll just call it innocent love. Since then I have made some real mistakes. Let me tell you. Just being plain dumb, and any girl I have been with has just never felt right. That gut feeling you get was always bad whenever I was out with someone else. It wasn’t innocent love, in fact, I don’t think it was love at all. I can just count mistake after mistake I have made with girls since then. So of course I thought back to Amy where this wasn’t the case. The memories of that date are always going to be great (and I am still smiling now as I am writing), but I am sure she has moved on. Everyone does. Turns out my aunt always clipped out newspaper articles of her in the paper. She became an amazing track athlete and received a full ride to college. Me on the other hand. Here is my story.
I would give an arm and a leg to feel what I felt on that first date. Everything felt so right, and I am convinced that if I can get back to that then things will work themselves out. I sure am going to miss the smiling face of my uncle too. And I am still searching for my other half, I don’t know who it is, or if I have already met her. Bottom line is that I don’t know what the future holds, and if I even can get those feelings of innocent love back, but I sure hope that I can…
