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Is it possible for a guy to be just friends with a female that he is attracted to? Should he tell her that he is attracted to her, even though she has a boyfriend? Should he just not try a friendship?
I ask this because I am having lunch with said girl, just me and her, in a couple of days. To give an idea of how attracted to her I am (physically at least), I havent seen her in person in a month or two until today just before one of my classes. Afterwards, I was a bit distracted during the class for a bit... not necessarily sexual thoughts, just that she was gorgeous.
As far as I can tell, she is happy with her boyfriend and I certainly dont want to be wrecking anything. And I just dont know if friendship is possible when I have this heavy physical attraction to her always in the back of my mind.
What do you think? Is it a bad idea to continue the friendship?
 
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United States22154 Posts
If you have doubts about the friendship being a good idea, then it probably isn't. A good friend who thought he might have a chance at stupidly wrecking everything would take a step back to make sure he doesn't.
Been there before, it sucks, but there isn't much else to do outside of distancing yourself.
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If I were in your shoes, I would probably not put too much effort into continuing that relationship. Some men can be friends with women they are attracted to, and I am not one of them. So, to be frank, the only person who can answer this question sufficiently is yourself.
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On January 29 2013 05:01 GMarshal wrote:
If you have doubts about the friendship being a good idea, then it probably isn't. A good friend who thought he might have a chance at stupidly wrecking everything would take a step back to make sure he doesn't.
Been there before, it sucks, but there isn't much else to do outside of distancing yourself.
That's really solid advice! It's not easy to follow through though. I've always done the opposite and invested in the friendship. It's not an easy situation if you have feelings for said girl but sometimes when you invest in the friendship you will realize it's worth more than whatever romantic feelings you might have had initially (or that you really need to back off). This has always worked for me (and I didn't create any major emotional wreckage).
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51493 Posts
See how it goes for a month or so...see how many "dinners" you go for, see what she is like with you in body language and stuff. If she seems flirty and always happy/smiling around you, then by all means after 1/2 weeks tell her your feelings.
If she is just being a friend with you and just talks about constant boring shit, then you well and truly have been friendzoned and if you cant deal with that then you need to just GTFO xD
I wouldn't mention shit on this first "date" xD
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United States10384 Posts
tbh, ive liked a girl who was a really good friend of mine. i actually helped her get into her first ever relationship as well. i told her that i did but i understood everything. w.e. blah blah.
we're still close friends, she has a new boyfriend, and i still kind of like her >< but hey, ive gotten used to it and still good friends.
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Generally, as long as you never blur the lines, you're good. Unless one of you is psycho, desperate, or both.
It's really rare for new lines to establish themselves comfortably, with the difficulty increasing each time.
On the other hand, if both of you are psycho, the lines tend to be more of a sine wave. This is usually a LOT of fun for a while, until one or both of you settles down.
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I've always had a crush on my best friend and I was crushed (hah) when she started seeing someone, but two weeks after that I got over it and continued being friends with her.
I think your best bet is communication: tell her you are attracted to her, but want to be 'just friends' and want to have clear lines in your relationship etc..
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Personally, I have quite a few friends who are girls. At one time, I was attracted to one of them. For me, it took some time to just see her as a friend (about a month), but afterwards, my feelings just went away.
Overall, just give it some time. If your feelings persist, maybe you can ask her how she feels about you.
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On January 29 2013 04:55 TheRabidDeer wrote:
Is it possible for a guy to be just friends with a female that he is attracted to? Should he tell her that he is attracted to her, even though she has a boyfriend? Should he just not try a friendship?
I ask this because I am having lunch with said girl, just me and her, in a couple of days. To give an idea of how attracted to her I am (physically at least), I havent seen her in person in a month or two until today just before one of my classes. Afterwards, I was a bit distracted during the class for a bit... not necessarily sexual thoughts, just that she was gorgeous.
As far as I can tell, she is happy with her boyfriend and I certainly dont want to be wrecking anything. And I just dont know if friendship is possible when I have this heavy physical attraction to her always in the back of my mind.
What do you think? Is it a bad idea to continue the friendship?
There are a lot of weird quirky social rules attached to this problem that I think need to be discussed.
First of all, if he hasn't put a ring on it, then she's fair game(metaphorically, not literally). I'm not saying you go up to her, and start groping her, and hitting on her. I'm saying you still be her friend because she has a boyfriend, and if she wanted a boyfriend, she would probably be occupying her time with something else that would lead her to a position to get another boyfriend.
Second, I see no problem with being friends with a girl you're attracted to, even physically. The problem with society as it is right now is that people love dividing themselves amongst the crowd. This means they like to point at someone and point out the differences between the person and themselves.. Doing that in itself, to yourself, is not the issue but then continuing to use labels to suggest that you should be following some social hierarchy that is already made up to start with, is crazy.
What I mean to say is that things like not being attracted to the same gender. Of course you are. Attraction isn't just sexual. Attraction is attraction. You have your friends for a reason - you are attracted to their qualities. If you weren't, then I'm confused why you choose to be around them because either you are or you're lying to yourself. You are attracted to people both physically and mentally or emotionally whether you want to accept it or not. Your "best bud" is your "best bud" for a reason, regardless of their gender.
The point is that you should be able to be friends with her. If their relationship is strong, you being attracted to her shouldn't make two licks of difference. They like each other for a reason, so you should be able to be friends. You need to accept that you are friends until they are no longer dating - then you can start thinking about making a move when the time is right.
Third, just be honest with her dude. I know this sounds obvious, but if you straight up tell her "I'm attracted to you, but I understand you have a boyfriend, so I just want to be your friend" and mean it, and she says she can't do it, then you can't be friends. Unfortunately, that's how it is, but if you are honest with someone and mean it by following through, then you should have nothing to worry about. There are a bunch of situations that can arise such as "Well, what if while being friends she becomes attracted to me and crosses that line." That's when you tell her that she has a lot to think about, and you cut her off cold turkey until she does something else about it.
This all my opinion, but from what I've seen is that you waste a lot of time and limit yourself when you think some of these social rules exist. If you guys are going to date down the road, you have to be able to be friends, and you have to be able to show that it won't matter if she's friends with other guys because you have confidence in your relationship. If she cheats on you, then you had false confidence to start with either because you were deceived by her, yourself, or just other crap.
If she likes you, she will like you, and that's that. I'm not saying you can just sit around and a girl will come up to you, but you don't have to try to hit on girls you're attracted to . You just have to be there, and when the time arises for something to happen, it will happen. You'll do it because it was a reaction, not because you had this insidious plan from the very start.
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Thanks for the wise words everybody, I figure I will let her know that I am attracted to her and kinda see what happens.
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EPT
