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Colombia4171 Posts
So I was just chatting with a girl friend from school, I have been friends a looong time with her, and she asked me for some advise today,
history short, she tells me she started seeing this guy, dated him for like 3-4 months, said guy never wanted anything serious during that time but she did. during that time, they still dated other people I guess and there were no formal "rules" or jealously issues.
Now, I guess after 6 months, guy finally is ready to be a little more serious with her, and make it an official boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. she was static happy and agreed. But now the guy asked and said that it bother him that she still talked and actively texted with 2 of her ex boyfriend. one who she dated for 7 years and one for like 6 months. and he said it was a deal breaker for him, that she either completely moved on and quit all talk with those ex boyfriends or he would never take her seriously and actually just move on from her himself.
oh and I guess there was 3rd guy as well, who she dating or had a drink with once or twice at the same time she was seeing the boyfriend now. and this 3rd guy actively wanted to hang out with her, do dinner drinks etc, in short he wanted to hook up and maybe be in a relationship with her, he made it clear.
so the boyfriend now, wanted this 3rd guy out of the picture as well, hes reasoning being that this 3rd guy had clear intentions, that he obv wanted to get in her pants and not just be her friend, and if she was in a srs relationship now, what was the point of continue talking to him.
Well, I guess she told the guy she would, but lied lol. she still talked to all 3 of them while she was boyfriend and girlfriend with this dude. now dude find out she still actively talking to them, and dumbs her.
she is very heart broken and said and wants him back, and they were in the process of being back together, but she told him she lied cus she didnt want to lose him etc, but she feels she should be able to talk to whoever she wants and she just needs to trust her, knowing she only has eyes for him etc and the other guys are just friends.
I guess the boyfriend who dumbed her, said no way, you either kick all those people out of ur life or he will just move on and not even give her a second chance
...she comes to me asked me my opinion, and I think she taught I would take her side, but I actually sided with her exboyfriend lol, and told her is she loved him and wanted him that bad, dumb and just forget about her exboyfriends from the past, that are making her present not be happy haha..but I am latin, so I guess I am somewhat "macho" and possesive? I guess so I agree with the dude she should not be talking to any exboyfriends.
Anyways one of my main reasons is I asked her, well did he ever said anything about me, as we do chat and even have coffee and lunch together often, and she said he did ask, but after she answer that he had been friends for a long time, never sexual etc, he actually just never brought me up again and said oh ok.. so I see he sees that friends are ok.. so I agree with him
lol
anyways what do you guys think? is she right or is he right? she got upset at me for thinking like him.
 
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Colombia4171 Posts
what would you consider as compromise? I dont really think there is a middle ground here?
but I guess I kinda agree, if someone doesnt give in it will end
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Colombia4171 Posts
umm makes sense I guess
but I agree they should just prob move on and avoid the stress and hassle,
thanks for the oppinion
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Neither are right or wrong, it's all about preferences. If he prefers one thing and she prefers another, too bad. If she wants to talk to other people and he doesn't want someone who does that, too bad.
She has the absolute right to talk to whoever she wants and do whatever she chooses. Similarly, the guy has the right to dump her whenever and for whatever reason.
The key here is the 100% responsibility principle. If someone says they'll dump you if you do X and you go ahead and do X...
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Here's my personal opinion on having Exes as friends.
For me, it's not a good idea if they are a recently broken up couple. I'd give it at the very least a couple months, longer if it was a tough break-up and/or a long relationship. After that, if the two want to try being friends, fine. This requires both sides to agree to keep it totally platonic, and if it starts going anywhere other than that, then it has to stop.
Now, what you haven't said here, probably because you don't know, is what your friend's boyfriend thinks about this, just that he wants her to cut off the friendships with exes. It could be one of three things as far as I can see.
1. He thinks that you should never be friends with your Ex. I disagree, but I think it's still a perfectly legitimate precaution against old relationships springing back up. Maybe a little extreme, but I can see his point. As they say, better safe than sorry. It's possible that there can be some sort of compromise made, it really just depends on how closely he holds on to his beliefs. From the info given, though, I'd find it unlikely that he'll really budge much.
2. He's using this as a way of controlling your friend. This is by far the least likely of the options, but it's still possible. If she thinks that this is the case, then chances are, this relationship isn't going anywhere good. There's not really much more to say on this one, if my friend was in a situation like this, I'd probably tell her to get out.
3. She's given him a reason to not want her talking to her Exes. Maybe she normally has a flirty personality and he's worried, maybe something actually happened, or maybe it's something else, but he sincerely believes that there's a chance that talking to her Exes is damaging to their relationship. If this is the case, then there's no way in hell that he's budging on this and rightly so.
As for the other issue of the other guy she's getting dinner, drinks, whatever with. It's not gonna work. The only way to do that is if all parties involved are ok with not being exclusive and it's clear that her boyfriend is not ok with that. Something's gonna give eventually if she doesn't drop one of them, and that's just a fact. That's my take on it, anyway.
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stopped reading after first paragraph
User was temp banned for this post.
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basically here is the compromise that needs to be struck. He needs to set ground rules that stop him from being a clingy bitch. This basically means that she agress that she isn't to have anything to do with ex's that haven't moved on, or guys that have made it explicitly clear what they want is action. The girl needs her space so she needs to have him ok with her talking to people so long as they don't make an explicit threat to the relationship. In this case, she is the one I find most at fault. She has been lying to her bf and has been actively talking to people who present real and imminent dangers to the relationship. The guy isn't faultless though, and his clingy-ness and inability to trust are huge issues. However, what you have here is a failure to communicate.
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I think you should be INSANELY offended that this guy didn't see you as a threat. Wow.
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On January 11 2013 14:17 krndandaman wrote:Show nested quote +On January 11 2013 13:55 Zim23 wrote:
I think you should be INSANELY offended that this guy didn't see you as a threat. Wow. What's wrong with purely platonic friendships with the opposite sex? I'd be more offended if my friend's boyfriend thought I could be interested in his girl. If I was remotely interested in her I would've gone for it years ago.
It really doesn't exist (according to her ex-bf at least). His reasoning is this, like, if a guy is a girls bfffffff, there are 2 reasons for it, 1 is that the girl is taken or not interested, the other is that the guy is taken or not interested. In both situations, one of the parties is. After all, friendship is similar to love attraction, but lacks the lust and intimacy factor. Simple friendships between guys and girls do exist (I have them), but in this case, with a guy as clingy and easily perturbed by other men as this one, he won't see platonic relationships, just possible visigoths trying to pillage his woman.
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Young people problems are the best. They are so unaware of the horrors to come.
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He is totally wrong and she's better off without that kind of bullshit.
If she wants to cheat on him, she's to blame. The partner controlling who she sees to prevent cheating? It's fucking insane. If he doesn't trust her, they shouldn't have a relationship, period. If it isn't really about her, but his personal insecurity, ie he just doesn't want the anxiety and suspicion, then he should see a fucking therapist and not bully his gf.
It's not an entirely black and white issue, ofc his emotions on some level are understandable and some compromises must be done in any relationship but he's clearly far over the border of controlfreakishness.
I know people often accept this jealousy shit, and some even appreciate it, some even sees it as necessary for true affection; I just pity all of these people. Go see shrink, fix issues, get feet out of asses. fix'd
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EPT
