I never thought I'd make one of these. I also never thought I'd be lucky enough to have the privilege to meet someone so fantastic. I hope that expressing myself semi-anonymously on the internet helps.
It only lasted two weeks. She is kind, loving, understanding, cute, pretty. She is the first who moved my stone heart. I tried my damned best to make her happy. She says that I am too much of a distraction from her studies. This is, in my opinion, a very good reason to part ways.
Why am I sad?
I should be proud of her. She has the same feelings towards me that I have towards her, and she made the courageous decision to choose something that is more important.
So why the fuck am I depressed? Why can't I fall asleep? Why is my heart full of disappointment when I see her in class? It doesn't make sense.
The answer, I believe, lies in having a reason to live. For a year and a half, my reason to wake up every morning, was to train in starcraft. I was going to make it, and I would hoist the trophy. Then, I quit. I looked at my life, I looked at grandmaster league. There are 600 GM's that you've never heard of. These people are better than me, sacrifice themselves for glory, and are trying to make it. How many of them succeed? I decided that this dream, this passion, the reason I got out of bed every morning, was less important than school and health. I did ace all of my winter exams, but I felt hollow. I didn't get any satisfaction from it. Tears well up in my eyes as I actually say that to myself. I began to work out and lose weight, and sure I'm healthier, and starting to look better, I don't get the satisfaction that came from playing a good game of starcraft. But I can't go back, I have to live my life.
Then she came along. I was still in this state where I had nothing to live for. No motivation, I was just trucking on through life. I was fine, but not happy. She quickly became my reason for smiling every day, I loved the mere thought of her. Then, as quickly as it started, it ended.
The crash was hard. I have never been truly depressed. I have had loved ones die on me, and I have had to sacrifice my passion in life. I have wept for them, but within a day I was able to get back on my feet. This was different. It's been several days now. Each day I've gotten 3 hours or less of sleep. I go to school, I can hardly pay attention. I sit at home and I don't have the motivation to do anything. I try to play chess. I try to play dota. My mind is so weak that I can not play these games with any skill, and failure just wounds my heart that much more.
I hate being sad. I hate it. I have scared myself with how emotionally weak of a person I am. I have gotten angry at myself for these feelings. My brain tells me that it is completely against all logic, and yet I am sad.
I don't have a passion for life right now. I'm going to try something though. I'm going to try and make my future my motivation. By April, I want to be able to run 16 laps in 24 or less minutes, I want to be able to do 110 pushups in 2 minutes, 110 situps in 2 minutes, and 15 pullups without interruption. I want to bring my marks up to an A average, of which I am just shy. I want to bring my chess.com ELO to 1500, I started at 500, crawled my way to nearly 1000 and then tanked to 900. I want to join a martial art. I want to practice vipassana meditation every day.
I'm still sad. I don't know if I'll ever be happy, but I will definitely try to find fulfillment in myself. I still love her, and I do not hold anything against her at all. Her choice was the correct one, and I wish that I could stop being sad about it.
At the end of all suffering is relief. There are no exceptions to that statement. Here's to hoping I learn to live again.
Uhmm - okay - this a shot in the dark because your post is pretty vague but let me give you my thoughts on the passion issue first:
You can't just drop a passion like that. That's not how it works. Watch the movie Rounders. You'll always come back around to it because it's part of who you are. You'll always find it fascinating. Of course there are exceptions but I doubt you're old enough to get to that point.
As for the girl - don't listen to her. If you want her and you "love" her then what she says partially doesn't matter. You can't just give up like that. You can't just say "well she said this so that's gotta be how it is." Let me give you a reality check. School and studies - in the grand scheme of life - is not that important. You typically go to school for 4 years - maybe six if you're getting a masters degree or whatever. A relationship can last a lifetime. Five years of being with a woman is pretty much the same as going to school. My point is - don't believe her. If you want her, don't give up and keep chasing her. Never give up, never surrender. You can be more important to her than school and her studies. And you most likely are if she likes you enough. Women are emotional creatures.
Why don't you tell her this, you might be a distraction for her, but for you she is not, you still have your grades as you said, you need to tell her you want her to do both. Express your feels to her, tell her you can't stand being without her etcetc.
When you tell her this, im sure she will see you again, just say you don't have to be with her everyday , you can just meet up once a week when you have time, or go out whenever you have free classes. You can make relationships and school work, work, it is not that hard, u just see eachother a bit less than a normal relationship might.
I like the way your putting your mind at rest from the heartache with exercise, it is very good way to fixate the pain, by giving yourself a physical work out.
Self improvement is all good and fine, but your goals seem very high. You will stress yourself by trying to archieve them, and at the end, what will you get from it? What do you really want? My suggestion is to focus on the present more than on the future or past. I'm sure looking into Buddhism or something similar will help you a lot.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." - Buddha "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." - Buddha
Is there any chance she just said that to make you feel better and she actually dumped you? I've had the ol' 'I need to focus on my studies' before! Otherwise, if not, have a go at changing her mind, otherwise sorry you're stuck with one of the lamest feelings ever. Just know that some of us have been there and we sympathise with you, you will recover like you say!
I think it's beautiful that you're going through all these emotions, it really is an incredible element of being a human.
All I can say is that eventually, with time, you will feel better. There's no quick fix. I see that you're keeping yourself busy, which is good, but don't tire yourself out too much by trying to fill the void inside of you right now. Just keep on living, improving and feeling and things will eventually get better.
Bull. Fucking. Shit she's 'dumping' you to 'focus' on her studies. My fucking ass. She's either lying and just wanted to let you down easy or she's self handicapping. Plenty of people can manage relationships while concentrating on careers and studies. I honestly doubt she genuinely 'dumped' you to focus on her studies. A girl who truly wants to be with you won't pull an excuse like that, people will try to make it work. As for self handicapping? Maybe its because of
I tried my damned best to make her happy
Possibly making her realise that if the relationship fails, its because of her and not you. But that also depends on how you actually went about it. Whenever i see someone say that, I usually read it as: "I'm clingy, needy and placate their whims"
EDIT: I just saw that 'proud of her' line. No you shouldn't be. Its not courageous. If anything its the complete opposite of courageous.
Also you need to find your own motivations, passions and things you can strive for. Finding motivation in a girl will crush you in the long term, especially when it goes south. Look at what you've said and tell me I'm wrong.
EEDDIITT: You went out for 2 weeks and you love her? Well...
Dude, don't give up so easily. Girls always play hard to get, especially when they are young. She might have made her choice, but if you're strong willed enough, she'll eventually submit to your greatness. You just need to find out if the reason she stated is the true reason or if it was just her polite way of saying 'No, thank you. I don't like you.'
I'm sad to say that it might have been her way of expressing her disinterest in you. Usually girls swoon over the guys they like.
If it doesn't work you, then just find another girl. This world is full of girls.
If you really need to desperately find something worthy to do with your spare time, go volunteer at shelters / hospitalized homes / senior homes / etc. I see that your location is Canada; there should be plenty of local volunteer opportunities available. See how little it takes to put a genuine smile in other's faces.
You sound young. First love and all that... It goes away. You meet someone else, someone better. Don't push yourself in a direction that you don't want. Practice if you want to. Practice SC2 if you need to. Just live and stop analyzing how "life should be". It's your life so do with it as you please..
On January 10 2013 18:23 Thaniri wrote: Then she came along. I was still in this state where I had nothing to live for. No motivation, I was just trucking on through life. I was fine, but not happy. She quickly became my reason for smiling every day, I loved the mere thought of her. Then, as quickly as it started, it ended.
Doesn't sound like the best place to start a relationship from, frankly. If you're completely dependent on her for your happiness...
im going to tell you something someone once told me: Girls are trouble. Honestly the sad wont last forever. get really good at being happy. play starcraft, work out, just do whatever you want. you dont get to do whatever you want forever. Theres good girls out there dont get me wrong, but dont expect anything too life changing while your still in high school and you will never be disappointed. theres also alot of other insightful shit in this thread; optical, abducteddonut and fractals in particular. Also the guy who posted dream theater. you can always turn to DT. Petrucci will never break up with you over school!
Studying is nice and all, but is it worth breaking off your relationship just so you can maybe get a slightly better grade? If she can't manage a relationship and school at the same time, there's a definite problem. What if you relationship continued beyond school? How can she manage work and a relationship? (in my opinion, work life is a lot harder to manage than school)
If this is truly the end, don't worry. You'll find someone else who will make you smile and you'll be wondering, "why did I ever stress so much over that other girl anyways..?"
I was in the same position back in college and given the same reasoning. I got over it, graduated, got a job and found someone else. Don't turn back.
And who knows, maybe she'll realize she made a stupid decision and come back to you. But, don't waste so much time and energy thinking about her because she might not be doing the same.
Don't let one girl in a world of nearly 7 billion people keep you down.
first, you are in no way alone in feeling terrible after losing your love. it feels like you are but trust me, you arent.
second, tell her how you still feel, it will make you feel better
third, i put everything (all my attention, literally everything) and it didnt work out. i was devastated. too often we do that because we dont know what else to do. but diversify your interests. that way if something falls through it doesnt hurt so bad (i learned it the hard way). i got back into starcraft and started yoga and learned to play guitar.
fourth, still talk to girls and do you best to find/flirt with others. we destroy ourselves and our self image after a breakup but doing that will help get it back
Hey friend, if this is your first breakup, don't worry about it the first one usually hurts the most . From your post, it sounds like your mind wasn't in the best of place before you met her and usually this is not healthy for any relationship. You need to be happy first with your life/self or else you are totally dependent on your partner for your emotional needs and this can be very taxing for both side. The way you setup your goals sounds like me when I was younger :p. Back then I would setup a grand goal and was willing to do all the necessary soulless, repetitive, punishing tasks to achieve it and in many cases I was soloing alot of the tasks by myself. Reading your post, I am wondering whether you are suffering the syndrome as i did (or probably even worse since it sounds like your mental and willpower is stronger)? What usually happen is i either quit after 3 months, achieve my goals and then no longer sustaining it or the activity no longer become enjoyable then I stop. Nowadays, I learn that its much better to form smaller but continuous and realistic goals, be more relax, enjoy my activities more with others and when I need to do soulless tasks in order to get good, even if i can do it by myself, I will now always do it with a like minded real life friend . If none of my current friends are interested, i will go out and make a new one! Good luck with your endeavors sir and may you succeed. btw, i can probably help with the chess part.
On January 10 2013 22:26 FractalsOnFire wrote: Bull. Fucking. Shit she's 'dumping' you to 'focus' on her studies. My fucking ass. She's either lying and just wanted to let you down easy or she's self handicapping. Plenty of people can manage relationships while concentrating on careers and studies. I honestly doubt she genuinely 'dumped' you to focus on her studies. A girl who truly wants to be with you won't pull an excuse like that, people will try to make it work. As for self handicapping? Maybe its because of
Possibly making her realise that if the relationship fails, its because of her and not you. But that also depends on how you actually went about it. Whenever i see someone say that, I usually read it as: "I'm clingy, needy and placate their whims"
EDIT: I just saw that 'proud of her' line. No you shouldn't be. Its not courageous. If anything its the complete opposite of courageous.
Also you need to find your own motivations, passions and things you can strive for. Finding motivation in a girl will crush you in the long term, especially when it goes south. Look at what you've said and tell me I'm wrong.
EEDDIITT: You went out for 2 weeks and you love her? Well...
its funny how in the us (and apparently australia) youre not supposed to fall in love fast,or at least say it. in my part of the world,you can be in love with a girl youve never talked to,theres nothing wrong with that,but theres no word for infatuation so it probably makes sense. its not unusual for people to say i love you on the first date,and its not shameful at all;)
On January 10 2013 22:26 FractalsOnFire wrote: Bull. Fucking. Shit she's 'dumping' you to 'focus' on her studies. My fucking ass. She's either lying and just wanted to let you down easy or she's self handicapping. Plenty of people can manage relationships while concentrating on careers and studies. I honestly doubt she genuinely 'dumped' you to focus on her studies. A girl who truly wants to be with you won't pull an excuse like that, people will try to make it work. As for self handicapping? Maybe its because of
I tried my damned best to make her happy
Possibly making her realise that if the relationship fails, its because of her and not you. But that also depends on how you actually went about it. Whenever i see someone say that, I usually read it as: "I'm clingy, needy and placate their whims"
EDIT: I just saw that 'proud of her' line. No you shouldn't be. Its not courageous. If anything its the complete opposite of courageous.
Also you need to find your own motivations, passions and things you can strive for. Finding motivation in a girl will crush you in the long term, especially when it goes south. Look at what you've said and tell me I'm wrong.
EEDDIITT: You went out for 2 weeks and you love her? Well...
its funny how in the us (and apparently australia) youre not supposed to fall in love fast,or at least say it. in my part of the world,you can be in love with a girl youve never talked to,theres nothing wrong with that,but theres no word for infatuation so it probably makes sense. its not unusual for people to say i love you on the first date,and its not shameful at all;)
I would never think 'falling in love' or saying 'i love you' on a first date is shameful. I just think those who do are misinterpreting their own emotions. I think its more infatuation and/or lust.
We texted back and forth for a while. She feels like shit for having to dump me, and I told her that she has been nothing but fantastic to me, and should not feel bad for anything. I still believe that her decision was correct (if it's true that I really was too much of a distraction from her studies) and so I only want the best for her.
She wants to continue being friends. I tried to communicate how difficult that is for me, but I think I failed to express myself properly.
She's gone for the weekend with family, and when she's back I plan on VERY clearly outlining that I want a relationship, but since she says that it is impossible to have one, the prospect of only being friends would hurt me because of my wants. This was clearly demonstrated because I felt like complete shit after texting with her and knowing nothing will ever come of it.
Still searching for a new passion in life, I don't know why the things I'm not doing aren't inspiring me. Physical activity is really helping, but I find schoolwork not very stimulating.
I expressed myself, she knows I'm not happy about the fact that our relationship is over, but I didn't say what truly wracks my mind, because she dumped me to not be distracted, and that would distract her.
It's not going to work out. I'm not happy at all, but it's beyond me now.
Man, I am sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how hard it would be.
Unfortunately, it seems like she didn't quite have the same feelings for you as you did for her; opting out of a relationship because you have to "study" is really not a good enough excuse..
I recommend that -- as hard as it would be -- you forget completely about this girl and, ideally, find another girl that you can "rebound" with.
I think she wasn't in love like I was, but she was truly special to me. I don't think she'll know how big of a deal she was to me, I was actually stone-hearted before I met her. I didn't consider a single girl for a relationship before her, and she completely captured my mind.
It's sad, but this grief won't fix my problems. I desperately need to find a passion to live for, or I fear slipping into depression. I don't think that another girl will fill this hole, at least not for a long time, because no other girl has moved me the same way.
I understand where you are coming from because my personality is similar to yours. In 23 years of life, I have only truly fallen for 1-2 girls and the first one didn't turn out to be the person I thought she was. Certainly, there is no panacea to your grief but I can confidently say time -- and perhaps only time -- will get you out of the hole. For me, it took around 2 weeks and perhaps it will take longer for you... On the meantime, I suggest that you keep your depression under check (some counseling might be helpful) and try your best to keep yourself occupied with something else, be it academics or another girl (best but difficult/unlikely for ppl like us).
It hurts and it sucks; I really do understand how you feel. The situation may not be the same but the feelings of how much it hurts is the same.
All I can say it, you just have to let go. It's easy sometimes to just say, I'm letting go but doing it is a process that will go up and down sometimes and you just have to be ok with that process.
Two things about letting go;
If you can let go; you'll be less destructive. Move on, improve on other things in life and it'll allow for you to remain and most likely become even more attractive; and when she sees you again, all happy, strong and confident. Something will click for her to want to be with you again.
If that doesn't happen; well you've still spent all that time improving yourself and by the end of it, if she takes too long to realize how great you've become, then you'll be over her by then. It happens, all the time. I've always felt like I lost someone and will never find someone better and be scared that they'll move on. But you know what? Sure enough, as you accept that it's over, someone else just rolls on by (but only if you've been improving yourself and putting your body out there in the world).
It never hurts less... you just get better at it.
Some of the other posts are really realistic and true but very very cynical. If you follow their advice, maybe you'll get sex and pussy and whatever.
But to have an actual partnership. Really be what you want to be; keep being positive, allow yourself to grieve but continue to improve and good things will come. They will. The next girl is always an upgrade.
I found this thread to be very carthatic, thank-you guys.
Something that needs to be made clear, is that I wish nothing but the best for her. I want her to be happy, I want her dreams to be fulfilled, and everything good in the world for her.
I'm going to be improving myself as a person, academically, mentally, and physically. The issue is that I don't believe that these things are a full substitute for starcraft or her, because I simply am not any happier by doing these things, but I am confident that eventually I will find something that fulfills me as a person. I'm considering joining some sort of martial art, to be my competitive drive.
And as a bit of a last note, I'm starting to think grief is the ultimate expression of joy. If I did not miss the pure joy that she brought me, I would not grieve. Yeah I'm fucking sad, but it's this beautiful sadness.
EPT
