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Tears

Blogs > StateofReverie
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StateofReverie
Profile Blog Joined July 2012
United States633 Posts
December 04 2012 06:36 GMT
#1
Um, I don't know even where to begin. So much stuff of me resurfaced that just brought back a rush of memories especially after seeing everyone's responses and how many people from all those years still are on TL. The weirdest part was that I didn't remember that long list of flames that I wrote. My memory must have supressed them and suddenly they weren't supressed anymore as old blogs resurfaced. After reading those, all those responses, and then about a 'Schizoid' personality and I was literally appalled at what my life really consisted of.

+ Show Spoiler +
Narcissism

Guntrip defines Narcissism as "a characteristic that arises out of the predominately interior life the schizoid lives. His love objects are all inside him and moreover he is greatly identified with them so that his libidinal attachments appear to be in himself. The question, however, is whether the intense inner life of the schizoid is due to a desire for hungry incorporation of external objects or due to withdrawal from the outer to a presumed safer inner world."[37] The need for attachment as a primary motivational force is as strong in the schizoid person as in any other human being. Because the schizoid's love objects are internal, he or she finds safety without connecting and attaching to objects in the real world.[36]


Sense of superiority

Guntrip observed that a sense of superiority accompanies self-sufficiency. "One has no need of other people, they can be dispensed with... There often goes with it a feeling of being different from other people."[37] The sense of superiority of the schizoid has nothing to do with the grandiose self of the narcissistic disorder. It does not find expression in the schizoid through the need to devalue or annihilate others who are perceived as offending, criticizing, shaming, or humiliating. This type of superiority was described by a young schizoid man:

"If I am superior to others, if I am above others, then I do not need others. When I say that I am above others, it does not mean that I feel better than them, it means that I am at a distance from them, a safe distance."

It is a feeling of distance rather than of superiority.[36]


Loss of affect
Further information: Affect (psychology)

Guntrip saw loss of affect as inevitable,[37] as the tremendous investment made in the self interferes with the desire and ability to be empathic and sensitive toward another person’s experience. These things often seem secondary to securing one's own defensive, safe position. The subjective experience is one of loss of affect.[36]

Some patients experience loss of affect to such a degree that the insensitivity becomes manifest in the extreme as cynicism, callousness, or even cruelty. The patient appears to have no awareness of how his or her comments or actions affect and hurt other people. This loss of affect is more frequently manifest within the patient as genuine confusion, a sense of something missing in his or her emotional life.[36]


Loneliness

Guntrip observed that the preceding characteristics result in loneliness: "Loneliness is an inescapable result of schizoid introversion and abolition of external relationships. It reveals itself in the intense longing for friendship and love which repeatedly break through. Loneliness in the midst of a crowd is the experience of the schizoid cut off from affective rapport."[37] This is a central experience of the schizoid that is often lost to the observer. Contrary to the familiar caricature of the schizoid as uncaring and cold, the vast majority of schizoid persons who become patients express at some point in their treatment their longing for friendship and love. This is not the schizoid patient as described in the DSMs. Such longing, however, may not break through except in the schizoid’s fantasy life, to which the therapist may not be allowed access for quite a long period in treatment. If longing is immediately present, however, it is more likely avoidant personality disorder.[citation needed]

There is a very narrow range of classic DSM-defined schizoids for whom the hope of establishing relationships is so minimal as to be almost extinct. The longing for closeness and attachment is almost unidentifiable to such a person. These individuals will not voluntarily become patients, as the schizoid individual who becomes a patient does so often because of the twin motivations of loneliness and longing. This type of patient believes that some kind of connection and attachment is possible and is well suited to psychotherapy. The psychotherapist, however, may approach the schizoid patient with a sense of therapeutic pessimism, if not nihilism, and may misread the patient by believing that the patient’s wariness is indifference and that caution is coldness.[36]


I think the hardest part was reading all of these abnormal things, and realizing that it was my life that really got to me. I always knew I was special, just not in this way....

Of all personality disorders , schizoid personality disorder is the least commonly diagnosed personality disorder in the general population. The prevalence is approximately one percent. It is diagnosed slightly more often in males.


I saw all of the clinical features of SPD and was shocked beyond words. Absolutely shocked.

Love and Sexuality
asexual, sometimes celibate
free of romantic interests
averse to sexual gossip and innuendo

I am putting emphasis on this one in particular because contrary to what I was thinking, I would NOT have described myself like that despite it being completely true. I was working in basically a large circle to protect my fantasy-projection of the world.

It was a struggle to read through the whole wikipedia page. There were a lot of tears because of the complete shock and loss of words I was at because this is inevitably how I had been living my life and I was under the disillusion that everything was fine.

But, in a way it was liberating. I forced myself to accept the reality of where I am right now and that this wikipedia page basically told me what was in store for me in the future. It told me that this was fixable. I told myself that I would take the rest of the night and just keep to my thoughts because I had gone through a very eye opening ordeal.

Then I caught myself, this was the viscous cycle that I had been trying to escape. It started with the very notion of being by myself, what feelings did that provoke in me and why those feelings had occurred. Instead of waiting until the next day, I decided to go outside and just talk to my friends. I dried up my tears and went outside just so I could escape the comforting loneliness that had been sweeping my thoughts night after night for weeks on end.

I let down my barriers. These people weren't trying to hurt me, that is just who they were. A question that I just couldn't answer had been swirling around in my mind for a long time and that was, how do I accept people that are different than me? You tolerate them.

After being outside for about an hour talking to people, I returned to my room. Loneliness did not greet me. For once for as long as I can remember, I was not bombarded with any thoughts of if I was accepted or not and I did not care what people thought of me as. There was peace in my mind. Just an overwhelming feeling of tranquility. I went back outside and caught up with some more friends and hung out with them because I hadn't seen them in a while.

I am just glad it is dark and my room mate can't see the tears that keep coming down my face. They are tears of hope. I didn't even sleep on this decision to change, I started immediately because I knew this was something that I needed to turn around right away. I did not want to continue living like this for one more second. The wikipedia page for SPD described my life very accurately. That was the life I had, not the life I wanted. To get the life I want, I just look at all the things on the wiki page and act the opposite of what someone with SPD would do, aka a normal person.

It is just another regular Monday night at college here for me again, but I am calm. I can close my eyes, I am simply at peace, or a state of reverie

User was banned for this post.

*
RAGEMOAR The Pope
Profile Joined February 2011
United States216 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-12-04 06:43:32
December 04 2012 06:42 GMT
#2
This has to be the longest set up for a pun. Ever.

Thousands of posts spanning multiple years. Damn son.
PassionFruit
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
294 Posts
December 04 2012 06:43 GMT
#3
Jesus Christ, please go to a professional for some help. Reading about SPD on Wikipedia is not the answer to your problems.
Jealous
Profile Blog Joined December 2011
10232 Posts
December 04 2012 06:51 GMT
#4
On December 04 2012 15:42 RAGEMOAR The Pope wrote:
This has to be the longest set up for a pun. Ever.

Thousands of posts spanning multiple years. Damn son.

Hahahaha I lol'd

On December 04 2012 15:43 PassionFruit wrote:
Jesus Christ, please go to a professional for some help. Reading about SPD on Wikipedia is not the answer to your problems.

Agreed. WebMD and Wikipedia are criminally infamous for deluding people into thinking they can figure out their own issues with any shred of subjectivity or without any previous knowledge.

What you need is a therapist, and then if they so recommend, a psychiatrist.

Source: I am trying to become a psychiatrist and I know at least this much.
"The right to vote is only the oar of the slaveship, I wanna be free." -- бум бум сучка!
Shottaz
Profile Joined December 2010
United Kingdom414 Posts
December 04 2012 07:22 GMT
#5
So you self diagnosed a mental condition on Wikipedia then cried yourself to sleep beacuse you had cured it shortly after reading about it.
Praise the sun! \o/
Carnivorous Sheep
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Baa?21244 Posts
December 04 2012 07:39 GMT
#6
What's the viscosity of your life?
TranslatorBaa!
synapse
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
China13814 Posts
December 04 2012 07:48 GMT
#7
man where do you find the time to write this shit
:)
keit
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
1584 Posts
December 04 2012 07:48 GMT
#8
Not sure you're helping yourself trying to fix what you are according to how people on the internet see you. You'd do better to seek a 3rd party like a therapist or even school counselor as a start instead of internet diagnosing yourself, which is never a good idea especially with mental issues. It really is not as simple as reading a Wikipedia page and then curing yourself by doing the opposite of what it says is wrong with you.
Graphics
phosphorylation
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2935 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-12-04 08:02:42
December 04 2012 08:01 GMT
#9
I am glad that you are having this realization. Ignore the haters and bullies here but do seek professional help.
And good luck.
Buy prints of my photographs at Redbubble -> http://www.redbubble.com/people/shoenberg3
Shady Sands
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States4021 Posts
December 04 2012 08:34 GMT
#10
Yeah, go find a therapist

Or barring that, find a girl who likes to fuck, and is willing to listen. (Sounds corny, but it works.)
Что?
Aerisky
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
United States12129 Posts
December 04 2012 08:36 GMT
#11
Best of luck yo.

And in case it hasn't been hammered into your head yet, go seek professional help that will actually be able to help you out. You are an unreliable narrator in the story of your life. Get a therapist to smack some sense into you hehe ^^
Jim while Johnny had had had had had had had; had had had had the better effect on the teacher.
Froadac
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States6733 Posts
December 04 2012 08:51 GMT
#12
SPD is much more nuanced than that. If you think you have it, talk to a trained mental health professional.
lisward
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Singapore959 Posts
December 04 2012 08:55 GMT
#13
All of your problems can be solved once you muster enough courage to you hire a professional, escort.
Opinions are like phasers -- everybody ought to have one
husniack
Profile Blog Joined January 2012
203 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-12-04 09:09:47
December 04 2012 09:02 GMT
#14
Step1: Read The Happiness Hypothesis.
Step2: Accept your parents.
marttorn
Profile Blog Joined May 2011
Norway5211 Posts
December 04 2012 09:25 GMT
#15
Then I caught myself, this was the viscous cycle


A viscous cycle; It's a cycle with a thick, sticky consistency
memes are a dish best served dank
Diglett
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
600 Posts
December 04 2012 09:30 GMT
#16
On December 04 2012 18:25 marttorn wrote:
Show nested quote +
Then I caught myself, this was the viscous cycle


A viscous cycle; It's a cycle with a thick, sticky consistency


from the tears man, from the tears!
B.I.G.
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
3251 Posts
December 04 2012 10:09 GMT
#17
DIagnosing yourself online will always end you up with the worst possible diagnosis. I stopped doing that after a recurring headache was a vicious brain tumor accordind to the interwebz.
Shady Sands
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States4021 Posts
December 04 2012 10:12 GMT
#18
On December 04 2012 18:30 Diglett wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 04 2012 18:25 marttorn wrote:
Then I caught myself, this was the viscous cycle


A viscous cycle; It's a cycle with a thick, sticky consistency


from the tears man, from the tears!

SoR I have a poem for you

Sticks and stones may break my bones--
But words can never hurt me
Except when they fly out my mouth
And return to always haunt me

Take my weed, take my life
Take me very seriously
Even though I have no vice
Except to speak stupidity

I played the fool, I played pretend
My words brought me tragedy
Wings they're not, though I intend
To try and defy gravity

Forgive my words, forget me not
I say this with all sincerity
Goodbye cruel world, I've cut the knot
Last words should rhyme in brevity.
Что?
StateofReverie
Profile Blog Joined July 2012
United States633 Posts
December 04 2012 12:27 GMT
#19
I dont need a therapist to help me think differently
Sero
Profile Joined October 2010
United States692 Posts
December 04 2012 12:57 GMT
#20
You aren't qualified to diagnose yourself with anything, and you aren't special regardless. You are fucking weird, though. So there's that, at least. *Tears*
<3 FlaSh HiyA Stats HoeJJa
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