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my girlfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me. this was 5 months ago. we lived together basically all but 3-4 of the months that we were together. i helped her move out into her grandparents house a couple weeks before she broke up with me.
she came into my room and said, "im not happy anymore. i dont want to be in a relationship right now" and she left. she'd been hanging out with new friends lately. a couple days ago i was at her grandparents house with her and we ate dinner but she barely ate because she said she wasn't feeling well, then she drove me home because she said she was really tired. on the way driving me home she got a text from her new friends to come eat with them, so she said that she was coming, dropped me off and went. i dont think she knew i saw the text. she'd never texted while driving in the car before.
she came into my room with the books that she asked to borrow to read while she was at work. they were my favorite books. she left because she said she had to go to work. i felt like in the 5 minutes that it took her to do this that the last 5 years just disappeared.
i called her a couple days later because i hadnt seen or talked to her. everything was a struggle for me, and i had been feeling like i wanted to kill myself. i was getting deep in these thoughts but my mom had called and boosted me. i asked her if we could talk. she said that she could in a couple of days after she got off of work. this wasn't very important for her.
i felt like i was falling apart. last year, my mom had her house foreclosed and moved across the country. in march, i got laid off from my job. then later in march, i got rejected from all the grad school programs that i had applied for. now in june the thing that i cherished most in life was leaving me.
we sat in her car to talk. she already knew what she was going to say. she told me. she told me that if we had stayed together then she would resent me for the rest of my life. she told me that she stopped loving me when i got laid off and didn't get into grad school and it didn't seem like i cared. i had been depressed. she told me she needed time alone.
my birthday was in a couple days. she took me to california to see a show. we were going to drive back afterwards because she had work in the morning, but we got a little mixed up and she had an anxiety attack so we decided to find a hotel & go back in the morning. the whole trip was a bad idea. all i felt was sad, because we werent together. this was all very new to me. we took some pictures but the only pictures that she put on her facebook were the ones of her alone.
i only told my mom that we had broken up. nobody else in my family knew, until my brother knew because my mom told him. i didn't think i could. maybe i thought it was only temporary.
it was only a couple months before she started seeing someone new. i dont know why we're friends on facebook but we are, and the little update that she was in a relationship so soon after with all these people saying "finally" and "its about time u made it official" put me in a really dark place.
this feeling makes me write more. i do more writing than i have before. one of her friends txts me and we have a rly long conversation about my stupid life. suddenly her friend switches the conversation towards my ex (it feels strange referring to her in this way). she tells me that she said she thought that i had moved on so she was moveing on too. this is bullshit.
in the time we were broken up i would talk to her sometimes online. she had some computer problems that i helped her fix, we talked about music. the last time i talked to her she told me that she had lost her scholarship, her student loans, that the irs was getting after her about her back-taxes, that collection agencies were calling her about her credit card bill, that she had gotten a kidney infection and was recovering from it.
i didn't know how i was supposed to feel. i felt sick because i wasnt there for her, but how could i be there for her. i said "that sucks". i told her that exercising made me feel really good since we had broken up and maybe she should try exercising more if she gets down. this conversation plays back in my head because it is gnawing away at me and it feels even worse when her friend says these things.
her friend tells me i should tell her how i feel. i know that this is a bad idea. i do it anyway.
she ignores me.
one day i go to one of the stores we used to shop together and as im about to walk in the door i see her and her new boyfriend thru the window. i quickly duck out of the way and have a panic attack. i am so pathetic, i tell myself. i regather myself and i go in. i hope that they dont see me, but i hope that they see me. we end up leaving at the same time, and her car passes me by as im getting into mine. i dont know if they saw me. i sit in my car for 5 minutes before i start it and go home.
the dreams are the worst. every night, she's in my dreams. i don't want to sleep because of it. getting ignored feels like getting punched in the gut. i remember that she always used to hang out with her ex boyfriend and talk about him when we were first dating. i remember that this continued until a couple years in when she confessed to me that she had been cheating on me with him but she decided to stop when he told her that they should get back together. he was a bastard and i had to listen to all the abuses that she suffered while she was with him. but she wont talk to me.
my brother didn't talk to me about it at all even though he knew. then the day after she got a new boyfriend he took me out to lunch and made me talk to him about it. he told me that i should keep in contact with her and all of that because one day we might get back together (she owed me money and i asked if i should ask for it back). i told him that it wouldn't happen because she was a different person now. i'd seen her and she was a different person now.
he told me i was an idiot. she's the same person, he told me. the change in her, he said, the change you see is that she's happy. goddam. what an idea.
she was the first girl that i loved. she was my best friend. i feel like there will always be a spot in my heart occupied by her. i still get into dark places whenever i see something that will remind me of her, or of things we used to do, or things we used to like. how do you move on? is that even a thing?
 
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Whoa, man... These feels I'm getting... Holy shit.
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Hopefully writing about it helps even the tiniest bit, because not much is going to help ease pain like that. I honestly don't know what I would do if my girlfriend and I broke up after our current seven year relationship.
It's supposed to hurt this bad. It means you did something right during the time you were together. It means you cared about her. It means you still care. And that's not a bad thing. It means you're human. You can't just switch off after a relationship ends. That's too easy. Relationships have risks, but they have far more benefits, which is why we keep trying and keep looking, despite bad break-ups and not having luck after x amount of time.
It's not so easy to say "Suck it up, life isn't fair, move on", but hopefully time (a lot of time) will make things easier for you. Everything you do will remind you of her, and that's natural. It's going to be tough to get through that, but you're going to need to. Eventually. It's practically masochistic, but you need to go out and live your life. It's okay to cry. It's okay to curl up into the fetal position from time to time. It's not okay to give up though.
Eventually you'll get back on your feet.
Eventually you'll get another job, or get into a higher education program, or move on to the next step in your life.
Eventually you'll meet another girl.
Eventually.
Don't ask when. Just let it happen naturally. Don't rush it; just focus on moving forwards. One day at a time.
Good luck in the future  I'm sorry you had to go through all this.
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Wow... im so sorry man. If this is all real I feel really sorry for you. I don't know what I could say because self pity won't help you at all but all I can say is fuck.
Im sorry man... we're all scared of this kind of shit, there's so many words I could say but I'm sure they'd all mean nothing to you when you feel like the part of your heart that could care is missing.
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After you got laid off and didn't get into grad school (and understandably got depressed), did she try to support you as much as possible (like any human being should do...)?
Perhaps this girl isn't as perfect as your emotions might cause you to believe she is.
Don't waste time trying to get her back - girls usually "leave" well before they actually ask for a breakup.
This is repeated ad infinitum, but the best post-breakup thing to do is to get into the best shape of your life. Be the fucking man.
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It's hard. Things that I think can help:
Structure. Keep a calendar, use it. Write down each day and almost each thing you have to do. Follow it.
Keep busy. If you have empty spaces in the calendar, fill them with something meaningful. Think about things you feel you should do, or things that are fun to do. It is a plus if it is activities that let you meet people or make social interactions.
For myself when my ex and I broke up, after a couple of months I went on a 1 week hike alone. That put things in perspective.
The important is not to "get over her" or something like that, the important is YOU and keeping yourself in a good physical and psychical shape.
You have to feel good about yourself.
Also, this is easier to do without seeing her/being reminded all the time of her. So step number one: remove her from facebook.
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Oh God, man, I read the whole thing. I relate so it is a little uncomfortable to revisit.
I am unemployed and have been for a while. My career path frankly, looks pretty bad. The person I was once seeing told me she finds this unattractive. At first I thought "blasted!" That is not how it works. You're supposed to help me work through this... a year later,i still believe if she had cared about me enough it would have not been an issue, meaning i find it was a good thing it ended.
Luckily, thankfully, the person i was seeing, after some pleading and begging, agreed to give me a piece of her mind so i could get some closure and some answers. When the bottom of the issue was reached, i realized that yes, she is a person with preferences; preferences that i do not fit. I knew it was wrong to ask her to settle for less than she wanted. (or different than what she wanted) I had to concede that her lifestyle preference is a valid reason to want to find another partner.
people want to do different things during their time. She wanted trips to europe and dining at restaurants for fun... I wanted a doobie and some colt 45 at the park with a book of verse.. well sure she's a cutie to be around, sure we learned a lot from eachother, sure it was nice to have her for companionship but none of that is worth keeping her away from what she wants in her life.
Now, Aiurz your ex had some needs that you don't seem the ideal candidate to meet. Some females want a cozy lifestyle very badly. This might mean someone who is driven for money. If you don't want to be out there job hunting your ass off everyday to make sure her bills are paid while she is sick, why not give her the freedom to find someone who can?
The "ex" (it was a bit too short to call her my girlfriend but it was deep enough to mean something to us both) who i learned my opinion on the matter from is now a non-entity in my every day life. it was a good decision. Now after almost a year, part of me can forgive her and see she meant well and did what she needs to do for herself. I think it is only decent of me to respect that. I miss some things about her and i think it is unfortunate that we don't even talk now. It had to be done considering where i was at though. If i tried to stay around, I would be attached to someone who is dating an old friend of mine.. I'd be love sick and stuck.
When i took her out of my everyday life.. it was like i not longer had my cane for a while.. but then.. i forgot i ever had a cane and now i walk without one :D. Hope you feel better AiurZ. write us some nice verse while you're hurt
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You'll never get over her 100%. If you loved her once, you will love her for life. And some small fragment of her subconscious still loves you for life. That is how you know love exists.
Small bit of family wisdom that my mom and brother say has been passed down for generations.
I can't empathize with you completely; I've never gone through anything this bad or lasted with anyone for five freaking years. Think I barely knew where to stick it back then. That being said, you tried. You really did. She tried too. But in spite of all things it didn't work out.
Maybe get a rebound girl. It might be you just need to fill that void in your heart until you can truly rebuild yourself from the ground up. It'll take time of course, but you're moving forward. And personally I believe that's the most important thing to achieve. You're moving forward with your life.
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yayayayayya ty for such kind words boost
i love all this advice. i have tried to keep as busy as i can. i started working out. im in better shape than ive ever been.
ive searched really hard for jobs. i found one at a bank, and im supposed to start in a couple of weeks once they do the background checks. i'd be making 3-4x more than i was at my old job.
ive been working on my writing. i posted some on here before, and i continue to try and change the way i write and get better. this is the most recent thing that i have written: + Show Spoiler +
even tho my job makes it so i probably cant go to school i am still applying to mfa programs while i save money and work on my writing.
truely it means so much to me that you guys would say such nice things. wow.
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I can only give you clichés that won't help.
Time heals all wounds. One day, not that far in the future, it is going to be alright. You will be able to look at her without feeling the things you felt in the past or now, hopefully you'll be able to even talk to her and be genuinely happy for her successes whatever they may be, because of course you'll keep some level of affection for her. She will even look different to you. You'll be glad you had the good times you did but also see where your relationship wasn't working.
In the meantime, as Arevail said, remove her from facebook. Do it. Don't call or message her. Don't even tell yourself that you should check how she is these days or anything like that, it's bullshit, you're just looking for a fix. When me and my ex broke up a little while ago, we worked in the same place, but at different times in the day. Sometimes I'd make excuses to myself to stay later in the day, I had paperwork to do, I was waiting for the faster train home, I was waiting for a friend to finish, just so I could be in the staff room when she arrived. I knew it was pathetic and more importantly I knew it was a fucking terrible idea, all that would happen is she'd be really overly nice to me and I'd resent her for it and be unnecessarily harsh towards her. Basically, I hung around my workplace so I could be a dick to my ex. It was lunacy, and once I forced myself to stop trying to see her, deleted her from social networking sites, deleted texts and things I'd got from her, I actually felt much better much faster.
It's really hard, and hard to hear this and understand it but very nearly everyone goes through this same thing at least once in their lives. At the time it's unbearable but once again, it will get better, suddenly or gradually I don't know, but you'll look back at this period in your life dispassionately one day and think"wow did it really hurt that much?"
The thing I always tell myself whenever I'm going through a bad time is that one day it'll be just a memory, one day I'll look back on this bullshit and think, yep, got through that, like a boss.
It's great that you're working out. Oh and also keep your friends close and spend some time with people you maybe wouldn't see that often usually; when my and my ex split up I got some great support from some very surprising places; a girl I'd slept with a couple years ago but never really hung out with after that and a friend of a friend that I used to see at a bar sometimes both took the time to talk with me and helped more than anyone else.
So anyway my sympathies. Best of luck man.
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Pretty much agree that your first love will always and forever be your first love. You will never forget it. you will never lose those feelings that you get when you see or look at her. It just wont happen if she really was your first love.
My first love was over 8 years ago and I could still describe her in detail, and think about her occasionally. Its just something that stays with you forever.
But move on, you have to. Plus I wouldnt bank on getting back together. If her feelings are strong enough to dump you after so long, it will never again be what it was like when you first got together.
Only advice i got, is advice my brother gave me when I was in the same position. Focus on yourself, and let life come to you. Get all of your shit lined up, get to a place where you love yourself. If you cant love yourself how can you expect anyone else to? Also you have to have something that makes other people want to be with you. (like success).
Good luck. Cheers. Head up and all that jazz.
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This whole story reeks of cheating like BIG TIME ! Aside from that everything I'll say will come off as too aggressive so I'll refrain from advising you.
Keep the faith.
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On November 15 2012 06:50 MaestroSC wrote:
Pretty much agree that your first love will always and forever be your first love. You will never forget it. you will never lose those feelings that you get when you see or look at her. It just wont happen if she really was your first love.
My first love was over 8 years ago and I could still describe her in detail, and think about her occasionally. Its just something that stays with you forever.
But move on, you have to. Plus I wouldnt bank on getting back together. If her feelings are strong enough to dump you after so long, it will never again be what it was like when you first got together.
Only advice i got, is advice my brother gave me when I was in the same position. Focus on yourself, and let life come to you. Get all of your shit lined up, get to a place where you love yourself. If you cant love yourself how can you expect anyone else to? Also you have to have something that makes other people want to be with you. (like success).
Good luck. Cheers. Head up and all that jazz.
Well, I was about to post a reply, but then I read this one and figured what I wanted to say had been said.
On November 15 2012 06:41 The KY wrote:I can only give you clichés that won't help. Time heals all wounds. One day, not that far in the future, it is going to be alright. You will be able to look at her without feeling the things you felt in the past or now, hopefully you'll be able to even talk to her and be genuinely happy for her successes whatever they may be, because of course you'll keep some level of affection for her. She will even look different to you. You'll be glad you had the good times you did but also see where your relationship wasn't working. In the meantime, as Arevail said, remove her from facebook. Do it. Don't call or message her. Don't even tell yourself that you should check how she is these days or anything like that, it's bullshit, you're just looking for a fix. When me and my ex broke up a little while ago, we worked in the same place, but at different times in the day. Sometimes I'd make excuses to myself to stay later in the day, I had paperwork to do, I was waiting for the faster train home, I was waiting for a friend to finish, just so I could be in the staff room when she arrived. I knew it was pathetic and more importantly I knew it was a fucking terrible idea, all that would happen is she'd be really overly nice to me and I'd resent her for it and be unnecessarily harsh towards her. Basically, I hung around my workplace so I could be a dick to my ex. It was lunacy, and once I forced myself to stop trying to see her, deleted her from social networking sites, deleted texts and things I'd got from her, I actually felt much better much faster. It's really hard, and hard to hear this and understand it but very nearly everyone goes through this same thing at least once in their lives. At the time it's unbearable but once again, it will get better, suddenly or gradually I don't know, but you'll look back at this period in your life dispassionately one day and think "wow did it really hurt that much?"The thing I always tell myself whenever I'm going through a bad time is that one day it'll be just a memory, one day I'll look back on this bullshit and think, yep, got through that, like a boss. It's great that you're working out. Oh and also keep your friends close and spend some time with people you maybe wouldn't see that often usually; when my and my ex split up I got some great support from some very surprising places; a girl I'd slept with a couple years ago but never really hung out with after that and a friend of a friend that I used to see at a bar sometimes both took the time to talk with me and helped more than anyone else. So anyway my sympathies. Best of luck man.
This guy too. God damn there is a lot of good advice in this blog. Cliches or not cliches, what this dude said was pretty much spot on.
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always sucks to get your heart broken. You probable don't see it now, but you'll get back on your feet. Time usually does the trick.
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girl blog of the year.
This made me really sad, you sound really sad in your writing.
I hope you figure things out. I felt bad for you losing your relationship until I read you started the relationship with her cheating on you. Maybe this is a good thing, and the best for you. You shoulda broke it off there. I can't say it any better than the people above.
Work on being happy alone before you go to fill the void. Someone better will come, you deserve better bro.
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Thanks for this. I've never been in your situation that badly so I can't really give you advise but I wish you the best of luck. Try to stay strong
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Honestly, she might haunt you for the rest of your life. Even when you think you've moved on, there might be moments randomly when you think back to her, but I hope you can move on soon. From what I read, you were a very loyal boyfriend to her while she's been stabbing you in the back. You deserve better, really. And the fact that she didn't love you anymore because of your situation of getting laid off and not getting into grad school just shows how little she cared for you. Instead of her being there and supporting you, she left. That's messed up. By the way, get your money back.
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On November 15 2012 08:06 Mementoss wrote:
girl blog of the year.
This made me really sad, you sound really sad in your writing.
I hope you figure things out. I felt bad for you losing your relationship until I read you started the relationship with her cheating on you. Maybe this is a good thing, and the best for you. You shoulda broke it off there. I can't say it any better than the people above.
Work on being happy alone before you go to fill the void. Someone better will come, you deserve better bro.
Can I just say those might be the best fucking words I've ever read in a girl blog about relationships? Seriously bro, those are some deep words.
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On November 15 2012 08:19 il0seonpurpose wrote:
the fact that she didn't love you anymore because of your situation of getting laid off and not getting into grad school just shows how little she cared for you. Instead of her being there and supporting you, she left. That's messed up.
Basically my thoughts on it. If she isn't willing to go through thick and think, then she isn't someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
That said, my deepest condolences. I can't imagine the pain you're going through. Stay strong man, you are NOT pathetic. You're human.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/M8vlX.png)
