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Chapter One -- Stockings full of Coal
They say that when people get older, they don't look forward to birthdays as much anymore. Maybe it's because by then the presents no longer make sense--you can get a kid his favorite toy or action figure, but when you're thirty nobody's going to give you a Bugatti. That's why I consider myself lucky. I won't pretend that getting shot was the greatest birthday gift, but maybe after you read this, I can persuade you that it was better than most.
It was the late 90s in China. It was the time when ernai, or mistresses, were just getting popular and you could still get a decent dinner and a clean hotel room for 20 USD a night. It was back when lots of Chinese people still called themselves ridiculous English names that were plainly made up.
Those heels--god, those heels. He still remembered how Eileen Mao used to stomp around the office in them, before she'd dropped her country girl habits and learned how to walk like a proper secretary.
It had been her first week on the job. Later, she'd traded those clickety-clack black stilettos and twenty-three thousand in plastic surgery for a Green Card and a house on Long Island and a Nantucket husband--or maybe it was a house on Nantucket and a husband from Long Island. Zhang Shenghan didn't remember. But anyhow, what he did remember was the cheap office tea, and the way those heels would leave indents on the imitation hardwood laminate.
She knocked on his door, once, twice. In her hand she held a manila envelope. He coughed behind her and she turned around. She looked surprised for a second, then smiled, hard. Back then, she thought he had potential, so she liked him.
"Director Zhang! How was your vacation?"
"It got cut short." She had an awkward expression, as if she wanted to apologize, but didn't know how to say the right thing. He picked up the slack in the conversation. "What's up?"
Her voice hesitated a little. "There was an accident at Tucheng last night." She subconsciously clutched the folder even more tightly in her hands. "These are for you."
He made no effort to take the files. "Have you read it yet?"
She blushed. "No." Then she brushed a stray bang off her forehead. "Well, I mean, uh--everyone knows about the accident, so it wasn't too hard to guess." She thrust her hands out in a choppy movement.
He began to thumb through docs. A few photographs, grainy--emergency services personnel attempting CPR on a dead body; another guy lying on a hospital bed, half the man he used to be, everything below the waist covered by a white sheet, as flat as the Mongolian steppes.
He asked her who told her.
"Director Li."
"And?"
She looked down for a moment. "Well, he said something about how the company is going downhill because--"
He chuckled and finished her sentence for her. "--Because no one is stepping up around here, right?" Zhang handed the empty folder back to her. "Director Li should be giving this to Boss Wang in person. Why does he need a flunkey like me to do it?"
She took the envelope and did that helpless deer-in-the-headlights look all white-collar kids around the world learn on day one. "I thought the files were for you?"
He phrased the next question as a statement. "How long have you been here."
"A week."
He leaned over, put a hand on her shoulder. "Let me tell you a big secret. The boss will give you only one first impression." Then he stepped back a little. "Save it for some good news."
She pursed her lips slightly, then left. As her click-click-click retreated down the hall, Zhang thumbed through the folder some more and took in a deep breath. Methyl Isocyanate? What the fuck?
Zhang swore under his breath, then muttered: "Yeah, even though some of us don't know it yet, we all work for Old One-Arm around here..."
A voice from inside the office: "Come in!"
He pushed the door open and immediately shut it behind himself.
Finishing the first chapter...
  
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I found a few awkward parts if you don't mind me stepping in as acting editor.
He began to thumb through docs.
This feels haphazard. You render the other imagery so well that it would be a shame not to edit this into something more professional.
She took the files did that helpless-deer-in-the-headlights look all white-collar kids around the world learn on day one.
He leaned over, put a hand on her shoulder. "Let me tell you a big secret. The boss will give you only one first impression." Then I stepped back a little. "Save it for some good news."
He -> I? If this was intentional as a stylistic element, it reads muddily. Perhaps "Then he stepped back a little."
A voice from inside the office: "Come in!"
This also reads awkwardly. It looks and reads like a formatting change. First you are writing in prose and then you switch to a kind of play script for this line, and then switch back to prose.
It's not that I don't like it, I do like it. It seems interesting. The starting paragraph got me to read the rest, which is good. Good luck and continue in your creative efforts!
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On July 22 2012 11:51 hp.Shell wrote:I found a few awkward parts if you don't mind me stepping in as acting editor. This feels haphazard. You render the other imagery so well that it would be a shame not to edit this into something more professional. Show nested quote +She took the files did that helpless-deer-in-the-headlights look all white-collar kids around the world learn on day one. Show nested quote +He leaned over, put a hand on her shoulder. "Let me tell you a big secret. The boss will give you only one first impression." Then I stepped back a little. "Save it for some good news." He -> I? If this was intentional as a stylistic element, it reads muddily. Perhaps "Then he stepped back a little." This also reads awkwardly. It looks and reads like a formatting change. First you are writing in prose and then you switch to a kind of play script for this line, and then switch back to prose.
It's not that I don't like it, I do like it. It seems interesting. The starting paragraph got me to read the rest, which is good. Good luck and continue in your creative efforts!
Thanks man--fixed the PoV error. As for the format--I'm trying to write the whole story in a script-ish manner, as a personal challenge.
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it has a strange perspective. is the narrator in the opening zhang shenghan? if he is, why does it switch from first person to third person? if he isn't, then how does the narrator know what's going on in the room if it appears that there's only two people in the room, zhang shenghan and eileen mao?
not just that, but because of the time differences i think you get a little mixed up yourself. the paragraph that starts with "it had been her first week on the job" is particularly confusing, because the way the story is being narrated doesn't give the reader very much differentiation between past-zhang and present-zhang, so when i read present-zhang remembering and not remembering, i get confused which zhang we're talking about. it's not much, but it's enough to take away from my immersion and get me thinking about what the hell is going on. i understand there's a specific voice that you are going for, but don't sacrifice the readers immersion for style. if anything, the style should help immerse the reader.
the opening of the scene (her knocking on the door, him being behind her) was kind of weird to me because i wasn't sure where the players were, and we kind of dive in head-first. in terms of time-line i don't know how much i like the bit about her thinking he has potential, because zhang is supposed to be returning from vacation and it is eileen's first week (although this could be a language thing, maybe vacation is used in a different sense in china).
some details i didn't like very much, like eileen "subconsciously clutch[ing] the folder even more tightly in her hands". i think the misstep here is using "subconsciously". i think there's a better way to say it.
another detail: the picture of the response team performing CPR. we're not told what exactly zhang does or what these pictures are or what the file is for, but typically you don't see photographs like this. also, the inclusion of performing cpr on a "dead" man is too much, because it's strange that zhang would know that he was dead at that point.
"i thought the files were for you?" isn't really a question. feels weird.
thought it was strange that you make the distinction that zhang hands the files back to eileen, then have her exit the room, and then zhang begins to go through the files some more. somewhere along the way we lost the files, and i feel like if you start the scene making a big deal about whos hands the files are in that you should continue the scene as such.
this is very good. as a smaller part of a larger work it tries to hook into the reader which is what you want to do, and it feels stylistically on point. just make sure you stay focused and concentrate on what you're doing with words when you're editing (like some of the stuff i pointed out) and you'll be fine. you've left me wanting more, and that's about as good as you can do with a story.
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Okay. I'm going to go and make this FPOV. There are two ways to write a story like this:
1) as a screenplay
2) a FPOV story.
the second is much easier (a screenplay is basically the most technically challenging of writing and which I have no grasp of.)
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Chapter One -- Stockings full of Coal
They say that when people get older, they don't look forward to birthdays as much anymore. Maybe it's because by then the presents no longer make sense--you can get a kid his favorite toy or action figure, but when you're thirty nobody's going to give you a Bugatti. That's why I consider myself lucky. I won't pretend that getting shot was the greatest birthday gift, but maybe after you read this, I can persuade you that it was better than most.
It was the late 90s in China. It was the time when ernai, or mistresses, were just getting popular and you could still get a decent dinner and a clean hotel room for 20 USD a night. It was back when lots of Chinese people still called themselves ridiculous English names that were plainly made up.
Those heels--god, those heels. I still remembered how Eileen Mao used to stomp around the office in them, before she'd dropped her country girl habits and learned how to walk like a proper secretary.
It had been her first week on the job. Later, she'd traded those clickety-clack black stilettos and twenty-three thousand in plastic surgery for a Green Card and a house on Long Island and a Nantucket husband--or maybe it was a house on Nantucket and a husband from Long Island. I don't remember. But anyhow, what I do remember was the cheap office tea, and the way those heels would leave indents on the imitation hardwood laminate.
She knocked on my door, once, twice. In her hand she held a manila envelope. I coughed behind her and she turned around. She looked surprised for a second, then smiled, hard. Back then, she thought I had potential, so she liked me.
"Director Zhang! How was your vacation?"
"It got cut short." She had an awkward expression, as if she wanted to apologize, but didn't know how to say the right thing. I picked up the slack in the conversation. "What's up?"
Her voice hesitated a little. "There was an accident at Tucheng last night." She subconsciously clutched the folder even more tightly in her hands. "These are for you."
An accident. Shit, I thought. Just what we needed. I took the files out of her grasp, in the process brushing against her ample chest. She smiled, a little embarrassed but a little proud of her very non-Asian cleavage.
I began to thumb through docs. A few photographs, grainy--emergency services personnel attempting CPR on a dead body; another guy lying on a hospital bed, half the man he used to be, everything below the waist covered by a white sheet, as flat as the Mongolian steppes. I asked who told her.
"Director Li."
"And?"
She looked down for a moment. "Well, he said something about how the company is going downhill because--"
I chuckled and finished her sentence for her. "--Because no one is stepping up around here, right?" I handed the empty folder back to her. "Director Li should be giving this to Boss Wang in person. Why does he need a flunkey like me to do it?"
She took the envelope and did that helpless deer-in-the-headlights look all white-collar kids around the world learn on day one. "I thought the files were for you?"
I phrased the next question as a statement. "How long have you been here."
"A week."
I leaned over, put a hand on her shoulder. "Let me tell you a big secret. The boss will give you only one first impression." Then I stepped back a little. "Save it for some good news."
She pursed her lips slightly, then left. As her click-click-click retreated down the hall, I thumbed through the folder some more and took in a deep breath. Methyl Isocyanate? What the fuck?
It was then that I remembered what Director Li had told me on my first day on the job. "Yeah, even though some of us don't know it yet, we all work for Old One-Arm around here..."
A voice from inside the office: "Come in!"
I pushed the door open and immediately shut it behind myself.
Wang Baosen sat in my chair. In his black suit and black open-collared shirt, he looked like a Chinese version of Tony Soprano, except for the soft rimless Prada glasses that seemed to grow out his bulbous nose. When he hung up the phone, he was grinning from ear to ear. An odd expression, I thought, for someone whose chemicals plant had nearly exploded. He motioned for me to sit.
I held up the manila envelope and asked if this was why. He laughed.
"I wanted to give you a surprise. A welcome-back gift for calling you in early from your vacation."
I replied with mock appreciation. "Thanks for the time off. It was very relaxing."
Boss Wang took it in stride. "And I can tell. Bloodshot eyes, wrinkles before age 30, the whole nine yards. Bet you took the redeye out of Hainan. You should slow down, otherwise you might look like me once you're 50."
More deadpan from me. "As long as I don't like that when I'm 40, I'll count it as a win."
More laughter from Wang. "I like your style. Stiff upper lip, as the Brits say. You're going to need it."
I took out a notebook and assumed my old journalists' posture. Baosen shook his head.
"No, no. No need to take notes. Just listen." I put down the notebook. "The Asia head of American Bromide is visiting for three days, starting tomorrow. Li's already handling the site visit, but I want you to make sure your friends in the press know nothing about the accident when they come to cover the deal."
I shrugged. "Could be hard. People died."
Boss Wang shrugged right back. "And so what? People die in the hospital every day, no one writes a story about them. My point is, if no one can tie those back to us, then we're in the clear."
I smiled, nodded. There was work to do.
The hallway of a large apartment block, so concrete and bare I could smell it. Sunlight streamed in through a grimy window. Next to the window there was an elevator, and next to that, a stairwell. I put the Gu brothers up the stairs, out of sight.
Beyond the steps there was a door with a giant red Double Happiness character on it. Newlyweds, I thought. Just my luck. I leaned on the wall that marked the end of the hallway, just beyond the recent widow's door. I held up a newspaper in my left hand, hoping it would hide the brown bag of 100,000 renminbi I held in my right.
Gu the Younger spoke up. "Why don't I hold the money for you?"
I shook my head and whispered a no. Gu kept talking. Even though his brother was an idiot too, at least Gu the Elder was a mute.
"But then you could shake her hand."
I spoke up in a slightly more annoyed whisper. "If she doesn't see the money in my hand, she might think we're here to kidnap her."
"Hmmm.... didn't that work on the last job?"
"No. We're not doing that again." The others had all cooperated this time, even the parents who'd lost a son. I didn't want to break a clean record. Gu the younger hated these migrant workers, ever since one of them had cut up his wife trying to rob her, so he didn't have any such scruples.
"Okay, okay." A beat. "Hey, she doesn't have a kid, does she?"
I rolled my eyes. "No. For the last time, Gu, no."
A ding from the elevator. I told the Gu's to get ready. The doors opened, revealing a short, thin woman with a tomboy haircut. She wore a black blouse, blue jeans, and a quiet look of grief. She looked down and walked quickly. Upon passing the stairs, she saw my shoes and looked up, stopping, as if hit by a bullet.
She attempted to turn around and leave, but at this point, two men stepped out from the stairwell, blocking her path. One was average built, wearing a cheap suit and a bad haircut. The other was taller, muscle-bound, with vigorous facial features; he wore a polo shirt and jeans. It was hard to tell which one of them had been adopted, since both of their parents were dead. War orphans.
The woman turned back to face me, her expression quickly morphing from grief to contempt. I spoke up, sheepishly:
"I'm Zhang Shenghan, and these are my associates. We're here on behalf of Jia-Li Group to express our condolences for--" I glanced at the marriage symbol on the door "--your husband's unfortunate passing. Can we chat inside?"
She sneered with contempt. "I know who you are. You guys murdered my husband."
I smiled apologetically. "I understand you may be feeling hurt from recent events. Jia-Li Group believes in fulfilling its social responsibilities and that's why we're here. It'll be easier for everyone if we spoke about this in private." I nodded towards Big Gu.
The elder brother, arms still folded, elbowed her in the small of the back, hard, towards the door. A look of primal fear crossed her face, the fear of a single woman surrounded by three strange men. I took the cue and backed up a little, then held up the envelope with money.
"Don't worry, we're here to help you."
Her expression defaulted back to hatred, but she was now fumbling in her purse. She found her keys and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Sometimes I really hate my job.
What do you guys think? Do you like the first person narrative structure, or do you think I should switch back to 3rd person?
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Quick summary of the script I've written (and which the short story will follow)
Scene I Present
-Shooting/Stage scene
-Monologue
Scene II 2 wks prior
-Hallway/Bribe Scene
-Insults
-AFW takes the $
Scene III 2 wks prior
-Office/Baosen Congratulations
-Baosen explains the American Bromide visit and coverup plan, gives ZSH a dossier of basic facts about the incident for spin control purposes
-Clue: HCl, Red Phosphorus, Ephedrine residue found at the scene
Scene IV
-Party scene/Dancers
-Drunk convo
-2 cluse: WBS intros ZSH to Province Chief; Hugs to find out undercover agents
End Movie Set-up, begin main plot
Scene V
-Hotel/lovers
-ZSH takes CEO home, meets GX
-Initially icy but quickly turns warm
-GX lies to ZSH, says she is here as a tourist
Scene VI
-ZSH visits hospital
-Runs into GX; it looks like ZSH is there to visit wounded factory workers, but in reality he is visiting his dad
-Takes GX home for dinner
Scene VII
-ZSH and GX reminisce/rekindle love
-Dinner scene, backstory explained (college love story)
Scene VIII 3 days prior
-ZSH and GX wake up in bed
-Joke about how they used to spend the entire weekend in bed and now they're doing it again
-GX steals ZSHs files on industrial accident
Scene IX
-Negotiations
-Discussions regarding market potential of JV
-Li/ZSH face off; Li's subsidiary is the biggest earner, but ZSH is doing the CYA for Li's accident
-WBS nurtures conflict
-Scene ends w/ breaking news on accident; someone has leaked it
Scene X
-Office/Baosen
-WBS tells ZSH that the traitor is Li, assigns him to deal with it
-WBS also drops a note of concern for ZSH's father, which ZSH shrugs at
-Clue: WBS quickly shoved a bunch of files into his desk drawer moments before ZSH came into the office
Scene XI
-Torture/Dancing
-One side of stage is dancers and someone singing an innocent Chinese song like The Moon Represents My Heart, entertaining WBS and the American Bromide CEO
-The other side of stage is silent with ZSH and Gu torturing the crap out of Li
-Gu gives ZSH a gun to mock execute Li just as the song ends on the other side of stage
-Turns out the gun is loaded; Li dies. Gu accidentally reveals that Li is the illegitimate son of the province chief.
-As Gu wonders aloud how they will get out of the mess, ZSH shoots him and stages a suicide (using the LR hands question)
Scene XII
-Grace's hotel room
-ZSH visits GX unannounced. GX cannot hide her files in time
-ZSH offers her tickets back to America in exchange for the files on the incident
-GX and ZSH argue about love and morality. ZSH resolves situation by taking GX to see his father
Scene XIII
-Hospital bedside of ZSH's dad
-ZSH shows GX that the reason he's working PR is because he needs to pay his dad's medical bills; that's why he can't run away from China with her
-GX is touched and agrees to hand the files back to ZSH
-Just as they're about to leave, ZSH spots Ephedrine as one of the drugs they're giving his father. He remembers it from the chem residue list... flags the night shift med student and asks her what the chems are for. The med student cheerfully replies that Red Phosphorus and HCl can be mixed with Ephedrine to make Methamphetamine.
-ZSH and GX exchange glances and hurry to the office.
End Main plot, begin resolutions/climax
Scene XIV
-Office/Baosen
-In WBS Office, ZSH finds the hidden files in drawer, and finds out WBS and Li's subsidiary had been making lots of Meth on the side. WBS used Li's status as illegitimate son to blackmail province chiefl. WBS then decided to go legit by ordering Li to shut off the production through killing everyone involved.
-WBS arrives; GX runs away and hides (is not seen by WBS). WBS reveals he decided to throw Li under the bus when the news leaked; he gave Gu a loaded gun instead of an unloaded one, then planned having Gu save himself by testifying against ZSH, pinning all the blame on ZSH and gaining favor in the province (making lemonade out of the sour situation.)
-WBS then talks about how ZSH's own father first came up with the idea to make Meth, back in the 1993-94 Chinese recession.
-ZSH and WBS have heavy debate, lots of philosophy tossed around (if you dont play the game, the game plays you; at the right time and the right place, they're capable of anything; etc.)
-Scene ends with ZSH referencing the hugs line, saying he will win because WBS didn't hug him. WBS doesn't get it
Scene XV
-Final scene, returns to Scene I
-AFW shoots ZSH right as he is about to reveal the truth to the assembled press; she is in turn shot by police at the scene
-GX rushes to ZSH's side, saying that she wanted to celebrate ZSH's birthday with him/crying hysterically; ZSH gives her the tape of his convo with WBS, telling her that all that is good in him is within the tape, and all that is evil within him is spilling out on the floor
-Scene fades to black with ZSH's fate unknown
Scene XVI (optional, can cut if more serious ending is desired)
-Epilogue
-ZSH stands in front of an empty stage as lights go on one at a time behind him, revealing the fates of WBS and GX
-WBS is executed by a very angry Provincial Chief
-GX becomes bureau chief, with ZSH as one of her leading columnists
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I think that you're an amazing storyteller. The writing is really nothing special though. It's your ability to tell an interesting story, that I feel is carrying you in these blogs. Also, IMO, you should keep the first person POV, it makes the story feel so much more personal.
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On September 11 2012 17:18 Elvex wrote:
I think that you're an amazing storyteller. The writing is really nothing special though. It's your ability to tell an interesting story, that I feel is carrying you in these blogs. Also, IMO, you should keep the first person POV, it makes the story feel so much more personal.
Thanks. I'll agree, my prose is pretty stupid at times, and I'm still working on how to make it sound... right. Appreciate the feedback and hope the next parts are up to snuff.
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A snippet from Scene XI:
(Song draws to a close, lights brighten on the LEFT of the stage. Gu can be seen whispering something into ZSH's ear, then handing him a semi-automatic pistol. ZSH places the pistol against the back of Li's skull, and pulls the trigger. Both men visibly flinch as the gun fires; the recoil nearly drives the pistol butt back into ZSH's face. Li slumps forward, his off-balance weight toppling the chair sideways with him, nearly crashing into Gu's legs. Blood pours from the back of Li's skull. Gu and ZSH stand there, dumbly, for a moment.)
ZSH: I thought you said the gun was unloaded!
(It takes Gu a moment to respond.)
Gu (hestitantly, with rising hysteria in his voice): The... the... gun was unloaded. You have to believe me. When Baosen gave it to... (Gu squats down and begins to cry over Li's body, pawing at it gently, as if trying to bring it back to life.)
(ZSH looks down at the gun. He pulls back the breech and sees that another round is chambered. Then he looks back over at Gu.)
ZSH: You sit at home playing Counter-Strike all day, and you can't even tell if a gun is loaded or not?
Gu: I... I'm so sorry. I honestly didn't know. (beat) We're screwed. We're really screwed... Li's the son of the mayor... oh God...
ZSH: The mayor? I thought the mayor only had a daughter--
Gu (looks up, cuts ZSH off): The mayor... he had an illegitimate kid... Li's a bastard... that's why Baosen gave him the job...
(It is now ZSH's turn to show fear. He stands there, blankly.)
Gu: Listen... I'm sure Baosen will cover for us. Make this... look like an accident... (Gu takes out a cigarette with trembling fingers, but his shaking fingers drop the cigarette on the ground, where it promptly becomes soaked in blood.)
(ZSH shakes his head slowly, then suddenly stops, blinks. His expression turns thoughtful. Gu does not notice--he is trying to dig another cigarette out of the pack with his right hand.)
ZSH: Gu... it's okay. Gu... are you a righty or a lefty?
(Gu looks up, momentarily confused. ZSH squats down on his right side. He pulls out a cigarette from the pack in Gu's left hand, then puts the pack down on the ground.)
Gu: Huh?
ZSH: Are you right or left-handed?
Gu: I'm right-handed, why?
(Before Gu has even finished his sentence, in one smooth motion, ZSH nudges the pistol under Gu's right cheekbone and fires. Gu immediately jerks back and keels over. ZSH rubs the powder residue on the back of his right hand against the back of Gu's right hand, uses Gu's jacket to wipe the gun down, and places the pistol in Gu's right hand. Then he stands, turns, and exits, stage left.)
(Gu and Li lie on the ground, dead. Lights fade out.)
END SCENE XI
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EPT
