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I have been trying to take more independent action lately. I have been subtly resisting parents. I decided i would not complain about not being able to make decisions without trying.
I said "I'm going to store with x & y" instead of asking. Managed to prevail.
I get home, finish a paper. Mom asks if I have any HW due. I said "i'll get it done, I know what I have"
Big mistake.
Anyways, at dinner she was basically venting about incompetent office staff by yelling at me. I asked her to stop civilly, she took it as a big offense, and says that she can't help her mom with her medical issues if she can't yell uninhibitedly at me.
After ad hominem attacks she said she is living because her son obviously doesn't care or appreciate what she does. I made mistake of saying I'm better than a lot of people.
"I don't caere you could be worse. I care you could be better. I can't stand it anymore"
So then she threatens to leave and is now sitting on cough watching a documentary and glaring at me.
What to do :|
 
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when your mom vents to you about work you should accept it listen nicely and wait for it to be over. Don't be an asshole to your mom after she had a bad day at work and trys to relate to you more.
Go right now and sit next to her and watch the documentary with her and talk about it to her in the commercial breaks.
These are the things you learn. You need to be independent its how you become an adult but you also need compassion and understanding. your family should be the most important thing to you.
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Yeah from personal experience, when mom/girlfriend vent about something you dont really care about, whether your listening or not, just nod, act as if you care.
Being independent is not only about doing things on your ow, it's also about not upsetting family/people around you by being insensitive.
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On February 14 2012 16:08 sermokala wrote:
when your mom vents to you about work you should accept it listen nicely and wait for it to be over. Don't be an asshole to your mom after she had a bad day at work and trys to relate to you more.
Go right now and sit next to her and watch the documentary with her and talk about it to her in the commercial breaks.
These are the things you learn. You need to be independent its how you become an adult but you also need compassion and understanding. your family should be the most important thing to you.
I agree with this man. You have plenty of time to be an adult and make your own decisions but you'll never be a kid in your parent's house again. In fact I never got really close to either of my parents or step parents until I realized this fact, now I talk to each one of them at least once a week on the phone.
Enjoy your time with her while you have it. Sit and listen to her complain about her day. How many times has she sat down and discussed a shitty day of yours with you?
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She rarely will talk to me if I have a bad day, but generally my bad days aren't even that bad. Generally I let it go, but today it was especially bad. Just yelling for over an hour about how office staff is incompetent.
It happens just about every day :| I backed off when I realized the mistake, but there was really no turning back :/
How should I remedy it at this point :/
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ok heres an easy thing to do. so valentines day is coming up right? right after it chocolate and rose's are cheap as dirt. get her a dozen red or white rose's for like 4 bucks and a sack of chocolate for 6ish. she'll love you for it and you're relationship will be a lot better for it. having a good relationship with your mom is a really hard thing to do but its completly worth it.
aka when you have girl problems you can just call her for advice and everything will be simple again. also you can talk to her when you feel down and she'll make it better.
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So cheesy it might just work.
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Mayne nigga you a senior in HS, junior?? Get to college already, be free brah.
User was temp banned for this post.
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do not bow to women taking you as an emotional hostage. be a man instead and tell her to respect you if she wants your mutual respect for whatever she is going through. you do not respect a woman by nodding to everything she says while you dont care. you do respect her if you listen closely and afterwards try to enhance her views by adding yours, even if that means you could disagree with her. every single advice in this blog so far has been cowardly, forged through years of dependence from mommies' role of nurturer and caretaker and girls depriving you of pussy to the point where you just do whatever it takes to get it again.
corporate interest made men believe women are not to come by with reason and logic, so instead you buy their unnecessary shit to comfort them in a world made of overpriced flowers and nasty cacao products, often coming mixed with alcohol so there'd be a direct gratification for the male purchaser in form of teary-eyed, overly emotional make up sex. this way you undermine the very sense of the feminist movement, to take women seriously, resulting in a drawback to get them to be the emotionally weak persons like they are depicted and even promoted in modern western hemisphere culture, as the excessively for attention longing beings who are only satisfied by self-stirred drama and the later mating ritual to reassure you of your before lost masculinity again.
+ Show Spoiler +not all women are like that of course, but its just too much fun to write shit without making much sense at all.
User was temp banned for this post.
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On February 14 2012 17:04 [DUF]MethodMan wrote:do not bow to women taking you as an emotional hostage. be a man instead and tell her to respect you if she wants your mutual respect for whatever she is going through. you do not respect a woman by nodding to everything she says while you dont care. you do respect her if you listen closely and afterwards try to enhance her views by adding yours, even if that means you could disagree with her. every single advice in this blog so far has been cowardly, forged through years of dependence from mommies' role of nurturer and caretaker and girls depriving you of pussy to the point where you just do whatever it takes to get it again. corporate interest made men believe women are not to come by with reason and logic, so instead you buy their unnecessary shit to comfort them in a world made of overpriced flowers and nasty cacao products, often coming mixed with alcohol so there'd be a direct gratification for the male purchaser in form of teary-eyed, overly emotional make up sex. this way you undermine the very sense of the feminist movement, to take women seriously, resulting in a drawback to get them to be the emotionally weak persons like they are depicted and even promoted in modern western hemisphere culture, as the excessively for attention longing beings who are only satisfied by self-stirred drama and the later mating ritual to reassure you of your before lost masculinity again. + Show Spoiler +not all women are like that of course, but its just too much fun to write shit without making much sense at all.
Don't listen to this guy please.
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Ugh I know what you feel, my mom goes batshit crazy all the time, except she vents about her husband aka my dad being the worst person on the planet yet she hasn't filed divorce yet. While my dad vents about my mom being the most irrational being on the planet.
What I've taken from it is to just hide until they start picking themselves as targets instead of me. Leaves me out of their negative picture and lets them focus on fixing stuff instead of just venting and leaving me behind depressed.
Anyway that is besides the point. Yes you should listen to her venting about work, but you should just tell her to relax and not yell. Besides, if you don't mind me asking, where is the dad in this picture? Last time I checked he's the one who is supposed to take the role of making sure the wife is okay and comfort her. My dad has been an evasive dick for the last 20 years so nothing really gets talked about leaving only mindless venting being slammed at the innocent bystanders, but I wonder where yours comes into the picture. If he is pulling the same stuff as mine, you might want to confront him about it.
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It's a difficult situation. On one hand, your mom had a bad day, and she needs to vent to someone. You are a convenient ear, and so you got volunteered. She is your mother, and one could argue that she deserves the support. On the other hand, it sounds like you really dislike being yelled at, which is your prerogative, no matter the situation.
First things first, you need to calm her down, and let her know that you still support her. Just sitting with her and watching the documentary is a good idea. Don't bother trying to discuss it while she is still mad, it won't do either of you any good. After she has calmed down, explain that you are more than happy to listen to her, but that you will not accept being yelled at. Make sure you phrase this appropriately. Assertive, but not aggressive.
It is going to be difficult, because what you are trying to do is making your mother acknowledge you as an adult, and for someone that has known you for so long as a child, it is very hard to do. She will take some time to come around. You need to ensure that you make it plain that you love and respect her, but that you are your own person, with your own opinions that might not agree with hers. It's a delicate balance, and very difficult while still living at home.
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She's your mother, who raised and cared for you your whole life. Surely you can't begrudge her a little patience and understanding to help her through a bad day. I would bet that the effort involved pales significantly in comparison to the sacrifices she has made on your behalf throughout your life. Do whatever the hell it takes to make her life a little easier. Putting others ahead of yourself is part of the responsibility-assuming process that you are boasting about and an important part of becoming an adult.
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On February 14 2012 16:02 Froadac wrote:
I have been trying to take more independent action lately. I have been subtly resisting parents. I decided i would not complain about not being able to make decisions without trying.
First, I think it is a very important thing to establish your own agency. This is a very important part of growing up. You have the right idea.
However, perhaps "subtle resistance" is not the best strategy. What you may perceive as subtle resistance might be read as stubbornness or insubordination by your mom, and make her aggravated. Since the ultimate goal is not to aggravate her, but rather to make her respect you as someone who is growing up and taking on more adult responsibility, this would be counterproductive.
Rather than declare your boundaries in an adversarial way, which makes your mom feel as though you are rejecting her parenting, try to grow into them. Try to keep in mind that the tone you use when you are doing this is probably the single most important factor. Be respectful!
After ad hominem attacks she said she is living because her son obviously doesn't care or appreciate what she does.
The strategy here is to extract the anger out of what she is saying, and then try to figure out why she's feeling the anger that's making her say things like this, and figure out how you can help fix whatever problem that is. In her view, what does she do? What things do you do that make her feel (justly or not) that you don't care? How can you fix the problem is such a way that everybody gets what they want?
It also sounds like your mom is having a stressful time. You have to respect her, but she also has to respect you. It's not fair for you to feel like she's taking this out on you. Find a time when everybody's calm, sometime when she's not currently yelling at you and, step a) tell her you love her, step b) tell her that you don't like it when she yells at you. The key here is to bring it up when everybody's calm, and then she'll feel bad that she was yelling at you. In the moment she'll feel justified and it just turns into an arms race.
"I don't caere you could be worse. I care you could be better. I can't stand it anymore"
So if we de-angerize this it turns into: "I love you and I want you to succeed and I'm worried about your future." Your goals are to make her feel that a) you love her too, b) you are kicking life's ass, and c) everything's gonna be great.
GLHF
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Lot's of really great advice in this thread  Hope you can put it to use! This advice is really helpful to me as well ^^
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Try talking to your mum about her problems. You can't solve any of them, but it at least deters your mum throwing all her work problems upon you.
Random question, and i don't mean to prod into touchy personal matter either, + Show Spoiler +but i think your mum might be depressed due to something. Because the "doesn't care or appreciate what she does" part kinda hints at it. I don't believe anyone would flip out like that even on bad days without other reasons. She may not have any other support (spouse / friends / work / etc). In that case, you may need to be her support group yourself. It might suck, but it'll reduce the tension in the house, and having a nice relationship with your mum is actually super nice, especially when you grow up and move out. Moms make excellent friends.
speaking of which, "So then she threatens to leave ( as in just pack up and leave your family, if i'm interpreting it correctly)," also screams depression/marital problems, etc. You might want to suggest a counselor/psychologist, especially if you aren't good at/can't talk to your mum about her problems yourself. Try to judge the situation though. This might be normal for your mom (females tend to exaggerate when angry) so.... eh.
i'm guessing something relationship-wise is up since valentine's day is coming up. so ehhh sorry if i'm pulling things from nowhere. didn't mean to be intrusive. :S tl;dr: apologize and talk, if it's something bigger than you, make sure she gets help somehow
Anyway, even though you were in the right, and didn't do anything wrong, you should apologize and try talking to your mum. sam!zdat and sermokola and Ragnarak gave excellent advice. i've actually done the cheesy valentines day gift to mom thing. haha
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Also, she's your mom. I don't know what kind of mom she's been to you your whole life, but she brought you into the world man. In life, most often you get respect when you show respect. But when it's come to my parents, I believe that treating them with respect all the time is a non-negotiable. Sure, there will be arguments and disagreements from time to time, but life happens to them just as much (if not more than) as us. So go make her some tea or something, apologize, and be nice to her. You'll be amazed how much can change from just wanting to be there for your parents when they're having a crappy day/week/etc.
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I don't think this blog was meant to be a ban trap, but I saw two of them while I read down the replies =(
Anyways, take it easy on her. Be the bigger man, so to speak. Your days of freedom will come, probably in a couple years (completion of university/college degree is usually the cue) and then in less than a month you'll miss your mom >_<;;
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@Fishgle. She needs counseling. My dad, my brother, my relatives all agree. yet when we go to one, if they ever say she could even improve on something, she blows up. I went there with my dad and my mom, and the counselor said "look, you are very stressed about your son. You obviously care for him, and are an excellent parent. However, he obviously means well, and it might be helpful if you let him make more mistakes"
Then she blew up and has refused to go to a counselor first.
Ah... my dad. My dad is sort of the stereotypical subordinate husband. He never really disagrees with my mom, and when he does she blows up. He has a suboptimal job, but feels pressured to keep it and not look for a new one from my mom. She tries to talk to him, but he at times feels a bit aspergers. He definitely wants to help, and will offer condolences, but it often still feels impersonal.
When I talk about my problems with my mom, her solution is for me to yell at them, get angry, etc. Often, she gets much more angry about them then I do, which leads to further stress for her.
In terms of "subtly resisting" I meant more like "expressing what I want to do". There are certain rules, etc in the household, and recently I have tried to question them with calm questions, asking if I can do things which subtly violate them.
(she still expects me to be at home for dinner every day)
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EPT
