|
Alright, so most of us have this problem we label as "women". Much like you guys, I have had my share of issues with them, and I kind of just want to go over a few things and get your feedback.
Love Goggles
So you might have had that girl that you thought was so fucking hot, even though most people didn't agree with you, or you had that girl who most would give a 8/10, but you saw her as perfect. Usually I have found that my consideration of the girls looks after I am over her tend to drop by about 15%. Example, the last girl I was hung up on. I honestly considered her the most attractive girl I had ever seen, a straight 10/10. This lasted for year and I was never waved from that point, until recently. Her and I parted ways do to her being to busy, and myself seemingly stuck on a treadmill in that "relationship". After a couple of months I have recently gone over pictures of her and see that she really isn't THAT good looking. My question to all of you is, is it due to the fact that the love goggles are gone and I see her the way the rest of the world does? Or is it that I have some underlying resentment towards her since her and I are no longer together and mentally I push my views of her down to make the transition out of the relationship easier?
"She's Different Though"
This may be a sexist question, but really talking about relationships in general can be "sexist". So I found myself when talking to family about my relationship with this girl (yes same girl as previous example) that I would consistently use phrases such as "she's not like other girls" or "but you don't know her like I do" and I'm not sure if its blind confusion that I hope she is different or she really was. This girl still quite above average in looks, yet she is a virgin, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, I was really the closest thing to a boyfriend she had in years (and it was mostly based on companionship, not sexual *cough kinda friend-zoned), she doesn't fool around sexually (or I would have been first in line), and spends all her time focusing on school. BTW we are in our early 20's. To me she was completely different, especially compared to all the other girls I had ever dated. But she enjoyed fucking with my head. She knew I was attracted to her, so she asks to sleep over (her and I had an exam the next morning) but insisted on sleeping with me in my bed, and did all the signs that she wanted some (the my feet are cold, blah blah blah, even had my hand up her shirt, and she wrapped her legs around mine) but even trying to hint at making a pass fell on deaf ears. For the record (since most of you will think this) I'm not a virgin, but not gunna go into detail, lets just say she has made me hit a dry patch (Thank god for ex's though :D). Anyways got a little of track there, but would you guys say she is different, or was it me making up excuses?
Making A Move
Alright if you have ever been with a girl, of course you have had to make your move. What I want to talk about here is why is it easier with some chicks than others. My last official girlfriend was wham bam thank you ma'am. It was one of the easiest, most natural things I had experienced, not nervousness, no thinking in my head "should I kiss her now?" none of that. I have had some girls where I just seemingly find it impossible to step up to the plate. I mean guys who have been friend-zoned for years can understand this situation. Where you have the moment, where you think, I should just kiss her, I should just kiss her, I SHOULD JUST KISS HER! But you stand there like an idiot and do nothing. What is this mental block that we experience? I have experienced it with girls I have been friends with, or girls I have been dating. The only time I never experience it is when the following occurs. 1. She is at my place to watch a movie 2. We proceed to have some sort of banter about either the place to sit, or pillow allocation 3. She sits as close to me as humanly possible. I find the reason I never get this road block is because its quite obvious shes into me, but would you not be able to assume if the girl goes on more than one date with you she is interested? I wish after all these years of dealing with women, it would be easier... Suggestions for breaking down this road block would be cool to see, I get it with about 40% of the girls I date, and I don't know why. ***BTW those who are currently friend-zoned, figure out a way to break down the road block, because you will never know if you don't try :D
Learning to not care
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Having a girl as your whole world is great and all, but its much better to learn not to care. If you get rejecting, brush off your shoulder, if you get dumped, brush off your shoulder, if you get a fake number from a girl, brush off your shoulder, if she cheats on you, go find the dude she cheated with, break his fucking kneecaps, then brush off your shoulder (never been cheated on before, but the idea that someone would rather cheat than just break up is stupid to me). Seriously the reason our culture has these stupid rules about dating, like call her a week after you meet her, don't text back right away, it's this issue of people looking desperate. Honestly if you are actually worried about looking desperate, chances are you are. I quite recently met this really cute asian girl and we hit it off. She was smart, and we had a lot to talk about. We would text each other all day, but the moment I recommended her and I go out, outside of school, she would back away. I originally tried working around her schedule until soon I realized she was just not going to come out. I was looking desperate because I was kinda desperate. I figured out I was, and just gave up on her, deleted her number. Now her and I frequented the same spots, same campus library, blah blah blah, and I just didn't care. She would see me, and I would get a text message, I wouldn't BM and ignore it, I was talk a bit, but look for an end to the conversation because I really didn't care to try and date her anymore. Than she began to show real interest. Unfortunately I was 100% in the not caring mode, and didn't think to take her new show of attention to greater height, but it almost seems as if girls liked to be ignored as they crave attention. Not saying all girls, but you know, the host ones that go for guys that treat them like shit. You don't have to treat them badly, just have better thing to do with your time than worry about them (like StarCraft, thats a better thing to do :D) Have you guys experienced this phenomenon, where the moment you don't give a shit, she suddenly does?
Anyways thanks for letting me rant, I used to write stuff like this with my buddeh Duke at asinglemansdiary.blogspot.com but lost my drive. Do you guys think if I didn't trail off so much and got my writing a little more concise, you would read the blog? Not saying I'll start it again, but ya never know, the feedback is nice (after all SC2 is going bad for me while in exams, takes a lot of time where as these blogs like things dont)
Much Luv ♥
 
|
... interesting. FZ and flirty friends.
|
|
|
I would say... one of your problems is you.  You seem to find bad women, lol.
On your last point though, I think there's a distinction between not caring about casual rejection, and not caring about being hurt. You kind of mix the two with your examples. There is no point in getting into a relationship at all if you just don't care when you get dumped, or cheated on, or whatever. You have to not invest in something emotionally to be able to just 'brush off your shoulder' and walk away. If you get into a relationship but aren't emotionally invested you are just screwing with someone's heart.
Also, you're kind of cynical. That's almost doomed to bad results.
|
I've worn a pair of love goggles for the past two months. Taking them off has been an ... interesting experience. And I've been hurt more times than I should by women, but I just trudge through with the mindset that the gain is worth the pain. Best of luck broski.
|
On December 07 2011 20:25 RedJustice wrote:
Also, you're kind of cynical. That's almost doomed to bad results.
Explain how I am cynical, not that I disagree, but would love your insight :D
Plus the whole finding bad women, idk, I find the women I find, its not like I'll walk down a street and see a giant sign over the perfect girls head
|
" if she cheats
on you, go find the dude she cheated with, break his
fucking kneecaps, then brush off your shoulder (never
been cheated on before, but the idea that someone would
rather cheat than just break up is stupid to me)."
if you really were just brushing it off you wouldn't need to break anyone's kneecaps. let them have the bitch. she's the one that cheated on you not him.
other than that good blog
|
In reference to your anecdote about the cute asian girl who didn't start to show signs of wanting you until you started ignoring her... Believe it or not, some girls *don't* like to play games. I've seen a lot of girl rants on TL where guys chase after girls and feel that they get forced into bullshit and they're tired of it. Some girls like to play games. Some guys like to play games. Some guys and girls are actually honest and easy to have a relationship with. Don't play games, or else you'll be playing games even when you're in a relationship.
As far as cheating goes, I agree with eu.exodus; sure, you'll naturally be pissed at the guy too, but he doesn't owe you anything. It's your girlfriend who (hypothetically) cheated on you, so she's the one who you should be more mad at. She's the one who's unfaithful to you and doesn't consider your (supposedly exclusive) relationship sacred.
As far as the ""She's Different Though" girl goes... if you want her (or anyone) and you're getting mixed signals, ask her straight up. Sometimes you get nervous, would rather fantasize about the ideal outcome, or are scared about the truth, but you shouldn't be wasting your time. She shouldn't be wasting your time. You need to know where you stand. If you won't ever have a shot with her, it's better to know that now, stay friends with her if you want, and start looking elsewhere, rather than sticking around for a year or two and making no progress.
For what it's worth, I've been in a relationship for the better part of six years with my high school sweetheart. We made it through university together (long distance) and we're currently going through our graduate and doctoral programs now (semi- long distance). Don't ever settle, don't play games, and you'll eventually find someone who's right for you.
|
@eu.exodus, lol the who break his knee caps was just to show an exaggeration. Personallyt I have no idea how I would respond to getting hurt.
@DarkPlasmaBall mad respect for being able to hold down a long distance relationship will in college. That is hard to do, especially since college is the time to meet new people. Now not trying to rain on that parade, but since you have been with her for so long, and tbh probably your first seriously relationship, considering most HS relationships are kinda jokes (not saying yours is). Wouldn't you say its hard to say that your HS sweetheart is the right person for you on the fact you met at such a young age, and coming into your more adult years you haven't been able to test the waters with others. Plus I find that most long distance relationships work because you DONT have to spend a lot of time with one another (again not saying that is how yours is) since I see that if neither partner cheats on the other while its long distance, it rarely lasts once that distance is shortened because its easy to be in a relationship with someone you dont have to see everyday.
And about the "She's Different Though", when the girl says that you mean more to her than any guy shes ever dated, in fact she dates guys she doesn't really like, but hope to never lose you, and if not marrying you, to at least have you on the side. I woudl say she's different (in a she really doesnt understand that you should be in a relationship with the one you really care about, not just guys to pass the time, but I figured she was hurt when she was young and therefore is afriad of dating someone she actually cares for because he doesnt want to get hurt).
|
Commenting as I read:
On December 07 2011 19:06 DJWilma wrote:
My question to all of you is, is it due to the fact that the love goggles are gone and I see her the way the rest of the world does? Or is it that I have some underlying resentment towards her since her and I are no longer together and mentally I push my views of her down to make the transition out of the relationship easier?
It could be one or it could be the other. My question is this: why do you care? I suppose philosophizing on it isn't an issue unless you're letting life pass you by. So please, don't be one of those people!
After we've emotionally moved on from a relationship we tend to look back on it and say "What on Earth was I thinking?!". It's no detriment to you that you see something special in someone who may otherwise be average - the people we're dating are supposed to be special to us.
To me she was completely different, especially compared to all the other girls I had ever dated.
Once again, the women we're involved with are supposed to be special to us. What you have to watch out for is taking crap when you shouldn't. My first girlfriend was wonderful at the time. She had a lot of parent issues and would complain about it a lot to me. She'd ask for advice, but the say she just needed to vent. She crossed a line and turned me into a venting post. Putting all that baggage on me was very detrimental and I started having panic attacks. Relationships are a lot of work and do stress us out, but if you're getting too stressed out or you have to justify her every action as "special" then maybe there's a problem. If you have to tell one person "you don't know her like I do" then it could be healthy skepticism, but if you have to justify it to everyone then maybe there's something to it. Love goggles again? Perhaps.
But she enjoyed fucking with my head. She knew I was attracted to her, so she asks to sleep over (her and I had an exam the next morning) but insisted on sleeping with me in my bed, and did all the signs that she wanted some (the my feet are cold, blah blah blah, even had my hand up her shirt, and she wrapped her legs around mine) but even trying to hint at making a pass fell on deaf ears.
She wasn't messing with your head as much as you think. Since she is a virgin she obviously has a distinct boundary. While you may follow a course of actions that leads to sex, her course of actions leads to some other form of foreplay. This is a sticky situation since the person who is holding back feels fulfilled and the person wanting more is left, well, wanting more. Alternatively the person wanting more can get what they want and then the person holding back could feel bad about not holding back anymore.
Personally, I think you should have communicated this point better. If she wants to abstain there's nothing you can legally or respectfully do about it. But that means you also have to abstain from situations if you know you won't like the outcome, like getting all hot and heavy with her only to get blueballed. This isn't a very popular compromise in today's society, but it's the reality you accepted by getting involved with her.
Where you have the moment, where you think, I should just kiss her, I should just kiss her, I SHOULD JUST KISS HER!
This is probably the most common piece of relationship advice ever given - stop thinking, just do it! Just go talk to her, just go ask her out, and just go kiss her. Once those three are taken care of the walls always seem to come tumbling down. In one she acknowledges you as a friend, in the other a date, in the other physical affection.
Yes, it is easier to kiss some women than others. This doesn't mean those women had something special everyone else is lacking. It's just the way you felt about it.
But you stand there like an idiot and do nothing. What is this mental block that we experience?
It's called "being a pussy".
but would you not be able to assume if the girl goes on more than one date with you she is interested?
You can assume all you want. It's not going to get you the answer.
Do you know why I have to constantly tell people to stop thinking and just do it? It's because they try to figure out the situation at a 100% success rate. The only way you know for sure is asking.
Want to know if she likes you? Try saying "We've been gone out a few times now. I like you quite a bit. Do you like me, too?". Cheesy? Yes. Effective? 100%.
Want to know if she wants to kiss you? Two ways: just go for it (high risk/high reward) or ask her/tell her you want to (cheesy and corny, but again, 100% effective).
BTW those who are currently friend-zoned, figure out a way to break down the road block, because you will never know if you don't try :D
I spent 2.5 years in the friend zone in high school. It was a waste of my time. One question, "Will you go out with me?", would have saved me a LOT of grief. It's the same in too many situations: overthinking, overanalyzing, and trying to figure out what another person is thinking and feeling (this, of course, is impossible).
If you get rejecting, brush off your shoulder, if you get dumped, brush off your shoulder, if you get a fake number from a girl, brush off your shoulder, if she cheats on you, break up with her and brush off your shoulder.
I'm glad you have the "what if it doesn't work out your way" scenario down!
Seriously the reason our culture has these stupid rules about dating
Overthinking your actions, again, leads to these silly little rules.
Unfortunately I was 100% in the not caring mode
Now she only has herself to blame. She'll grow out of it when she realizes that the people worth dating don't give in to this kitchy crap.
Do you guys think if I didn't trail off so much and got my writing a little more concise, you would read the blog?
Nah, it was fine (from one long-winded guy to another  ).
|
|
|
On December 08 2011 01:07 DJWilma wrote:@DarkPlasmaBall mad respect for being able to hold down a long distance relationship will in college. That is hard to do, especially since college is the time to meet new people. Now not trying to rain on that parade, but since you have been with her for so long, and tbh probably your first seriously relationship, considering most HS relationships are kinda jokes (not saying yours is). Wouldn't you say its hard to say that your HS sweetheart is the right person for you on the fact you met at such a young age, and coming into your more adult years you haven't been able to test the waters with others. Plus I find that most long distance relationships work because you DONT have to spend a lot of time with one another (again not saying that is how yours is) since I see that if neither partner cheats on the other while its long distance, it rarely lasts once that distance is shortened because its easy to be in a relationship with someone you dont have to see everyday.
I don't like this....
Yes, long distance relationships in college are hard to manage, but I don't think it's because of all the new people you meet. Eventually you meet one, want to date, and go from there (in college or not). Your maturity dictates the rest. Just because you're legally an adult in college doesn't mean you have the mental maturity of your parents.
When I was an RA we would call October "National Break Up with Your High School Sweetheart Month". In almost all the cases on my floor (about 20 after three years) the relationship ended because one or both parties did not have the maturity to deal with a long-distance relationship when it got hard.
Testing the waters with others obviously isn't the goal of someone who stays with their high school sweetheart over time. It's easy to fool yourself in thinking "I have to find the one person perfect for me". There is no such thing as "the one". Committing yourself to someone is a choice you make and with that choice is the decision not to become romantically involved with any of the new people you're meeting. When you make that commitment it's solely up to the individuals involved to decide when and who. If that person is an ongoing high school romance then so be it - it's no skin off your back.
Your opinion of long distance relationships is different from mine. At some point, all of mine have gone down this path (three total and I'm 25), and all had various forms of communication. The first had irregular phone calls every couple days. Without me in her life every day she stopped putting in the effort and emotionally moved on before we were broken up. The second talked with me every night and visited every couple months. We dated three months across town, and 6 months 1000 miles apart. She couldn't handle the relationship once it got difficult and bowed out. Currently we live a four hour drive apart, video chat every night, call and text frequently, email every so often, and play SC2 teams with my two little brothers over skype every couple days. This, I believe, is the winning combination: staying present in each other's lives, working through the difficulties, and experiencing new things together. I'm optimistic with this one, especially since she just got a job in town!
|
I thought you were a woman and the wife of DJWheat. Oops.
|
@Servius_Fulvius Thanks for the indepth response, really enjoyed reading it :D But I do believe you can't really determine the validity of a long distany relationship. Like I would never marry someone I have not had sex with, or have not lived with, because they are basic aspects of life, and no amount of "love" will sub in for the fact that your incompatable sexually or living together. I know that sounds a little off track, but I look it as calling someone even everyday can't really account as a serious relationship, as to why I think they CAN be easy, and are sometimes dumb.
@Mothra this is not the first time I have had this assumption on me, people have to realise DJing is a profession, not a fucking tag, do not everyone who has DJ infront of their name has to do with Wheat. Wilma on the other hand was just something my University friends came up with and it kinda stuck. PS I'm a dude.
|
On December 08 2011 01:07 DJWilma wrote:
@DarkPlasmaBall mad respect for being able to hold down a long distance relationship will in college. That is hard to do, especially since college is the time to meet new people. Now not trying to rain on that parade, but since you have been with her for so long, and tbh probably your first seriously relationship, considering most HS relationships are kinda jokes (not saying yours is). Wouldn't you say its hard to say that your HS sweetheart is the right person for you on the fact you met at such a young age, and coming into your more adult years you haven't been able to test the waters with others. Plus I find that most long distance relationships work because you DONT have to spend a lot of time with one another (again not saying that is how yours is) since I see that if neither partner cheats on the other while its long distance, it rarely lasts once that distance is shortened because its easy to be in a relationship with someone you dont have to see everyday.
I think Servius_Fulvius did a really good job of explaining my perspective, so I'll add a bit more and address other things.
Just because you start to date someone at age X doesn't mean it's destined to fail. It doesn't mean it's destined to succeed either. It's far more important how hard the couple tries to make the relationship work, and whether or not you can make one another happy (and even still, sometimes it just falls through).
First and foremost, a relationship is based on trust. This includes honesty, openness, compromise, and respect for one another. This means that you don't play games with her, and she doesn't play games with you. This means that you don't walk all over her and treat her like trash. It means that if she goes to another school, you have to be okay with the fact that she's going to be around other guys all the time, because you trust that she's not going to cheat on you. It's okay to be a little jealous, but it's ridiculous to think you can command her to not have a social life.
If you and your significant other are committed to trusting one another and capable of making each other happy, there's a pretty good chance it's going to work out. I was extremely fortunate that I met someone at such an early age who fits my ideal girlfriend model. Most of the time, that doesn't happen. That doesn't mean it can't happen. Although to be completely honest, acting mature in a relationship isn't the hardest thing in the world to do; if both people want it, they should be able to make it work.
And about the "She's Different Though", when the girl says that you mean more to her than any guy shes ever dated, in fact she dates guys she doesn't really like, but hope to never lose you, and if not marrying you, to at least have you on the side. I woudl say she's different (in a she really doesnt understand that you should be in a relationship with the one you really care about, not just guys to pass the time, but I figured she was hurt when she was young and therefore is afriad of dating someone she actually cares for because he doesnt want to get hurt).
While you might be correct in what you think about her, you should still ask her. And if she has all of this baggage, you may want to take that into consideration. Is she ever going to get over this? Is she going to bring this into a relationship with you (if you ever get that far)? You need answers from her, not your own mere conjectures. As I said before, sometimes it's nice to play out fantasies in your head instead of finding out the truth, but you shouldn't be wasting time on someone if nothing's ever going to happen with her. Just get straight answers from her by asking straight questions, and if she dodges around them or is otherwise unhelpful, she's really not worth your time. Emotionally unavailable is the same thing as unavailable.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
