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Perhaps I already know what the outcome of this will be but I'm posting this in the hope that it may produce replies containing thoughts I haven't considered.
So basically there's a girl I like who I met about a year ago, thing is we live in different countries so when I moved back overseas the days between e-mail responses gradually increased. When we were face to face though things moved a bit faster than I was used to, for example her mum would talk to my parents about us getting married and I think there was quite a bit of pressure on her to live up to that expectation even though she herself might not have had those feelings. It was just too forward for me to be thinking about so we never discussed it and just spent time together keeping things light.
I've come back for a holiday and got back in touch with her, the thing is I do actually have feelings for her but don't really know how to develop a relationship given the limiting circumstances. And I think she's pretty much lost her feelings for me, because I could tell she wasn't all that keen to hang out - saying she'll get back in touch when she's free since she's really busy with work. Of course when you really want to be with someone you'll make it happen and not let things like work get in the way - so I can take a hint.
But I also get the feeling that maybe she might end up calling me to spend time together anyway out of politeness since she said she would, as she's quite an honest person so I can't see her saying she'd get in touch when she's free and then not contacting me.
So my question is, if she does call me again, should I just call the whole thing off and say it's better we don't spend time together, because that might be what she wants anyway but is too nice to say, or am I reading too much into things and I should spend time with her anyway just as friends, or thirdly should I spend time with her and try to escalate things. Do I see a future with her? Ideally yes, but only if she shares my feelings. Would it be wise to tell her how I feel, or would it be too much since we haven't seen each other for a year and it's quite a heavy thing to be talking about.
Blah. Any advice appreciated.
 
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United Kingdom10823 Posts
Personally, I would spend time with her and see how that goes. Once that's done, have a think about everything and decide whether you still want to pursue it. End of the day, I don't think you'll find out if there is anything there if you don't say something, but i think you should consider only telling her after you've met up, because it may get weird if you did it during.
How long are you going for? Is there any time after the meet for you to see each other again? If not, it is difficult, since you'll be diving straight into a LDR, and that's never a good idea for most people (have a look at the main Girl Blog Q&A that ILK made, and you'll see the number of people who shared their LDR experiences,) BUT if you want to pursue it, pursue it.
But she needs to know how you feel, and you need to know how she feels
Hope that helps
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Why don't you try being yourself, and be SUPER AWESOME, and put out the best you you can be, without being clingy or forcing anything. And if she seems more into you, awesome, if not, you did have a good thing going with her before, can't be that bad to just hang with her a little, and then call it quits if it didn't lead to where you wanted it to lead????
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Yessssss GIRL BLOGS
I'm all for just straight sharing what's in your head. Or heart. Or whichever part of your body dictates how you act and what you say. As it is the case with almost anything just be natural and let things flow, if it escalates then it escalates and you just go with it. Always deal with these in-person, over the phone or on chat is a no-no.
Good luck!
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Long distance can only work if both parties are very committed to making it work, if she's ambivalent in her feelings towards you then the chances of you being together in a long distance scenario is slim...
just see what develops while you're in the same place and go with it if something happens,
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Don't try to read anything beside what she says. Assumptions lead to mistakes and those just fu*k everything.
If it was me, I'd just tell her my feelings and see if we can get into a relationship or stay as friends. As you said, when you want to be with someone you make it happen, somehow. So living in different countries is a big problem, but not an unovercomeable one.
Go for it.
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Don't be too quick to surrender. Meet with her and tell her how you feel. You can't be friends, at least from my point of view, because you want more from that relationship. Don't read too much into things, don't be over-dramatic, just be honest with her and go from there. I was in the same situation, I told a girl how I feel and never heard from her again. It sucks, but at least now my mind is free and my conciousness clear, and I know that wasn't the person I was looking for. Good luck.
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Just because she's not interested now doesn't mean she never will be. Maybe she's seeing someone else? I say hang out with her and if you're still getting the feeling that she isn't too keen then I wouldn't tell her how you feel. Why not keep her as a prospect... you could very will end up in the same country 5 years from now and maybe she'll be totally open to having another guy in her life.
And honestly unless you are planning on moving there for her which would probably put her off in itself, I don't even see how your ideal situation is possible at this point in time. Just try to nurture the friendship naturally and you never know what it could evolve into on it's own in the course of your lifetimes.
She might just have been not too keen because you guys were close when you last left and she's afraid you might think closeness + older + some missing feelings = back into closeness immediately + kissing etc
It's probably that shit her parents were saying that made her feel uncomfortable now. She doesn't know what your thinking so imo you need to just show her your cool with whatever and then if it happens it happens.
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Just man up and spend time with her.
May attitude with dating when you don't really have the time is to make the time you do have and just treat it super casually, because it's not like you have very much to lose anyways. If you feel the moment come upon you then make your move and treat it like a "brief moment in time where everything worked out." If you make your move and you fail then treat it like a "singular date that went poorly and so what."
I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. There are a couple girls that I've been meaning to sincerely date but we live in different cities. I am NOT undergoing anything remotely close to a long distance relationship again, so I play every encounter by ear and get them when I get them. Do the same and don't worry; just see her and don't let your inner feelings affect you. You're a man, so show her a damn good time platonic or not because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
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Her mom was talking to your parents about you two marrying...
What the fuck...
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On November 17 2011 02:42 zalz wrote:
Her mom was talking to your parents about you two marrying...
What the fuck...
what's wrong with that? It's pretty prevalent among other cultures that you are not used to.
Anyways, just try to have a good time with her. In my experience, whether you guys end up working out or not, you want to have the following experience:
1) being awesome
2) have fun together
the rest don't matter
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You moved across seas, it probably wont ever work and if you tried it'd be really hard or whatever
may aswell just try to get into her pants and leave it at that
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On November 17 2011 02:54 evanthebouncy! wrote:Show nested quote +On November 17 2011 02:42 zalz wrote:
Her mom was talking to your parents about you two marrying...
What the fuck... what's wrong with that? It's pretty prevalent among other cultures that you are not used to. Anyways, just try to have a good time with her. In my experience, whether you guys end up working out or not, you want to have the following experience: 1) being awesome 2) have fun together the rest don't matter
I know it's prevalent in some cultures.
I just figured people living in the middle ages had a hard time getting onto a website.
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On November 17 2011 04:50 zalz wrote:Show nested quote +On November 17 2011 02:54 evanthebouncy! wrote:On November 17 2011 02:42 zalz wrote:
Her mom was talking to your parents about you two marrying...
What the fuck... what's wrong with that? It's pretty prevalent among other cultures that you are not used to. Anyways, just try to have a good time with her. In my experience, whether you guys end up working out or not, you want to have the following experience: 1) being awesome 2) have fun together the rest don't matter I know it's prevalent in some cultures. I just figured people living in the middle ages had a hard time getting onto a website.
My current wife's parents adored me and made it as easy as possible for us to spend time together (we lived 2 hours apart). Parents can be very important in the matchmaking process - they don't have to be, but they definitely can be.
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On November 17 2011 05:02 Shai wrote:
My current wife's parents adored me and made it as easy as possible for us to spend time together (we lived 2 hours apart). Parents can be very important in the matchmaking process - they don't have to be, but they definitely can be.
Agreed. I don't understand what all the hate is about. If my parents liked a girl I was dating I'm sure my dad - most controlling man alive - would do everything in his power to make it happen. So far, my parents really wanted me to explore other options besides my last girlfriend, and in fact that probably was for the best.
If you have not shit parents then you should probably trust that advice. I'll bet some of the younger TLers here would vehemently disagree with me because they don't know any better, but in the end your parents are often right when they try and steer you in the right direction, and you should trust their judgement. Blindly? No, but give them the benefit of the doubt; they only love you.
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Hey, thanks for all the replies everyone - to be honest I had thought I'd wake up this morning and have to read a whole bunch of stuff I already knew but every one of your posts have been very insightful and helped me look at things in a new way, I'm really grateful. If there are any developments I'll post an update, cheers.
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Just an update on the situation... Called her a few weeks ago (waited about two weeks for her to contact me so sigh had to make the first and second move) and we arranged a casual coffee catch-up. She's indicated that due to our cultural differences in background we should just be friends. Inside I was saying fuck that shit, I want to fuck you right now. But my beta-instincts made me say: "OK, but this means I won't take you back if you change your mind in the future." Not sure if it was the right thing to say or not 'cos I'd probably take her back in a heartbeat but then again my word is not 'my word', if you get my drift.
Tomorrow's new years' eve and I was thinking of asking her out and making a move on her... You know how certain circumstances can result in romantic moments that usually would not occur (e.g. drunken office parties or Christmas time under the mistletoe). Then again, hot chicks like that don't just have nothing to do on NYE and she probably already has plans. If anyone has any advice, such as it wouldn't hurt to call, then I'd appreciate it. Alternatively I've got a 'fuck buddy' I could spend the night and do the usual go out on the town stuff with... But I guess relationships are a lot like making an investment... You can play it safe and settle down with someone you're not madly in love with (the equivalent of earning 1% interest per year)... Or you could go for gold and risk ending up a lonely old man with no girl at all (the equivalent of putting all your savings all in but the potential benefits if successful are huge... Thing is high risk companies like that you'd be crazy to invest... Unless you wanted to live a crazy (and possibly future homeless) life).
Ahh... Wish I had this area of my life sorted out.
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Be honest. U could have spoken out all of that thought to them already. Dont be shy to talk about feelings, its good to have feelings and to clearly state them.
Not saying sth or lieing to not hurt someones feelings is not working. In long term u hurt the ppl that u love more if u dont speak out whats on your mind. Be talkative about the things that bother you and be honest with yourself and the ppl that you love. Everytime theres coming sth good from it, because with knowledge there is awareness.
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EPT
