Feeling super I-have-no-idea-what right now, and have been for a while now. I'm not sure what I want with myself and my life. Bah. Super stressed feeling, don't really know why, because I don't feel like I have anything to be stressed about because I don't know what I want. Weird to think about. I'm just going to write and try to get my mind sorted, or at least get what I'm feeling down.
I'm realizing how unemotional I am. Except I don't know if it's me being apathetic or unemotional or accepting. I got a speeding ticket the other day. My first. It was just an "Oh, I got pulled over." Not much of a reaction. My mom told me she was getting remarried this Friday. Cool beans. I feel like I should be happy or angry she told me over a text or wonder who the guy is. We haven't been close, but she's always been caring. Hmm.
I don't know if I want to be getting back in shape anymore. I don't know if I don't want to because I just don't care or I don't want to or if I think I can't. I just don't know. Getting back into shape, or staying in shape and that has defined my life for the last two years almost.
I hate how motivation comes and goes so easily. It's such a fragile thing. One day I'll feel like I'm going to be the person I used to in no time, super confident, on top of the world and screw what other people think, the next I'll wake up feeling stressed and depressed out of my mind.
I'm realizing how introverted of a person I am. My best friend is the only person I've consistently hung out with since as long as I can remember. I don't talk to other people beyond a "Hi" at all, really, other than her. At school you wouldn't know that I'm not outgoing- I say hi to everyone, people say hi to me, I laugh and smile and joke. People like me. But when I get home, I go up to my room and don't talk to anyone or anything. The relationships with people at school stay there. I don't get invited to hang out with other people, or if I do, it's a one time thing. And that's probably my fault. I don't show interest. And I'm lonely.
I dunno if I'm disillusioned or what. Probably just a phase. I want some motivation that will stay with me. Time to get exercising I guess.
I Love talking with people about their State of being. Personally, I don't think you should look down on traits that we consider "negative." I personally am not an uppity Happy person, but I find Happiness in, well, oddly put, Keeping it Real. I Avoid sarcasm as much as I can because I find more Power in a Real Life with Real interactions. This might not be your solution, but I'm saying it because What you have to say about loneliness and being unmotivated kind of reminds me of that transition in my Life. Also, I totally respect sadness, and welcome it in my life. Sure it sucks when you don't have people to digest your sadness with, but calling it negative or ignoring it should be considered a shameful act. I don't know exactly What you're looking for by doing this blog, but feel free to hound my thoughts and talk with me, I am a very open person. I strive to understand all people and their positions, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. I have often played the role of moderator or even healer in my Life, because I am so open and understanding. I may not be the friendliest or happiest person, but I am where I am and I am aware, intentional, and conscious, and that is What is important to me. Also, I would like to say that you should focus on living an intentional Life. Doing this is obviously not easy, but parts of an intentional life can be easy, we just simply forget to live in such a way. There are a million things that you and I should have done that we did not do, so let's try to do What we should do tomorrow when it comes. I find a big part of living intentionally for me is communicating everything I feel just HAS to be communicated, or even things that just come to mind. Be honest, it will help you to understand people who seem to be at opposite ends with you in controversy or otherwise, and also help you to ground yourself. Eat well, drink pure water, and tell people What you know they need to hear. Try practicing Qigong. I could blabble for hours but I'll stop here, I hope you like my writings, Ciao!
EPT
