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Hello, I'd like to share this with you guys in the hope that perhaps one of you has been in the situation that I am in at the moment. So my mother is a seriously bad alchoholic and she has been since her on and off boyfriend conned her out of a 200 grand house, and now we are living in a home which her boyfriends father owns and basically we are staying with him not charging us rent.
My mother put away 15 grand, which was basically all she had left from selling a really big house a while ago, in a kind of bank acount ( im not really sure about this kind of thing ) and when she withdraws it in 10 years or something it was supposed to have doubled or something as once again I dont know the exact number.
About 5 nights a week and most of the time more she drinks a bottle and a half of wine which she says is " really weak " but I wouldnt think so as she really gets in a state when she has a drink which involves her screaming down the phone at her on and off boyfriend about buying her a house.
I keep telling her that he won't buy a house for a alchie and if you want to have any chance of getting one she needs to sort herself out. She promises me and my siblings that she will stop but when we went downstairs she would always hide the glass under the table or something and it was such a sad sight, and this has evolved into her drinking out of coffee mugs to try and fool us into thinking she is doing what a normal person would do which would be drinking tea or something.
I mean fair enough its her life and im old enough to look after myself but there is also a 7 year old boy living here who is kinda getting fucked up from being in a household where there is constant arguments, and where my mother blasts music about relationships when she drowns her sorrows away with wine when she thinks about how she cheated on my dad to go out with a really rich guy when he was working away and living in a shared flat and working while sending her all of the money to help bring us up.
Anyway, that was very long winded but what im trying to get at is there any way to convince a chronic drinker to stop, and if not do you guys have any tips to deal with the experience of being what seems like a dysfunctional household?
( also Id like to include that for the most part I actually get what I want, which includes starcraft and this nice computer im on which I really appreaciate. But I still dont think its right the way she treats herself when she has a family around)
Thanks for reading!
cheers
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Tough situation. I don't really know what you can do about your mother, but for the 7-year-old boy (your brother?) you can help him by leading a successful life yourself and giving him an example of a way out of this mess.
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Definitely a tough situation as cz said and definitely he gave you one of the best advice's.
I don't have anything other to say than the above, so all i'm gonna say is that good luck and fighting!
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I agree with the first two posters, that you should first and foremost look after your 7-year old younger brother.
Your mother, from what I read, put herself in that situation and got what she deserved. I know she's your mother and there's no one in the world who can replace her, but she's already been a grown adult. She can take care of her own problems herself.
Your younger brother, however, will probably need someone to look up to and seek for guidance, so do what you can to make sure he grows up with responsible care.
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how old are you? still in school or out already?
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A few years ago i was in nearly the same situation. My father had serious problems with alcohol after my parents divorced. He started harrasing me after i moved to my grandparents (like kept calling the phone/ or knocking on the door deep in the night) while my younger brother and my mom moved away. But after time (it took him like a year of ups and downs) he came back on track and we have a normal relationsship now.
So i know not every person is the same and i cant tell if your mother is that kind of person that is able to get back to her normal life. But if there is something that will help her doing so its to realize what she loves most.
I guess the best thing to do is to take a step back from her and try to get the boy away from her for a while (if thats somehow possible without affecting his life too much). Then she may realize that noone is going to support her if she continues to live like this and that she is going to lose you and everyone else she cares/cared for in the longterm. Atleast that worked for my father.
I hope that helps you to solve the situation if you have any questions on details dont hesitate to ask me im glad if i can help you.
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Definitely a sad situation. I feel really bad for your mother as well, because she must feel awful as she drinks if she's hiding her glass from you guys.
But yeah as everyone else has said, do whatever you can to keep your younger brother on the right track so that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel, otherwise it'll just cave in.
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The "boyfriend's father" comes off as a really nice guy for letting you stay there rent-free. Correct me if my impression of him possibly being a trustworthy individual in whom you might confide in is totally wrong.
Even if you don't know the guy all too well, I think you should try to explain your situation to him in an honest and heartfelt way. Reach out for his help. See if he's willing to help you with setting some sort of an ultimatum for your mom. See if he's willing to help you and your siblings out even with your mom temporarily out of the picture (rehab, social services). Whatever you decide, I strongly advise you involve an adult with an outside perspective. I don't think your mom will ever grasp the gravity of the situation (for you and your siblings) without outside interference. The realization that one might lose what one holds most dear is often enough of an incentive for someone to at least make an effort to change. Involve an adult. Someone you trust, or just a social worker.
Your mom doesn't seem bad enough of a person to lose custody of you guys. Don't believe most horror stories or how TV shows depict social services. They aren't evil. They're there to help and more often than not very reasonable people.
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On September 29 2011 07:32 LaLuSh wrote:
The "boyfriend's father" comes off as a really nice guy for letting you stay there rent-free. Correct me if my impression of him possibly being a trustworthy individual in whom you might confide in is totally wrong.
Even if you don't know the guy all too well, I think you should try to explain your situation to him in an honest and heartfelt way. Reach out for his help. See if he's willing to help you with setting some sort of an ultimatum for your mom. See if he's willing to help you and your siblings out even with your mom temporarily out of the picture (rehab, social services). Whatever you decide, I strongly advise you involve an adult with an outside perspective. I don't think your mom will ever grasp the gravity of the situation (for you and your siblings) without outside interference. The realization that one might lose what one holds most dear is often enough of an incentive for someone to at least make an effort to change. Involve an adult. Someone you trust, or just a social worker.
Your mom doesn't seem bad enough of a person to lose custody of you guys. Don't believe most horror stories or how TV shows depict social services. They aren't evil. They're there to help and more often than not very reasonable people.
Yeah I guess I should appreaciate us staying here rent - free, but yeah he is like a millionaire so it isnt much skin off his back., and I guess I think the situation isnt serious enough to get social services involved since she doesnt beat anybody up or anything, she just keeps to herself in the kitchen
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You won't be able to do anything for her unless she comes to herself. There's a reason recovered alcoholics/drug addicts need to be with their 'own kind' persay, in order to stay sober.
Recovered addict speaking here btw.
edit: You can help her, actually. Bring her to an AA meeting asap, even if it doesn't click for her instantly, it will be the true beginning of her new life.
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I've never been in a situation like this before, but I could imagine how horrible it must be for the 7-year old, having his mother, someone he should be able to depend and rely upon for guidance early in his life, be so off the hinges.
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I wish you, your mother and the kid the very best.
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Your dad sounds like a really hard-working guy. Is there any chance you could get him custody of your siblings?
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Here's what you can do.
You, yourself, gotta give it your all to your studies/work, set an example to your siblings so that they will follow you. When your mother can see everyone is trying hard, she will perhaps stop drinking so much and be more happy. A mum is always happy seeing their son getting good results at school. My theory is that if you slack off on school, it will just add more pain to what your mother is experiencing. It'll be fucking hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
But, I must congratulate you for having the courage to type this up and sharing it. Many who are in a similar situation as you will avoid reality.
Note: You are the only true family to your mother. She does not want to lose you and deep in her heart she wants you to succeed in life as well. Do not give up on her. Be on her side, I don't think it is a good idea to get her into rehab or separate her from you as it will only deepen the wound.
TL:DR: Your success in life will lead to your mother's happiness therefore leading her to stop relying on alcohol.
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My mom is an alcoholic, and has been my entire life.
First, never, EVER blame yourself. It's not your fault, and never will be. Don't catch yourself thinking that.
Second, be an example to your little brother. I wish I had had one to look up to. Show him the best you can how to live life. Take care of him. Show him love.
Talk to your mom. Tell her what you think, and don't hold anything back. Tell her to her face, write a letter, do whatever you need to. She needs to know. Tell her you want her to get help. Tell her you love her, and that you need her. Make her realize that she's not the only person in the family. Be blunt and straight forward.
If you need to, talk to your school's counselor. I hope things work out for you, and for her. For me, it's been a tough road that has gotten better then worse and so on for my whole life. Have hope. Show her you love her, and stick with her.
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EPT
