Hello, TL. I should be working on writing college supplement essays right now (FUUU UChicago supplement), but I don't want to so I'm writing this instead. See how good that logic is? To start, I guess I should mention I'm a high school senior, if you didn't pick up on that already, and the Patriots lost to the Bills so I'm not in a great mood right now. Also, I just cut myself shaving >
I'm writing this partially because I'm not very good at dealing with my anxiety and I figure this blog can't hurt. I've been a pretty big perfectionist since I was little and it's only gotten worse as my life has gotten more stressful with school work and social stuff. Many people think a perfectionist is just that guy that spends an extra hour on his studying to get a marginally better grade, but for me it's more of a detriment. Sure, I try my hardest in school and all that, but perfectionism comes with a paralyzing fear of failure. I procrastinate so much because it puts off the potential failure that can come with the difficult work I should be doing. Another downside to perfectionism is that my view of success is significantly more limited than that of most people and anything less is complete and utter failure.
Since the end of last school year, I flipped the mattress off my bed because I got outmacroed in a game of SC2. I punched a dent in a locker, in front of the dean of students no less, because I got a 4 on a PRACTICE AP chemistry test. Most recently, I was in tears for an hour and a half raging hard at myself one night because I stayed in my room watching NASL instead of watching NCIS with my family. I felt like a horrible son, a failure of a human being, and just an all around worthless use of space.
All this is the result of perfectionism. That doesn't even touch on my real anxieties. One of which is that I'll occasionally become consumed with fear about two of my best friends hooking up behind my back and not telling me about it. I also worry that my other friends are conspiring with them to keep up the artifice. Since I'm in my right mind now, I'm 100% sure that it isn't happening. I know my friends well enough to know they aren't doing anything like that. However, during one of my "episodes" I'm not in my right mind at all. Everything goes red and white and my thoughts blur over in a swell of incomprehensible emotions.
The thing is, if you saw me walking around, or even if you got to know me, I would seem like just a normal kid in every way. I have a girlfriend, a life, a bunch of friends, and some hobbies other than video games. Still, my therapist suggested that I go on SSRIs and I should too, but I'm scared as hell. Whenever I think about them, the only thing that comes to mind is
So, I don't really know what to do from here aside take the pills and hope for the best, but thanks for reading. Also, Tom Brady blew today and I'm still angry about it.
SSRIs are nothing to worry about. You'll probably start off on too low of a dose to even feel a thing, and gradually work your way up the still-not-really-feeling-anything-different ladder. Eventually either you'll make good progress or realize that SSRIs suck balls.
I assume that due to you being a high school senior and not mentioning it in the OP, you've never been on medication for this sort of thing before?
On September 26 2011 09:26 Valentine wrote: SSRIs are nothing to worry about. You'll probably start off on too low of a dose to even feel a thing, and gradually work your way up the still-not-really-feeling-anything-different ladder. Eventually either you'll make good progress or realize that SSRIs suck balls.
I assume that due to you being a high school senior and not mentioning it in the OP, you've never been on medication for this sort of thing before?
Yeah, my only experience with repeated medication is Zyrtec for allergies.
On September 26 2011 09:26 Valentine wrote: SSRIs are nothing to worry about. You'll probably start off on too low of a dose to even feel a thing, and gradually work your way up the still-not-really-feeling-anything-different ladder. Eventually either you'll make good progress or realize that SSRIs suck balls.
I assume that due to you being a high school senior and not mentioning it in the OP, you've never been on medication for this sort of thing before?
Yeah, my only experience with repeated medication is Zyrtec for allergies.
It's not a huge deal
Doubt it will make your anxiety worse, but if it does you'll probably put on something that actually works (benzos!) I don't really know how severe your symptoms are so who knows :3
the answer is to fulfil your expectations or at least begin seriously on that journey
i am in the same situation
i thought it was perfectionism, i thought it was "learned helplessness", i thought i was just emotionally weak for whatever many reasons, but it doesnt matter either way
your anxiety comes from you not being happy about yourself because of your underachievements and to fix that you need to start achieving!! so yeah its a case of getting off your ass and doing what needs to be done. theres no way around it. other people do it all the time.
the one thing that really helps stop you overanalysing and tormenting yourself about your reluctant obligations is to catch yourself every time you start thinking about them and just push them out of your mind by suddenly thinking about something else, something positive (or something study-related)
Since the end of last school year, I flipped the mattress off my bed because I got outmacroed in a game of SC2.
lol what. You should be embarrassed that you do stupid shit like this, not that you lost SC2 or got a bad grade. I honestly think your problem is that you're self-obsessed, and 'perfectionism' is a byproduct of that, but it's not really perfectionism is it? It's throwing a hissy fit because you didn't put in the work to make something perfect.
I STRONGLY recommend going ahead with SSRIs.In my experience, when you just start taking them, you absolutely don't notice anything. It's just after a few/several weeks you can look back and say to yourself "hmm, I didn't really notice it, but I've felt better than normal these past few weeks; fewer episodes of panic, and just generally more chill".
I've definitely had problems with perfectionism that were very similar to yours - procrastinating a ton because it was hard to start work when in my mind I had to do it perfectly the first time, without any help; being very upset at grades that were in all reality quite good (but not 100%). Even had some of the raging, back when I was playing PvP arena and battlegrounds in WoW.
You can kinda hobble along like this for a while, but the tipping point for me in your description was what the "episodes" are like: a swirl of emotions that prevents rational thought. For me I also had physical and verbal spasms. Not fun. I think it's that point you know that you need some drastic changes. Besides, it's far better to decisively address something like this now, then when you're in college....
edit: SSRIs aren't about strictly lowering or eliminating emotions, it's more about managing them
I used to rage pretty hard at SC too. Just start convincing yourself that it's childish to take your frustration out physically, eventually you'll just start feeling guilty and you'll start to keep the rage inside and cope with internally :p
Since the end of last school year, I flipped the mattress off my bed because I got outmacroed in a game of SC2.
lol what. You should be embarrassed that you do stupid shit like this, not that you lost SC2 or got a bad grade. I honestly think your problem is that you're self-obsessed, and 'perfectionism' is a byproduct of that, but it's not really perfectionism is it? It's throwing a hissy fit because you didn't put in the work to make something perfect.
Yes I'm embarrassed and yes I'm self obsessed at times. I'm ashamed of it and I'm trying my damnedest to fix it. That's what the medication is going to help me do. I've been making a greater effort to not live in my head so much and diminish the apparent severity of my internal problems so I can help others who need it more.
However, you shouldn't put words in my mouth especially when you don't understand what you're talking about completely. The perfectionism is real and the "hissy fit" isn't a result of me not putting the effort in to making something perfect, it's a result of me not performing or acting in the best way. No one puts 100% effort in everything and I realize that. It has to be a balance. Also, It's not that I don't do work or try hard or anything. Hell, I'm a good student in hard classes getting As and I'm good at tennis and I know that I'm good at other things too. Where the "hissy fit" comes in is when I go into a test thinking "I studied and I know that I should get at least an A- on this" then I get a B because I do something dumb.
And yes, I know that getting so angry about a small bad grade is stupid and immature, but that's what happens and no matter what I've done in the past months to stop being so shallow, nothing works. That's why I've decided to start SSRIs.
While reading your post, it reminded me a lot of myself. I am also a perfectionist and, much in the same way you are, I procrastinate not because of unwillingness to do something, but because of a fear of failure (perfectionists view a nonperfect job as failure), and I also had a temper issue... but this about you, not me.
The fact that you are seeing a therapist is a great thing. Talking to a professional that is trained in dealing with people in that capacity is a great thing, as long as you are willing to improve your life (and it sounds like you are). Kudos for taking that step. As for anti-depressants, that is also a good step to take. Generally, they work as long as you are taking them like you are supposed to (don't also get high/drunk every day, don't expect results in five days, don't stop taking them suddenly, etc.). But also don't expect medicine to just magically make things better, because it won't. You can't just take a pill and expect it to go away. There are other things to consider: exercise, diet... I'm sure you've heard all of this before, but take it from me (just another voice): it matters.
Hang in there, buddy! I hope your serotonin levels stabilize in the next six weeks or that something else occurs to make you feel better
I began having really bad anxiety attacks this year too. It got to the point where I spent every night awake in my room fearing for my life. I finally went to the doctor and he put me on an SSRI ( I was very reluctant too), but it turned out to work wonders. I know how you feel not wanting to take them, as I am also a highschool student. But it is always worth a shot. Good luck bud!
I've got a not of anxiety too just not being a perfectionist. It's all about mental strength you've gotta fight the urge to flip out and do stupid stuff like you've been doing. The meds also help quite a bit too.
EPT
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