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Be rational. From what I read between the lines you'd also study and do your tasks without his pressuring, right? Tell him that pressuring you into something you'd already do by yourself will sooner or later make you stop doing it, because you associate the pressure with it.
Also, I doubt he is doing this because he wants the best for you - I don't know how much older your brother is, but from what I experience is that it's usually just the first child that has to go through all this controlling stuff, because the parents are being over-cautious. Maybe you should have a talk with your brother.
Another thing you might want to do is to tell your father that the additional studying he wants you to do is unnecessary (assuming it really is). If he doesn't believe you and tell you it's not enough, tell him to quiz you. Give him your material and make him ask questions. If you know your stuff he should realize.
Just one more thing. Please, be calm. Be rational. I know it's hard, but you really don't want to mess up the relationship between you and your parents (or your dad for this matter). They're your parents after all, they took care of you, still care about you and you will not hit adulthood and be all like "Freedom, who needs parents?!" You'll need them eventually, trust me. Family, man.
Edit: The door thing is evil. Tell him you want your door closed because you need your privacy, need silence to be able to concentrate properly and need some space of your own.
Oh, and if all talking and rationality doesn't work, try to talk with your school about it.
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On September 18 2011 14:35 SuperbWingman wrote:
15 years old? You're really young dude. I know you may not realize it but your dad obviously does. What you need to do is stop with the "how do i combat him" mentality and try to find common ground. You have to prove to him that you are ready for more freedom not by sitting him down and telling him but by giving him the results he is looking for without him having to ask.
Exactly what I'm thinking...
Your dad is not the enemy... He is doing his best to help you succeed.
Yes, his methods are NOT the best way, but he is trying as hard as he can.
That being said, I don't think there is anything you could say to your dad to convince him of anything as he is being unreasonable and being reasonable with him would not do anything
It's pretty much impossible to convince an unreasonable person of anything he doesn't want to be convinced of, so your options are...
1) Tough it out. Yes it sucks, but it's probably for the best. Realize that he's not trying to make your life hard, but is just trying to give you the best chance of success because he loves you
2) Sneak. Prepare for being caught eventually though. Even the sneakiest are caught eventually, and then there will be hell for a few weeks where you'll have to stop gaming. Then, they'll loosen up their guard and you can start playing games again. It's basically a cycle.
3) Talk to him. Seems like you've tried without much success. It probably won't work.No matter how much you reason with him, if he insists of being unreasonable, you won't be able to do anything.
4) Get someone he respects to talk to him - Would be much more effective than you talking to him. The problem is getting him to talk to a person who would talk on your behalf.
Also, where is your mother on this matter? Is she with your dad [which I'm assuming she is?], or is she neutral or on your side?
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if nothing helps, get an appointment with some sort of youth social worker Oo maybe you're school has some kind of councilor for such issues, you should definitely talk to that person. if you're afraid that your dad will flip out when they call and talk to him about it, make that the first thing you tell them and work from there.
The guys saying it'd be better to stop resisting and find common ground are certainly right, but, depending on where you're dads grounds lye, that might just not happen. so think about that option first, but if you don't think you can make it work, get someone trained for dealing with such issues to help.
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I may be the first to say this. Having survived a experince like this (being 18 now has stopped him from taking anymore action)
What he is doing is abuse. There is no other way to sugar coat it. Not allowing you any sort of privacy other than in the bathroom is extreme and is emotional and mental abuse.
Combating him will be like hitting a brick wall. Finding common ground like people are suggesting is not possible because he will make it his point to nto find common ground. Personally if I had the back thought, I would have gotten the school shrink involved, and I suggest you do that asap.
No matter what you will do, stand up for yourself. If that means getting in his face and over yelling him. Then do that. Don't let him step on you. Cause that only allows him to contiune doing that. If you lose your comp for a few days, then so be it.
If you are even willing to take it to the extreme. Just threaten him with throwing a test or two and lowering your grade if he doesn't give in to your demands.
Treat it like 2 males trying to be the alpha male in a herd. Talking from a purely bioliogcal standpoint. Your father wants to keep you under his thumb because he doesn't want you to overtake him as the alpha male. this is all us males who run families. When a new baby is born and grows. soemtimes the alpha male kicks the younger male out because he does not want a challenge to his status.
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Hooooly shit! I'm just thinking of how this contrasts to when I was that age. My parents were as liberal as can be, didn't force me into any physical activities, let me play video games as much as I'd like, etc, and so it's tough for me to put myself in your position and imagine what I'd do.
From the few fights I had between me and my parents (mostly whenever they tried to put some serious strain on my playtime, because I was spoiled haha) I guess what I would of done at that age would probably be to lock myself in my room, play Metallica or something really loudly and wait for one of them to approach my room to talk to me about it.
That "door issue" I also kind of had, but only because my room was really really warm (sun pointed directly towards the large windows) compared to the rest of the house so they wanted some air to flow in. Also, I couldn't give them a good reason why not which obviously meant they jumped to the most common parental conclusion in the world ("HOLY SHIT HES JERKING OFF") haha
But really yeah, you deserve to have a moderate amount of privacy at that age. I really don't know what else to tell you, as to solutions etc, it's a tough one. Best of luck.
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I fought my dad at age 13, and won. I had to beat him 2 more times after, and the balance of power really got screwy in the house, he attempted to murder me many times even while sleeping afterwards, I survived and we ended up getting along again from age 20 to 25, he passed away last year. He apologized for all the crazy things he did, and I apologized for fighting him.
If you fight him prepare to lose your life, I wouldn't recommend it.
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I got the same problem OP, only I'm 17, have 20 days of high school and I'm failing all my subjects, it is EXTREMELY likely I'll fail Year 12. I've made only one request, remove my forced bed time, but they refused. So I'm refusing to do any work, wasting their time, effort and money. I know it doesn't fix anything, but I am just so angry at them.
And that no fun allowed thing is also an issue for me. I pretty much do everything now under the effects of some kind of illicit substance.
This has lead to me having a repressed personality. I don't know anything and can't think for myself due to my parents controlling everything I do. I have no real world experience of my own and don't know much about anything except for games. I don't even know what I want to do in 20 days time when I finish my high school.
I know about that privacy issue too. I share a room and my computer isn't even in that room, it's in my lounge room.
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On September 18 2011 15:10 frogmelter wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 14:35 SuperbWingman wrote:
15 years old? You're really young dude. I know you may not realize it but your dad obviously does. What you need to do is stop with the "how do i combat him" mentality and try to find common ground. You have to prove to him that you are ready for more freedom not by sitting him down and telling him but by giving him the results he is looking for without him having to ask.
Exactly what I'm thinking... Your dad is not the enemy... He is doing his best to help you succeed. Yes, his methods are NOT the best way, but he is trying as hard as he can. That being said, I don't think there is anything you could say to your dad to convince him of anything as he is being unreasonable and being reasonable with him would not do anything It's pretty much impossible to convince an unreasonable person of anything he doesn't want to be convinced of, so your options are... 1) Tough it out. Yes it sucks, but it's probably for the best. Realize that he's not trying to make your life hard, but is just trying to give you the best chance of success because he loves you 2) Sneak. Prepare for being caught eventually though. Even the sneakiest are caught eventually, and then there will be hell for a few weeks where you'll have to stop gaming. Then, they'll loosen up their guard and you can start playing games again. It's basically a cycle. 3) Talk to him. Seems like you've tried without much success. It probably won't work.No matter how much you reason with him, if he insists of being unreasonable, you won't be able to do anything. 4) Get someone he respects to talk to him - Would be much more effective than you talking to him. The problem is getting him to talk to a person who would talk on your behalf. Also, where is your mother on this matter? Is she with your dad [which I'm assuming she is?], or is she neutral or on your side?
Thanks for the advice (i just woke up to some great advice, thanks!). A few things, first off my mother is slightly in my favor, but hse is scared to go against my father, so she is essentially neutral. Kind of like the mother in Purple Hibiscus, if you've read that book. I do not know who my father would respect, as he seems not to have respect for anybody. F.E. if we are in public, and he does not get priority, he just yells at the people working, because he thinks he's better than them.
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What your mom thinks? Is she being hard on you too? What if you ask your mom to talk with him a little?
But i gotta agree with this for the most part:
On September 18 2011 14:35 SuperbWingman wrote:
15 years old? You're really young dude. I know you may not realize it but your dad obviously does. What you need to do is stop with the "how do i combat him" mentality and try to find common ground. You have to prove to him that you are ready for more freedom not by sitting him down and telling him but by giving him the results he is looking for without him having to ask.
I understand that he is trying to his best to help you succeed, but OP seem to have very good grades already so i don't see any harm on playing video games on your free time as long as you control it, i.e it doesn't get out of hand and start getting bad grades etc. So i think his father is a bit too hard on him on that matter.
Being rebellious or anything like that won't really help. Wouldn't suggest that.
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Honestly he's probably just looking out for you in his own, weird way. He wants you to be successful and hes "guiding" you.
Unless hes being physically or verbally abusive I wouldn't suggest doing anything drastic like some of these people are suggesting. Although talking to your school counselor or sitting down both your parents and confronting them about these issues is what I would do.
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Another option will require your patience and dedication. You have to sacrifice your love of soccer and videogames until your dad breaks.
Stop doing school work.
Just. Stop.
He won't let you play soccer or video games, that's fine, sit in your room and stare at a wall.
If he forces you to do work, sits over your shoulder and watches. Do poor work that he has to constantly correct. Refuse to hand it in when it's done.
His main goal seems to be forcing you to get the best grades possible. You can't get grades if you don't do work. You can't get graded if you don't hand in school work. When teachers ask you whats wrong, you tell them you can't focus on school because your dad is a nutbar.
His power trip backfires if you take control of the one thing that he's trying to be in control over. And that's your grades. Let him control your gaming and soccer life, those are distractions for him, what he's REALLY trying to control is your schooling, and the amusing FACT about that is that it's the one thing he truly can not control. He can't force you to do good work, and he can't force you to perform well on tests. As you take control of your school work, he'll lose his shit, but you'll be in control. Let him take your door, watch your marks drop 10%. Let him take your computer, watch your marks drop another 20%. Let him ban you from soccer, watch those failing grades appear on the next report card. He goes even more extreme, you stop going to school.
You tell him "Dad, every time you ban me from something I love, I promise you that my marks will get worse. I'm responsible enough to balance my own life, and I can still get the grades you want while playing soccer, videogames, and leaving my door closed. I can't focus on school when you remove the things I need in my life to relieve the stress of school, I get anxious and my marks get worse."
The obvious CON to this plan is that you may have to stay in high school for an extra semester or year to make up the classes you fail. The PRO is that you take control away from your dad, and show him that his unacceptable actions have negative repercussions that he can't control.
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On September 19 2011 01:58 Nemireck wrote:
Another option will require your patience and dedication. You have to sacrifice your love of soccer and videogames until your dad breaks.
Stop doing school work.
Just. Stop.
He won't let you play soccer or video games, that's fine, sit in your room and stare at a wall.
If he forces you to do work, sits over your shoulder and watches. Do poor work that he has to constantly correct. Refuse to hand it in when it's done.
His main goal seems to be forcing you to get the best grades possible. You can't get grades if you don't do work. You can't get graded if you don't hand in school work. When teachers ask you whats wrong, you tell them you can't focus on school because your dad is a nutbar.
His power trip backfires if you take control of the one thing that he's trying to be in control over. And that's your grades. Let him control your gaming and soccer life, those are distractions for him, what he's REALLY trying to control is your schooling, and the amusing FACT about that is that it's the one thing he truly can not control. He can't force you to do good work, and he can't force you to perform well on tests. As you take control of your school work, he'll lose his shit, but you'll be in control. Let him take your door, watch your marks drop 10%. Let him take your computer, watch your marks drop another 20%. Let him ban you from soccer, watch those failing grades appear on the next report card. He goes even more extreme, you stop going to school.
You tell him "Dad, every time you ban me from something I love, I promise you that my marks will get worse. I'm responsible enough to balance my own life, and I can still get the grades you want while playing soccer, videogames, and leaving my door closed. I can't focus on school when you remove the things I need in my life to relieve the stress of school, I get anxious and my marks get worse."
The obvious CON to this plan is that you may have to stay in high school for an extra semester or year to make up the classes you fail. The PRO is that you take control away from your dad, and show him that his unacceptable actions have negative repercussions that he can't control.
Ignorance is bliss? Maybe, it seems like a good idea, but in the long run to get into colleges and such, I need good grades
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Well that would be what spending the extra time in High School is for. You would redo those credits, ace them, and go to college a year later.
It's an extreme step though, I won't deny it.
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On September 19 2011 01:58 Nemireck wrote:
Another option will require your patience and dedication. You have to sacrifice your love of soccer and videogames until your dad breaks.
Stop doing school work.
Just. Stop.
He won't let you play soccer or video games, that's fine, sit in your room and stare at a wall.
If he forces you to do work, sits over your shoulder and watches. Do poor work that he has to constantly correct. Refuse to hand it in when it's done.
His main goal seems to be forcing you to get the best grades possible. You can't get grades if you don't do work. You can't get graded if you don't hand in school work. When teachers ask you whats wrong, you tell them you can't focus on school because your dad is a nutbar.
His power trip backfires if you take control of the one thing that he's trying to be in control over. And that's your grades. Let him control your gaming and soccer life, those are distractions for him, what he's REALLY trying to control is your schooling, and the amusing FACT about that is that it's the one thing he truly can not control. He can't force you to do good work, and he can't force you to perform well on tests. As you take control of your school work, he'll lose his shit, but you'll be in control. Let him take your door, watch your marks drop 10%. Let him take your computer, watch your marks drop another 20%. Let him ban you from soccer, watch those failing grades appear on the next report card. He goes even more extreme, you stop going to school.
You tell him "Dad, every time you ban me from something I love, I promise you that my marks will get worse. I'm responsible enough to balance my own life, and I can still get the grades you want while playing soccer, videogames, and leaving my door closed. I can't focus on school when you remove the things I need in my life to relieve the stress of school, I get anxious and my marks get worse."
The obvious CON to this plan is that you may have to stay in high school for an extra semester or year to make up the classes you fail. The PRO is that you take control away from your dad, and show him that his unacceptable actions have negative repercussions that he can't control.
don't do this, it is a one way ticket to military / boarding school. I speak from experience lol
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On September 19 2011 02:27 ZoW wrote:Show nested quote +On September 19 2011 01:58 Nemireck wrote:
Another option will require your patience and dedication. You have to sacrifice your love of soccer and videogames until your dad breaks.
Stop doing school work.
Just. Stop.
He won't let you play soccer or video games, that's fine, sit in your room and stare at a wall.
If he forces you to do work, sits over your shoulder and watches. Do poor work that he has to constantly correct. Refuse to hand it in when it's done.
His main goal seems to be forcing you to get the best grades possible. You can't get grades if you don't do work. You can't get graded if you don't hand in school work. When teachers ask you whats wrong, you tell them you can't focus on school because your dad is a nutbar.
His power trip backfires if you take control of the one thing that he's trying to be in control over. And that's your grades. Let him control your gaming and soccer life, those are distractions for him, what he's REALLY trying to control is your schooling, and the amusing FACT about that is that it's the one thing he truly can not control. He can't force you to do good work, and he can't force you to perform well on tests. As you take control of your school work, he'll lose his shit, but you'll be in control. Let him take your door, watch your marks drop 10%. Let him take your computer, watch your marks drop another 20%. Let him ban you from soccer, watch those failing grades appear on the next report card. He goes even more extreme, you stop going to school.
You tell him "Dad, every time you ban me from something I love, I promise you that my marks will get worse. I'm responsible enough to balance my own life, and I can still get the grades you want while playing soccer, videogames, and leaving my door closed. I can't focus on school when you remove the things I need in my life to relieve the stress of school, I get anxious and my marks get worse."
The obvious CON to this plan is that you may have to stay in high school for an extra semester or year to make up the classes you fail. The PRO is that you take control away from your dad, and show him that his unacceptable actions have negative repercussions that he can't control. don't do this, it is a one way ticket to military / boarding school. I speak from experience lol
Ehh... He's 15 and I believe thats grade... 10? If so, the grades there don't go to university, so just pass the course and if he doesnt break then gg out and tryhard the next 2 years.
P.S. I have no idea how the american school honors thing work or how important it is, so if you really need those to do well, then I wouldnt throw your marks.
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honestly i have about the same problem as you, and im the same age
what i suggest is that you just ignore it. kind of like combatex's play style; never attack.
just stand up for your values and opinions, and if he says hes not driving you to soccer, walk or bike. parents need to know that they cant control you.
regarding how you deal with playing sc2 without them findign out, heres what i do
i have different desktops on my laptop, so i usually set one desktop as my "work desktop" and the other as "play desktop", and i open sc2 on one, and my work on the other
the program is called Dextop
http://dexpot.de/index.php?lang=en
if you have to hide file that contains starcraft, just make a .batch file which looks like a system addon due to its icon
http://www.lytebyte.com/2007/06/25/how-to-lock-and-hide-folders-in-windows-without-additional-software/
follow the steps there to make the file
remember to name the .batch something weird (like on my pc theres a uninstalled windows update titled "0635104fbd9ecc88fae78065899634", so i made my .bat file "092348ggreas909f9aab990esgya122"
if you don't want to change the name of the batch file put it inside a folder and change the icon of the folder to something weird by right clicking on the file and selecting properties, then customize and change the icon
remove your files from seach by simply disabling search, follow steps here: http://www.ehow.com/how_5113822_disable-windows-desktop-search.html
hope this helps
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
Pretty much your only option is to deal with it for three years.
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On September 19 2011 02:58 Snet wrote:
Pretty much your only option is to deal with it for three years.
Trust this guy
He rips of screaming ladies panties for a living
+ Show Spoiler +
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688 Posts
this is a common problem, especially with asians where parents want their child to succeed so much that they try to control their lives where studying dominates their lives. I had the a similar thing happen to me with my dad until college where I moved away. Now we rarely ever talk to each other and I don't have any plans to change that. Sure the kids might grow up to be successful but the relationship with their parents might be fucked up beyond repair. I can only hope you can get it sorted out with your dad, good luck.
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yehh i'm 16 and i have parents like this... i have less of an excuse because my grades aren't where i'd like them to be  i think if i had grades like yours my mom would hassle me a lot less...
i just play whenever i can and i agree with snet there, i'm just waiting for college to come when i move out and i can play when i want ^^
don't listen to nemireck, as tempting as it is to punish your dad back he doesn't lose anything from it and you lose a lot. keep your grades up and submit to what your dad asks you to do for the most part. when my mom comes in and asks me to stop playing i'll usually ask for 5 more minutes to finish my game up but when she doesn't want to hear it she'll just unplug the internet :s
so yeah, just stick it out ^^
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EPT
