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*OK, I've had some trouble with my parents and their control over my life for some while now, and have been trying to combat it on my own, through friends, and such. I would like the public's opinion on this issue, and how to help convince my parents that dictating my life is not right. Here's my story*
Hi, I am 15 years old, and I am struggling with my parents (as I feel like many people are at this age). My dad especially has his opinions on what he believes is right, and he sticks to them no matter what. He believes in a Hobbesian point of view, where he believes I am inately evil, and he needs to control my live, my free time, and my study time to have me succeed. In my sophomore year, at a difficult charter school, I am working like crazy to get good grades, and juggling soccer along with that. I am an E-SPORTS fanatic, and I would like to use my little free time to play video games, but my father greatly restricts my play time, as well as overall fun time in favor of additional studying. He also pressures me to the extremes, making me scared I am going to just pop.
I have been consulting with my clan mates(thanks Nortac!) about what to do about his nazi-like control of my life, and we decided that I should approach him directly about treating me like I'm my age, and not 5. When I confront him about allowing me to use my free time with a little more fun, he essentially freaks out and does not listen to me, but rather decides that he has not been strict enough on me and shortens my rations. His freak outs have been rather severe, and have forced me into a tough time. If i go even seconds above my ration, he has closed my computer, taken my doors off of the hinges (making me doorless, which is an issue I’m about to mention), as well as other harsh rulings.
An example of his dictatorship is with a simple issue. I would like the privacy of having my door closed, yet he does not allow me to close it. In our house, if the door is open to my room, it feels like the entire house is in my room. I have asked him many times to allow me to close it, but in return he threatens me with several punishments as possibilities. Although this might seem juvenile, to me its almost a war of attrition.
I have thought of many ways to try and combat him. One idea I’ve had is to contact people with authority at my school (such as the school shrink) to talk to him. I brought up the idea of having a possible “counseling session” between us with the school counselor/shrink and he immediately asked what was wrong with his parenting that way it was. I am still considering talking with the counselor by myself to see if she has any advice.
<side-story1>
Last year at school, one of my teachers believed that I was anxious, and really under pressure and stressed out. After talking to me with it, I finally told someone about what my parents were doing, and actually came to the epiphany myself that my parents controlled my life. The teacher recommended seeing somebody, but at the time, I had not thought of it as a large issue, I was just submitted into believing that his way of parenting was OK. So, I decided to combat it by myself, and I thought I had cleared everything up when my dad was being nice to me, and positive about everything. This has not been the case.
</side-story1>
One more recent story was, last night I was playing starcraft, and my dad decided that I can’t play video games any more. He said that unless I quit gaming, he won’t drive me to the soccer games. I decided to continue playing for 2 minutes to finish the game, and he did not drive me 10 minutes to school to get transported to soccer today. (i had to get a ride with a friend, so did not end up that bad).
His dominance over me, a nearly 16 year old kid, has caused me to have a subdued personality, and I have not been able to really enjoy life over the last year or so.
I don’t really know what else to say, but I really need some ideas on how to deal with this issue. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading until the end!
P.S. this is the first time I've been able to see everything that’s happened like this, with the teacher it was aloud, and it was almost surreal, so I apologize if what I said seemed unimportant, or if they really aren’t that bad.
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I'm not really good with advice, so I can't really give you any, but hopefully someone on here can give you a good solution
Good Luck!
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I totally understand your issue, if you look at some of my previous blogs i face similar issues as you except with violence.
Do what i did, play starcraft but hide it, if you need tips on how to hide it i should make a guide....
No need to change what he believes, do what you want and tell him what he wants to hear.
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tell that cocksucker of a dad off. and if he doesnt change leave, remember its not about the video games its about the restof your life so if tis that bad then you need to leave
User was warned for this post
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On September 18 2011 13:41 Spray wrote:
tell that cocksucker of a dad off. and if he doesnt change leave, remember its not about the video games its about the restof your life so if tis that bad then you need to leave
Its not necessarily about the video games, its the fact that he wants to control my life, and is essentially trying to relive what he believes to be the best childhood through me.
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On September 18 2011 13:47 lvatural wrote:
how are your grades?
I have all As and a few Bs. my non weighted gpa was about 3.8 freshman year, with all but 1 honors/ap classes.
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On September 18 2011 13:39 YPang wrote:
I totally understand your issue, if you look at some of my previous blogs i face similar issues as you except with violence.
Do what i did, play starcraft but hide it, if you need tips on how to hide it i should make a guide....
No need to change what he believes, do what you want and tell him what he wants to hear.
i had a similar situation (without violence luckily) and i did what you suggested, do what i want and tell him what he wants to hear...well at some point down the line his overly suspicious nature caught on to the fact that i wasnt doing what i was telling him, ala i was playing sc and talking with friends rather than studying (which imo i didnt need to do, what i needed to do was actually write out written work instead of just getting 90s on tests)
the consequences sucked, and although things managed to work out a bit since then im pretty sure ive lost his trust and support for life (or at least til I can legally drink, hes quite the alcoholic T__T; and he hated my older brother til he could drink w/him at which point they were suddenly like old friends >.>)
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I know someone who has a similar problem to yours, only it's his mom, and it's slightly different. You actually have it worse off than him =( especially with the not driving you to soccer business.
I like the idea of consulting another adult like a school shrink. If your dad feels like you are incapable of your own choices/innately evil then find someone else with authority who disagrees with his beliefs. There are millions of other children with less parental dominance who came out fine.
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On September 18 2011 13:41 Spray wrote:
tell that cocksucker of a dad off. and if he doesnt change leave, remember its not about the video games its about the restof your life so if tis that bad then you need to leave
uncalled for. ban?
anyway, i've been through this before when i was a kid.. it's just his way of caring for you man... when you grow up you'll realize, as i did, that things happen that way sometimes growing up. when i became older, he became more lenient and less controlling. He is just concerned about your future. A nice sit down and talk would help alot. He should realize that you're at an age where certain decisions should be up to you. Anyway, good luck. And family first always.
User was warned for this post
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On September 18 2011 13:51 bebe01 wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 13:41 Spray wrote:
tell that cocksucker of a dad off. and if he doesnt change leave, remember its not about the video games its about the restof your life so if tis that bad then you need to leave
uncalled for. ban? anyway, i've been through this before when i was a kid.. it's just his way of caring for you man... when you grow up you'll realize, as i did, that things happen that way sometimes growing up. when i became older, he became more lenient and less controlling. He is just concerned about your future. A nice sit down and talk would help alot. He should realize that you're at an age where certain decisions should be up to you. Anyway, good luck. And family first always.
I have tried a sit down talk with him, but he just freaks out and starts screaming at me without bothering to listen. Maybe I'm not doing the sit down talk right? I have been asking him why he does it, or if I could be granted more freedom, but how should I "correctly" go about talking to him?
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On September 18 2011 13:53 wattabeast wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 13:51 bebe01 wrote:On September 18 2011 13:41 Spray wrote:
tell that cocksucker of a dad off. and if he doesnt change leave, remember its not about the video games its about the restof your life so if tis that bad then you need to leave
uncalled for. ban? anyway, i've been through this before when i was a kid.. it's just his way of caring for you man... when you grow up you'll realize, as i did, that things happen that way sometimes growing up. when i became older, he became more lenient and less controlling. He is just concerned about your future. A nice sit down and talk would help alot. He should realize that you're at an age where certain decisions should be up to you. Anyway, good luck. And family first always. I have tried a sit down talk with him, but he just freaks out and starts screaming at me without bothering to listen. Maybe I'm not doing the sit down talk right? I have been asking him why he does it, or if I could be granted more freedom, but how should I "correctly" go about talking to him?
He seems a bit psycho to me. I vouch for the counselor style.
On a side note, i sit around being mad i cant play starcraft 2 for more than 5 hours and how my parents are always suspicious but never check(thank god) of substance abuse. Your situation seems entirely more worse and you should work to rectify it.
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My two cents:
Attempt to get them into school with a counseling session, from the sounds of your situation it seems this may not happen, but I think if you come from that angle if he keeps his parenting up the way he is, you're going to resent him the rest of your life it may get you started on the right track to fixing the problem.
If he is opposed to this for whatever reason, I think you should approach him on your own, see if he's willing to at least hear you out, even if it doesn't mean he changes anything at all. At the very least being able to get it off your chest and explain how you're feeling can help alleviate some of the stress you're feeling.
As a complete last resort, if he refuses to budge and you can't take it anymore: fight him. I'm talking a serious fight, call him out on the spot, if he doesn't fist up, punch him in the gut to show you're not budging, and duke it out. Obviously if your dad is as crazy as he sounds, he may beat the living hell out of you, so I'd suggest doing this around someone else in your family so they can end the fight should things get out of hand. In the end, you either get to say you beat your dad up and got your wishes granted, just beat your dad up, or at the least stood up for yourself and proved you aren't going to take any of this crazy bullshit from him anymore. Again, this should absolutely be a last resort, as violence with parents (especially between father and son) can result in an extreme disruption in the balance of power in the relationship (assuming the child wins). This may be exactly what you need though, since it seems like you're not looking for complete independence, but just a little space.
Good luck whichever way you attempt to solve the problem, just don't tank your own future trying to get back at your dad, it's not worth it and in the end you'll be able to move out and never him again if you so choose.
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I had a friend who had a similar problem to you. Honestly, I doubt you can change him. Just kiss some ass until you graduate, and when you hit university...never look back. You will have so much freedom in college and will essentially be able to do whatever the fuck you please.
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On September 18 2011 14:14 tests wrote:
I had a friend who had a similar problem to you. Honestly, I doubt you can change him. Just kiss some ass until you graduate, and when you hit university...never look back. You will have so much freedom in college and will essentially be able to do whatever the fuck you please.
My dad is an asshole to me, for stupid reasons too, But im doing this, im just holding out till i grauduate then telling him to fuck off and never talking to him again.
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On September 18 2011 14:25 Yung wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 14:14 tests wrote:
I had a friend who had a similar problem to you. Honestly, I doubt you can change him. Just kiss some ass until you graduate, and when you hit university...never look back. You will have so much freedom in college and will essentially be able to do whatever the fuck you please. My dad is an asshole to me, for stupid reasons too, But im doing this, im just holding out till i grauduate then telling him to fuck off and never talking to him again.
I would like to try and obtain a positive relationship with my parents, not just ignore them for the rest of my life.
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On September 18 2011 14:25 Yung wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 14:14 tests wrote:
I had a friend who had a similar problem to you. Honestly, I doubt you can change him. Just kiss some ass until you graduate, and when you hit university...never look back. You will have so much freedom in college and will essentially be able to do whatever the fuck you please. My dad is an asshole to me, for stupid reasons too, But im doing this, im just holding out till i grauduate then telling him to fuck off and never talking to him again.
Eh, you shouldn't stop talking to him. Pretty sure parents do what they do because they feel they know "best" for their children. They just want you to grow up and be as successful as possible. You should definitely continue talking to him. Just let him or her know that your old enough to take care of your self and make your own decisions.
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On September 18 2011 14:28 tests wrote:Show nested quote +On September 18 2011 14:25 Yung wrote:On September 18 2011 14:14 tests wrote:
I had a friend who had a similar problem to you. Honestly, I doubt you can change him. Just kiss some ass until you graduate, and when you hit university...never look back. You will have so much freedom in college and will essentially be able to do whatever the fuck you please. My dad is an asshole to me, for stupid reasons too, But im doing this, im just holding out till i grauduate then telling him to fuck off and never talking to him again. Eh, you shouldn't stop talking to him. Pretty sure parents do what they do because they feel they know "best" for their children. They just want you to grow up and be as successful as possible. You should definitely continue talking to him. Just let him or her know that your old enough to take care of your self and make your own decisions.
I do agree with this, but my dad is an asshole to everyone, its hard to explain but if you knew him you would understand.
I would like to try and obtain a positive relationship with my parents, not just ignore them for the rest of my life.
Yeah i understand that, but im still going to talk to my mom because she is cool.
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15 years old? You're really young dude. I know you may not realize it but your dad obviously does. What you need to do is stop with the "how do i combat him" mentality and try to find common ground. You have to prove to him that you are ready for more freedom not by sitting him down and telling him but by giving him the results he is looking for without him having to ask.
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I know what you mean about the door closing issue, but my parents don't care nowhere near as much as yours, although they do occasionally bring it up
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EPT
