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I guess this is a girl blog, in a sense, but it is different because I've been with this girl for about a year and a half.
We met at out previous job. She decided to move away from the city we lived in and I went with her. She got a job witht he Government, and I as a Network Engineer. She has a kid, 6 years old, who has lived with us for about 6 months. When we met she was still married and going through a divorce. She is 29, I am 26. I have no debt she has about 30k in debt from her marriage and her cunthole shitface ex husband.
Now when we first met we each had our own place, and she was still somewhat married. We confided and learned about each other blah blah blah..Stayed together, now she's divorced and we live together with her kid.
Now I knew she had a kid and it didn't really scare or bother me, but recently I've just felt ...different. 75% of my salary goes into bills and debt payments, a debt which is not my own, the rest goes into providing for this kid, which is also not my own. Don't get me wrong but I love them both, quite a bit, if I didn't then I feel like I would have left by now.
We also have a 1 bedroom apartment and he mom is now here to visit and I feel so fuckign crowded with 4 people in this apartment and it's starting to get to me.
I don't want to leave, because I'll feel bad for the kid and the girl, but like what do I do? I don't want to be stuck paying for this fucking debt for the next 10 years for nothing. It's not like I got anything from it. I feel like I have no freedom and like I'm stuck, I'm only 26, I shouldn't feel like this.
Advice?
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How did you get stuck paying this debt in the first place? It doesn't sound like you guys are married yet and you've only been dating her for a year and a half. Seems to soon to be taking on all her financial burdens
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Man, that sucks I'm sorry 
Can you explain how you got into a position to be paying off her debt? Like are you engaged/married or anything of that sort? From the story it seems like the most obvious course of action would be for her to be paying off her debt, paying for whatever her child needs, and half of the rent/groceries/etc that you both share. Are you planning to marry this girl?
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I don't have much life experience and I'm quite a few years younger than you so I can only provide some thoughts. I would recommend just talking to her about how you are kind of uncomfortable with the current situation. You're both adults and bottom line is that you are doing her a huge favor. See where this goes.
General advice: Listen to your feelings and what YOU think about all this. This is a huge turnaround in your OWN life. You're by no means obligated to pay for her. And you might have to make your mind up: You seem to like her but at the same time you feel weird giving her so much money (might not be worth it?).
Although it's a hard decision you have to ask yourself if you'd rather leave/throw her out and feel sorry for her and the kid OR to feel sorry for yourself for a significant amount of time/the rest of your life (whatever it may be). If this is not WHAT YOU WANT, then don't do it and get your ass out of it as fast as you can. But first talk to her about all this, I'd say.
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I don't really know how it happened to be honest, it just kind of did, I mean she pays into it as well and I guess since we have a joitn bank account she just pays it.
I feel like it I just say hey, I'm not paying your debt anymore let's get different bank accounts, it's going to cause arguments about money and just lead to an awkward situation.
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don't let your current "crowded appartment" frustration cause damage in other areas. think about leaving due to dept payments separately from thinking about being frustrated by her mom visiting. If you decide on one thing because really you are angry about the other, that's not going to be good.
i don't have any advice on how to act on either of those behalves but please do not decide on one because of your feelings about the other. ;P
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Do you really love her ??? Do you want to spend rest of your life with her??
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On September 07 2011 23:47 TadH wrote:
I don't really know how it happened to be honest, it just kind of did, I mean she pays into it as well and I guess since we have a joitn bank account she just pays it.
I feel like it I just say hey, I'm not paying your debt anymore let's get different bank accounts, it's going to cause arguments about money and just lead to an awkward situation.
Whose idea was it for a joint bank account? You need to express your concerns to her. She probably doesn't know that 70% of your income is going into this. I think having your own bank account would be good and have your income deposited there. That way you can control how much money you're willing to invest into her and her child
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Having a joint bank account when you are just dating is asking for disaster. I know a lot of married couples that do not even have a joint bank account with each other.
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On September 07 2011 23:50 awu25 wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2011 23:47 TadH wrote:
I don't really know how it happened to be honest, it just kind of did, I mean she pays into it as well and I guess since we have a joitn bank account she just pays it.
I feel like it I just say hey, I'm not paying your debt anymore let's get different bank accounts, it's going to cause arguments about money and just lead to an awkward situation. Whose idea was it for a joint bank account? You need to express your concerns to her. She probably doesn't know that 70% of your income is going into this. I think having your own bank account would be good and have your income deposited there. That way you can control how much money you're willing to invest into her and her child
Oh she knows how much of my income goes into her debt, as I make more money then her. So she has to know, she's the one spending it. I think I'll mention getting different bank accounts to her and see where that goes.
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On September 07 2011 23:47 TadH wrote:
I don't really know how it happened to be honest, it just kind of did, I mean she pays into it as well and I guess since we have a joitn bank account she just pays it.
I feel like it I just say hey, I'm not paying your debt anymore let's get different bank accounts, it's going to cause arguments about money and just lead to an awkward situation.
If she's anything like my fiance then yes, it will at the very least create a lot of tension between you. The real question I guess is are you going to marry this girl? If yes then it might be best to just live with it until it does actually become your responsibility as well, although I don't think the feeling of paying off another persons debt will completely fade away. If you aren't going to marry her or aren't sure yet, you will need to talk to her about how you feel. The worse thing that can happen is you hold it in and release your feelings during other conversations/arguments.
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First of all, a lot of divorces and break ups happen because of money issues. Either get that shit sorted out properly, or expect it to end poorly. If it's a good relationship you will be able to reach a good decision for both of you.
- Get separate bank accounts. Decide what each of you will contribute towards what.
- If you are living together with this woman for quite some time and love her and her kid, I'd say it's not unreasonable to help support the cost of childcare unless you intend to leave soon. However, make sure the biological father is contributing his share, and pursue legal action if not.
- As for the debt, I'd say she needs to take care of that herself for now. Once you are married or together for 10 years kind of thing, then maybe you could contribute a part of your income towards paying off that debt. Even if it totally under her name, having a debt can have a big impact on the family. You should NOT be paying ~75% of your income towards her debt ever.
As for the mom issue, unless it is an extended stay, just make sure to get out of the house when you can for a little break from things for the next week or so. If it's an extended stay, have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about how it's not working for you.
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On September 07 2011 23:52 TadH wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2011 23:50 awu25 wrote:On September 07 2011 23:47 TadH wrote:
I don't really know how it happened to be honest, it just kind of did, I mean she pays into it as well and I guess since we have a joitn bank account she just pays it.
I feel like it I just say hey, I'm not paying your debt anymore let's get different bank accounts, it's going to cause arguments about money and just lead to an awkward situation. Whose idea was it for a joint bank account? You need to express your concerns to her. She probably doesn't know that 70% of your income is going into this. I think having your own bank account would be good and have your income deposited there. That way you can control how much money you're willing to invest into her and her child Oh she knows how much of my income goes into her debt, as I make more money then her. So she has to know, she's the one spending it. I think I'll mention getting different bank accounts to her and see where that goes.
Just don't be afraid of anything and know what YOU want! That's sooo important. Don't be afraid of talking, of arguing, of awkward situations, a possible seperation. Because that's what it sounds like when you say ... "Yeaaaaaah I MIGHT slightly brush on the topic of seperate bank accounts and then I'll maybe see where that goes ... I guess."
That's like not having a game plan in StarCraft. You won't get anywhere if you don't have an objective that you aim at.
Unless you want to completely submit yourself, make sure to figure that out.
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Thanks for the advice guys. I'm totally willing to share the cost of living and bills and stuff no problem, I'm not a deadbeat, but when I need to turn around and check my bank account after I get paid to find out there is only ~500 bucks left in it it's kind of depressing.
On the subject of the child's real father, he doesn't pay shit. Not one dime since they separated. Literally nothing. What recourse does she have in this matter, if anyone knows.
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Man, if you feel stuck, bail. You should never feel stuck in a permanent relationship. I never do with my wife and son, and the son wasn't exactly planned. (The wife kind of was, but I hadn't planned to marry her quite so soon.)
Remember: Her situation is not your responsibility, unless you choose to make it yours. It sounds like you don't like the position, which means you should get yourself out of it.
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Man that sounds terrible honestly. Given I don't know all of the little details involved in the situation, however if I were you I'd be out of there. I'm sure shes a nice person but whats stopping her from getting another divorce once you help her pay off all her debt? You can try to "fix" the situation but I agree with what you said about it making the situation worse/awkward because no matter what you agree on the problem will still be there. It was her choice to live the life she has now, it's not your responsibility to fix it. I think you probably deserve your own shot at life, not stuck fixing someone else's. Plus, I'm sure she doesn't want you to be with her if one of the reasons for it is because you feel sorry for her.
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On September 08 2011 00:05 TadH wrote:
Thanks for the advice guys. I'm totally willing to share the cost of living and bills and stuff no problem, I'm not a deadbeat, but when I need to turn around and check my bank account after I get paid to find out there is only ~500 bucks left in it it's kind of depressing.
On the subject of the child's real father, he doesn't pay shit. Not one dime since they separated. Literally nothing. What recourse does she have in this matter, if anyone knows.
She should be getting child support from him
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Calgary25981 Posts
I think relationships need honesty. If you feel a situation is shitty, you're not benefitting anyone by holding that back.
Until you're married, you shouldn't be assuming her debt. It just doesn't make sense and it's not fair. Just tell her that frankly. She might be a little offended when you bring it up, but it should be pretty easy to accept if you're firm and caring when you say it.
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The situation that is getting to you: are all problems basically connected through money? Would for example money for a bigger apartment fix that crowded feeling you have? Or is the fact, that at the moment you live in a four person household and the relationship itself, the main reason you feel you want to run away?
If all your problems could theoretically be fixed through money, you should stop thinking by yourself and tell her that the current situation is getting to you, so you can start to plan for the future together. Thinking about your feelings by yourself seems pointless to me, unless you suspect your urge to run away may be the relationship with her and the child and not only money.
Regarding the father of the child, I guess there are calculations for how much money a child needs per month, and he has to pay for part of that. I think fortune (and debt) that was created from the start of marriage until the point of separation is added together and divided in two, so half the debt should be his. This should have been settled by the lawyers and court at the divorce, so all debt she has is already only her half.
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On September 08 2011 00:26 Chill wrote:
I think relationships need honesty. If you feel a situation is shitty, you're not benefitting anyone by holding that back.
Until you're married, you shouldn't be assuming her debt. It just doesn't make sense and it's not fair. Just tell her that frankly. She might be a little offended when you bring it up, but it should be pretty easy to accept if you're firm and caring when you say it.
How does one pretend to be caring when he says he's not gonna help you out anymore?
Also I probably wouldn't mind the girl and the kid, but if I were in your situation the mom part would probably make me go crazy as well.
You probably should just talk to her and tell her what bothers you, isn't that the meaning of a relationship?
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EPT
