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On August 08 2011 19:46 imBLIND wrote:
I've talked to my parents about professional advice before, and they don't like it. He's gone to a few cheap sessions before, but my brother doesn't seem to change even after going 7-8 times. Maybe a more expensive shrink would help?
I think that would be a good idea, and it would probably be a good idea for you and the rest of the family to be involved as well. You seem to be very involved in what you can do to help him, and right now it doesn't seem to be working. Talking to a professional as a family about what your brother needs, what you can do and what not to do etc might be a good idea. I think that a good shrink will see it as a bigger picture than just your brother alone and how he alone should change, because the environment around him will be very important for that to happen.
Expensive doesn't mean good but there should be people out there with experience of similar situations, expensive or not so expensive.
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get professional help, again, from someone good and appropriate. not your church's minister or the local sharman that your christian doctor referred you to. there are people out there who resolve issues like this on a daily basis, unlike anything you can imagine.
stop dragging him to church, that shit is only good if you're a believer and if you have hope. otherwise its just another thing to blame
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Wow, what a difficult situation. I can't give you any advice other than keep loving him. I'll keep your family in my prayers.
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He is diagnosed as retarted but finished a course and is able to drive? I can't imagine that working out
He finished Computer Sciences? Is he any good with programing? Maybe he's open to try getting one of those jobs over the internet, making websites or programming something?
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I don't ink you can just kick him out because he is a real danger to himself, but I think you need to do something extreme like send him away for a month or two to some sort of institution that will be able to talk sense into him and help him sort out his life. At this point I don't think there's anything that will help aside from intensive professional help.
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It sounds like he has never actually found anything he enjoyed in life, though you said he once laughed at I Love Lucy. Honestly it almost sounds like hes autistic and has strange attraction to the most random things. Maybe he can do something television related; there must be something he likes otter than I Love Lucy.
by the way, I've started reading a book called Confederacy of dunces that has a main character that your brother reminds me of, with his strange social behaviors and reliance on his parents without really feeling the need to get a job. maybe it offers a solution
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Get him to a doctor/psychiatrist. I am by no means an expert, but it sounds to me like he has a mental condition. Some medical attention might help.
Or maybe he was for some reason born without any ambition or desire. These issues are always very blurry.
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It seems like you are very distant from your brother, and it will be an endless struggle helping him until that changes. From the sound of it he's insecure to an extreme and all the pressure you and your parents are putting on him is doing more harm than good. He may be in the body of a 29 year old, but his mental age could be that of a child's.
One of my greatest friends in my life was an autistic guy I met online, about the same age now as your brother. In all the years I've known him he hasn't aged mentally in the slightest. The 16 year old him I knew years ago is no different than the 27 year old guy I know today. He was able to conquer his fear of people by using internet forums and such, but it sounds like your brother isn't willing to do that because he's had too many bad experiences.
Do NOT kick him out unless you consult a professional about the situation first. By the sounds of it he is a danger to himself and those around him and in his state of mind he's just too volatile. He's depressed, scared, and angry at himself and everyone around him. He struggles to express himself verbally, so he needs a physical outlet to fill that role in his life. His resistance to you and your family may be his way of coping with his own situation.
What he needs now is a friend, and as someone else pointed out you are acting more like a parent than a brother. You mentioned that you hate it when your parents force him to go places, so be his ally and defend him. Forcing someone to do something you think will benefit them after they've communicated to you time and time again that they don't like doing that is a selfish act. It only makes you feel better having that reassurance that he actually left the house for awhile, but to him it's just another negative experience he was forced into by the people he should trust most.
I can tell you are all stressed and at wit's end, but keep in mind that no one has it worse than your brother right now. Reconnect with him; find out who he is. Spend a lot of time with him and try to find out about the things he likes doing and use that to bond with him. There has to be something he's passionate about in life, and you can use that to talk to him and work on his social skills. Ask him lots of questions, and try to give him the lead in conversation. If he opens up to you try and bring a friend into the picture. If he refuses, drop it, and ask him again in a week or so. Introducing him to an online forum related to his interests might help at a later stage as well. Just explain that there are people on there that would want to talk to him about that thing he loves, even if it's just a kid's show.
Building his social skills may be he confidence booster he needs to pick himself up and face life head on.
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This thread kinda reminds me of the book mice and men, as if your brother is lennie and you are george. Anywho, I agree with other people where you should try and get close to your brother bro to bro, and eventually make him go around with you and break out of his social shell.
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Well if he managed to get a B.S in Comp Sci, he cant be retarded. I have to guess some kind of autism like alot of other people here.
Also this thing when you force him to church is really disturbing. Trying to shove a religion down someones throat is never good, even if it is a family member. Luckily it seems like he is too smart to fall for that crap?
EDIT: If his autism is severe enough it is possible that he'll never will manage to hold down a normal job. My sister works with that kind of thing.
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I haven't heard about what he wants.
I heard a lot about what is wrong with him, what people want him to do, fair enough, but what makes him happy? Is he unhappy? Where are his thoughts on all of this?
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On August 08 2011 22:07 Sablar wrote:Show nested quote +On August 08 2011 19:46 imBLIND wrote:
I've talked to my parents about professional advice before, and they don't like it. He's gone to a few cheap sessions before, but my brother doesn't seem to change even after going 7-8 times. Maybe a more expensive shrink would help?
I think that would be a good idea, and it would probably be a good idea for you and the rest of the family to be involved as well. You seem to be very involved in what you can do to help him, and right now it doesn't seem to be working. Talking to a professional as a family about what your brother needs, what you can do and what not to do etc might be a good idea. I think that a good shrink will see it as a bigger picture than just your brother alone and how he alone should change, because the environment around him will be very important for that to happen. Expensive doesn't mean good but there should be people out there with experience of similar situations, expensive or not so expensive.
Quoting because of how good this advice sounds to me in your situation.
(I'm also almost 100% sure there are psychiatrist who specialize in autism. Perhaps that's also something your family can look into?)
It's probably also very good for your parents being able to talk about this problem with a professional. Because you are saying they are getting depressed and hopeless and in that state of mind (although perhaps understandable given how much they tried) they certainly can't help your brother.
ps. It sounds a bit to me as if your brother has trouble finding a purpose in life / feeling useful / contributing to society in a meaningful manner. If that is indeed the case and he gets very depressed by it, it might even cause him to shutting down completely.
And forcing him to go to church is something that can enhance this feeling even further. Although your parents are without a doubt doing it with the best intentions at heart it's not the correct path imo.
At his age finding God/religion is something you have to do on your own. Not because your parents make you go to church. No matter the amount of money you spent on the extra help for him to understand it. It just won't work if he isn't open to it. Or perhaps even blames God for the way he feels / his body behaves.
pps. I also agree with you that it would be healthier for everybody if he had something to do during the day. Or if all other options have failed a day care facility where he can go during the day to give your parents some rest. But this might perhaps only be available for people with a much more severe form as it seems your brother has. It's very hard to judge from a forum post.
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EPT
