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Active: 1515 users

I miss you; Two years since my Mom's passing.

Blogs > ShoCkeyy
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ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-14 21:28:11
June 14 2011 21:09 GMT
#1
It's been two years since her passing and it seems like I just get worse and worse every year that I'm with out her. I'm crying right now as I write this; I can't hold the pain in any more. I feel like I want to explode every day. My life may change, but the pain I carry everyday that I can't speak, see, hear my mom doesn't. It's been the hardest two years of my life. For those that say they hate their parents, for those that always fight with your parents, that take your parents for granted; Please I urge you to reconsider your feelings towards them. I urge you to make your bond with your parents as best as you can, 'cause once they leave this world, it will hit you on how much you will miss them. It has never been the same for me and it will never be. My mom put up with everything I did, everything I ever put her through. I think back and I regret everything I've ever done in my teen years. I look back and just think about the good times I've had with her. I remember this one year, we had no money at all, yet we made enough to take a vacation to Orlando. That was my fondest memory of her and I. That was the last time I ever actually hanged out with my mom and I was only 14. I regret not going out with her more, I regret not spending more time with her.



My mom dedicated this song to me when I was a child and forever young my mom will be in my heart.

I love you Mom, what I would do just to be with you again.
[image loading]

****
Life?
obesechicken13
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10467 Posts
June 14 2011 21:17 GMT
#2
How'd she die?


I regret not going out with her more, I regret not spending more time with her.

If it was sudden, you wouldn't have had much chance to. If it wasn't then you at least got an opportunity to spend some time with her.
I think in our modern age technology has evolved to become more addictive. The things that don't give us pleasure aren't used as much. Work was never meant to be fun, but doing it makes us happier in the long run.
ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
June 14 2011 21:22 GMT
#3
On June 15 2011 06:17 obesechicken13 wrote:
How'd she die?

Show nested quote +

I regret not going out with her more, I regret not spending more time with her.

If it was sudden, you wouldn't have had much chance to. If it wasn't then you at least got an opportunity to spend some time with her.

She had a heart problem and went in for a routine check up. No one thought anything of it, it was a small problem. Well during the check up, one of her valves exploded and they had to preform open heart surgery. She didn't make it past recovery. The thing is as well, I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom before she passed away.
Life?
te3l
Profile Joined August 2010
Canada126 Posts
June 14 2011 21:23 GMT
#4
I cant say I know how it feels but being without someone that you have known for so long for sucks. I got all teary eyed reading. I can't imagine how I would be if i lost my mom although she is half way around the world and I cant physically see her just knowing that she is okay puts my mind at ease. It's good you're letting it out through an outlet instead of keeping it bottled. I'm sorry for your loss.

You say your life has been getting worse and worse, what's up?

ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
June 14 2011 21:27 GMT
#5
My life is fine, but emotionally, I get worse and worse. I feel like soon I just won't have any emotions at all from the pain I go through everyday.
Life?
Pandain
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States12989 Posts
June 14 2011 21:45 GMT
#6
My Dad died when I was in third grade. I guess I'm actually luckier than you because I hardly knew him, even now he's a faint memory of a childhood long gone. But I'm sure at the time he was as physically present as day and night, for tears rolled out of my eyes when I heard of his passing.

But you have to remember: There's nothing you can do. Over the years my tears stopped flowing and, while I never forget him, I don't mourn him. I celebrate him, I rejoice in the fact that I was able to live in the presence of someone who was so "holy." I mean, I'm not celebrating his death(that would be weird), but I celebrate and cherish the memories we share. At one point or another you should realize that she never truly died, for her influence spreads itself with every passing moment. Her body may not be with us, but she certainly is.

And never forget that your mom was never angry at you, or hated you, or even truly in a fight. Your mom loved you like only a mother can, and you must never forget that she loved you until the end.
Maliris
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
Northern Ireland2557 Posts
June 14 2011 21:47 GMT
#7
how old are you and how old was she went she died?
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."
ulszz
Profile Blog Joined June 2007
Jamaica1787 Posts
June 14 2011 21:48 GMT
#8
keep on fighting man... must be tough as hell.

the sadness of the thread and subject reminds me of this song



I was going through your old blogs and saw one about colorado university. u still go there? i'm in boulder now
everliving, everfaithful, eversure
te3l
Profile Joined August 2010
Canada126 Posts
June 14 2011 21:54 GMT
#9
On June 15 2011 06:45 Pandain wrote:
But you have to remember: There's nothing you can do. Over the years my tears stopped flowing and, while I never forget him, I don't mourn him. I celebrate him, I rejoice in the fact that I was able to live in the presence of someone who was so "holy." I mean, I'm not celebrating his death(that would be weird), but I celebrate and cherish the memories we share. At one point or another you should realize that she never truly died, for her influence spreads itself with every passing moment. Her body may not be with us, but she certainly is.

And never forget that your mom was never angry at you, or hated you, or even truly in a fight. Your mom loved you like only a mother can, and you must never forget that she loved you until the end.

This is so touching
Trezeguet
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States2656 Posts
June 14 2011 22:12 GMT
#10
Did your mom teach you to be such a generous person?
damahammer
Profile Joined May 2010
Germany111 Posts
June 14 2011 23:26 GMT
#11
a great thread, your mom can be proud having a child which cares so much about her
Sauron
Profile Joined November 2008
Romania169 Posts
June 14 2011 23:31 GMT
#12
I don't post much but this is a great blog. 5 stars.
Soothsayer
ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
June 15 2011 00:08 GMT
#13
On June 15 2011 06:45 Pandain wrote:
My Dad died when I was in third grade. I guess I'm actually luckier than you because I hardly knew him, even now he's a faint memory of a childhood long gone. But I'm sure at the time he was as physically present as day and night, for tears rolled out of my eyes when I heard of his passing.

But you have to remember: There's nothing you can do. Over the years my tears stopped flowing and, while I never forget him, I don't mourn him. I celebrate him, I rejoice in the fact that I was able to live in the presence of someone who was so "holy." I mean, I'm not celebrating his death(that would be weird), but I celebrate and cherish the memories we share. At one point or another you should realize that she never truly died, for her influence spreads itself with every passing moment. Her body may not be with us, but she certainly is.

And never forget that your mom was never angry at you, or hated you, or even truly in a fight. Your mom loved you like only a mother can, and you must never forget that she loved you until the end.


Pandain my respect for you has mutliplied by x1000. I thank you for these comforting words at a moment like this.

On June 15 2011 06:47 Maliris wrote:
how old are you and how old was she went she died?


I am about to turn 22, she passed away when she was 51; I was 19.

On June 15 2011 07:12 Trezeguet wrote:
Did your mom teach you to be such a generous person?

Yes she did and learned by watching her. My mom was always generous and I still want to know exactly how your MLG went


And thank you everyone for your kind words, I love this community and I hope to keep serving it.
Life?
obesechicken13
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10467 Posts
June 15 2011 00:17 GMT
#14
On June 15 2011 06:22 ShoCkeyy wrote:
Show nested quote +
On June 15 2011 06:17 obesechicken13 wrote:
How'd she die?


I regret not going out with her more, I regret not spending more time with her.

If it was sudden, you wouldn't have had much chance to. If it wasn't then you at least got an opportunity to spend some time with her.

She had a heart problem and went in for a routine check up. No one thought anything of it, it was a small problem. Well during the check up, one of her valves exploded and they had to preform open heart surgery. She didn't make it past recovery. The thing is as well, I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom before she passed away.

Maybe she just didn't want to pass away with you still wanting her, maybe she wanted to push you away with the fight because she thought it would make you not miss her as much. I think that's what I would do.
I think in our modern age technology has evolved to become more addictive. The things that don't give us pleasure aren't used as much. Work was never meant to be fun, but doing it makes us happier in the long run.
Maliris
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
Northern Ireland2557 Posts
June 15 2011 00:28 GMT
#15
So sad I am 19 too and I'm really close to my mother, I can't imagine life without her atm ;-; i was tearing up reading the OP.
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."
AspenY
Profile Joined December 2010
19 Posts
June 15 2011 00:34 GMT
#16
sorry to hear, stay strong bud, all things happen for a reason
~~*tQ Fighting*~~
MetalMarine
Profile Joined June 2007
United States1559 Posts
June 15 2011 02:42 GMT
#17
That sucks man, truly sorry for your loss. I'd be devastated myself if I were in your position. Be strong and know that she loves you.
RaLakedaimon
Profile Joined August 2010
United States1564 Posts
June 15 2011 03:06 GMT
#18
So sorry for your loss brother I hope you can live a good life and I'm sure she'd be very proud of you for doing that. Nothing worse than losing your mother, stay strong man. Not much you can say to someone whose gone through something like this.
BLinD-RawR
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
ALLEYCAT BLUES50595 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-15 03:24:07
June 15 2011 03:23 GMT
#19
At least you still remember your mom and knew who she was,my dad died when I was 9(I'm 18 now) every year,I feel like I know less about him...I hope whatever fight you had with your mom before she died was something important because the last conversation I had with my dad was probably the most trivial argument ever(even for a 9 year old).
Brood War EICWoo Jung Ho, never forget.| Twitter: @BLinDRawR
VIB
Profile Blog Joined November 2007
Brazil3567 Posts
June 15 2011 03:38 GMT
#20
Well, one thing to enlighten your mood is that the fact that you miss and care so much about her, is because you had such a great mom. Some people lose their mom and are relieved it happened. These people would love to have had a mom they would miss one day, in the first place. And would envy you. You're blessed to have an awesome mom.

So when you're sad that she's gone. Try to remember that you're only sad because you had a wonderful mom that you got to spend all those times together. Remember how fortunate you were to have her in your life, in your education and in your memory.
Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people.
Sava90
Profile Joined July 2010
Denmark144 Posts
June 15 2011 03:38 GMT
#21
Its good that express your feelings about your mothers death, even if its on the internet. I wish I had the courage to do the same.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.
2WeaK
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
Canada550 Posts
June 15 2011 03:39 GMT
#22
This thread just brought a tear to my eye.

My mom passed away 4 years ago, from a cancer, supposedly hereditary but seems to be skipping a generation AFAIK. I'm 21, 17 when she passed away, she was however in .. I forget what they call it, basically she wasn't going to make it out, so I had a month to get used to it (I had a surgery of my own that went down the hole so I couldn't visit her much) but she died suddenly, she was constantly getting her stomach bloated (colon/intestin cancer) so I've always had this thought in my head that my dad/mom decided to end it early (I doubt I'll ever know).

I personally coped with it by picking up something she enjoyed (I never thought I'd like the CSI/Murder Investigation genre) Though she was always happy, she was never scared of death so she was always positive about it. I've mourned her enough for me, but whenever I go to my gramps, it's really tough.

Also, the generic "remember the good stuff" advice to me was really bad, did more harm than good for me as it would make me miss her even more. If anything I'd recommend just speaking out loud as if you were talking to her to get it out of you.

PS: What I think helped me get through most of it was when my friends did your mama jokes (Ironically, most of them didn't know about my mother's situation so they didn't believe me) and it just took the sadness away from the situation because my mom was that kind of "lulzy" person, she would always tell me to make fun of bad situations instead of being sad about them. (I'm aware this isn't how most people deal with it though)
HomicidaL
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States283 Posts
June 15 2011 03:43 GMT
#23
Keep on fighting man, Im truly sorry for your loss...ill pray for you. Im only 22 years old and I was a complete ass sometimes during my teenage also,your not alone in that. When I was 19 something inside me changed when I was working full time and I realized how much they done for me. Shes up above man, looking down on you and I am sure she is proud of you.
OneStepAbove
Profile Joined March 2008
United States45 Posts
June 15 2011 11:26 GMT
#24
Keep your head up, and do well for yourself. It will make mom happy.
a176
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Canada6688 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-15 11:36:58
June 15 2011 11:36 GMT
#25
perhaps these are the hardest on us gamers, being a predominately male demographic, we are most closest to our mothers, and especially considering the antisocial nature of some of us ... it can be hard, too hard.

starleague forever
Knap4life
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
Slovenia333 Posts
June 15 2011 11:43 GMT
#26
I lost my mother 5 years ago when i was 16. I know how it feels you think something like this could never happen to you and than it does and the world turns into black and white.I got over it , i am happy once again but that doesn't mean that i don't miss her anymore.Hang in there.
downmaster
Profile Joined April 2011
Canada116 Posts
June 15 2011 11:46 GMT
#27
I've never had anything like this happen to me, but I hope you all the better. Just remember part of your Mom lives through you. Nobody can ever take that away. Your mother raised you and taught you the values of life throughout the years. She made you who you are. She taught you how to be a human being knowing that whenever her time came you would be ready. If you want to feel more connected with her, try doing something she enjoyed doing. She will always live on through the people she touched.

R.I.P.
Grettin
Profile Joined April 2010
42381 Posts
June 15 2011 14:10 GMT
#28
hang in there! And sorry to hear all of this.

Rip!
"If I had force-fields in Brood War, I'd never lose." -Bisu
Bereft
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States1007 Posts
June 15 2011 14:28 GMT
#29
stay strong, shockeyy. losing a loved one is one of the most challenging things a person has to face in their lifetime. the fact that you're even able to speak to us about it shows a strength in itself. not everyone can talk about the areas in which we are vulnerable; not everyone can be so honest about things so close to heart. try not to focus on your regrets or what you wish you could've done... that will not change anything and will only make you unhappy about things that are irrelevant at this point, and for all you know, in the spirit of unconditional love, your mother gladly endured the tribulations you put her through.
adwodon
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
United Kingdom592 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-15 16:03:58
June 15 2011 16:01 GMT
#30
Sounds like you're quite young and going through an emotionally difficult time of life anyway, the situation of her death sounds extremely difficult to deal with. Loss isnt as bad when you know its coming, but a sudden shock can really shake a person, especially someone close to someone so young.

All I can say is dont regret being a dick sometimes to your parents, I can tell you now that no wise parent exects their kids to be angels, if anything its reassuring, you're just trying to be your own person when that happens, and while its a pain to deal with at the time you never look back on those times as pointless or wishing your child were different. I put my parents through hell sometimes but now they look back and have told me that actually I wasnt so bad and the person I am today made it more than worthwhile.
Kids are always a learning experience and you will have taught your mother a lot of great things about life, I guarantee it. Its a shame she couldnt find out more, but life is like that sometimes.

It can be hard to move on but you should try to live as a normal teenager, be strong for you mother and live a good life, sometimes you need to let it all out and thats why having forums like this where you can are a great thing.

My only worry for you is that you become insular, you sound really proud of your mother so I know she'd be proud of you and the best way to show that is to life a good, happy life, and remember the good times you spent with her, being sad is only natural but those times will pass and life will go on as normal eventually.
SmoKim
Profile Joined March 2010
Denmark10305 Posts
June 15 2011 17:00 GMT
#31
You are a amazing person ShoCkeyy and i am truly glad that i have had the pleasure of talking to you so much. If you ever need to talk (about ANYTHING) you always know where to find me <3!
"LOL I have 202 supply right now (3 minutes later)..."LOL NOW I HAVE 220 SUPPLY SUP?!?!?" - Mondragon
ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
June 15 2011 18:49 GMT
#32
Thanks guys, it's always nice to read stuff like this. Especially from SmoKim<3 Yea, I have always felt like TL is part of me, so I never hesitate to come to TL with my problems.
Life?
lIlIlIlIlIlI
Profile Blog Joined October 2004
Korea (South)3851 Posts
June 15 2011 18:56 GMT
#33
--- Nuked ---
Chesner
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
Iceland817 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-06-15 23:23:18
June 15 2011 23:21 GMT
#34
My dad took his own life when I was 11 (I am 22 now), I didn't know about this cause of death until few years ago and I was devastated by it. Still trying to cope with it, I've been so insanely angry with him at times.
Did he not love me? Was I not worth living for? Those are questions I have asked myself hundreds of times.

I came to the conclusion he was very ill, and nowadays I look past what he did and look at the great times we had. He lived in Germany and I used to go to him on the summers for a few weeks, those weeks were the best times of my life. He's the one that sparked my interest in computers and computer games, he was an avid Mac lover (I am not lol) and also he had a Sega and we'd play Sonic for hours to end.

I'm not sure if we were that close, but I'd like to think that we were. Fuck, I miss him so much right now. He'd have loved to play 2v2's with me in SC2 for sure, I just know it.

Anyways, I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I can't quite relate to your loss though, but in a way I can and my advise to you is, just think about all the good times you two had, don't think about the bad stuff, you had an argument? So what, that could have happened at any time of the week. She loved you more than anything, just think about that.
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