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This is my first blog entry.
I'm expected to do well but I think I am falling apart under pressure. My family, especially my dad, hopes that I will do well in school and get a degree fast. He's doing pretty well and he wants some family member to take over his business or at least become a big part of it when he retires. In ground school and high school and that shit I used to be the lazy underachiever. After I started at university I wanted to show everybody that I was also able to get things done and I got great grades, I had the best grade average of the 40 students on my line after two years. But now everything is going down the fucking drain, I just failed my final project on my bachelor of computer science. I fucking failed it.
I think that I am still the lazy underachiever. I managed to suppress that part of me for two years but he just showed up again and is tearing shit apart. Maybe I can manage to suppress him again but I don't think that I can ever kill him off. I don't know if I should keep fighting him or just accept my existence among all of the other lazy underachievers. I know that if I keep fighting him I will not be happy suppressing something that is such a great part of me, but I also know that if I let him take over I will fucking hate myself. I am intelligent. This is the only thing I've got going for me and he is trying to fucking ruin it.
The only way I could possibly satisfy myself, the social circle around me, and my lazy underachiever is if I get an expensive hobby to indulge in when I am being lazy. This way I would have to get a nice degree and a nice job and I'd have to perform well to get the money for the hobby that my lazy underachiever likes. But that's not how it is right now, I don't give a shit about money. I am privileged as fuck but I don't give a shit. Give me something to eat and someone to troll and I will be content. This will not continue though I am well aware of that. In like 8 years I will realize that "Hey dude, you're 30 years old, all you do is breath and troll and the people who used to care don't give a shit anymore. They moved on. The only people who give a shit is your family and you let them down. You are the biggest asshole on earth and there is nothing you can do about it. You dug a hole and you will never get out unless you invent a time machine, go back in time and SLAP that motherfucker you used to be around. And by SLAP I mean KICK HIS ASS". I don't know what I will do if I am a failure in 8 years, I don't think there will be any options for me at all other than spend the rest of my life trying to accept the sad realities.
tl;dr
I think life would be much easier if I weren't such an asshole, and I think that the only way to alleviate that is if reality HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER, TODAY.
On a semi-related note, I think a lot of privileged people could use a hammer to the face once in a while.
 
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Okay, i see where you are going at but where does Ikea fit in? Did i miss something in the thread?
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Ikea today, definitely. You don't want to put shopping off another day cause you'll just be kicking yourself later for it.
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I'm sorry about the project, but, it seems that there's still hope. You're upset that you failed it, meaning that you care about it. I myself am generally an underachiever, much to the chagrin of my parents, and they are worried about sending me off to college next year.
Normally, I'm scared to ladder, but recently, due to the lack of homework, I've found a way to get going on it. I sit at my desk, and tell myself:
"Alright, bronze ladder, fuck you. I'm getting on, so get ready for some bullshit. I don't care what happens. I'm going to likely lose 2/3 the games I play today, but even so, get the fuck ready for me. I'm gonna do this shit."
It helps me get stuff done outside of sc2 as well, like with my senior final essay. I sat at my computer, had my outline, and said something along those lines to myself. I made that essay my bitch.
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How in the world do you even get failed on a final computer science project? Did you just not do it?
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Try experimenting with your laziness. How does it react to sports? Are you fit? Perhaps try working on having a great body and look how your laziness feels about life then. Try meditating or yoga. What about different types of women? There has to be something that makes your laziness change or at least react interestingly. I think that is also what you suspect when you mention your expensive hobby idea.
If you failed your stuff because you simply did not do it, you may very well have a depression or something related (you mention you think you are crumbling under pressure) and should have a professional look into it. The question for that is, when was your brain in its natural state: in the two years where you were doing great at university or the years before and after that, where your laziness controls you. Did you really only suppress the laziness in those two years or is something else going on? At what point in time were you the most happy in general, excluding special circumstances? Was it in those two years or at some point before that?
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Yea, i'm a lot like you, but i've just accepted the lazyness. I have an exam in a few days and i just cant get myself to study, so i've just said "fuck it, i'll just see what happens". It's almost frightening how much your story reminds me of mine. In highschool i got really high grades but since then i just cant find the motivation for school. I guess once it gets hard i just abandon ship.
I dont care if i'm not successful, as long as i'm happy, and if you accept reality then whats not to be happy about?
So yea, just accept who you are, do your best, and stop worrying about the future. Stop convincing yourself that you need them.
You probably failed your project because you dont care enough, so what's the point of doing it anyways? A lot of people trick themselves into thinking that they need or want something that they actually dont, and then they fail because they dont REALLY want it, if that makes sense.
I dont really care about my exam. I want to do well and i'd be embarrassed if i fail, but i accept that i just dont have the motivation do try harder, and i'm loving it. Once i find something that i really want then i'll get it, until then i'll just see where life takes me :D
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Are you able to see long term goals? The short summary is force yourself to do well now, you probably only have 2-3 years left, tough it out and be rich. Or fail out, live with parents forever, be poor.
That's probably an extreme example but I was in your shoes not too long ago. I recommend researching your professors first (take the professors that will curve your grade), sure you need to learn but you also need that passing grade which will get you the piece of paper at the end of the day. I just kept telling myself I only need to tough out these next 2 years and I'm done. Never need to go to school again, go to work, collect points.
I graduated with a BS in Computer Science, it took me 5.5 years. I am about 3 years out of college and I make 140k or I could of been really bad, failed out, and have a really tough time finding a job that pays over 10/hr.
For the record: West Elm > Ikea
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When something like this happens, what you do is let yourself be upset about it for a bit, then set that aside and work on what comes next.
What does come next? If you fail a project like this, what are your choices? Do they give you a second chance, can you go back and rework what you were doing to address issues, or is school just over for you?
If you're that close to finishing, and you have the option to work on another project to finish, you should. In the long run it won't be that huge a setback and you will value having completed it that much more.
I failed out of college in the third year of a very difficult program, went elsewhere for a year (which they required me to do), and then went back to finish up. In the long run, that very painful time ended up being barely a blip in my long-term life story, but I can only imagine how annoying it would have been to just throw my hands up and give up at that point.
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EPT
