Brothers...I have traveled where no man should... - Page 2

I, too, sir, have traveled to that very land. A place where females thrive on stereotyping men as "walking aroused dicks" and gasp at the very site of any animal with fur and exaggerated size of eyes.



It was many years ago and the more I think back the more it pains me to relive such a torture. I figured it'd be a delightful film, a movie revolving around trivial matters and with a moral dart to truly sucker those who are gullible to their own emotions. True, I was being dragged along equally to see it, I kept my head held high and knew I was better than all these women of various shapes, sizes (yet pretentiously capable of rejecting my stares and luring gestures with my hands).

I didn't know what the movie was called, but the young dame who has shackled me to this 2 hour dawn of torment told me a woman named "Rachel McAdams' was in it. My eyebrows frowned with curiosity. Rachel McAdams? I flipped through my achronological memories to see if I can recall who she was. She must have been the leader of this cult of females who dare to perpetuate wild notions of love like: Some boy will be "The One" or the better: "We were meant to be together, it was destiny"!

On my side, I felt my date coil up around me, her legs bent and her face making an imprint on my sleeve. No matter what, I couldn't leave and I gripped the arms of my chair and held my breath as the opening credits started...

In cursive letters, the title waltzed on screen.





NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Not The Notebook! Anything but this. I hastily darted my eyes towards the nearest exit! I need to get out of here! I've heard horrors of this movie: An arrogant southerner, portrayed as a simpleton with simple needs and simple desires, falls in love with a female who comes from narrow-minded rich family. Somehow, contrasting lifestyles makes their love an intertwining contradiction of disapproval and hormonal sexual passion.

I tried to slip out, unravel myself like a cobra, but my date only clenched hard and my body receded all physical feeling. My mind became clouded as the movie pressed on, it tumbled through emotions I tried so hard to suppress with my testosterone. I stave the movie off with its creeping need to moist my eyes with questions of trivial logic: Why are they kissing in the rain? Why is he being such an annoying prick? Oh my God, just kiss already!

Wait, what? That wasn't a question. My ball and chain of breasts and revealing clothes has already lost the battle and my sleeve soon became a tissue. Damn her, I will not succumb to this film! NEVER! Back, back you fiendish ghoul of human-like sentiments! I said back!

The final scene rolled: the elderly man reading to the female. This cheap knock-off of Romeo and Juliet was nearly over and I will have survived when the final clincher bellowed from the main character's words...

Oh God...

The lights rolled forward and I shut my eyes hard before a tissue painted below the socket: "There there" she said: "guess the movie really hit home for you, eh?"

Fuck... she was right. I nodded and clamped my hands with her's. It truly did, I realized, as I jumped in our pick-up truck back to Alabama.

It truly did...