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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
I’ve noticed that an awful lot of the girl blogs on TL follow pretty much exactly the same formula. Usually, someone is friends with a girl, they’ve liked her for a long time, and now they’re stuck because she’s either apparently uninterested, or interested in someone else.
I’ve boiled down some tips on getting out of that awkward friend-zone situation, and put them under headings we should all be able to identify fairly easily.
For ease-of-reference, I will refer to the woman in question as “Girl Blog” from this point onwards.
Resources:
One of the first things you’ll need to think about if you get into a typical Girl Blog scenario is how you’re going to get yourself out of it. In order to get yourself out of it, you’re going to need resources. Fortunately, in real life, resources are a little more variable than in SC. Of course, you can just go straight in with buckets of money, but that’s not necessarily going to be a cost effective solution, so here’s some advice.
Take your Girl Blog out for a milkshake. I know, I know, it seems corny and dated, but it’s the one move that’s worked at every stage of human development. Cast your mind back, way back, to John Travolta in Grease. Milkshakes.
Pulp Fiction? Milkshakes.
Saved by the Bell? Milkshakes.
You and Girl Blog? Seems like a pretty safe bet.
Probably NSFW: I’ve tried to render the below diagram work safe with some strategic pixilation. Still, it’s not really work safe, so please be careful.
+ Show Spoiler +![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/AtB3I.jpg) Do you see how happy Kerrigan is? She has brought Nova a milkshake, and though Nova has spilled it all over herself in an unseemly fashion, you can see the smile on Kerrigan’s face, because the milkshake plan is working. Soon she will have a Girl Blog all her own.
Micro Tips:
You’re going to want to make sure you’re not just sitting there doing nothing. You’ve got an insanely high APM, what are you using it for? Are you squandering your APM just sitting there? Michael Caine once offered the advice,
“Think of these extraordinary things to say, and then decide not to say them.”
It’s never a good idea to fly in the face of advice from a titan like Michael Caine, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re not Michael Caine, so you’ll need to do more than him.
Think about this in terms of SC, you’re going to want to manufacture settings that are to your advantage. You could get her good and drunk, or even drug her, but for the time being we’ll stick with a less chemical-warfare tactics. Spinning a girl around is going to leave her disorientated, while she’s feeling unstable, you can swoop in an offer your own mangy carcass as a support. You can then use this new found proximity to your advantage, as disorientated people often make poor decisions.
I understand that this might be easy to follow, so I've selected some needlessly complex diagrams. Your goal is to go from this situation…
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/noV9a.jpg)
to something that looks a bit more like this:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4xg4A.png)
Depending on your own level of ugliness, you’re going to want to have her so dizzy she’s just on the verge of vomiting. If you happen to be of above average ugliness, a good way of timing this is to just wait until she gets sick.
Macro:
Okay, let’s get this straight, sooner or later you’re going to make a mistake. Nobody’s perfect, and the girl you’re thinking about is probably a lot more perfect than you are, so you need to keep that in mind. If you reach the late game, you’re going to get nervous and fall apart. You’ll spend too much time thinking about how you even got this far and forget to do something simple like micro your hands.
Just keep this in mind – if you’ve managed to get to the late game, you’ve got half the battle won. Just try to keep all of those plates spinning. Yes, you’re going to disappoint her at some stage, but if you manage to put it off long enough, you’ll be able to keep disappointing her for the rest of her life!
Metagame:
There are some aspects to the getting Girl Blog all to yourself that aren’t necessarily going to be part of the “dating game” as standard. You can incorporate these into the perfect build order in an effort to throw her off balance. When she expects you to want to stay in- BAM. Picnic in the pouring rain.
I know that seems counter-intuitive, but look at all of these entirely realistic stock photos:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/y5kZZ.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/e9vvG.jpg)
There is a clear correlation between rain and love.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/46Y9L.jpg)
It’s crucial that you get this mixture just right. If you’re missing just one element, the entire equation is thrown out, and who knows what could go wrong.
If anyone ever tells you not to live your life based on things you’ve seen in stock photos, they’re not the kind of people you should be taking advice from.
A few rainy-day-picnics and before you know it, she’ll be sick, needing your support. Utterly dependent? Sounds a lot like you’ve got her right where you want her.
Cheese:
Some of us will have to just resign ourselves to being Clint Eastwood. Do you know why Clint Eastwood doesn’t ever seem to have a woman in all those old westerns, not even in Dirty Harry? It’s because Clint Eastwood doesn’t need a woman. He is a man so manly that being near a woman would only dull the fine edge of that razor-masculinity. Clint Eastwood is perfect just the way he is.
He’s like a one base all-in; sure there are times when Clint Eastwood isn’t what you need, but when you’re looking for a brutal and craggy and unforgiving strategy, accept no substitutes.
Maybe you’re just the kind of dude who’s better off laddering on your own. That girl you can’t get out of your mind? You don’t need her; she’s rubbish. You should get old and wrinkly and have a dodgy middle bit to your career that you’re not particularly proud of. Eventually, you’ll look back on all this and think,
“Wow, what a waste of my time Girl Blog was. I’m glad I gradually grew old on my own without ever making a move. Can you imagine if I’d had to shave all this manly stubble because she didn’t like it? I can play a full and well-rounded game through these proxy barracks’ I’ve built. Maybe I should send my SCVs too, just to keep them safe.”
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/iPPCq.jpg)
+ Show Spoiler +Clints and grikes! Get it? It’s a karst landscape joke! No? They’re almost as barren as my love life.
 
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The Kerrigan/Nova picture got me laughing, 5/5 easily :D
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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
You have no idea the horrors I saw when I was:
A) Looking for a suitable picture with SC connotations
B) Trying to sanitise it in photoshop.
My eyes are bleeding.
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On May 13 2011 19:49 mardi wrote:
lol 5/5 too funny.
indeed
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Tongue micro and hand micro are too much for me. I am, however, great at making extraordinary comments. This seems to be the sc2 equivalent of making nothing but drones and transitioning into losing one's whole base. I will study your diagrams diligently. 5/5 good sir.
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WTF too good! 
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I feel there could have been more diagrams. 91.25/100
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LOL would read again, real funny~
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What about surprising girls (i don't know) with my homemade milkshakes, in the park, while its raining. A sort of bastard archon of all you key ideas. Or am i missing something?
It might take some practice but I cant probably get my timing good enough that i can really get those milkshakes out so their real fresh and tasty!
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LMFAO, cute!
The diagrams were awesome, 5/5
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Man, I remember getting the characteristics of the Burren drummed into me for junior cert. That brought it all back 
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somehow i feel very happy after reading this blog. i feel like i'm Clint Eastwood and i'm too manly for any woman out there.
very nice read. would read again.
5/5.
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United States4796 Posts
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Amazingly done!
Maaybe could've gone without the Kerrigan/Nova picture? :p
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That Kerrigan Nova pic is so NSFW it almost made me blush. I mean you can still see her "instrument".
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Can't unsee Kerrigan/Nova pic 
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on a serious note,
THE ONLY way to defeat the "friend zone" is the following:
1. ask the girl if she will ever change her mind.
2. assuming the answer is no, then proceed to tell her "i hope YOU find what you seek."
3. cut off all communication.
thats it, that is the only way it has even been defeated. it fails 99% of the time, but 1% it works, and its worth it. the girl needs time to stew and realize that she CANNOT get her perfect world scenario. she wants you to give her all the benefits of a relationship (friendliness, care, etc) and she wants to give you none of the womanly benefits of her own. do not let girls do this. make sure they know they have a choice: she can get what she needs and wants IF she is fair and does the same for you in response. most girls will just move on, solely because there is going to be another random ignorant male who plays into this trap that girls use. but sometimes, sometimes it works out well enough in the end. sometimes they realize what they threw away. sometimes they run back.
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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
On May 14 2011 00:17 annul wrote:
thats it, that is the only way it has even been defeated. it fails 99% of the time, but 1% it works, and its worth it.
Would you use a build order that failed ninety nine percent of the time?
I'll stick to milkshakes.
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On May 14 2011 00:17 annul wrote:
on a serious note,
THE ONLY way to defeat the "friend zone" is the following:
1. ask the girl if she will ever change her mind.
2. assuming the answer is no, then proceed to tell her "i hope YOU find what you seek."
3. cut off all communication.
If you have serious feelings for the girl in question, this is the worst thing you could do. You WILL hurt her feelings this way, and it might even work out. But if it doesn't - and this is important - you will have lost her. And you will hate yourself for that.
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On May 14 2011 01:10 ChrisXIV wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2011 00:17 annul wrote:
on a serious note,
THE ONLY way to defeat the "friend zone" is the following:
1. ask the girl if she will ever change her mind.
2. assuming the answer is no, then proceed to tell her "i hope YOU find what you seek."
3. cut off all communication. If you have serious feelings for the girl in question, this is the worst thing you could do. You WILL hurt her feelings this way, and it might even work out. But if it doesn't - and this is important - you will have lost her. And you will hate yourself for that.
Its like you guys weren't even reading, you have to be spinning of else it doesn't work or wait is it the milkshake first. Something about a mini umbrella in a milkshake will probably work just fine. Also make constant jokes about your 'guns' I hear the ladies love that shit!
Here is a free one just to get you started.
You: Do you have tickets?
Girl that friendzoned you but still keep sending signals by always hitting you on the arm and shit: To what?
You now feeling like the old spice guy: The gun show! (now here is it important that you flex both arms but with one arm at 90 degrees up and the other at 90 degrees down and then proceed to kiss both biceps)
Now starry-eyed girl: Screw this friendzone bull shit lets get married.
It works approximately 92% of the time with exactly no variance but if you girl screws it up it probably isn't your fault but hers.
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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
I'm really glad we've moved past the point where people were offering serious advice.
Think about it guys, if you're sitting there reading a joke, and the first thing you think is, "I should offer some really good advice to this man who is clearly joking," then you're probably taking things far too seriously.
Girl Blog will never fall in love with such a dour man. Girl Blog needs levity!
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So what would a practice partner be in the context of this blog?
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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
A wiser man might contest that this is where the analogy breaks down, fortunately for you, I am not particularly wise.
The "practice partner" mentality doesn't apply directly to relationships; while it's tempting to import the "fuck buddy" idea, a practice partner is someone who won't hurt your chances of playing ladder games (getting Girl Blog), where having a fuck buddy most certainly might (Girl Blog is a nice young lady, she wouldn't stand for that).
I've drawn a diagram:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/uLaTA.jpg)
As you can see, the closest thing you could get to an acceptable practice partner is Alternate Reality Girl Blog. Girl Blog can't get mad at you, because when you tell her the story of your accidental hookup you will mention how you thought that she was you (because in a sense, she really is). *
*In order for this to work, you should probably omit the fact that Alternate Reality Girl Blog, like anyone from an alternate reality, has a beard.
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This is awesome. And also so meta if you consider that Girl Blog doesn't just stand in for the Girl you are trying to get, but for Girl Blogs in general.
What I am trying to say was that Girl Blog Blog [Girl?] confused me in the most milkshake sexy way possible.
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the Dagon Knight4002 Posts
On May 14 2011 12:10 flowSthead wrote:
What I am trying to say was that Girl Blog Blog [Girl?] confused me in the most milkshake sexy way possible.
The hardest part was photoshopping out Kerrigan's space-penis. Definitely.
+ Show Spoiler +Actually, the hardest part was probably Kerrigan's space-penis itself, but I had meant in terms of difficulty, not freakish alien genitals.
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EPT
