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I haven't introduced myself formally in any thread before so here this goes....
My name is Nick and I am 22 years old and am from the US. I currently live at my fathers house, but pretty much spend all of my time here alone since he is never home. I don't have to pay any rent, but I do pay the cable bill and all of my own food. I attend a community college part time and also work for Geek Squad part time. If i'm not at either of those commitments I'm at home playing SC2 as my game of choice, unless I have friends asking me to play League of Legends and that's pretty much all that needs to be said.
So far 2011 has felt like a huge struggle for me. The end of 2010 brought the end of the best relationship I have had in my life. I spent almost two years with my now ex girlfriend and I have been pretty torn up since then. Although my heart was completely in the relationship, I guess in the end we were at completely different points in our lives. She is about three years younger than me. We did fight probably slightly more than couples should, but I was OK with that, couples will fight and they have to get through it if they want to be happy. Right after my 22nd birthday we had a fight and a few days later she broke up with me.... on facebook. This was in December so the holidays really fucking sucked, even more than they usually do.
No break ups are easy, but the shittiest thing was feeling like you didn't have a single person there to help you through the tough times. I don't really communicate with anybody in my family, non of us have ever been close so they were of no help. During this time of the year a few people were home from winter break and there was two main people I did talk to, neither of them ever really talked to me about how I was feeling or anything like that. One of those friends did end up giving me some drugs which I was more than willing to try(pot and pills). Neither smoking or taking pills was a giant deal, but even after trying each of them a few times I still was depressed and this girl still plagued my mind. I even ended up seeing a therapist to talk about some things, but I felt like I was pretty much paying for a step in friend. It was nice to communicate with somebody for once, but I couldn't keep that up, I didn't feel it was a good habit to see him every week.
Sometime in January, I decided I wanted to go back to community college. Looking at this now I pretty much feel that the only reason I did this was to keep myself around people. Being alone at this time was the most depressing feeling ever and it hit me every single night. I was thinking maybe if I just suck it up and go back to college even though I've never been a great student would maybe open opportunities that didn't exist before from just working and being home, but so far to be honest nothing has truly changed.
I haven't even been doing well in school since I have gone back even though I had to best of intentions to get good grades this time around. As the days go on I hate my work more and more, I've called out more than I ever have before. Many days I just want to walk out on my job and stay at home all day and practice Starcraft which seems to be the only thing I ever enjoy anymore. I never feel like I have enough time to enjoy myself.
Between school, work, having enough money to feed myself, dad asking for money, not being over this woman, not having friends in rl and wanting more time to practice SC, stress just feels like it's mounting day after day and never fading. There are some days where I feel perfectly fine, but it just becomes quickly over shadowed by the days where I'm not walking on sunshine. I try every trick I know to reduce my stress and to get over the woman, but it's going to take some time.
One of the most annoying things in the world is that there are these three people that I have been a decent friend with at some point in my life and now they're all talking to my ex a good amount. Ones gay and I know for a fact the other two have no interest, but it's incredibly frustrating that I doubt they have ever even considered the fact that it may bug me a little. Also all three of these guys are doing weed, mushrooms and acid. I have no fucking clue what the fuck happened to my friends, I feel completely alone here. One of those friends just hosted his birthday party and invited both me and my ex which I was annoyed about considering I have known the guy for years. I ended up still going to his party and saw my ex there (I've talked to her on occasion sense this point, but i always end up depressed after doing so). I wanted to go to prove to myself I could handle seeing her in a social gathering without being scared of what may happen and I also didn't want to back down from a party of my friends just because she was going. I ended up staying for only a little bit having about 4 beers and some pizza and just dipping out extremely early feeling like shit and going to bed by 11.
That's pretty much my life atm, lots of QQ from me I know, but I though it would help by sharing.
TL;DR: Torn over an ex, stressed, no time for myself, not a lot of money, QQ
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Sorry you're going through a tough time man. I feel for you.
Try finding another woman, maybe? Try to look at the positives. If you can only focus on the negatives, it'll be that much harder to pull yourself out. Depression sucks, I know where you're coming from. The good things in life aren't apparent, but there are (cliche phrase inc.) worse things in life. Find literature that's uplifting, music, anything. If something doesn't work at first, that doesn't mean it won't.
Little poem I like, dunno if it'll help or not, but just food for thought.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
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One of those friends just hosted his birthday party and invited both me and my ex which I was annoyed about considering I have known the guy for years.
Did you tell him you broke up, and your feelings towards the situation?
It feels like you've lived life at least. I'm almost 21 and no gf/bf, never been kissed, never had a job, never done drugs, cant play sc2 since my computer is 10 years old and i cant afford a new one. You can reconcile yourself with having done those things, experienced that part of life, and having been through much with which to build self esteem.
feeling like you didn't have a single person there to help you through the tough times.
knock knock.
who's there?
+ Show Spoiler +Teamliquid, and we'll always be there for you 
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Hey man,
I'm proud of you for not going completely down the drain. From what I can infer, you still work and go to school. A lot of people would have stopped in their tracks and just have locked themselves inside of their rooms, but you had the courage to keep doing what you were doing, good job =).
It was also good you vented what was in your mind...
As for advice, I wish I could tell you something that would make everything all flowers and sunshine but sadly I cannot. I can't really pinpoint the problem you have but just tell yourself positive things, even if they may seem like lies. Tell yourself that you will get a better job with better pay. Tell yourself that you will find the one meant for you and you will be incredibly happy with her. Tell yourself you will find the balance that works out for you with time and stress.
You may not want to do so, which is completely fine. There is no guarantee telling yourself those things will automatically make life better. But somehow, just one step at a time, you will see improvement. I hope this helps and hope you get out of your situation!
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I am sincerely sorry to hear where you're at, and have my sympathy.
Being that i'm also in a pretty dim place, I'm not going to bother with any quaint advice, as it would seem inapplicable if not superficial.
Thanks for sharing your story. There are other people out there who feel the same way you do, even if they don't know who you are or know precisely what you're feeling.
I wish you the best of luck.
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"Love yourself before you love another."
It sounds like your friends are exploring themselves more fully through the use of drugs. Since drugs aren't your thing, I recommend some self-reflection on your feelings and beliefs regarding your life experiences, you don't need drugs to learn more about yourself.
As for this girl, my advice would be to disassociate who you truly are from the roles you play. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A new earth if you wish to learn more about the roles people associate with, he goes into detail about this and I feel the book may be of help to you.
I do speak from experience on this topic. Personally, me and my friend were going out for 8 years before breaking up this last August. We are friends currently, and the shift from going out to friends was indeed very interesting. We have a long history so it can be easy to fall back into past patterns and habits. For me self-reflection and an honest dialogue with myself was key to not falling into negative roles. Whenever I feel a feeling I allow myself to accept this is how I feel and then I work backwards into the belief that I have that this feeling is coming from. This allows me to change my core beliefs and become self-empowered.
For example, one issue we both had was our friends hanging out/talking with our "ex." Now, I would feel jealous or sad when this happened and would feign indifference at first. However, I soon realized that it was indeed bothering me and I allowed myself to feel my 'pain' and through that I realized that I was feeling abandoned and rejected. Taking this thought form deeper yielded a whole treasure chest of information I had never realized I was suppressing. Mainly a fear of abandonment stemming from childhood divorce/separation. As well as being picked on at school and rejected in that sense. Many of our beliefs stem from our formative years of childhood. You don't need a psychiatrist to talk to, be your own friend, love yourself, and just be honest with yourself and your story. It has helped me tremendously to be gentle and nice with myself.
Everyone has a story, sometimes it helps to view your story from a detached point of view so you can see it with a new perspective. Hope this helps, we are all going through some changes, however keep a positive outlook and realize that true growth comes through a catalyst of some kind. This is one of yours, embrace it =]
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I can empathize with you and I really do feel sorry for your situation. I don't know what kind of person you are so I won't try to give you advice that may not be applicable but I will say that times like these when you are "in limbo" are made 1000x better when you have a supportive friend (or friends, even better) or family to fall back on. I can't tell you how to get these kinds of friends as I am incredibly with the ones I have but you really need to keep trying and trying until you can find them.
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On March 28 2011 15:17 sniffums wrote:
"Love yourself before you love another."
It sounds like your friends are exploring themselves more fully through the use of drugs. Since drugs aren't your thing, I recommend some self-reflection on your feelings and beliefs regarding your life experiences, you don't need drugs to learn more about yourself.
As for this girl, my advice would be to disassociate who you truly are from the roles you play. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A new earth if you wish to learn more about the roles people associate with, he goes into detail about this and I feel the book may be of help to you.
I do speak from experience on this topic. Personally, me and my friend were going out for 8 years before breaking up this last August. We are friends currently, and the shift from going out to friends was indeed very interesting. We have a long history so it can be easy to fall back into past patterns and habits. For me self-reflection and an honest dialogue with myself was key to not falling into negative roles. Whenever I feel a feeling I allow myself to accept this is how I feel and then I work backwards into the belief that I have that this feeling is coming from. This allows me to change my core beliefs and become self-empowered.
For example, one issue we both had was our friends hanging out/talking with our "ex." Now, I would feel jealous or sad when this happened and would feign indifference at first. However, I soon realized that it was indeed bothering me and I allowed myself to feel my 'pain' and through that I realized that I was feeling abandoned and rejected. Taking this thought form deeper yielded a whole treasure chest of information I had never realized I was suppressing. Mainly a fear of abandonment stemming from childhood divorce/separation. As well as being picked on at school and rejected in that sense. Many of our beliefs stem from our formative years of childhood. You don't need a psychiatrist to talk to, be your own friend, love yourself, and just be honest with yourself and your story. It has helped me tremendously to be gentle and nice with myself.
Everyone has a story, sometimes it helps to view your story from a detached point of view so you can see it with a new perspective. Hope this helps, we are all going through some changes, however keep a positive outlook and realize that true growth comes through a catalyst of some kind. This is one of yours, embrace it =]
Fantastic post. You only have 6 posts, so if someone has not welcomed you to TL.net yet, Welcome!
I look forward to your participation here. Cheers.
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Ouch that sucks. However, now is a great time to start over and you won't be doing well in school until you get over depression. If you do poorly this semester, I would actually recommend taking another break from school. There is nothing worse then getting your degree and being in debt the next decade or so because you slacked a few semesters. Yes, you will still be in debt once you get your degree but if you start failing courses, it will snowball faster.
For the break-up with 0 friends thing. I can relate, was with a girl 3 years and after it ended; I started spending time with friends and found out they all went down some bad roads. I stopped talking to all my friends and was completely alone, even living alone. At the time I worked in a building with at max 2-3 other people. I did have a few people I played games with that I never met in person. We would sit on skype and rant while we played -- it was a very good outlet. I wasn't 21 but had a fake ID and I made up my "dream life" and whenever I went out, I was my fake persona - not real. Probably sounds weird, I just didn't want to talk to acquaintances about my shitty life.
After a few months, I realized I wasn't happy due to my situation it was my decisions to do nothing that I hated. I spent the next 2 years not worrying about social interactions and investing in myself. I'm a programmer and sys admin -- So I started fiddling around with photoshop and getting some certificates. The photoshop so far has been a waste of time, but I figured one day I may need to make a UI or web site; so it was a very useful skill toi have. However the certificates did, as I switched over to senior sys admin recently for a salary increase. Mainly, I create self heal scripts and track down in-house code bugs and fix them, mostly java memory leaks.
After 2 years, the perfect girl found me and I am now living the life I had created years ago when I was in your shoes.
So my advice
-- Don't worry about college yet, find another path to get the job you want. If it is IT, go into certificates. College is a long term investment, find something to get you in the door. Once you start working for a good company they will reimburse you for education. IMO, people in the US put too much stress on college. Yes, a degree is great to have but until you value what college is, won't actually learn the material and you will have a degree but still be a dummy in debt.
-- Find people online to talk and play games with. Not only will this help you practice SC2 but also give you someone to talk to.
-- Stay away from drugs/drinking. The occasional is fine just don't make it a habit.
-- Don't date the first girl you find, wait for the right one to come along. Flings, will only throw you deeper in the whole - emotionally and financially.
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EPT
