EPTI remember these words from a friend's sig/away message from around 6-7 years ago. Today, when I awoke from a series of extremely vivid dreams, these words echoed in my head more than ever. For these dreams, full of flight and visions of my worlds, had filled me yet again with a great sense of longing for a better future. A future where I would create my worlds in peace, unlimited by my disabilities. The longing quickly died out with the dawn of yet another meaningless day.
"Modding is problem solving."
I've always said that, because it's true. Maybe 5% of the time spent producing any of my projects is actually spent producing them. The other 95% of the time is spent trying to work around problems. The problems stem from anything. Today, and the last weeks, have been spent trying to circumvent a problem that has cursed me since the day I took up 3d modeling ten years ago.
Bringing my designs to life.
The very core foundation of all actions is the act of translating my dreams into reality. Forging things with my hands that at least in some part resemble what it is I see in my head. For me, this is beyond difficult. A lifelong venture I have devoted every able hour to fighting for.
The very first ships that are described in my novel, the Templar's Hydromek and Norkozad, are amongst the hardest ships I have ever attempted to model. They are not particularly complicated. They don't really need much detail. But they're smooth. Smooth confounds me. They require very specific silhouettes. Their prose is proud, aggressive. They must be done properly.
A year ago I attempted the Hydromek. A ship design that has existed in my head for 11 years. The perfect opportunity to pave the road for a new future. I fucking blew it.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/LJVeh.jpg)
Awful.
A few weeks ago I again tried it.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/kHhVj.jpg)
Also terrible. The body looks awful. The claws don't even resemble what's in my head.
Ten years experience I have with 3d graphics. I still don't even grasp the basics of the job.
When I started work this year I told myself that if I could produce two ships - one of them being the Norkozad, a Templar battleship - I would consider 2011 a monumental success. So difficult a ship to produce. I decided to half-assedly symmetry my way through the Hydromek into a Norkozad.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/fYmMe.jpg)
Garbage.
Conceptual 2 -
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/cMr00.jpg)
Are you even trying?
Conceptual 3 -
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/72lD9.jpg)
hurr durr
Conceptual 4 -
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/lfIFr.jpg)
Wait, what were we trying to do again?
I don't know. I just faceroll my way through shit. Kind of like when I used to compose music. I still wish I had my music composing setup. I'd try it again. Just to fail, of course, but it would be something different to slam my face into.
Black Sun's progression isn't about being perfect. It isn't about finishing the fight. It's about bringing back the lifeblood of my writing. I have partly accomplished this by inspiring a series of dreams related to the worlds. Each time they come they are more and more powerful. Each time they come they provide me a glimpse into my own universes in a way I hadn't seen them before.
Thus, even though what I am doing today is best regarded as a horrific failure, what I might be able to do tomorrow is worth the constant humiliation.
At least I have one thing to show out of these recent days. I took the first 3ds max model I made some years ago now, refurbished it, and created a fairly decent Xy`Kranashian ship out of it - the Guzurren.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/k9GtX.jpg)
Life is not kind. I take what little blessings I get. As time passes, my hallucinations become more prominent. Now I am seeing moving shadows fairly often. Not so much in the corner of my vision anymore. Flat out distortions and shit appearing/vanishing right in plain sight. I know the time draws near where none of these actions will matter. I struggle so that I may yet savor these moments.
All birds in cages do indeed desire freedom.
Black Sun -> http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=193545
