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This is the second post in this series on dating advice. Whereas the first post dealt mostly with improving yourself, this one will mostly deal with the specifics of going out to public places and the logistics of a wingman.
First, its important to realize what a wingman can and can't do for you. I generally find that most of society overvalue wingmen.
For example, if you are lacking in confidence in approaching girls/women, a wingman does not really help you. Sure he can give you a pep talk to fire you up but thats about it. If you expect him to go and approach a girl or a group of girls then later introduce you, then you're already on the road to failure.
The wingman can also be a detriment to your willingness to approach. Say you are out having a beer with some of your guy friends and you see a pretty girl in the corner. You might be less willing to go talk to her because you don't want to strike out in front of your friends. Also, the fact that you are already having fun gives you less impetus to act. You're thinking, hey I'm already having a pretty good time, why have a downer by getting rejected? Whereas if you were there by yourself, the "nothing to lose" and "no one knows me here" qualities of the setting more often than not propels you to fuck it and give it a shot. So if you are not that physically attractive and you are not confident, I would recommend you not get a wingman.
Even if you don't have confidence problems, finding a qualified wingman is tough. He can't be a drooler but he can't be so suave that he upstages you either. He has to be interesting but make you seem more interesting. Attractive but not quite as attractive as you are.
So given all of this, why have a wingman? well, a good wing man does one thing for you.
If the girl is in a group of girls or with another girl, the wingman is there to deflect the cockblock. To use a BW analogy, hes the carapace fully upgraded ultralisk soaking up the cannon hits while you, the crackling, go fuck up that nexus.
Now, some of you reading this post are thinking "well, I am not very confident so should I always try to approach girls alone?" To this, I will say that initially, yes. Just to get some practice and make you realize its not that big a deal. If you get rejected, so what? The pain of regret far outweighs the pain of rejection. If I gave you a choice of getting punched in the arm hard once or getting poked once a day for a week, which would you chose? So go talk to that girl and more often than not, the result will be better than what you expected.
Now lets say that you have some experience socializing and don't freeze up when talking to an attractive girl but you also lack a suitable 5 armor Ultraliskian wingman, what should you do? If you can manage it, find a female wingman, the more attractive the better.
Most women tend to be not super objective when evaluating value. Most women tend to look towards other women, especially those more attractive than themselves, for guidance. This is why you have throngs of women carrying the same designer handbag, wearing the same bugeyed sunglasses, doing the same stupid fish lips when taking pictures. There is also a strong competitive streak between women. Thus when you walk in with an attractive wingwoman, you have indicated yourself as a cool guy that the attractive woman is willing to hang out with and also triggered the competitive instincts of women in that room.
In fact, the attractive wingwoman has an auxillary benefit. Lets say that you found a girl really cute but you took a long time to tell her and when you finally did, you got put in the friend category in which you would like to escape from. One, stopped getting depressed and improve yourself. Two, talk to your attractive girl "best friend" and ask her to be your wingwoman.
Tell her that you only think of her as a really good friend and after all, good friends do things for each other so you would like her to help you out. If she refuses, then her friendship is not worth it, and you should just cut off contact. If she agrees, then go meet other girls with her as your wingwoman. Other girls will be more interested in you because you are with an attractive woman.
If the other girls ask, just say "oh we're just friends", which is completely true but possibly implies that the girls you usually date are even more attractive than the friend you've brought along. At the same time, having your attractive "best friend" seeing you hit it off with other women might also get her juices flowing. If after a while, she starts wanting to change the dynamics of the relationship, just say the same things that you've heard so many times "oh but I don't want to jeopardize our friendship" "our friendship is too important to me" "I think of you as a sister" etc... This will only make you more attractive. And thus, you kill 2 birds with one stone.
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Wingman addendum:group outings
The logistics of rolling out with 3+ of your guy friends are never good so I advise to only do this under very specific conditions.
One, inevitably the group will be composed of people of differing financial situations so while you might want to have 20 year old single malts, somebody else in your group might only want $2 well specials. Also, somebody in your group will inevitably not pay for their share.
Two, a big group of dudes is just not conducive to meeting girls. If a girl is just by her self or with a friend, there is a certain amount of intimidation in talking to a big group of guys. If there happen to be a big group of girls, its impossible for everyone in your group of guys to get hooked up with a different girl from the group of girls. Inevitably what happens is that all the guys go for 1 or 2 girls from the big group and thus turning all the other girls in to cockblocks.
Finally, the bigger the group, the more likely that somebody from your group gets in to a fight or is just a real downer and fucks up the vibe of the evening.
So in general, avoid going out in a big group of guys to clubs/bars unless if you have to for a bachelor's party or something. In this case, use the party as a reference but work solo for most of the evening. Unless if you are the best man, in which case the bachelor's party is really more work than party most of the time.
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"Tell her that you only think of her as a really good friend and after all, good friends do things for each other so you would like her to help you out. If she refuses, then her friendship is not worth it, and you should just cut off contact."
i lol'd
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Its true. I mean if she isn't willing to do such a simple favor for you, then what exactly is she providing to the friendship?
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On January 17 2011 13:28 lixlix wrote:
Its true. I mean if she isn't willing to do such a simple favor for you, then what exactly is she providing to the friendship?
Yeah it's not like she could provide anything else worthwhile? XD
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On January 17 2011 13:38 JohannesH wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2011 13:28 lixlix wrote:
Its true. I mean if she isn't willing to do such a simple favor for you, then what exactly is she providing to the friendship? Yeah it's not like she could provide anything else worthwhile? XD
Well if she isn't willing to be with you romantically and she isn't willing to help you find other girls to be with romantically, then yeah, I would say she is pretty selfish and worthless.
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On January 17 2011 13:47 lixlix wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2011 13:38 JohannesH wrote:On January 17 2011 13:28 lixlix wrote:
Its true. I mean if she isn't willing to do such a simple favor for you, then what exactly is she providing to the friendship? Yeah it's not like she could provide anything else worthwhile? XD Well if she isn't willing to be with you romantically and she isn't willing to help you find other girls to be with romantically, then yeah, I would say she is pretty selfish and worthless.
Pehaps you are the one that is selfish for using her just to pick up a different girl?
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Explain to me how I am using her?
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If the girl is in a group of girls or with another girl, the wingman is there to deflect the cockblock. To use a BW analogy, hes the carapace fully upgraded ultralisk soaking up the cannon hits while you, the crackling, go fuck up that nexus.
LOL
That was a gem, nice blogpost. I agree like 90% with what you said.
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I learned a few years ago that I'm a really good wingman. Perhaps this can enhance your wingman qualifications:
1). I'm no drooler, but I'm not very suave. If I try to be suave it comes off REALLY awkward.
2). I am definitely interesting, but I have strange interests. I'm a nerd and not afraid to flaunt it which makes my buddy more interesting in the fact that he's "normal".
3). Attractive? I think so. But I'm more of a plain kind of attractive. I'm not trendy and I don't pretend to be. If my buddy is looking stylish he is the hotter of the two of us.
4). I'm good with small talk. When the conversation hits a lull I can usually pick it back up. This is great with a set of two girls since it makes the friend not getting hit on feel more at ease.
And, for my trump card:
5). Seeing as I'm a nice guy who won't sacrifice my integrity for a one night stand, I get friend-zoned fairly quickly. If it's one girl and my friend is laying it on thick she still feels safe because he has a nice friend (and if he's being a total douche she can use me as an out). If it's two girls I make sure the one friend at least has a good time and, since I'm friend-zoned, I don't have to dive on the "ugly girl grenade" for my buddy.
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EPT
