No Blog for a long while since school has kept me busy, but I feel writing one now would be jolly good...
It takes a lot of effort to realize that you are not as good as you thought you are, and you'll have to do a lot of work to accomplish what you want to accomplish. But what takes more mental effort, for me, is to realize that, sometimes even after a lot of works are put into it, you do not accomplish what you want to accomplish.
Let me put it into a simple context: I just had a math midterm (basic algebraic topology, for those who are curious) where I think I did not do as well as I wanted. I studied over 2 weeks for this midterm, has accumulated over 20 pages of notes, and did all the exercises in the book that I can manage. That is the most intensive preparation I have ever done in my life for an exam. However, I still did mediocre at it, failing to answering one question and halfway answered another (total of 3 questions).
So I was very sad. For most of my life, I can do well without trying hard. And for awhile, I can do well while trying hard. But now, it seems like I cannot do well even though I tried hard.
Which made me question myself what is the meaning of "doing well"...
This semester I'm having is horrible, every week, there is a day where I stayed up coding until 9am, only to go to my math class half dead. My Saturday is all doing research, and my Sunday is all doing homeworks (so I have no weekends to speak of) Where the 5 hours spend on Saturday night with my girlfriend cooking something together is the few relaxations I have, and the only time I can spend with her.
And math, holy shit math is so hard. I wouldn't mind it hard but wow people in my class, they are good at it. They are much, much better than I am at math. What the teacher explained it take them much less effort to understand, and they know things I don't. That is a very foreign idea to me. It is unsettling, and goes against my experience and perceptions a lot. I am used to walk into a class, look around, identify everyone save a few as mediocre, and get an A in the class. It seems that now I am the mediocre one. It is hard to accept that but I do come to accept it now.
And I was sad right after the midterm. I couldn't stop thinking, if I tried my best, but still 'failed', am I still doing well? What is 'doing well'? And I guess I'll settle with the definition being "enjoying what you are doing at the current moment", which seems to put my mind at east the most.
So what's now? Well, I think I can live with not being the brightest student in my classes. My roomate is much wiser than I am, "There will always be people better than you.", he says to me all the time. And he is right. No matter how hard you try, there will be someone better at you at something, and that is a fact of life. Most importantly, I should enjoy what I do, may it be coding, or studying math, or anything. It can be difficult and tiring, it can be for a goal I set for myself which I might not accomplish, but I should enjoy doing it. And a big part of able to enjoy what you do is not to put a big emphasis on the end result. You tried your best, and there's nothing you can do about it.
But alas, all these things I am writing down here, I'm sure there's a Chinese proverb somewhere that already address this problem. I'm sure it is not a ground breaking discovery. In fact, I'm sure what I just realized, everyone who is ever alive and happy, will at some point realize the same thing. It is as common as marriage, yet it is also as different as marriage for each person: everyone has a different way of arriving at it.
So to conclude, I am still trying very hard to be accomplished in my classes and research, but I should also do well, and enjoy the process. It just took me a long time to realize one should not put much emphasis on the end result, since the end result came too easily for me most of my life, and they have been good, so I valued the end result too much, more than it is healthy.
Now I'm going to play some game while digesting my lunch, then go biking for an hour, and study, then go to class (probability!! exciting!). Should be fun :D
being mediocre is not a problem, not trying to be better is. Dont sweat it one exam doesnt change your life, having a bad attitude towards your abilities does. Trust yourself you can do better and if you cant then just push yourself to be the best you, you can be.
where do you go to school? I had a very similar experience as a math major at Caltech. Since graduating, and now that I go to a mediocre state university for grad school, I've been reminded that I am actually good at math. I think being at a top tier school can cause you to lose perspective, so just keep in mind that those kids in your math class could potentially be some of the smartest kids in the country. Honestly, anyone passing an algebraic topology course has to be pretty damn smart.
On November 17 2010 07:25 category wrote: where do you go to school? I had a very similar experience as a math major at Caltech. Since graduating, and now that I go to a mediocre state university for grad school, I've been reminded that I am actually good at math. I think being at a top tier school can cause you to lose perspective, so just keep in mind that those kids in your math class could potentially be some of the smartest kids in the country. Honestly, anyone passing an algebraic topology course has to be pretty damn smart.
Thanks. I go to Berkeley. I guess I'm lucky that I am double majoring with CS and I'll do CS for grad school instead of math. Math is so hard!1 :O
On November 17 2010 07:32 spencer wrote: just curious, what were the questions? (i'm also taking an algebraic topology class right now)
Q1: Define a map from [0,1] x [0,1] to S^1 x S^1, where S^1 is the circle in the complex plain. If we let S^1 x S^1 be the torus, show your map induce a projection map such that the quotient topology is homeomorphic to that of a torus.
Q2: Let X, Y be path connected topological spaces and let Pi_1(X,p) be the fundimental group on X. If there is a continuous map f from X to Y, show f induce a homomorphism between Pi_1(X,p) and Pi_1(Y,f(p)).
Q3: Show the group action of Z (integers) on R x [0,1] defined by z(s,t) = (s+z, (-1)^z*t) is free and proper.
So yeah they're not too difficult really... I just kinda messed up
To everyone else, thanks so much. To coag: have u been drawing lately?
Maybe you should try taking a break. This reminds of how IdrA trained super hard for all his MSL OSL preliminaries and never won, but then took a break playing SC2 and only practiced BW for 3 days and beat GoRush.
Maybe you can find a way to schedule in a little break in your day, or schedule a day out of your week to give you some alone time to refresh and recharge.
Can definitely relate to this. School used to be easy for me too so I never learned the skill of working hard (I believe it's a trainable skill that has to be learned). I put in lots of time and effort into my studies now but sometimes still fall short. Guess it's a lesson to be humble and to keep a positive attitude even if you don't attain the desired results. There's an interesting article relevant to this, might check it out if you have time: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomas’s father noticed just the opposite. “Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at,” his father says. “Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’ ” With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.
On November 17 2010 10:48 Mothra wrote: Can definitely relate to this. School used to be easy for me too so I never learned the skill of working hard (I believe it's a trainable skill that has to be learned). I put in lots of time and effort into my studies now but sometimes still fall short. Guess it's a lesson to be humble and to keep a positive attitude even if you don't attain the desired results. There's an interesting article relevant to this, might check it out if you have time: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomas’s father noticed just the opposite. “Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at,” his father says. “Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’ ” With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.
oh wow that was a good read, still going at it but this quote strikes out at me
"“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”"
!!
just finished the article. Now I have a set of parenting skills wooo!! I should start parenting myself: "evan! put more efforts u good boy!" hahahah
EPT
