Poem about my BRAIN!

On November 11 2010 07:16 Kamille wrote:
Some of the words can be eliminated. In Poetry (yes, capitalization is on purpose), every word counts, so make sure you aren't wasting any. I like the circular mechanic of snow, but you could make it a lot more subtle than just blurting out snow. I also found it ironic you mentioned plagiarism when "literary vomit" is used. The image and phrase are both cliche.

On November 11 2010 07:36 Artemis wrote:
Heres a revision:

THOUGHT
The idea snowballs in the mind,
before erupting out of the mouth
like cognitive volcano.
As it collides with the air
it sends shock-waves,
which caresses the ear.
It travels through the darkness of understanding,
building up monumental pressure
before exploding into the violent cave of the skull.
Slowly building up mass,
a new life rocks gently
in the cold damp reaches of the mind.

On November 11 2010 07:46 Gummy wrote:


I think you offer change of mind,
when OP seeks a change of verse.
His mental pictures are his own,
and he may find yours quite adverse.

Your goal is not the one of Cobb-
to plant a thought into his mind.
Your goal, instead, should be to help
his verse be ever more refined.

On November 11 2010 07:53 Artemis wrote:


That was me(OP), same person.

On November 11 2010 07:19 Gummy wrote:
I thought your poem was quite nice,
In fact, I had to read it twice.

While I, at first, did find your lack
of rhyme a little out of whack,
I certainly appreciate
The images that you create!

Particularly excellent
was how you turned your sentiment
into a poignant metaphor.
As ice, you chilled me to the core.

On November 11 2010 08:01 EsX_Raptor wrote:

Perhaps he was creating a metaphorical reality to make a point on how he liked your first poem so much that any change to it, regardless of authorship, would turn it into plagiarism.

Or maybe he just fucked up.

On November 11 2010 07:36 Artemis wrote:
Heres a revision:

THOUGHT
The idea snowballs in the mind,
before erupting out of the mouth
like cognitive volcano.
As it collides with the air
it sends shock-waves,
which caresses the ear.
It travels through the darkness of understanding,
building up monumental pressure
before exploding into the violent cave of the skull.
Slowly building up mass,
a new life rocks gently
in the cold damp reaches of the mind.

On November 11 2010 12:47 Kamille wrote:
It's better, but you could think about articles more. It's probably just me, because I like to think of articles as precious gems. Remember, every word should mean something. Regardless of aesthetic pleasure or meaning, it must have a place. The long syllabic words are interesting, bringing your snowballing to life. Understanding sounds a little strange to me, but the idea is headed in the right direction. The feeling of the poem seems a bit impersonal. Probably shouldn't follow my directions to the dot, as I'm trying to develop my own style as well. Just passing on what my teacher taught me, that is every word is important. I can't stress that enough!

Thought
The idea snowballs in my mind,
before erupting out of my mouth
like a cognitive volcano.
As it collides with the air
it sends shock-waves,
which caress your ear.
It travels through the darkness of understanding,
building up monumental pressure
before exploding into the dynamic metropolis of your skull.
Slowly building up mass,
a new life rocks gently
in the cold damp reaches of your mind.

On November 11 2010 12:58 Artemis wrote:

I like what you said about it feeling impersonal. I tried switching it up with a me/your. I also didn't like how I made the other persons head violent, so I tried something else. Tell me what you guys think, thanks!