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Artemis
United States129 Posts
THOUGHT The idea snowballs in the mind, before erupting out of the mouth like literary vomit. As it collides with the air it sends shock-waves, which caresses the ear. It travels through the darkness of understanding, before exploding into the violent cave of the skull. Slowly building up mass, in the cold dark snow of the mind.   | ||
micronesia
United States24678 Posts
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
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Gummy
United States2180 Posts
In fact, I had to read it twice. While I, at first, did find your lack of rhyme a little out of whack, I certainly appreciate The images that you create! Particularly excellent was how you turned your sentiment into a poignant metaphor. As ice, you chilled me to the core. | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
On November 11 2010 07:16 Kamille wrote: Some of the words can be eliminated. In Poetry (yes, capitalization is on purpose), every word counts, so make sure you aren't wasting any. I like the circular mechanic of snow, but you could make it a lot more subtle than just blurting out snow. I also found it ironic you mentioned plagiarism when "literary vomit" is used. The image and phrase are both cliche. Yeah I wasn't too sure on using that phrase, I had a hard time thinking of another word. I think im going to work on it a bit more.  | ||
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EsX_Raptor
United States2801 Posts
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
THOUGHT The idea snowballs in the mind, before erupting out of the mouth like cognitive volcano. As it collides with the air it sends shock-waves, which caresses the ear. It travels through the darkness of understanding, building up monumental pressure before exploding into the violent cave of the skull. Slowly building up mass, a new life rocks gently in the cold damp reaches of the mind. | ||
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Gummy
United States2180 Posts
I had the chance to type much more... (But since my lines do seek their pair I hope the mods do not repair my double-posting with a ban, since I, of verse, am one great fan) But anyway, to clarify the points made by Kamille before, I think, before you can defy The themes within your poem's core, You should with greater care expand upon the image you began. That is, you must give flame its life Before you take to it the fan. So in this case, I think you'd find that if the snowball you defined were given time to grow, then nigh, the vomit's force might multiply! You have, in summary, three scenes: The mind, the mouth, the in-betweens. I think if each did have a part to which you granted all your heart... The cavern will grow colder, the shockwaves will grow bolder. So you, the poem molder, go add that verbal solder! | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
You sir, are made of awesome. | ||
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Gummy
United States2180 Posts
On November 11 2010 07:36 Artemis wrote: Heres a revision: THOUGHT The idea snowballs in the mind, before erupting out of the mouth like cognitive volcano. As it collides with the air it sends shock-waves, which caresses the ear. It travels through the darkness of understanding, building up monumental pressure before exploding into the violent cave of the skull. Slowly building up mass, a new life rocks gently in the cold damp reaches of the mind. I think you offer change of mind, when OP seeks a change of verse. His mental pictures are his own, and he may find yours quite adverse. Your goal is not the one of Cobb- to plant a thought into his mind. Your goal, instead, should be to help his verse be ever more refined. | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
On November 11 2010 07:46 Gummy wrote: I think you offer change of mind, when OP seeks a change of verse. His mental pictures are his own, and he may find yours quite adverse. Your goal is not the one of Cobb- to plant a thought into his mind. Your goal, instead, should be to help his verse be ever more refined. That was me(OP), same person. | ||
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EsX_Raptor
United States2801 Posts
Perhaps he was creating a metaphorical reality to make a point on how he liked your first poem so much that any change to it, regardless of authorship, would turn it into plagiarism. Or maybe he just fucked up. | ||
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
On November 11 2010 07:19 Gummy wrote: I thought your poem was quite nice, In fact, I had to read it twice. While I, at first, did find your lack of rhyme a little out of whack, I certainly appreciate The images that you create! Particularly excellent was how you turned your sentiment into a poignant metaphor. As ice, you chilled me to the core. Free verse is okay, but you can't get a sense of the ease with which it can please, unless you experience with meter. Also I didn't know you were into Poetry, Gummy. It's quite surprising to see a member I am somewhat acquainted with. | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
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Gummy
United States2180 Posts
On November 11 2010 08:01 EsX_Raptor wrote: Perhaps he was creating a metaphorical reality to make a point on how he liked your first poem so much that any change to it, regardless of authorship, would turn it into plagiarism. Or maybe he just fucked up. I definitely just fucked up. | ||
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
On November 11 2010 07:36 Artemis wrote: Heres a revision: THOUGHT The idea snowballs in the mind, before erupting out of the mouth like cognitive volcano. As it collides with the air it sends shock-waves, which caresses the ear. It travels through the darkness of understanding, building up monumental pressure before exploding into the violent cave of the skull. Slowly building up mass, a new life rocks gently in the cold damp reaches of the mind. It's better, but you could think about articles more. It's probably just me, because I like to think of articles as precious gems. Remember, every word should mean something. Regardless of aesthetic pleasure or meaning, it must have a place. The long syllabic words are interesting, bringing your snowballing to life. Understanding sounds a little strange to me, but the idea is headed in the right direction. The feeling of the poem seems a bit impersonal. Probably shouldn't follow my directions to the dot, as I'm trying to develop my own style as well. Just passing on what my teacher taught me, that is every word is important. I can't stress that enough! | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
On November 11 2010 12:47 Kamille wrote: It's better, but you could think about articles more. It's probably just me, because I like to think of articles as precious gems. Remember, every word should mean something. Regardless of aesthetic pleasure or meaning, it must have a place. The long syllabic words are interesting, bringing your snowballing to life. Understanding sounds a little strange to me, but the idea is headed in the right direction. The feeling of the poem seems a bit impersonal. Probably shouldn't follow my directions to the dot, as I'm trying to develop my own style as well. Just passing on what my teacher taught me, that is every word is important. I can't stress that enough! I like what you said about it feeling impersonal. I tried switching it up with a me/your. I also didn't like how I made the other persons head violent, so I tried something else. Tell me what you guys think, thanks! Thought The idea snowballs in my mind, before erupting out of my mouth like a cognitive volcano. As it collides with the air it sends shock-waves, which caress your ear. It travels through the darkness of understanding, building up monumental pressure before exploding into the dynamic metropolis of your skull. Slowly building up mass, a new life rocks gently in the cold damp reaches of your mind. | ||
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
On November 11 2010 12:58 Artemis wrote: I like what you said about it feeling impersonal. I tried switching it up with a me/your. I also didn't like how I made the other persons head violent, so I tried something else. Tell me what you guys think, thanks! I don't like to think of myself as a critic, because I'm not an established Poet or anything, but if I can help, I'll be happy to assist you. The 2nd my is kind of redundant, but reading it aloud the alliteration is interesting. Don't overuse your pronouns. You can also try different orders for your words, specifically "a new life rocks gently" typically you can mix the word order if you're rhyming. The way you have it just sounds strange to me. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but showing and not telling would bring more to your images. Otherwise, keep at it. | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
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Gummy
United States2180 Posts
There shant e'er be a need for fear. | ||
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
On November 17 2010 01:02 Artemis wrote: I got this published in my college's paper! I think im going to try to submit it to some poetry magazines. You guys think it will work? Have you had any experience with Poetry? I don't mean your own. I mean works part of the western canon. I could further explain this, but it would probably end up being a rant. I will spare you that "tedious argument" and simply say this. You aren't a Poet if you have no experience of the Poetry that preceded you. | ||
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Artemis
United States129 Posts
On November 18 2010 04:35 Kamille wrote: Have you had any experience with Poetry? I don't mean your own. I mean works part of the western canon. I could further explain this, but it would probably end up being a rant. I will spare you that "tedious argument" and simply say this. You aren't a Poet if you have no experience of the Poetry that preceded you. Yeah, im pretty familiar with american poetry, Frost, Whitman, Hughes, Crane. In my literature class im taking now, we spent almost half the semester on American Poetry. | ||
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