EPTJust 15 minutes ago I realized I really needed to shit, my day doesn't end for another 4 hours, so I began my quest. I will document it in steps, since I clearly have nothing better to do with my lunch break, and feel like some of you would benefit from a guide on how to successfully shit in public.
Step 1) Locate a toilet which is clean.
Typically I will attempt to find a washroom which is away from busy areas, often on the 2nd or 3rd floor. If at all possible, I aim for the ones near Nursing students/Health sciences (less men using the toilets). This was not possible today since I'm in a different building, so I went to the 3rd floor and found the first toilet which wasn't covered in piss/shit or splashed water, and didn't have dirty toilet paper everywhere.
Step 2) Prepare yourself
Now I say prepare yourself, because I make a conscious habit of doing so before I shit. Things I check for are loose clothing that could fall onto/into the toilet, headphone cables, hang up my jacket, and ensure my cell phone is secure. Losing a phone to the peril of public toilets will ruin your day.
Step 3) Prepare the toilet
Now I'm sure almost all of us have done this at some point, but there are some useful tips and tricks as far as applying toilet paper to the toilet seat. First, I start by putting a single section perpendicular to the gap in the seat at the front. This prevents any accidental penis/porcelain contact. Then I add sheets around the seat, ensuring full coverage and zero porcelain/ass contact. Then... WARNING PRO SHITTING TIP: take extra toilet paper and drop it into the bowl, covering the entire surface of the water with paper. This will prevent any toilet water from splashing your asshole as your defecate
Normally step 3 is quite straightforward... but today, today was different. Today I was met by a vicious adversary...
![[image loading]](http://www.plumbersurplus.com/images/prod/1/41293.jpg)
This is what your worst nightmare looks like in a contemporary stainless steel design
This infernal device is designed to automatically flush the toilet when you get up and leave, saving you the trouble of awkwardly pulling some kind of Bruce Lee move in order to flush the toilet with your foot. The problem is that it has a specific range at which it senses motion. I was attempting to prepare the toilet, and the fucking thing would flush every time I turned to grab more paper. I found myself doing this fucking retarded half-squat 90 degree rotation in order to keep my body close enough to the sensor to prevent it from flushing and splashing water as I was trying to sit down. Finally I manage to sit down on the toilet and begin my shit...
Once I finished releasing my turd... oh wait..
Step 4) Release the kraken / threecoiler / child birth dump / machine gun (or whatever else you wanna call it)
This moment, is when your hard work comes to fruition, relax, and let your body do the rest of the work. Apparently there are many nasty side effects to pushing one out including hernias, damaged blood vessels etc. According to poopreport.com, it can actually kill you.
Pushing too hard causes something called the vagal maneuver to occur. If you take a deep breath and bear down with your diaphragm and abdominal muscles, it causes your heart rate to slow down. If done too hard or for too long you can experience a loss of oxygen to the brain. This is what caused your light-headedness. You could actually die from this if done for a prolonged period of time.
Step 5) Wipe
This part is always fun, trying to gauge how hard you can wipe your ass with the cheap sandpaper they provide in public places before making your ass bleed is truly an art. Typically you want to make folded sheets and use slow gental strokes, otherwise you will end up making your asshole bleed if its a particularly messy shit.
Zurn Aquasense, my nemesis, strikes again! When I go to lean forward and wipe my ass, apparently I'm out of sensor range, and the toilet flushes. Besides having everyone in the washroom (restroom for you Americans) wonder why I have flushed 6 times, water has now been splashed on my ass, and I am forced to lean back while I wipe my ass. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off by this point, hence the blog.
Step 6) WASH YOUR HANDS
If you don't wash your hands, you should be subject to a weekend of food poisoning to learn your lesson imo. THe overwhelming number of times someone gets sick from a restaurant or fast food place is because some dipshit wiped his ass and then didn't wash. Please wash.
Happy shitting TL. Beware of Zurn Aquaflush.
