Rebirth of Ruin

Today I saw my doctor for the last time. As he's moving his practice to north Vancouver, we will no longer meet or consort. Over a year has passed since I concluded I had nothing to lose by risking prescription drugs. A last ditch effort made out of desperation to try to incite some kind of catalyst of change in my spiral downwards to madness eternal. Said time has passed and nothing has changed at all. The drugs have no effect.

A year concludes and throughout this time, in particular the last half-year, I have seen a steady decline in all things. Truly just a climax of the downfall that began in 2006 but no, this year in particular has been horrific. Where I had begun 2010 so strong and pursued my dreams so vividly I now stand at the harbor of yet another burning sea, for all things have fallen to ruin once more and no sanctuary or delusion of such a refuge remains.

Thus we are back at square zero. Not quite square one, for we'd have to have somewhere to start if we were at square one, neh? But perhaps this was for the best. For in desperate times, in troubling times, I tend to make radical and reckless decisions.

I have decided to drop all mod concepts instead of 2042, which remains in a perpetual dormant state. In light of this I have released a few older videos of what I was working on since before sc2's release.

The fact is, is that SC2 has barely progressed past wc3 in so many ways. The editor is a trainwreck of biblical proportions and many aspects of the engine seem trapped in 2001 mindsets. Nothing I would try to do would turn out well in this game, and I found no enjoyment or substance in trying to force such efforts.

Instead I have set myself against a most impossible task, one that far outscales any I have yet to attempt. I have concluded that nothing I try to make can truly live as a mod. Games are too limited, and developers like Blizzard close their ears to my kind wholly and utterly. Thus, I cannot look to this outdated crucible for answers.

I turn to the Unreal 3 UDK, a true to heart game development toolset, and the infinite number of extremely complicated demands it besets upon such a quest. I had always warned young modders who spoke so readily of attempting their own games the fate that awaits those who erronously consider themselves capable of bearing the weight of so great a challenge. Yet here I am, attempting to prepare myself mentally for such a fool's quest.

I challenged myself once against something I believed beyond my abilities. And, for ten years, it was just that. But ultimately I did accomplish the impossible. Dare I bear fangs against a demon as great as this, though?

What I dreamed of inside Starcraft 2 was impossible due to the game's suffocating limitations and outdated performance. If I am to build my dreams then I must build them from the correct foundations to begin with, and not try to twist them into such an abomination that I would find no pride in its creation. Such was the fate of my months-long experiments in sc2.

Nay. The mechanical potential was there. But not the spirit. Not the feeling. There is no heart or soul in this game, not for me. And nothing can become of so hollow and so wasteful an effort.

I will leave 2010 most bitter and sad, for I have failed the blood oath to complete my novel's draft by the year's end. In fact, I have failed so gloriously that I have not made an ounce of progress since the year's dawn. So great was my mental crash that to this day I am paralyzed by its weight.

I have bided my time through arbitrary and mundane tasks. But one can remain idle only for so long before the fire that courses within his veins forces motion from his broken bones. Nay. A year of nothingness. I have had many such years, but they always burn into me until I can stand it no more, and I harbor risk and chance once more. Foolish such a cycle is, yet I have no choice but to stride where the wind takes me, for I am without focus or will of my own.

"Ha!" My subconscious says. "You threw in an l2 model. Good for you. What makes you think you can build worlds where so many a worthy team has falled flat on their face? Such a task is trivial for the average man, yes, but we are fallen. Exhausting are such trivial tasks, much less so ambitious a quest as what you now set before yourself!"

Maybe it's because I do not see myself as human. That I have fallen so far from the modern man's morals and prospects may I entertain so trite a fantasy, for in madness rests the hearth of endless possibilities, and a fool's hope for a greater future.

Maybe, at the day's end, I only set myself up for disappointment once more. But, by October's dawn, I've at long last concluded that I cannot get what I want through modding. Games are moving on from mods and settling into small-scale maps, and are catered to such things. Those desiring large-scale, dramatic projects had best harden themselves for a quest such as what I now rest my eyes upon, for that is all that remains to be done. Yet I am fortunate, for the UDK is made for just such a quest. I have little doubt what I want to do is possible. So the variable of uncertainty vanishes and with it the weight of doubt. All that remains is my own personal strength of character, or rather the lack thereof, and fate's will to bind strong the stability of my physical world.

Yet time is not so kind. With every passing day my health worsens, mentally and physically, and I feel the prison of life binding me to this moment. Perhaps it is merely the insurmountable stress, brought on by paranoia and self-pressure to succeed. Such may cause my heart to flutter wildly, to make me dizzy and incoherent.

Yet all I yearn for is to see my worlds breathe but once. So great a desire is this that I have sacrificed everything to fight for it. Pride, honor, standing. What shreds of sanity that remain now are whipped into motion, geared towards rebuilding the Armageddon Onslaught lore from the ground up to suite my reforged Gameplay Elements Concept that I orchestrate for the UDK project. As always, I will undertake this quest alone, that my inevitable failure not echo so loudly as my previous. That no man may be disappointed but I.

Thus it is not simply a quest to create a simple game or mod. It is a personal quest of the utmost importance to me. I shall consider it carefully, taking one step at a time.

I am afraid, yes. I have always been afraid. But I am only afraid of failure. So great is this fear that it has suffocated my ability to learn. Thus we must first defeat our fears. We must first lose everything to gain something.

/e switched the images to using the TL uploader. Kind of messed up the image order but eh...

Rebirth of Ruin

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