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Just asking if I have improved from my last essay, which was shit. I hope this one isn't the same. I completely changed my opinion, which I do not want to agree with, but have to. I also think my conclusions suck ass so if anyone can help with that that would be great. My teacher said it HAS to be a 5 paragraph essay in this format. [edit : the paragraphs would be indented if it wasn't for shitty copy and paste :S]
Pa 1 : Thesis and hook
Pa 2-4 : body paragraphs
Pa 5 : Conclusion
So just tell me if I have improved and I would like some constructive criticism!
Essay:
A teenager is out at night, walking with his friends, at the age of 14 he is very rebellious, thinking the whole world is against him. A shady man comes up and offers to sell the teenagers drugs, one teenagers decision here may influence their whole group. If their was a curfew law in their city, the teenagers wouldn’t have been put in this situation. Though many people believe that teenagers do not need a curfew, they don’t think about how the law is implemented to protect teenagers against criminals, the discipline that it teaches teenagers later in life, and the fact that some parents aren’t responsible or don’t care about what their child is doing at night.
The world isn’t a great place, and sometimes couples aren’t meant to have children. If they don’t know how to teach the children to respond to certain situations, set standards and morals, then their child will most likely end up the same as them, not thinking about what his or her actions may cause, and generally not abide the law. If some parents teach their teenagers, set standards, but still let them run around without a curfew, they may meet teenagers that don’t abide the law, and that are into crime. At that time teenagers are easily influenced by their peers and even the best of teens may fall to peer pressure.
Curfew is meant to protect teenagers at the time they are most vulnerable, when they are easily influenced by their peers, looking to do anything to make them cool. A teenager gets more opportunities to do illegal activity's at night, and a higher chance of being a victim at night.
According to the NCVS, about two-thirds (63.2 percent) of rapes/sexual assaults occur at night. This statistic shows that nighttime is more dangerous when it comes to rapes and sexual assaults, which would be a real problem for teenagers because they can’t fight against adults.
Teenagers learn discipline and time management through the use of a curfew. They have to learn to be back home and on time, or else they risk the chance of getting arrested if a police officers finds them. This would benefit them later in life because it teaches responsibility, which they will need if they plan on going to college, or working a job making sure not to be late.
A curfew law shows how much protection it can give to teenagers, the statistics for rape and sexual assault at nighttime are staggering, while at the same time a curfew teaches responsibility that can be used later in life, like when you are working a job or in college. Even the most responsible and smartest of teens can fall into peer pressure, they can meet other teenagers who don’t care about the law, who participate in drugs and many other dangerous activities. A curfew is great because it provides protection, responsibility, and a good well-being for many parents.
 
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United States4053 Posts
I suggest you proofread it first. That means reading it aloud, word for word. 
This essay's points are slightly more focused than the previous one's, but the grammar is not as clean.
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I will respond to your question about what I thought of your essay by simply correcting the first paragraph:
A teenager walks with his friends out at night. At the age of fourteen, he is very rebellious; he thinks the whole world is against him. A shady man comes up and offers the teenagers drugs. Here, the decision of one of them may influence the whole group. If there was a curfew law in their city, the teenagers wouldn’t have gotten themselves in this situation to begin with. Though, many people believe that teenagers don't need a curfew. They don’t think about how the law is designed to protect teenagers against criminals, discipline them for the future, and increase social awareness about the fact that some parents aren’t responsible or don’t care about what their children are doing at night.
Good luck!
Edit:
Basically, you need to learn how to separate your sentences with periods, not commas. You also need to keep in mind what you're trying to explain; the last sentence about the parents that I fixed for you was a total mess!
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I'm no english major but I would recommend calming down with the commas. Work on splitting up run ons into separate sentences.
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Seems pretty weak.
What grade are you in?
edit: would definitely agree about the commas. Learn proper usage, and understand that you don't need so many.
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On October 01 2010 11:43 numLoCK wrote:
Seems pretty weak.
What grade are you in?
edit: would definitely agree about the commas. Learn proper usage, and understand that you don't need so many.
9th grade.
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On October 01 2010 11:41 EsX_Raptor wrote:
I will respond to your question about what I thought of your essay by simply correcting the first paragraph:
A teenager walks with his friends out at night. At the age of fourteen, he is very rebellious; he thinks the whole world is against him. A shady man comes up and offers the teenagers drugs. Here, the decision of one of them may influence the whole group. If there was a curfew law in their city, the teenagers wouldn’t have gotten themselves in this situation to begin with. Though, many people believe that teenagers don't need a curfew. They don’t think about how the law is designed to protect teenagers against criminals, discipline them for the future, and increase social awareness about the fact that some parents aren’t responsible or don’t care about what their children are doing at night.
Good luck!
Edit:
Basically, you need to learn how to separate your sentences with periods, not commas. You also need to keep in mind what you're trying to explain; the last sentence about the parents that I fixed for you was a total mess!
Thanks a lot Raptor! You've helped me in both of my blogs so thank you! The way you changed it is 100x better, I'm going to try to use commas less, but I wont put the paragraph you wrote onto my essay, because that's pretty much cheating, but I will keep all this in mind for later!
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Some general tips, from someone who likes to think he's pretty decent at this.
1: Find your voice. This is really critical to being able to consistently write effectively, but it's a bit hard to describe what a "voice" in the context of writing is. Think of it as style broadly conceived, encompassing things like vocabulary, common transitional phrases, and a particular approach to flow. You know you're moving in the right direction when you start to notice stylistic commonalities in your writing, and you like those commonalities.
2: Read what you write. This may seem obvious, but it's critical. Go back over what you've written and read it, attempting to see how it would feel for someone reading it for the first time. For some people, it helps to read it out loud, but with practice you should be able to do this in your head. Pay attention to sentence structure and flow, repeated words, and other missteps that can make your writing sound awkward.
3: Develop a revision style. Some people like to just pound out the whole essay, and then go back and make revisions. Others prefer to write rather slowly, revising each sentence and paragraph as they are finished, and make relatively few revisions to the finished product. Others are in the middle, and will revise as they right when dealing with relatively easy problems, but will put off big ones till after they finish the essay, so they don't get bogged down in them. Consciously experiment with different methods, and figure out what works best for you.
4: The secret to easy conclusions. Conclusions can be a bitch, and while this method doesn't always work, it's a great place to start if you're stuck. Simply put, write your introduction backwards. Go back and look at your introduction, figure out the essential point of each sentence, and re-arrange them backwards for your conclusion. For example, if your intro is structured something like this.
- Statement (poop smells bad, but at least it tends to stay in toilets)
- Observation (lots of other things smell bad as well, many of which are not confined to toilets)
- Extrapolation (smelly things are unpleasing to be around)
- Thesis (therefore, we should ban smelly things)
- Preview (because they suck, fail, and are dumb)
Your conclusion goes
- Preview (smelly things suck, fail, and are dumb)
- Thesis (therefore, they should be banned)
- Extrapolation (smelly things are unpleasing to be around)
- Observation (and there are many of them)
- Statement (but, like with poop, through proper effort we can banish them from plesant society into their proverbial toilets.
For short papers, especially ones built on the 5 paragraph model that tend to have 3-5 sentence introductions, this method is stunningly effective.
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CA10828 Posts
at first i was going to tear this apart but then i read that you're in 9th grade 
just a few things that i noticed:
1) "sometimes couples aren’t meant to have children" that's a very bold (and bad) statement to make lol
2) "staggering" is a bit of a hyperbole for 63.2%
3) you should type out the full name of NCVS
4) your syntax becomes a bit repetitive at times
5) avoid contractions in essays like this
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This time around your essay is a lot better. There are a few spelling and grammar errors that you should correct.
As for your argumentation, it is logical and correct, but you need to make it sound a bit better. For example, the sentence "The world isn’t a great place, and sometimes couples aren’t meant to have children" is a correct argument, but the way it is worded makes it sound like you are stating an opinion. This is because you are making a non-obvious statement without building it up. You want to start off with an obvious statement, leading to something a bit less obvious, and so on. For example, you can change that sentence to something like "A child's development is largely based on the way they were raised by their parents. It is a false assertion to state that every parent will raise their children in a positive manner. In cases where parents inadequately raise their children, it is the role of the state to intervene by setting minimum standards. One such standard is making sure children are within the safety on their home during nighttime." This is just an example, and it won't fit very well in your essay, but it gives the idea of how to structure an argument by building it up from obvious to non-obvious. Make sure for every sentence where you are making some sort of claim, it sounds like a step by step logical argument.
"According to the NCVS, about two-thirds (63.2 percent) of rapes/sexual assaults occur at night"
should be
"63.2% of rape and sexual assault occur at night [NCVS]"
and then you would have NCVS included in your references
So overall, it looks very good, definitely will fetch you a good mark at 9th grade. You already have solid argumentation, just work on how they are presented.
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Not bad for a 9th grader, but try to keep your sentences simple (usually that means losing the commas and splitting one sentence into many sentences) and focused (try to deliver just one point/idea/proof/whatever with each sentence).
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Much better than the last. Just fix your grammar errors and tweak a few things posted above and you should make a pretty good grade.
Also, don't use contractions...that is easily overlooked.
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It's nice to see someone who is trying to improve like you are and accepting criticism positively. Not something you often see in 9th graders.
Hope you continue to improve!
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1) "sometimes couples aren’t meant to have children" that's a very bold (and bad) statement to make lol
His teacher will probably be some woman who miscarried. F.
But for 9th grade I would say that is a very good essay.
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On October 01 2010 11:50 Diuqil wrote:Show nested quote +On October 01 2010 11:43 numLoCK wrote:
Seems pretty weak.
What grade are you in?
edit: would definitely agree about the commas. Learn proper usage, and understand that you don't need so many. 9th grade.
First, its hard to read and second it doesn't flow properly. Try use words like: Such as, Moreover, in addition, On one side, on another side, to help you separate things better. Try not to use that many commas you can divide your ideas into smaller parts by adding fullstops. In addition, your ideas could be said in a much more simpler and easy way by making shorter sentences. Also, you are stating your opinion and you are not giving that much information about what you are talking about and what you want to say its a bit vague a times. Finally, broad generalizations are not good for essays you should back up with arguments and information what you state.
There are plenty of mistakes here so here were my 2 cents...
Sorry guys but for 9th grade this sucks, i went to a school that had English as a second language and if I wrote essays like this i would have flunked for sure.
But if i had to re write the fist paragraph i would write this:
Teenagers late at night are very exposed to dangerous situations. Late at night in any city or town teenagers are exposed to drugs, alcohol, prostitution and crime. Teenage boys and girls tend to be very rebellious and they have a strong hate for rules and laws and they get into trouble with the law. The exposure and experience of drugs, alcohol, prostitution and crime to teenagers is dangerous and it can be life threatening. A way to control this exposure to dangerous situations and substances is to have a curfew law in their cities or towns. Moreover, some people believe that teenagers don't need a curfew and also there are parents who don't know or don't worry about that their child is doing at night. Those people do not realize that with a curefew their adolescent child will be exposed less to these dangers. Also, they will have more discipline in their life which can give them a lesson on control and order, which will be useful for them later in life.
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A teenager is out at night, walking with his friends, at the age of 14 he is very rebellious, thinking the whole world is against him (don't make assumptions about teens without backing up with evidence, idk how proper this essay has to be, plus the sentence has too many ideas in it). A shady man comes up and offers to sell the teenagers drugs, one teenagers (apostrophe) decision here may influence their whole group. If their(improper there) was a curfew law in their city, the teenagers wouldn’t have been put in this situation. Though many people believe that teenagers do not need a curfew, they don’t think (big generalization, consider wording without blaming people or saying what they do without backing it up, use words like one may or find a way not to personalize it) about how the law is implemented to protect teenagers against (from?)criminals, the discipline that it teaches teenagers later in life, (ballers put commas before and, since its not required but also not wrong. oldschool!) and the fact that some parents aren’t responsible or don’t care about what their child is doing at night (need to really relate this to bad parenting, took me a while to figure out, it seems like a weak point to me, but ill keep reading).
The world isn’t a great place, and sometimes couples aren’t meant to have children (LOL, harsh!). If they don’t know how to teach the children to respond to certain situations, (and?) set standards and morals, then their child will most likely end up the same as them, not thinking about what his or her actions may cause, and generally (will) not abide the law. If some parents teach their teenagers, set standards, but still let them run around without a curfew, they may meet teenagers that don’t abide the law, and that (delete that) are into crime. At that time(,) teenagers are easily influenced by their peers(, be consistent!!) and even the best of teens may fall to peer pressure.
Curfew is meant to protect teenagers at the time they are most vulnerable, when they are easily influenced by their peers, looking to do anything to make them(selves look) cool. A teenager gets more opportunities to do illegal activity(' delete)s at night, and (has) a higher chance of being (becoming) a victim at night.
According to the NCVS, about two-thirds (63.2 percent) of rapes/sexual assaults occur at night. This statistic shows that nighttime is more dangerous when it comes to rapes and sexual assaults, which would be a real problem for teenagers because they can’t fight against adults (some teens are jacked!!).
Teenagers learn discipline and time management through the use of a curfew. They have to learn to be back home and on time, or else they risk the chance of getting arrested if a police officers finds them. This would benefit them later in life because it teaches responsibility, which they will need if they plan on going to college, or working a job making sure not to be late (lol, i just imagine police chasing a child into a house with guns, and then comparing that to a guy whos late for work).
A curfew law [shows how much protection it (delete this)]can protect teenagers, the statistics for rape and sexual assault at nighttime are staggering, [while at the same time delete], and a curfew teaches responsibility that can be used later in life, like when you are working a job or in college. Even the most responsible and smartest of teens can fall into peer pressure, [semicolon mufucka!] they can meet other teenagers who don’t care about the law, who participate in drugs and many other dangerous activities. A curfew is great because it provides protection, responsibility, and a good well-being for many parents.
Agree about no contractions.
A teacher of mine said that though should not be used, instead using although
You can use NCVS, but only after writing it in full the first time, followed by the shortform in brackets. eg. New Creamy Violin Store (NCVS)
Try to get some properly referenced stats in there to back up your statements!
This is my fast ass edit, as im supposed to be in bed an hour ago and have reading to do before doing so. i didn't look too hard as you're only in grade 9, and one day will blossom into a great essay writer after having to do a billion of them. good luck, sir, hope this helps!
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Since others have already offered plenty of advice I'll just add one point on this specific variety of essay structure.
Your introduction does not clearly present a thesis.
The thesis is the crux of all discourse in an essay, and is traditionally presented as soon as possible. In mandatory public education, you will be expected to present your thesis in the first paragraph, usually in either the first or last sentence of that paragraph. The sentence should condense the point you're trying to get across in the essay, which appears to be "Curfew laws are great for various reasons concerning teenagers' well-being."
Examine your first paragraph. The first three sentences tell a hypothetical story and offer a related hypothesis. The fourth sentence does in fact assert a point (Many people do not think about X, Y, and Z specific assertions) but is flimsy as a thesis for a couple reasons. Before I go into those I want to compliment you for referencing your later arguments here.
First, the subject "any people" is very vague. Second, the central assertion in this sentence is that people do not think a certain way, which has nothing to do with the arguments you later present. For instance, how does P4's explanation of teenagers learning discipline via curfew justify saying that people think otherwise?
My recommendation would be a complete rewrite of the first paragraph, but I feel that hypothetical accounts like the one you used to open are weak and don't belong in the thesis' paragraph. I would opt for a safe, traditional: S1: Thesis (Curfew laws are/do/cause X), S2: P2, S3: P3, S4: P4. But at the very least, if you want to retain your current form, rework your thesis to be strong, specific, and connected.
Good luck and props for being forthcoming and studious with your writing.
EDIT: I went back and glanced at your previous essay. It begins very clear and strong with an assertion that could be an excellent thesis ("Teenagers should not have a curfew,") but then immediately gets diluted by 3 more assertions ("the city should not" "It should be the choice" "government should focus") and 2 assumptions ("them parenting for the parents" "it is logically the better".) The reader is left wondering, "Which of these 4 points exactly is the point the author is trying to make?" "Why are any of these assertions and assumptions true?"
I reference this to give you an idea of what a strong thesis is and how one can be supported or undermined.
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Much better! I like the intro and the line "some couples just aren't meant to have children" is wonderful in its brutal honesty. There's a bunch of grammatical errors but those have been pointed out already. The one improvement I'd recommend to the content is addressing why the breach of civil liberties that a curfew entails is a necessary evil. Out of curiosity, what caused you to do a 180 on the thesis?
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On October 01 2010 14:26 Kwidowmaker wrote:
Much better! I like the intro and the line "some couples just aren't meant to have children" is wonderful in its brutal honesty. There's a bunch of grammatical errors but those have been pointed out already. The one improvement I'd recommend to the content is addressing why the breach of civil liberties that a curfew entails is a necessary evil. Out of curiosity, what caused you to do a 180 on the thesis?
I would like to say thanks to everyone that helped! I will be using your advice on my next 2 essays which are due next week, so I'll start them when I get home from school! I wont be changing my current essay because that will be cheating, I don't really think its the grade that counts I think what my teacher mainly cares about is progress.
to widowmaker: I changed my thesis because I figured out I was wrong. I would like my city to not have a curfew, but I'm pretty sure that it does need one and the positives out weigh the negatives.
Plus I'm not always going to chose the side I agree with, just the side that is easier to explain.
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