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So, I'm trying to make a pretty epic essay about the current curfew laws. I'm currently in 9th grade and would like it if you guys could help me out a bit(be harsh,please). This is my 5 paragraph persuasive essay:
Teenagers should not have a curfew, and the city should not be able to tell someone when they can and can’t be outside. It should be the choice of the person and their guardian. Instead of them parenting for the parents, the governement should focus on teaching how to properly parent a child. It is logically the better method to teach then to control.
At the ages of thirteen and fourteen people should be considered adults. At that age the person knows right from wrong, and should be able to act mature and should be fully aware of the consiquences of their actions. So, when people who support a curfew law say “kids are more susceptible to bad influences such as drugs,” that is the individual’s choice to use drugs, nobody is forcing them to use the drugs, and at the age of thirteen people already know of the consequences.
Many people think because some kids are out at night, that they are always up to no good. That is a matter of how they view teenagers, and they are probably reflecting on what they did when they were young. Not all teenagers are bad, and just because they think teenagers are going to do bad things doesn’t mean they really are. It is a horrible reason, because its an assumption, not a fact.
The guardian of the child should be the one making the decisions of how long their child can stay out at night. The government needs to teach how to parent properly.Teaching parents how to get into their childs lives and find out what they are doing through communication, not being nosey. This will improve the relationship with the guardian and child, which will in turn make the child take less riskier decisions when alone or with a group of friends.
The person makingb the decisions should be the individual’s guardian, not the government. Many people, view teens of today as how they were years ago, thinking they are trying to get in trouble, which is not true at all.Bad parenting makes bad children, so when you try to blame someone for something they did, you also have to look into how they were raised.
 
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also, anyone else enjoying the olympia??
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United States24779 Posts
Not my specialty, but I want to point out that you have several agreement issues:
'someone when they' someone is singular they is for multiple people
'person and their guardian' person is singular their is for multiple people
etc
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On September 26 2010 12:32 micronesia wrote:
Not my specialty, but I want to point out that you have several agreement issues:
'someone when they' someone is singular they is for multiple people
'person and their guardian' person is singular their is for multiple people
etc
Ohh, thanks for catching that. I can see why I'm wrong for the "person and their" part, but what else am I suppose to say for "someone and they" ??
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United States4053 Posts
On September 26 2010 12:27 Diuqil wrote:
So, I'm trying to make a pretty epic essay about the current curfew laws. I'm currently in 9th grade and would like it if you guys could help me out a bit(be harsh,please). This is my 5 paragraph persuasive essay:
Teenagers should not have a curfew, and the city should not be able to tell someone when they can and can’t be outside. It should be the choice of the person and their guardian. Instead of thethem (unqualified antecedent)parenting for the parents, the governement should focus on teaching how to properly parent a child. It is logically the better method to teach then (wrong word) to control.
At the ages of [bthirteen and fourteen (this is confusing) people should be considered adults. At that age the person knows right from wrong, and should be able to act mature and should be fully aware of the consiquences (at least spell check) of their actions. So, when people who support a curfew law say “kids are more susceptible to bad influences such as drugs,” that is the individual’s choice to use drugs, nobody is forcing them to use the drugs (this is actually not necessarily true), and at the age of thirteen people already know of the consequences.
Many people think because some kids are out at night, that they are always up to no good. That is a matter of how they view teenagers, and they (clarify this antecedent too) are probably reflecting on what they did when they were young. Not all teenagers are bad, and just because they think teenagers are going to do bad things doesn’t mean they really are. It is a horrible reason, (this here is called a comma splice) because its an assumption, not a fact.
The guardian of the child should be the one making the decisions of how long their (this is the wrong pronoun, should be "his or her") child can stay out at night. The government needs to teach how to parent properly.Teaching parents how to get into their childs (wat, should be children's or child's) lives and find out what they are doing through communication, not being nosey (nosy* is how I spell it). This will improve the relationship with the guardian and child, which will in turn make the child take less riskier decisions when alone or with a group of friends.
The person makingb the decisions should be the individual’s guardian, not the government. Many people, view teens of today as how they (antecedent) were years ago, thinking they (antecedent) are trying to get in trouble, which is not true at all.Bad parenting makes bad children, so when you try to blame someone for something they did, you also have to look into how they were raised. just clarify this last paragraph, so many "they"s flying around
[/b]
EDIT: dunno why, but that last /b is not cooperating
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United States24779 Posts
You can't always just insert a pronounce whenever you want or you can run into trouble like that.
"Teenagers should not have a curfew, and the city should not be able to tell someone when they can and can’t be outside."
The only thing that can be inserted into the spot for 'they' without reworking the sentence that I can think of is 'he or she' which stinks. Rework the sentence. Also, don't use "can't" if you can avoid it since it is a contraction (informal).
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United States4053 Posts
Additionally, your introduction should *generally* begin with background info or a reader lure, and then go into a thesis or central argument.
EDIT: your current thesis sentence appears to be "Teenagers should not have a curfew, and the city should not be able to tell someone when they can and can’t be outside," which is the first sentence in the intro.
EDIT 2: v you'd have to change that to "the city should not be allowed to tell anyone when he or she..." or else you've got the same problem
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On September 26 2010 12:35 Diuqil wrote:Show nested quote +On September 26 2010 12:32 micronesia wrote:
Not my specialty, but I want to point out that you have several agreement issues:
'someone when they' someone is singular they is for multiple people
'person and their guardian' person is singular their is for multiple people
etc Ohh, thanks for catching that. I can see why I'm wrong for the "person and their" part, but what else am I suppose to say for "someone and they" ??
Try "anyone"?
"The city should not be allowed to tell anyone when they.."
EDIT: The essay is kind of short and you really just bluntly throw out the first sentence. Make a nicer intro?
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On September 26 2010 12:42 infinitestory wrote:
Additionally, your introduction should *generally* begin with background info or a reader lure, and then go into a thesis or central argument.
EDIT: your current thesis sentence appears to be "Teenagers should not have a curfew, and the city should not be able to tell someone when they can and can’t be outside," which is the first sentence in the intro.
So something along the lines of "Most city's have curfew laws implemented, for many reasons that can be fixed by parents" would that be what you're talking about?
On September 26 2010 12:45 RyuChus wrote:Show nested quote +On September 26 2010 12:35 Diuqil wrote:On September 26 2010 12:32 micronesia wrote:
Not my specialty, but I want to point out that you have several agreement issues:
'someone when they' someone is singular they is for multiple people
'person and their guardian' person is singular their is for multiple people
etc Ohh, thanks for catching that. I can see why I'm wrong for the "person and their" part, but what else am I suppose to say for "someone and they" ?? Try "anyone"? "The city should not be allowed to tell anyone when they.."
Thank you, that looks better.
Also, what would you guys score my writing from 1-10 when being compared to the typical 9th grader?
Cause I passed my accuplacer with 1 extra point so I guess it isn't that bad.
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United States4053 Posts
On September 26 2010 12:46 Diuqil wrote:
Also, what would you guys score my writing from 1-10 when being compared to the typical 9th grader?
Cause I passed my accuplacer with 1 extra point so I guess it isn't that bad.
Assuming the typical 9th grader is a 5, your writing is likely a 7 for good focus and argumentation but occasionally sloppy grammar and mechanics. This essay would probably earn a 92 at my school, but I dunno if that means anything to you.
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also, do my points seem weak? if they do I might write another essay for supporting curfew because it might get me a better grade.
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13 and 14 year olds aren't mature enough for anything. In fact, it's probably the age at which teenagers are most out of control and naive. Around that age most are in school and will do anything that makes them look cool, including the stupid things they wouldn't do if they weren't under group pressure.
Instead it should be: at the ages of 13 and 14 teenagers think they are mature enough to decide what is good for them and what isn't. I agree though that parents should be looked at to maintain the rules, but the fact is that a lot can't or won't and the government has to take responbility for that.
I can't really help you because I just really disagree. Consider it a taste of what can be said to counter your plea. Also run a spelling check, nothing is worse for your credibility than grammatical errors like: "consiqences" 
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First some stylistic comments. Your introduction and conclusion basically sum up each of your 3 "body" paragraphs into a single sentence. This is boring to read, don't do it. I realise this is the form you're taught to do, but it makes for terrible reads. There's also some sentences and phrases that don't flow well and you can find them by reading your essay over a couple times (perhaps a day or two later; it's very easy to miss problems in pieces you've just wrote).
On to the content: You talk about how people make assumptions about teenagers, but you make a bunch of statements without argument, which is just as bad. "... they are probably reflecting on what they did when they were young." The problems with this sentence are two-fold. Firstly you are making an assumption which is almost certainly false as a support for your conclusion, and by doing so you weaken your argument. Secondly, it seems that you don't quite understand the opposing case as you reduced yourself to poor ad hominims.
"The government needs to teach how to parent properly." This sentence contradicts the principle of your thesis. Are you suggesting that the government has not right to interfere with the going ons of teenagers but it's entirely the business of the government as to how these teenagers are raised? What if the teaching of the government included a curfew that you say parents are entitled to impose? "... not being nosey" makes you sound immature, remove it ASAP (believe me, the irony won't be missed).
You need to address the arguments of the other side. Not doing so is a very immature way of writing and makes it easy for your point to be ignored. Imagine a hobo asks you for money. Now imagine the hobo has a gun and demands your money. The former is what you're doing, there's no catch to threaten the opposing point of view. In the latter the gun threatens your point of view (wanting to live) and forces your to accept this hobo's thesis (giving him your money). You need to address the opposing argument and explain why it's wrong.
Overall it's not an epic essay. Focus on making a logical essay first then worry about epicness.
-e- In general it seems you want to say that it's up to the parents and not the government to raise kids. Curfew laws are not in place to raise kids, they're there (supposedly) for the public good. What about shitty parents making fucked up spawn that wrecks shit at night?
-e2- 9th graders are pretty bad writers, don't worry about how your compare to them.
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On September 26 2010 12:27 Diuqil wrote:
So, I'm trying to make a pretty epic essay about the current curfew laws. I'm currently in 9th grade and would like it if you guys could help me out a bit(be harsh,please). This is my 5 paragraph persuasive essay:
Wait, you're on teamliquid, and you take issue at not being able to leave your house during starcraft hours?
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^^widowmaker, thank you, and I'm going to completely rewrite it I guess, you make it seem soooo bad, which is what I like, thank you.
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You could possibly use a thesaurus to use more advanced words, but you should probably wait until your older and have a stronger grasp of basic grammar/basic sentence structure.
http://thesaurus.com/
(Enter in the verbs you use in your essay and you will get additional options of more impressive words)
Also, perhaps you could explain why you believe the government should teach the parents how to parent. Or you could think about taking that part of the sentence (At the end of the first paragraph) out of the essay. It seems irrelevant since your essay focuses more on the parents than the government.
In the second paragraph have you considered that a lot of drugs teenagers use are illegal for everyone regardless of their age? You should consider giving specific drug names. Also, you could take into consideration that there are people of all ages with eating habits and/or drug habits (Even though drug habits seem more relevant to your argument).
In paragraph three you could consider giving some examples of things teenagers do at night that are not causing harm. This would validate your point even further.
Paragraph four also seems to focus away from your essay, which I discussed earlier. The essay seems to be revolved around the parents and the children not the government and the parents.
In the fifth paragraph I would urge you to back up each of those statements with examples and documented facts. Also, do not ever use terms like "all", use terms like "a majority of." I highly doubt every teenager did do something wrong or every teenager will not do something wrong. Also, give reasons why bad parenting might raise bad children (And doesn't this seem like a contradiction to the rest of your essay since you seem to believe teenagers are responsible enough to make there own decisions...but how can that be true if their parents are not)? Also, give reasons why parents might not provide the support to their children that there children need.
And if you have time before the essay is due I would recommend you make your first paragraph like this:
Paragraph 1:
Attention getter, focus sentence, thesis statement, then a forecast for paragraphs 2-4.
Paragraphs 2-4:
General Statement of what the paragraph is about (From forecast), 1 Major 2 Minor, 1 Major 2 Minor, 1 Major 2 Minor each (So 10 sentence paragraphs...with the minors being examples to back up your Major sentences. Major sentences are usually generalizations//opinions)
Paragraph 5:
Restate thesis then make another reference to your attention getter to close out the essay.
Again, this is just how I would advice you to write the essay and you will likely learn this format in the next couple years.
Anyways since you are not at this point yet and your teacher likely isn't looking for this organized of an essay you could use this website for help structuring your essay.
http://www.gc.maricopa.edu/English/essay/
You have some good ideas, you just need to structure it better and clean up your grammar a bit (Which will come through practice and studying).
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United States24779 Posts
On September 26 2010 12:45 RyuChus wrote:Show nested quote +On September 26 2010 12:35 Diuqil wrote:On September 26 2010 12:32 micronesia wrote:
Not my specialty, but I want to point out that you have several agreement issues:
'someone when they' someone is singular they is for multiple people
'person and their guardian' person is singular their is for multiple people
etc Ohh, thanks for catching that. I can see why I'm wrong for the "person and their" part, but what else am I suppose to say for "someone and they" ?? Try "anyone"? "The city should not be allowed to tell anyone when they.." EDIT: The essay is kind of short and you really just bluntly throw out the first sentence. Make a nicer intro?
I think that still has an agreement problem. Anyone is singular but they isn't.
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One more thing, you're trying to have your cake and eat it too when you say that teens are adults and that it's the fault of parents when teens do bad things.
There's a few things you could add instead. For starters there's the problem that a curfew prevents a teenager from working certain hours, and I'm almost certain there's a discrimination law against that somewhere on the books (don't actually go with the discrimination angle unless you're familiar with law). You touch a bit on how it's unfair to the law abiding majority of teenagers, I think this is a good point that should be played up. Also, the point your bring up about how adults perhaps view teens a certain way is a good way to go about defusing the "public interest" part of the opposing argument, but you have to be careful or else you could come off like a whiny teenager. That would be very counter productive, be careful of it.
-e- never use a thesaurus to look up more "impressive" verbs. You run a very high risk of looking like a tool when you use a specialised word in the wrong place. For an example I'm going to be meta and thesaurus up the previous sentence. You run a colossal risk of observing like an apparatus when you use a designated word in the astray place.
Never do this. If your vocabulary sucks don't use a thesaurus because now your vocabulary still sucks and you've misused a bunch of words. Read more instead.
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On September 26 2010 13:20 Kwidowmaker wrote:
One more thing, you're trying to have your cake and eat it too when you say that teens are adults and that it's the fault of parents when teens do bad things.
There's a few things you could add instead. For starters there's the problem that a curfew prevents a teenager from working certain hours, and I'm almost certain there's a discrimination law against that somewhere on the books (don't actually go with the discrimination angle unless you're familiar with law). You touch a bit on how it's unfair to the law abiding majority of teenagers, I think this is a good point that should be played up. Also, the point your bring up about how adults perhaps view teens a certain way is a good way to go about defusing the "public interest" part of the opposing argument, but you have to be careful or else you could come off like a whiny teenager. That would be very counter productive, be careful of it.
Thanks man.
I want to thank everyone in this thread for helping me, when I re-write it(2-3 hours from now) I will look at this thread.
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On September 26 2010 13:02 Kwidowmaker wrote:
First some stylistic comments. Your introduction and conclusion basically sum up each of your 3 "body" paragraphs into a single sentence. This is boring to read, don't do it. I realise this is the form you're taught to do, but it makes for terrible reads.
This is 100% true. If you want to make a truly epic essay, you will need to break from this form of writing.
It seems like you're just trying to be assertive. You should back up your stuff with actual facts to get your point across. If you want to convince someone (teacher?) then using actual facts will help immensely. Otherwise, they will just take the point lightly.
Your 4th paragraph also seems a bit weird. You don't want the government to control curfew, but you want government to teach all parents how to parent properly? Parenting properly is subjective and teaching it to every parent would be difficult to do and unreasonable.
edit: However, I'm sure if you turn in this essay with the grammar errors fixed, I'm sure you could get an A.
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EPT
